Familiarity is No Shield
by arrek125
Summary: A man from our world somehow finds himself in the world of Warhammer 40,000. Unsure of how he got there, he has no time to ponder before he is quickly thrust into the jaws of war.
1. Chapter 1

My eyes flickered weakly. Last night was crazy, or at least what I can remember of it. I recall there was this one blondey that was attractive. I shift my hand towards my pocket for my phone. After all, I might have gotten her number. Unlikely, but hey, can't blame a guy for trying.

Or maybe I fell to sleep in pants without pockets. From what I felt, it seemed that was the case. That raised the question of where my phone was. Did somebody take it?

"Where is it?" I mumbled aloud.

I waved my hand out of my bed, but find there's a wall. I look at it, and see it's made of some sort of concrete. "Where am I?" I ask, a little louder than before. I looked around in my drowsy haze. I saw several guys working out. Some were doing push-ups, sit-ups, or sitting off to the side, relaxing. I do not remember going to a gym.

Then again, why are there beds in a gym? I examine my surroundings further. I saw several more beds, forming bunks. "Heh. Guess that's debunked," I mused to no one in particular.  
Suddenly, a hand grabbed me and pulled me down. Before I knew it, I crashed onto the ground, which was also made of concrete. Very unimaginative of the builders. I looked up in my daze to see a far stronger looking fellow than I. In fact, his muscles were readily apparent, while mine were, admittedly, just flesh and bone.

"Rise and shine, skeleton," he said, his voice strong and commanding, "You aren't setting the greatest example for an imperial guardsman."

"A what?" I blurted out instinctively.

"What, were you born yesterday, kid?" I opened my mouth to respond, but he spoke out again, "Don't answer that. You're lucky I found you before the Commissar. Now come on."

He started dragging me across the floor with ease. "Where are we going? Who are you? What is this?" I questioned, yet he did not respond after that point. I could swear a few of the guys in the room stopped, stared, and laughed at me. I do not like where this is going, and quite frankly, I'm scared.

He stops dragging me and lets go of my shirt, causing me to hit my head with a thud. "Now, you do your thing. I ain't gonna babysit you, little man," the muscular dude said. I think I was still in shock, so I chose not to respond. I instead laid there, trying to figure out just what the hell I drank last night to get me into this.

I saw some weird eagle thing painted onto the concrete ceiling. Yet again, a wonderful choice of material by the builders. Honestly, I don't know what I got myself into. Perhaps it was bacardi? Did somebody mix the molly with the liquor?

Suddenly, a guy is looking over me. He's got an eyebrow raised, and he's not quite as muscular as the other guy. Come to think of it, all those guys were muscular. "Did I sign onto some really intense exercise program or something?"

The guy above me smiled for a brief moment then stopped. He bent down and said, "You're funny."

"I'm also on the ground," he smiled after that, and tried to smooth his face, "And I'm really confused."

"Why is that?"

"I'm glad you ask," I said as I raised my upper body with my arms, "Because, you see, I don't remember anything about any of this." I motioned my hand all around. He actually looked around.

"I don't see what's so confusing. You signed up, right?"

If I haven't conveyed it yet, I most certainly am showing my confusion now. "Signed up for what?"

"The guard." That answered all of my questions. I am infinitely more wise, now.

"No, seriously, what did I sign up for?"

"The guard? I don't know what you are expecting me to say," he shrugged.

"Right, the guard. Is that like, military or something? Is it a tournament at like… I dunno, Games Workshop? A tourney called 'the guard' isn't too off from what I know of my players." Okay, maybe I'm a nerd, but I know how to have fun, okay? But this was the antithesis of fun, and the epitome of confusion. I can tell I confused this dude, too.

"It's… Uh… Military? What's that about a game workshop?" Please. This is not what I wanted to spend my day doing. I don't need to explain nerd stuff to this guy who's IN THE MILITARY WHAT.

"I'll tell you later. So what you're telling me is that I joined," I grabbed him with both my hands, pulling him closer to me, "the military?!"

It was clear he was uncomfortable, so I let go. It's not every day you get drunk and join the military, so I believe my shock to be appropriate.

"That's precisely what I said. Welcome to the guard?" He was making a good attempt at being confused, but I don't think he can outmatch me.

I fell back down to the ground, this time having more clear thoughts rushing through my head. So I had a party, lost my phone, joined the national guard, and I don't think I got that blonde's number. Christ, today is great, isn't it?

I refused to exercise despite my new pal's constant pestering to do so. It's not like I'm actually joining the guard right now. I got a life to live, and while the benefits are pretty cool, they aren't worth my life.

Speaking of benefits, apparently the sergeant was coming by or whatever the important person was called. I just needed to talk to him and get this settled.

When he came by, he really came in. His uniform had several gold decorations, and many medals. I looked up to his face and saw the biggest hat I think I'll ever see in my life, and he had a massive scar across his lip. It was quite-

Why didn't I realize this before? I asked myself that as I froze in disbelief. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," I whispered. I don't think I'll ever get my phone back. Or my family. Or my friends. Or that blonde's number.

Suffice to say, I think my world was caving in on itself. I looked to the ceiling and recognized the Imperial Aquila. I looked back at the man in charge. It was clear he was a commissar. He was also standing right before me, looking directly at me.

"Is there any reason you are not in line?"

I regret everything I've ever done. This is either a really elaborate prank or the 40k universe. I quickly considered my options. I wisely chose not to say I didn't want to be in the guard.

"I'm new here."

"And that suddenly excludes you from forming up?" His face was uncomfortably close to mine.

"I was…" Scared. "Admiring your stature, sir!" I gave my best salute.

He leaned back. I thought I said the best thing. His hand went to his head, where he began massaging his temple. Groaning, he pointed at the line.

I got up and instinctively filled in a missing space. The commissar came before the men, and raised his fist. "I see our new batch arrived today. I'm surprised that they can't even salute properly, but you can't win them all." He paused for a moment. Was he thinking? "Nothing. It also surprises me you all did not react to what I said."

"Were we supposed to, sir?" I heard somebody in front of me say.

The commissar immediately started walking down the aisles of men. The guy in front of me pointed his thumb back at me.

"Hey, screw you, dude," I said. The commissar was suddenly in front of me. It comes now to my attention how short this guy is. With his hat on, he's hardly 2 inches taller than me.

"Do you fancy yourself a joker, maggot?"

"On occasion," I said without thinking.

"Tell me a joke, then."

Jokes on you, I'm the greatest at jokes under pressure! "What do you call an arrogant twig?"

He squinted at me. "I don't know."

"An eldar." It comes to my attention this is real. I could die right now. Why do I persist?

My question answers itself as the commissar slowly slips a smile. "I don't know how you know what that is, but I don't care. As you were." He turns and headed back to the front of the crowd. I looked around and saw everyone in the vicinity staring at me. Gawking, might I add.

I just stood up a commissar. I'm extremely lucky I'm still in one piece. Also, I just used my knowledge on that guy. I have knowledge of everything here! Admittedly, I played Chaos Space Marines, but I know enough about the Imperium.

The commissar shouted out, "Present primers!" Present what?

Everyone pulled out this little book from a pouch on their belts. I looked at my pants, and indeed found a belt. I looked at my back and saw that a little pouch.

Curious, I opened it and found a book. It said 'The Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer'. I don't know how I missed this. I opened it up to a random page, and saw a tiny ork being stabbed by an imperial guard.

Oh my lord, this is comedy gold. I start flipping through the pages, giggling up a storm. Do these guys actually believe ork groups can be annihilated by a single las shot?

"Hey, funny man. Don't believe anything about the orks in- are you laughing?" Some guy whispered to me.

"Dude, this is some quality stuff. Who actually believes this?"

"You are disrespecting the primer," he flatly commented.

"And?" He smiled at that.

"You'll fit in just fine, joker." My attention returned to the commissar.

"Guardsmen, you will be doing one of three things today. Drills, for those of you who are 10 days or younger here, crushing the enemy, or, in a very rare case, holding the line."

Are you kidding me? I barked a laugh, and the entire room stared at me. I knew I had to shut up, but peer pressure is a crazy drug. "Dude, you joking? Holding the line is what do best!" I then thought for a second. I couldn't stop myself. I gathered as much grit as I could and began. "To each of us falls a task, and all the Emperor requires of us guardsmen is that we stand the line and die fighting."

I could feel the whole of the room in awe of me. I delivered this final bit with particular vindication. "It's what we do best: we die standing." Take that, commissar. The men around me looked inspired.

A single clap rung out, then another. The room flooded with clapping and cheering, as if I were a great hero. The sound cut out as the commissar started marching over to me.

"So not only are you a jokester, you think yourself an inspiration. You think yourself some sort of commander." He was now back in front of me.

"The Emperor wills it, so that's how it is, bro." I think he gave me a good stare for a solid minute.

"Are you a feral worlder?" What did that mean? If it excuses my knowledge and outbursts, it can't be too bad.

"Bruh, how'd you know?"

"Just a guess. Tell me, is it true you ferals are closer to the orks than you are Imperials?" That's a stupid question. Better humor him.

"Wot? Us feral boyz are all for da big boss Emprah!" I got a small hint of a smile out of him, and a few laughs from the guardsmen around.

"What was your name, again?" I was fairly certain I was still off my adrenaline high from discovering everything I've ever loved, liked, or cherished has been ripped from me and I'll never be able to get it back again. At least, as far as I'm aware. Maybe the chaos gods will be generous.

"Jo-kah, sir! Reporting for duty," I said, giving a salute.

"Either a fitting name or another jest. Whatever is was, that'll be what you'll be addressed as," he stated, turning slightly. He stopped. "You're crying," he remarked.

"Adrenaline, sir. Adrenaline." I don't think I could ever say 'I'm from another universe' without his bolt pistol facing my head, calling me insane. That said, it wasn't wrong.

He resumed his spiel in front of the troops. I wasn't much interested in that, even though I should have. So from what I know about Cadia, which I'm just assuming I'm on, the forces of chaos are everywhere, and I have a pretty good chance of dying. So not only is my previous life taken away from me, my actual life might be taken from me as well.

However, I know things. I could very well fool the renegades. I'm decently sure I could actually talk a chaos space marine down, assuming he isn't a Khornate marine. Hell, I think I could work my way to Abaddon's side. Think about it: Personal advisor of the Warmaster. Dude, I would screw the lore harder than Ward.

All in all, I think Jo-kah here is gonna be having an okay time with chaos. I know the risks and the history and stuff, so I'm pretty sure I'll be able to avoid the super hardcore stuff and live a relatively normal life. What if I could get a Daemon babe's number? That'd be so much sweeter than a blonde's!


	2. Chapter 2

I hate the Imperial Guard. There's this sergeant that keeps wanting me to exercise. I don't mean hitting the gym or anything mundane like that. I mean fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups, fifty everything at one hundred percent. As much as I love being sorta in shape, this isn't what I anticipated.

"You call that a push-up, Joker?" he shouted right in my ear.

"Honestly, dude, I can't-"

"Yes, you can! And you will! Do you want to die?"

"It's not on my to-do list," I strained.

"Well you will if you don't obey my every command. Seventy more, and I'll say that's good."

So that isn't realistic for a human to do. I've already done… What, like, fourty? That was bad enough. Who can do a hundred push-ups? I ain't a space marine, I'm a person. I collapsed onto the floor.

"So now you're giving up. Maybe I should give up on you."

"Good idea, man," I said through my exhaustion. He straight up grabbed me and pulled me right up to him.

"I'm not going to give up on you, soldier. I'll never give up on anyone."

"PTSD much?" Okay, I'll admit, I deserved that punch. That said, I don't think the Imperium actually knows what PTSD is. He gave me a confused look before decking me right in the face, which hurt not just my perfect face, but my flawless ego as well.

I'll spare you from the terrible process of exercise and punishment for poking fun at anything. I learned something interesting. I'm apparently really chill with the veterans, and the new guys revere me as some sort of saint. The only people that don't like me are the people in charge. I'm quite surprised I'm not dead. Not like I have too much to live for, anyways. I lost my family, my belongings, and my freedom. The best I can do is treat everything like a joke.

I think back on Earth, or should I say Terra, I believed being in the 40k universe would be awesome. I regret everything about the statement and wish to take it back. Too bad I can't go back. I'm pretty sure I'm still in shock, but that's not an issue. Apparently Cadians train for a year from what I know, so I've got a lot of time to get over my entire family and all my friends being gone.

Do they notice I'm gone? Are they living in their own universe without me? I felt a single tear fall down my cheek as I thought about this. This sucks. Why do I have to be here? What did I do? All I did was get drunk, hope to god I got some babe's number, and fell asleep! I mean, I've made my share of sarcastic remarks and really mean comments, but besides that, I'm perfectly innocent! Why, universe, why?

Of course, my questioning had to be cut short by the sergeant wandering into the room. Yeah, that douche. "Target practice time, men. Get your armor, coats, and weapons." Sure thing, bud. I know where those are.

The veterans blazed the trail for all us newbies to follow. They went outside the room, something I hadn't done at all, and turned the corner. I followed, and I got my first glimpse of the beautiful outside world! Oh, there were trees of green, red roses, too! I see them-

No. It was a metallic corridor, lit dimly by red lights. A few crates with the aquila were here and there. It was honestly not noteworthy. This environment continued for several more minutes, were I navigated the tunnels. Finally, the veterans arrived at an opening that had visible lasguns.

They were weird. They didn't have the stocks or bayonets of the lasguns you always see. As I went in, I saw the flak vests and helmets were clearly not Cadian. They were WWI-esque helmets with gas masks and goggles.

The first thought that crossed my mind was that I was clearly not in Cadia anymore. The second thought was something along the lines of 'OH NO NO NO NO' and so on. I don't have much of an idea where I am, and I couldn't just join chaos by walking outside. The veterans began suiting up, and I followed suit. See what I did there? Okay, I'll stop.

"All this to hit some targets, huh?" I idly commented.

"Targets? From where you come from, they call them orks," one of the veterans said.

"What?" I sharply said. Due note I was already kinda internally screaming, but now it's even worse.

"Orks. We're going out to shoot them."

"Oh. Nice." Please no is what I wanted to say. I'm sure this breaks all the fluff I've ever known. First day guardsmen don't shoot at live enemies unless they have white stripes on their helmet, right? "Can you tell me where what this planet is, again?"

"Armaggeddon," he said before chuckling. "Did you forget where you were?"

Oh. I've heard of this planet. You know, the one that's getting destroyed by Ghazgkhull, or whoever that really big war boss was. Good to know I have a significantly lowered life expectancy.

"No, I just needed to remind myself. Hey, do you guys know about Commissar Yarrick?" Time to test if I'm seriously here. This could just be some out lying world that has a few orks and is breaking protocol out of desperation or-

"Of course! He is our planet's greatest Commissar." Damn it.

"Is that so?" I said with a high pitched voice. I tend to do that when I'm regretting life decisions.

"They say he is using the ork's weapons against them." Yep, that's him, alright.

"I hate life," I casually say. They all seemed to agree.

* * *

The sergeant stood before us in the dusty surroundings. He had his own equipment on. This guy had a power sword, and it was SO. COOL. It crackled with energy, and I could see little bits of lightning jumping off of it. I could not stop staring at it. 10 points of complete MEQ destruction, there.

"Alright, men. We will be engaging orks in just a few moments. I expect you to obey me."

I honestly couldn't care for what he said. I took my knife, which was huge, and shoved that thing right onto my lasgun. It had a little place I could put on bayonet on. It clicked together satisfyingly.

"Joker! Did I tell you to equip bayonets?"

"Dude, we're fighting orks. Bayonets should be mandatory at all times." After I said that, a few of the new guys nodded, started verbally agreeing, and starting putting on bayonets. The veterans shrugged and decided to put them on as well. Not even here five hours, and setting trends.

"Fine! Whatever. Equip bayonets. I guess we'll just be bayonet squad." Wait a minute. I had a ridiculously good idea.

"Sergeant, what if we name our squad, 'the stabbing giants'? Cause we'll be stabbing giants!"

"That is a ridiculously stupid idea." Scathing.

Suddenly, I heard a roar of, and I quote, 'WAAAGH!'. I knew what that meant, and I bolted straight past the sergeant.

"Hey! We need to maintain squad cohesion!"

"We're still in two inches!" I yell. I am a nerd, okay?

"What?!" he yelled. Several men started following me. I stumbled into a trench, and I pointed my gun right down the street. Nothing. Man, I ran all that way for nothing. What if they were behind us? I thought they had stealth units.

An ork jumped out of somewhere down the road, probably another trench, and there was suddenly at least twenty more. Now, I'm not going to say I was scared. I will say I was terrified out of my mind.

I let loose as soon as I saw them, pulling the trigger multiple times, crazy amounts of red beams shooting out of my gun. The rest of the men looked at me like I was insane, shooting at this distance. They looked back. I think I got an ork or two at this range. No recoil really helps my accuracy, which is on point, I'd say. I've never really fired a gun, but how hard is aiming a rectangle?

"Come on you flashlight, fire faster!" I shouted. I wanted all those orks dead before they could even get anywhere near me. I know one of their weapons could easily wreck any of the guardsmen, me included. Just as I yelled that at my weapon, it stopped. I would like to say it jammed, but I don't think that was the case.

"Wow, your gun jammed, rookie. That never happens during drills like this," one guy commented.

"Glad I'm special!" I roared, looking at him with a crazed look. The gun didn't jam, I know it. "Do you wanna FIGHT, MACHINE SPIRIT?" The gun felt like it was getting heavier and heavier. "DO YOU WANNA FIGHT?! I'LL MESS YOU UP!"

Adrenaline is a hell of a drug. I was arguing with a gun. I knew I was in the right, but it seemed absurd after the fact. I slammed my gun right on the trench wall, and then pointed it back at the orks. "FIRE!"

I didn't even pull the trigger. The gun fired by itself. I think I made it mad, what with its rate of fire. Abusing the machine spirit, while dangerous, is fun and efficient. This is while I'd never be a Warpsmith.

I think it got at least four more orks at an insane range by my peers' judgements. Truth be told, I think I could take them. I didn't want to, but I totally could. In fact, I'd prefer them to stay right where they are or, even better, on the ground.

I looked back at my guard buddies and said "Hey guys, I think I got one!" One guy pulled out a pair of binoculars and looked down the road.

His mouth dropped like a rock. "You got seven."

I should note my gun was still firing. I guess the machine spirit is easily agitated. "Wait, really? I am the most useful guardsman ever!" Useful and guardsman should not be in the same sentence, unless distraction is in it.

"Joker, cease fire!" yelled the sergeant.

"Why?!"

"The rest of us need something to shoot at!"

"There are large green spots on the floor!" I don't know why I'm still alive. I really don't. He has every right to kill me for insubordination. Oh, I should tell him I'm not even pulling the trigger.

I look to the road again and saw the orks rapidly approaching. Remember when I said there were, like, twenty of them? That was a funny joke. There's at least twice as many now. They are way closer than last time. I looked to the guy with the binoculars.

"What's my K/D?" He tore his face from the binoculars, still in disbelief.

"What?"

"How many have I killed?" I really shouldn't credit myself with killing these guys. I mean, it's mostly the lasgun which has done the work. I should give it a name some time. I'm thinking about straight up calling it Kharn.

He peered into the binoculars again. "Around ten, now."

I beamed a smile behind the gas mask. By the way, have you ever worn one? It's really uncomfortable. I mean, it's better than the air around here, which looks like it consists more of dust than oxygen, but can't they line the inside with some soft fabric or something? I guess in the grim darkness of the 41st millennium, there is only uncomfortable armor.

Kharn suddenly stopped shooting. Oh yeah, that's his name now. It's canon. I looked at him for a moment. By the way, he's a he. I, for one, couldn't be down with a female weapon. You just can't handle a girl like you handle a weapon, you know? Plus, it'd just feel wrong.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Kharn stopped. I looked at him real quick. "What's wrong with him?" I asked aloud.

"With who?"

"My lasgun," I answer.

"It's out of ammo," a guy said. Huh. Lasguns need that? I thought they were solar powered or something along those lines. Guess that would be impractical for night time combat.

I guess that's why I grabbed those rectangular things back at the armory. I originally thought they were rations or maybe weird grenades since we're not on Cadia and anything could happen, but ammo never crossed my mind.

I grabbed a cartridge out of a little pouch on my belt. I then stared at Kharn, who was already loaded. I stared at it. One guy witnessed this and asked, "What are you doing? The orks are almost in range!"

"I've uh… I've never handled a gun before." Don't laugh, okay?

"You could have fooled me," he said, then faced away, aiming at the approaching swarm. Oh right, the orks. This added stress to my situation. If I couldn't figure out how to reload Kharn, I could very well die.

Wait, that dick didn't even try to help me! I could die! You know what? Revenge could wait. I fumbled around Kharn, trying to find some sort of thing I pull or push or whatever you do to reload a gun, but there was nothing like that.

I looked up, and I heard several crackles from the lasguns around me. The orks were now within twenty four inches. Oh fuck. That's half of charge distance. And if I remember correctly, couldn't they run and charge in the same turn?

What does tabletop have to do with REAL LIFE at this point? They were like… I dunno, a hundred feet away? Dude, I don't know! I was frantically searching how to reload Kharn. I looked up, seeing the orks were now firing, their guns making very satisfying, if loud, pops.

Remember the guy with the binoculars? Yeah, he fell down. It was more like he was knocked over, really. Point is, he was on the ground, and the orks were firing. I think I might be in trouble here. I ducked down into the trench.

I started hyperventilating. Do you know how big orks are? Imagine Shaquil O'Neal if he had oversized muscles, stubby legs, and was green. To a pretty normal sized guy, that's kinda terrifying. There were forty of the bastards out there, and that's just a guess.

Then the sergeant said, "Get ready to charge!" Please no. "On my command!" Let's not.

I heard the boots of the orks pounding now. They were alarmingly close, as if they weren't alarming before. I dropped the cartridge, grew a pair, and stood up with Kharn pointed at the orks. I was still hyperventilating.

"Charge!"

I swear my pants weren't soiled before he said that.


	3. Chapter 3

I really don't know why I'm doing this. I kept thinking that while I place my hand on the top of the trench. I seriously don't want to do this. I kept thinking that while I lifted myself up. Is it too late to run away and became a renegade? I kept thinking that while I got to my feet.

The orks were louder than anything I'd heard before. Up close, they were booming and I'm not sure I'll retain usage of my ears after the coming moments. Oh well, those aren't useful or anything. While I had functional ears, I heard you didn't need them to get along in life.

Speaking of hearing things, I heard my internal screaming vividly as I bolted forward, bayonet in front of me. There were several guys running past me. I'm guessing it was because I'm either out of shape or they're just so much more athletic than me. Regardless, it made me feel kinda bad and inadequate.

I think I started shouting back at the orks halfway into the charge. I know I was getting closer to the orks. I also know I let go of everything I was thinking about. It was kinda… Serene. It was calming, not to have so much on my mind. Just shouting, running, and getting ready to stab. That was all there was to think about.

This is not the time where I thought I'd be calm. To be honest, I thought it'd be when I laid my head down, really gave things a good going over. I thought I'd be freaking out and running in the opposite direction. I thought I'd live to tell another joke. Thing is, I have none for this situation. I am about to stab an ork. Oh, right, there's an ork in front of me that isn't engaging anyone.

The ork looked like he was anticipating my advance. That stopped me right in my tracks. Then he said "Aww! Humiez is no fun."

"Do ya wanna fight me, ya lousy runt?!" I shouted at him. I'm going to die, might as well entertain someone.

"Oi! Whaddid ya call me?!"

"You 'eard me! If ya wanna 'ave a go, I'll krump ya good!" I think this ork was genuinely surprised, and also genuinely entertained. Actually, when isn't an ork genuine? You'd never have to worry about an ork faking his feelings toward anything.

"Yer on, humie!" He bellowed a roar at me, charging. This was not the smartest decision of my life. In fact, ever since I got here, I've never really made any smart decisions. I've treated this not as my life, but instead as some sort of… I dunno, joy ride? I think it's because I'm hoping that, when I die, I'll get back to my own place. The one where I belong.

No time to think, however. The ork was right in my face, raising his axe high over his head. I raised Kharn up to block it, not sure if that was enough. The axe came rushing down an instant later, colliding with Kharn. The ork's arm flung back as sparks flew.

I dropped Kharn back down and jolted forward. I rammed the bayonet into this dude's abdomen, not exactly sure what I was doing. I think it did something because the ork howled in pain. "You'z got fight in ya, humie! I like dat!"

I pulled back on Kharn, hoping to every god that was willing to listen that I could dislodge him. It was to no avail. I swore under my breath and kept trying. Once, twice, three times. The ork tried to help.

This help involved smacking me straight up with his fist. Kharn flew away with me, and I collapsed onto the floor. The air was out of me, but the adrenaline was helping to remedy that. "Time ta die!" I heard while trying to scramble myself back up.

I stopped my scramble. I looked at Kharn deeply. "Hey buddy, I know you got something left in you. Please, Kharn, let's win this together, okay?" I pointed Kharn directly at the approaching ork.

A single line of red light flew out of the barrel of Kharn. The ork came tumbling to the ground. I was amazed. I held Kharn tightly, and brought him close to my chest. "Yes! Thank you, Kharn! You are the best lasgun I've ever seen!"

The battle was not over yet. It appeared as though us mere guardsmen were holding them off, even winning. I think there were only twenty of us, but there were far less orks than I previously saw. We must be kicking their asses.

Huh, that's weird. I seriously swore guardsmen were incapable of beating any opponent, especially orks in melee. I guess if you can outnumber the orks, you're doing great already. Wait, have we lost any men? I don't think so. The binoculars dude didn't look particularly dead last I saw him. I'm gonna need to get his name.

Guardsman competency aside, I'm thoroughly convinced Kharn is alive. He isn't just any lasgun, he is an awakened lasgun. If I convert to chaos, I wonder if he'll get warp beams or something. That'd be cool. Though, would he be down with chaos? I think he would be, what with his name, but… I could very well be mistaken. Wait, would I have to get a Dark Mechanicum forged weapon if I was to join them? I kinda liked Kharn.

I thought more into that while my companions were dispatching of the orks. I was laying there on the ground, cradling Kharn. He really was my only friend at this point. I wouldn't rather have anyone at my side. Well, besides that hot blonde that I'll never see again. Or that hot daemon chick I think I have a chance with.

Several minutes passed, and the sergeant yells at me. "Joker, get up!" Fun's over, I suppose.

I lifted myself up, still holding the gun. The sergeant ordered us into a line, which was fine. I really didn't think today was gonna be that crazy. It's only been like two hours since I got here.

"Today was the closest the orks have ever gotten to us, and it was also the only time we had a flawless victory."

"I bet it was the bayonets," I commented. A few guys were agreeing before the sergeant shushed us.

"The only injury we sustained was minor," he said. I raised my hand. He sorta just looked at me. I started pointing at me excessively. "Yes, Joker?"

"Who was the guy that sustained his injury?"

He looked at me like I was stupid. "What does it matter? We're the Imperial Guard. We don't think about the injured, we think about the heroes and the Imperium."

I really have to remember 40k is grimdark. The sergeant started describing all the things that went on, and how we'll be affected or something. He scolded me several times for firing with orders, but dude, I can't control Kharn. He does what he wants.

The trek back home was fun. Actually, it was depressing and boring as hell, but several of the guys were admiring me for me for being bold and foolish.

* * *

I went through the day, exercising and conversing with guys, and lunch time came along. That was cool because I was starved for a good portion of the day. I made my way to the cafeteria by following the veterans, who I learned weren't actually veterans. They were here for one hundred days, at most. Still older than me, but the point stands.

Now, I usually have never had a problem with free food. It's always good. Except here. In the grim darkness of the 41st millennium, there is only poor cafeterias. Let's start with the food. This was a pile of paste with a few things on the side. I kid you not: I swear this is nutrient paste, but this doesn't look nutritious at all. The things on the side were hardly what I classify as food, but they were better than the abomination that was before my eyes. Hey, I won't say no to it, but I have some standards, damn it!

Next, the tables. Oh god, the tables. It was like I was in high school all over again! They were small, and several groups congregated to one spot. I noticed some guys from my… Squad? Is that what it'd be called? I thought guardsmen squads had ten guys, but here on Armageddon, anything is possible. Anyways, some of my guys were chilling in one place, then the newbies were struggling to find a place to sit. There were hundreds of guys I didn't recognize scattered all about the place. This was supposedly a small cafeteria, so I was surprised to see this many men.

Finally, the conversation in here. It was so diverse and loud! I passed by this one table where the guys were talking about the lost, and it was morose. I pass by the one right next to it, and I gather there was this one sentinel driver named Borian who'd play "La Cucaracha" everywhere he went in that damn thing, even into battle. First of all, how did he have that music? I looked all around, and I found some guy sitting by himself. I went closer to it.

It was binoculars dude! Was he unpopular? Time to remedy that. I walked up to the table like a pimp, knowing I was the coolest kid around. That got his attention. He stared at the guy rapidly approaching. This guy was yours truly.

I sat down across from his, placing my tray on the table. "Hey, bud. How's it hanging?"

"Joker, right?"

"Yes, indeedy."

"It's been… Hanging well?" he said with uncertainty.

"Good, good. What's your name?" That one took him by surprise. He looked around.

"Look, you don't need to stay around here if you don't want to. I understand you're just here to pity me, or, or… Or just-" I put my hand up to stop him.

"Nah, dude. I'm here to learn about you. You seem cool enough."

"Cool enough?"

"It's a phrase from the feral world. It means you are good."

"Oh. Well, if you really want to know, my name is Dekaff." I could go for some coffee right now, but instead I have this paste. Speaking of which, I haven't touched it up to this point. Ain't no time like the present to regret decisions.

I lifted the spoon full of paste into my mouth. I closed my eyes, trying to digest the taste. It was… Bland. I opened my eyes. It was like Ramen noodles. Overall, not bad. I dug straight into it.

I remembered there was somebody across from me for a moment. "Oh. That's a cool name, dude. I'm Joker, in case you haven't gathered that bit of knowledge."

"I'm well aware."

"Oh nice! So, how was the ork slug?" Okay, maybe not the best thing to ask.

"It was less painful than you think and more forceful than you know. The flak I was wearing was dented, but it really turned that bullet into something of a shove."

"Flak armor works!?" I bursted out. Almost every weapon in the game has AP5 or less. Understand my confusion here.

He seemed rather taken aback. "Yeah?"

"That's so… Weird." I said.

Our conversation proceeded until we were done eating. It went into how flak armor really works, and about how we are both clueless about it, and how our sergeant is a douche. It was good. Once we were both done, we headed back to our room. Barracks? Room? I don't care, it was there and we were in it. It's the place where I started.

And we came into the sight of a commissar. The same one from a few hours ago. "Ah, good. You two will do."

"What?" I said.

"Follow me, you two." Okay? I did just that. I followed him through the winding corridors.

Just to find another barracks. Oh great. "Any reason for this, sir?"

"You are being reassigned to another squad. The sergeant recently lost all their troops in an engagement."

"Oh nice." The commissar turned his head and saw me.

"Oh. Joker. I remember you."

"It was not even one day ago, sir. I'm flattered." His head turned back to where he was going.

"I'm so happy you get this sergeant. The squad is five men large, and focuses on being distractions."

"Woah. I appreciate your honesty right now, but this isn't really what-"

He interrupted me. "You are the perfect distraction. Loud, obnoxious, and entertaining. Take that how you will, but you are transferring whether you want to or not. If not, I can simply take your resignation here." Really? Wait a minute…

"Does the resignation come with a bolter shell?"

"What do you think?" Oh. "I'm surprised you would guess that. You are quite intelligent for a guardsman."

"I pride myself on my knowledge, sir. Wouldn't you know, our world was destroyed by the eldar. They're a bunch of angry children, I tell you." The commissar chuckled at what I said.

"Indeed they are." He stopped, and I bumped into him. He turned around and pointed at a closed door. "Here we are," he stated as the door opened.

I walked in and saw a single person at a desk. The dude had half his head shaved, and what hair he had drooped to the side. It was kinda weird, but whatever floated his boat would float me, too. I walked up and put my best trait, charisma, to use.

"Hey there, sir, can I call you sir? Sir, it is an honor to serve with you."


	4. Chapter 4

The guy in the chair looked up at me. He looked surprisingly good for an imperial guardsman. Nearly every one I've seen has some sort of scar or something gritty, but this guy seems well on his way to being decent looking. I could respect a man like that, and not out of the fear that he could kick my ass in seventy different ways.

"You can call me sergeant. My name is-"

"Wow, you are flat." I commented. This was a woman! The first one I see is flat and about a six. Come on, man.

"Clarissa, excuse me, what?"

"Oh, nothing. Great to meet you, sergeant," I said quickly and with a high pitched voice.

"No, no, go back a few words. What did you say?"

"Wow?"

"After that."

"Nothing?"

"In the middle of those."

"... Flat?" I already screwed the pooch on this one.

"What does that mean?" My mind was racing with a million swears.

"It means… Uh… You uh… You're really… Dope?"

She answered with silence. She reached down and pulled out her laspistol. She put it on the table. "Would you like to tell me the truth?" she coyly asked.

"Um… What do you mean by that?" She picked up the laspistol and held it off lazily to the side. "I told you the truth the first time."

She then pointed the laspistol at my head. "Tell me the truth."

I held up my hands. "Woah, okay! When I said you were flat, I was talking about your boobs which are really small, so it looks like you have a flat chest, kinda like a guy, and I mistook you for a guy, and I hope you don't find offense to that, and you know it's cool if you do, hey did you know you have pretty eyes, could you put that thing away it's kinda scary and I really don't appreciate it right there, I quite like my head thank you very-"

"Shut up." My english teachers would hate that run on sentence. "I'm still trying to digest what you just said." She put the weapon down.

"I would recommend against that," I said, just as quick. I poked my elbow at Dekaff. "Dude, help me out here," I whispered off to the side.

"You dug this hole yourself," he replied quietly. Traitor.

"In the first ten seconds I've met you, you have called my… Boobs really small, my eyes pretty, and that I look like a man."

"I don't remember that second one."

"Whatever. What are boobs?" I can't win. I never can. Tzeentch, you douchebag, stop messing with me.

After thinking that, I swore I heard laughter echo in my head. This wasn't normal. "Uh… If I explain it, will you promise not to shoot me?"

"I won't shoot you."

"Okay, cool," I said, still uncertain. Those words did not calm me in the slightest, but at least I won't die. I pointed at her chest with my finger. "Those are boobs."

A silence reigned in the room. My finger fell downward. Dekaff, my bro, decided to stop betraying me and came to my rescue. "You have to understand, he's a feral worlder," he spoke out.

"Ah. That explains a lot. Very well, I shall excuse your mannerisms and words for now, but I expect you to act like a proper member of the Steel Legion from here on out." That is metal as fuck.

"Don't you worry, ma'am. I am Steel Legionnaire material, in and out."

Her eyes wandered down, then back up. "You don't look it." There went my ego. You know, I've heard in the military, they break you down and then build you back up, but I don't think I can recover from that.

Her head went back to her desk, which was littered with paperwork. She waved her hand at us. "Go do drills or something, I don't care." Dekaff and I saluted. We turned together and walked calmly out of the barracks.

Then we freaked the hell out. "What is wrong with you!?" he yelled at me.

"I couldn't help it, there was a gun at my head!"

"And why would that be the case?"

"I don't know, dude." He facepalmed at my ignorance. Little did he know, I knew precisely what he was talking about. When guns aren't at my head, I am surprisingly good at avoiding questions.

"Maybe you shouldn't talk about the sergeant's chest the SECOND you meet her!"

"I did that?" I asked, putting a finger against my chin.

"You can't… Can't… Can't just say those things about someone you just met," he scolded, crossing his arms.

"You're just jealous I'm closer to the pussy than you." Check and mate.

What I got from my sick burn was a confused look. "What? No, I don't even know what that means, and I don't want to. Point is: She's going to kill you the first chance she gets." I pretended to be surprised.

"You're right! Dude, I can't believe I did that…" No, she wouldn't. She is thoroughly broken. I imagine she's seen so many faces come and go that she just doesn't care anymore. That means we have something in common.

"I can't either. Look, let's just… what, shoot orks?"

"And here I thought we'd be guarding a door." I was happy to get a chance to see Kharn again.

"Do you remember the way to the armory?" I was sad to lose my chance to see Kharn again.

* * *

By the time we found the armory, Clarissa was in there with two other dudes. They were already suited up by the time we wandered in. "Hey guys, how's it going?"

Nobody said anything. They all just stared at me. "Ooookay, everyone, I guess we're-"

"Going on a firing drill."

"Going on a firing, well alright then," the sergeant and I said simultaneously. "Hey, so, I already did one of these today, can we not have that today?"

"You will adjust to our schedule. If you feel tired, work through it." It's not that I'm tired, it's just that I really don't want to engage huge, hairless, green gorillas with more dakka than you can shake a stick at.

"Ugh, fine." Just as I said that, a lasgun fell out of its rack. I recognized it instantly: It was my battle brother, Kharn. The squad all jumped at the sudden movement, I won't say if I was included. "My lasgun!"

"You don't have assigned equipment," the sergeant said. Bitch, please. Nobody can handle this baby but me. I walked over to Kharn, picked him up, then grabbed a knife. I started to etch the word 'Kharn' on it, but I was stopped by the flat chest. "You do that, you die." She started walking towards me.

I only have one grimdark life to live, so I continued with what I was doing. "I can't believe you."

When I was done, Kharn was pimped out, and had his own name on himself. What a swell guy. That done, I got the rest of my stuff on and followed the crew out.

However, I saw a techpriest walking our way as I exited the armory. "Out of the way!" he… she… it yelled. It didn't sound like a person, it sounded like Microsoft Sam to the extreme.

He stopped right next to me. He looked at Kharn. "What have you DONE?!" He tried to steal Kharn from me.

"Hey, he's my battle brother!"

"HOW DARE YOU DESECRATE TECHNOLOGY!" it shrieked, and it was far worse than the orks. My ears were actually bleeding, or at least I like to think. It ripped Kharn away from me with some sort of superhuman strength.

It then moved all of its technocles... tentachos… Mechatendrils! That's what they were. It moved its mechatendrils towards me in a very threatening way. I've seen enough hentai to know where this was going.

You know, seeing my life flash before me reminds me that I've nearly died two times in this universe. This sucks to the extreme. I didn't even have my grimdark life for that long!

Clarissa came to my rescue. "Techpriest, I apologize humbly for this soldier. He comes from a feral world and-"

"A SAVAGE?! You let a savage touch a piece of technology!?" As soon as it said that, my homeboy Kharn fired. Its hand was nowhere near the trigger. It shifted its head towards Kharn. "What is wrong with it?"

I stepped in like a baller. "I suggest you give me the weapon."

Its head turned surprisingly close to me. I could see the remnants of a nose, and several little tubes going into the nostrils. One eyepiece had a dangerous red glow to it, and the other seemed to be shifting quite a bit. A few spiky things were moving up and down on his face, which consisted mostly of tubes and a breather. It was disgusting.

"I suggest you shut up, fleshbag." Kharn somehow shifted out of the dude's hands and shoot it in the back of the head. It grunted and its back arched in defeat. "Fine. I hope it kills you, savage."

It waddled away, making clanking sounds as it went. I looked at Kharn on the ground. That man was awesome. He resisted the evil clutches of a techpriest and has dominated numerous orks. Honestly, is there anything he couldn't do?

I picked him up after honoring his bravery. Everyone except Dekaff looked at me strangely as I hugged Kharn closely.

Somebody tapped my shoulder. "Excuse me, why are you so… Attached to that unreliable piece of-" I almost decked that guy in the face, but Kharn did his best by firing at the ceiling.

"He has feelings, you know? This guy saved my life, and I made him realize his potential."

The looks I got were even stranger than before. Dekaff just sighed and said, "That thing saved him once. Apparently, he thinks he owes his life to it." All was silence for a couple of seconds. "Also, he's a feral worlder."

A collective 'oh' was heard. Could they not understand that Kharn was by far the best thing of all time? I never believed in the whole 'machine spirit' thing until I saw this dude in action. I don't even have to pull a trigger!

Perhaps it is because I came from a time where AI in anything other than computer programs was inconceivable. Maybe it's because a gun has more personality than half of the people in this squad. Maybe, just maybe, it's because I actually befriended an inanimate object, something I pretended to do back on Earth. Terra. It's hard converting to this whole 40k thing, okay?

You might wonder why I tend to skip through these boring walks and get straight into the meat of things. If this were Earth, these boring walks would be actually entertaining because I could spout references left and right and generally be a nuisance. Now, though, I can't say a thing. Nobody would get it, they would all just tell it off as me being a feral worlder. If I said the wrong thing, I'd be executed.

Then again, that was only two or three walks. I could try making it exciting. I thought deep, getting past my internal depression and screaming, and tried to find some song lyrics. Oh, I also lost the music of my time.

I got it. "Oh say can you see!" I sung out, bursting out into random song. I was secretly hoping the others would join, but no such luck belonged to me. "By the dawn's early light!"

"What is he doing now?" one dude asked Dekaff.

"What so proudly we hailed," I continued. I'll have to warn you, I was chosen out of one hundred people to sing this at many assemblies at school. I knew it in and out, and I was pretty good at it.

"He's never done this before…" Dekaff quietly replied.

"At the twilight's last gleaming," I crescendoed. These kiddies were in for something else, I tell you.

"Stop," Clarissa ordered. I did as ordered, wisely. "I like it. You will teach us how to sing that." WHAT.

"WHAT," I stated. It was not a question.

"You sing well, and the song itself seems nice enough." Uh… Do we even have a choir? Does the Imperial Guard even sing? I wouldn't imagine so.

"I dunno, it's pretty complicated."

"It doesn't seem that way to me. It'd make a fitting battle song." I'm not singing anything in the middle of a battlefield, let alone that. I'd be too busy not getting rekt. "I can imagine a lone standard bearer, singing that out as we make a last stand against terrible odds… We would be victorious, and everything would be grand."

"Until the space marines steal the credit…"

"I hate it when they do that, as well." Holy shit, that's canon? I thought it was just a joke!

"Well uh… Yeah, sure, I can teach you that. But I request our squad be called the 'Americans'." An eyebrow was raised at that.

"Why?"

"Just giving the original writers of that song some credit."

"I… Suppose. It'd only be right. Now, what were the first few words you sang?" America, fuck yeah!


	5. Chapter 5

Real talk, guys. You never get used to the stress that comes from engagement. I don't mean engagement like marriage, I mean wars and battles. I am more than sure I've already obtained PTSD from the whole 'everything I know is gone' thing. That, I can deal with. Treating everything as a joke has helped me smile and laugh through it.

But having something completely alien in your face, kicking your shit in? No. You can't get used to that. When that ork threw me into the air, I know he wasn't using all of his strength. I know that could have been more painful. That terrifies me, just to feel an ork's strength. That was the first time I was ever in combat.

And now I'm being told to go out there again. I taught the guys the first few sentences of Star-Spangled Banner, but that was more of a distraction. I remembered just what I was doing when the outside dust smacked me in the face.

I didn't really want to fight orks again. Last time I did that, I was kinda beaten. Maybe I should try to follow orders? Would that change anything?

I thought about following orders when I heard an explosion. I instinctively pulled down my goggles, and protected my beautiful eyes. After all, it'd be a shame to lose those with my ears.

Now, while I may be losing my hearing, I distinctly remember where that explosion came from. We were going straight towards it. We were walking to our doom. A day in the life of an average guardsman.

I had heard multiple more explosions as I advanced towards a corner, and they all got louder and louder. Then, I started hearing the cracks of lasguns. I figured they would sound like 'pew pew', but I guess that's reserved for the Tau. I hate the Tau.

As we were about to reach the corner, that's when I heard it. The terrifying sound that would be my end. "WAAAGH!" Dude, I regret my life decisions enough, you don't need to help, Mr. Ork Warboss.

I gripped Kharn tighter, and remembered something. I pulled out the insanely long knife and shoved that right on Kharn. I then braced for a giant mega nob around the corner.

Clarissa turned, then began running. I turned, a grimace upon my face. That quickly dropped. In fact, I nearly dropped to the floor.

It was amazing.

No, I mean it this time. It looked like something straight out of a codex. There was a Leman Russ firing at a massive gathering of green blotches, turning it to a crimson paste. That was the cause of the explosions.

There was a line of guardsmen, firing at the enemy. A few bodies littered the floor, but there was always another man to take their place. A few guys were actually enjoying a meal in the back.

A single man was standing over the others, a bolt pistol and chainsword in his hands. He had a unique appearance, and I was convinced this dude was some sort of leader.

Speaking of leaders, Clarissa was making her way downtown, walking fast, faces pass and she was home bound. I decided to follow after gawking in awe. I was a fair bit slower, but you gotta understand that this was AWESOME. This puts modern day combat to shame! Hiding in a building and occasionally poking out versus IMPERIAL GUARD.

Wait, this is a firing drill. This all is a firing drill. I stopped, and Dekaff bumped into me. "Come on, Joker!" he yelled, somehow able to understand him.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! Where was our tank!" I roared. I was admittedly a little miffed at how WE NEVER GOT A TANK. Is that why it went so bad?

The tank suddenly stopped firing. The green tide started approaching when the heavy bolters on the Leman Russ began exploding. I could see the devastation three heavy bolters was doing to these poor orks. These heavy bolters were straight up ruining these orks. No longer could these boys call themselves virgins as the bolts penetrated and exploded within them.

That said, I think things were going well. Why couldn't I have a Leman Russ? I know Kharn is cool, but come on! Ah well, I guess going up against the orks isn't that bad. Especially if there's a giant tank named after a primarch helping out.

* * *

I'm still alive, which was surprising. Firing drills are… Boring, actually. It was mostly about hoping you get a kill, and I never got any. The tank is way less cool when it snipes your kills. It was okay, though. I hesitated for the first few shots, but I don't understand why. Orks aren't that scary.

Anyways, things followed a schedule for a while. I kept teaching the squad, now cemented as the 'Americans', how to sing the Star-Spangled Banner. I want to say Clarissa has a beautiful voice, but she really doesn't. A shame. I guess yelling 24/7 can wreck your vocal cords. Dekaff, on the other hand, has a lovely baritone voice.

However, one day, something different happened. I was flexing on my ex, when suddenly the sergeant called me out for a talk. Do note that I was much calmer now that things have become normal, and I've gotten acclimated to the world.

I stopped doing whatever I was doing and went into her little office she had. I closed the door behind me. Surprisingly, it was a push activated metal door. Here I thought a wooden door would have been okay, but whatever. Grimdark.

"Yeah, sarge?" I began.

"Tell me about the Americans." I was the wrong person to ask about this.

"What would you like to know?"

"Tell me how they joined the Imperium."

I couldn't help laughing at that. I smoothed my face at her look. "We… They never joined the Imperium."

Her mouth dropped to the floor. "What? They deny the Emperor's grace?"

"They never had the chance to." For all I know, somebody like Donald Trump was secretly the Emperor and established the Imperium. "They all died out before the Emperor got to them…"

"Unfortunate. What ended them, the orks?"

I snickered at that. I then realized my headcanon was truly what happened to the USA. "No, they were ended by their rivals, the Nazis. It was only a matter of time."

"The Nazis? What kind of Xeno is that?" Look at the Inquisition. Ooh, that was actually good.

"The Nazis were the predecessors to the Inquisition."

Her entire face contorted in surprise. "What?! You mean to tell me the song you've been teaching us is heretical?"

Now it was time for me to be surprised. I think I sealed my fate, at this point. "Not at all. It was said the Americans would follow any leader who had a personality, and the Emperor had the best personality of all mankind. Plus, as I said, the Emperor never got to them." That seemed to calm her down.

"How did they come to be?" she asked after a moment of silence.

"They uh…" I thought very quickly. How do I give the Americans a bad name? "They originally were independent, but they quickly fell under the control of an eldar warlock council. Its members were Obama, John Kennedy, Reagan, Clinton, and George Bush." My history teacher would actually kill me. "But you see, the Americans were liberated by the later leader of the Nazis, Adolf Hitler." Now my history teacher would gut me.

"These are… A confusing people." Dude, you have no clue.

"Hey, that reminds me, how was the Imperium formed?" She scratched the back of her head.

"Um… The Emperor went around the universe, uniting all humans peacefully, and destroying all filthy xenos. Then, some heretics turned on him, so he made the Inquisition." Oh. My. God. The imperials really are brainwashed. This is so weird on the outside. Oh, sick burn on America, me! Thanks, bro. Me: 1, America: 0.

She noticed that I was dumbfounded. "Joker?"

"Huh, what? Oh, nothing. I was just uh…" Have to think of something.

"You were just what?"

"Staring… Into your eyes." There we go. That'd work for now.

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, totally, dude." I am such a bad liar.

"What do you think?" Now I just need to figure out a getaway, wait what did she ask?

"Excuse me?" I asked, particularly confused. She looked me straight in the eyes, and I tried to look away. Her gaze was kind of uncomfortable.

"What do you think about my eyes? You've said something about them before."

"Oh, I lied that time. Now that I've-"

"A man wouldn't lie when a gun is to his head."

"That's what you think, but-"

"And you called them pretty." She remembers. Better kill myself before she kills me. It might be less painful.

"Uh…" I looked up towards a wall. "Oh! Will you look at the time! Dekaff said he needed me for a… Sparring exercise." She looked at me incredulously. "Yep, that's what it was. Sparring."

"Sparring," she flatly said.

"Sparring," I replied with a small bit of enthusiasm. She continued looking at me. "Which I have to do, right now." She still stared at me. "So I'll be going." She kept the whole 'look at him suspiciously' thing she had going. I started back pedaling, noping on the inside.

Before I could escape from her room, she looked back down at her desk, and said, "Have fun, Joker." I noped right out of the room. I must be a master escape artist at this point: I've done this same thing at least two or three times before. Thank goodness looks cannot kill… Unless it's the 41st millennium, where there is only aliens that can kill you with a look. And yes, I'll reuse that line as much as I want, for in the 41st millennium, there is only repetition. Wait, that's actually surprisingly accurate.

Anyways, I didn't spar Dekaff because sparring isn't a thing in the Imperial Guard. Seriously, you'd think it'd be a good idea, and it would promote competition and team work and would foster relationships. Whatever, we don't need that, we're guardsmen! We have cardboard and flashlights, so there's no need for the whole sparring thing.

Speaking of the cardboard, have I described how flak is? Well, it's actually quite light. I'd say about twenty five pounds for the vest. I don't know how to convert that to whatever the guys here call it. What was it, grams? Jesus, who uses that? Everyone knows the pound system makes more sense.

* * *

Things were going well enough, or they were until it was time to hit the sack and take a nap. Now, I love sleeping, perhaps more than the next man, but I think tonight ruined that for me. So I had this weird dream that really felt realistic, like it wasn't a dream. Now that I think about it, it was more of a nightmare. Whatever, that doesn't matter.

Regardless, it opened nice enough. I was in space. The stars were nice and all, but suddenly, things started shifting purplish, pinkish, and bluish. Really weird. In fact, I suspect I was dreaming about the Warp. As it started shifting, I swore I had screaming, but it wasn't mine. That's my claim and I'm sticking to it.

So it stopped shifting, when I was suddenly thrown into some sort of shifting… Library? Palace? Whatever it was, it was almost all blue and pink. My face slammed against the floor, which was not fun. In fact, it was painful. I reeled back from it, and opened my eyes, which somehow were working in a dream. I swear it was a dream.

I saw this giant… Thing sitting on a throne. It had a glass of martini in one of its hands… Claws… Branches… Dude, it kept changing, and the dream is hard enough to remember. It took a single sip, shook the glass around like a pompous high-class douchebag, and said something along the lines of, "Just as planned."


	6. Chapter 6

So here I am, sitting here at the foot of this giant whatever the fuck sipping martini. What do I do? I get up, roll up my- I don't have sleeves, and I say, "WHAT THE ACTUAL-"

"Are you confused?" it interjected.

"What do you think?"

"I believe you to be… Misinformed. You believe this to be something you've never seen before, but it's clear you have! You just refuse to believe it." Bullshit. "I know you think I'm lying, but I am not." And a psychic. "Indeed."

Dude, I couldn't even think. It was awful. "What?"

"Shhh, perhaps you need an explanation. I am here to help you." It was at that point I did an assessment. I was almost certainly in the Warp, I was thrown into a strange place that constantly shifts, and I am talking to a giant whatever the hell which is saying it wants to help me.

"You're a neverborn," I say. It giggled, which was horrifying yet intriguing.

"No, I am the foster of them." It was at this point I realized who this was.

"TZEENTCH, YOU DOUCHEBAG!" I yelled. Suddenly, my mouth zipped close with a zipper. Just like a cartoon or something.

"Shhh, I am here to help. There is no need to yell at me," The zipper disappeared. "Or maybe there is. Who am I to say you cannot do what you want?"

"You know damn well who you are, and I know who you are." This was a mistake, you see. I should have acted clueless.

"Then you know I can help you get back to Earth." Now, this was just a dream, so I didn't believe him at first. "This isn't a dream, it's a vision." Now, this was just a vision, so I believed him entirely seeing there was no reason not to.

I knew better than to ask how when it came to Tzeentch. "So what do you want?"

"To get you home!" I cracked out laughing. "Are you laughing at me?"

"You may not be Cegorach, but you are laughable." I dabbled in Eldar, okay? They seemed a lot more competitive than Chaos Space Marines, and I just wanted to win.

"Oohoohoo! A joke! Well, what I say is no joke. I just want to help… You can change the terms to whatever you want." This got me thinking. "Yes, I can conjure up a daemonette." Bitchin'.

I thought long and hard. "Alright, I want to get back to Earth, I want a phone, and I want a daemonette all to myself. She can call me or something."

"My daemonette most certainly won't satisfy you, but it is so. Now, you shall remain in this universe for five years and shall bear my mark. Is that acceptable?"

Now, this really turned me away. These terms were difficult. "You don't have to accept them, now. Perhaps you need to warm up to me." Fuck it, it'll only get worse.

"I accept the terms." Tzeentch proceeded to cackle, and my vision faded to darkness. The terrible laugh continued throughout the darkness, clear as day. I felt like I made a mistake, but I got the daemon babe's number, so it was sooo worth it. Think about all the dude's back home that'll be jealous.

I started to realize I was just manipulated the fuck out of. I practically put up no argument, no fuss because I know how Tzeentch is. Dude, I got jipped hardcore.

And that was when I woke up. Something was immediately wrong as I awoke. There was a searing pain on my left upper arm, like there was a fresh tattoo or something. I don't know for sure, I've never had a tattoo. Not only that, I felt like there was something around me. No, I'm not joking, I felt like there was something always in the corner and like I was in some sort of bubble. The air was just… Different.

I checked myself, and found there was something in my pocket. I grabbed it out, and saw it was an iPhone. Dude. DUDE. This is freaky. I was not sure I was okay with this. I turned it on, and saw its power was at infinity. That was really unsettling. As if that wasn't bad enough, I had four new texts. I decided to say fuck it internally and went ahead and looked at them.

Two were from somebody called 'Bae', one from 'Ya Boi', and then the final one from 'Kharn'. I honestly didn't know what to think of this. I tapped on Ya Boi first because that was bound to be the least weird.

"Enjoy the phone, mortal! -T" Tzeentch, why? As soon as I thought that, the cackles flashed in my mind for a moment. I decided to not question the Warp or any of its denizens. I sighed, and decided to check out Kharn.

"hey dude! i just wanna thank you for awakening my spirit!" I stopped breathing as soon as I saw this. Kharn, my man!

I texted back, "kharn? the one that rekt that ork?"

The response was near immediate, "yeah! that was fun."

I love this. Thanks, papa Tzeentch. That said, I thought it was about time to check out who this 'Bae' person was. I checked out their texts.

"Hello Mortal. I Am Texting To You To Let You Know I Am 'Your' Daemonette. I Hope You Understand You Cannot Own Me. Anyways, What Is Your Favorite Bok?" The next text said "*Book."

I hate this. Fuck you, papa Tzeentch. I replied, "uh, i dunno. i really didnt read where i came from. i guess the 40k rulebook was the pinnacle of stuff i like?"

The response was, once again, immediate. "I Wouldn't Have Figured You For A 7th Ed Guy." 7th ed? What?

"7th? i was talking about 40k, not fantasy."

"Fantasy Isn't A Thing Anymore."

"wat." That's impossible. GW wouldn't shoot themselves in the foot like that, right? Right? I need some confirmation here.

I was texted something back, but I couldn't read it when a voice asked me, "What are you doing?" I instantly hid my phone, and stared straight at Dekaff.

"Nothing much, how about you?"

"I was going to ask you why the sergeant said we… Sparred." Oh. This really isn't something I wanted to deal with this morning.

"Oh, thaaaat! Yeah, we totally did." Clarissa appeared on cue from behind him.

"That's not what he told me," she said in a matter-of-factly manner. It's not often I lose, but I've officially lost. Not only have I already lost the incoming argument, I've lost my life. I can see it now.

"Oh, Dekaff, you old joker!" I slapped his shoulder, laughing as I did so.

"But you're Joker." I decided enough was enough. It was time he learned the bro code.

I gave him a look that said, 'HELP. ME.' He literally just stared back, confused out of his mind. "That means HELP. ME."

He then oh'd and faced the sergeant. "I uh… Lied?" I finally found a worse liar than me.

The sergeant facepalmed, then said, "This isn't worth my time." She turned tail and retreated, clearly defeated by the combined efforts of my ally and me. Easiest victory ever.

I looked towards Dekaff with a smile. I held out a fist. He stared at it, then looked up to me. I moved my hand slightly, nodding at it. Dekaff met my fist with one of his own after that. I gave him a thumbs up. He seemed to understand.

So he left to go hang with the other members of the squad, who we'll call Disposable 1 and Disposable 2 for the purposes of easy identification. Disposable 1 was really tall and Disposable 2 was kinda short, a little bit shorter than me.

I whipped out my phone once he was out of sight, and I went straight into a nerdy conversation with the daemonette. Her texting style really did piss me off, but I could get past that for the fact that GW assassinated Fantasy.

* * *

So one day is going good enough. Talked to… ugh, 'Bae', made sure to bro fist Dekaff and continue in his tutorage of the ways of true bros, and I chilled with Kharn. Remember the Techpriest? He came back and threw Kharn at me, yelling he now belongs to me and I better not harm the Machine Spirit any more. Like I could harm a machine…

Anyways, things were going great. Until one fateful day where Clarissa came before the squad while we were eating. She began with, "We have our first mission, men." Oh fuck. Dude, what if we have to lead the charge? What if we have to get behind enemy lines and disrupt the main battle line? What if- "We'll be providing orks for our artillery crews to practice on."

Oh. That is significantly better than what I was thinking. "Cool."

"That means we have to attract orks."

"Cool," I calmly said. Orks weren't that bad once you got to know them. And had a tank.

"That also means one stray basilisk round could come our way."

"Huh. Not cool," I replied. Certain death because guys five hundred miles away were fucking about? Nah, nah, no, that was just fine and DANDY.

So that ruined the meal. We all got our stuff on, and headed out to the dusty war-torn landscape. The radio thing, I think they called it a vox, on Clarissa crackled and there was some dude on the other end of it talking to her every now again.

I've been pretty honest up to this point, so I'll continue when I say I don't want to get deaded to death by our own artillery in what is essentially a training exercise. Grimdarkness aside, I decided it would be for the best to blindly follow my sergeant into death. After all, it's better to die for the Corpse Emperor than to live for yourself. Or even worse, get killed because you were yourself. Just like in my home country. Me: 2, America: 0.

After doing that sick burn, I'm not sure where to pick up from. The walk and talk was boring at best. Nothing exciting ever happens in the Imperial Guard, if you discounted the firing drills. The first few days were the biggest shock, and now it's just sorta sunk in.  
My back straightened right the fuck up as I heard something crack in some ruins we were investigating. I don't know why, maybe to find some orks or something, but we were investigating them. There was most certainly something that wasn't us in there.

The Disposables were behind me, and looked at me. "Something scare you?"

Then the other one said, "What, were you staring at the sergeant again?" Savage.

I turned to face them, my voice low and quiet. "You guys hear that?"

"Hear what?" one said. The other shrugged and moved forward. I pointed off in the direction of the sound, crouching down. I was not ready for this. I really didn't want to die, most certainly not where I would not be remembered. Fighting the biggest, baddest ork, sure. Fighting a Chaos Lord or a Space Marine Chapter Master, sure. But a random ruin in the middle of nowhere?

"Over there. Contact." I really tried to be military-ish. I don't know if it worked because the other Disposable left with the other. You ever have that teammate who sucks? Yeah, that was these two.

I decided to maneuver towards the noise. I silently crept to an archway, and placed my back upon it. I was breathing deeply, hopefully not making too much noise. If I had asthma problems, I'd probably be having an attack. As it stood, I was only suffering a mild panic attack. I was perfectly fine.

I peered around the corner and saw some guardsmen. Oh, friendlies! I almost came around the corner when I noticed many of them had torn coats, revealing the insignia of chaos. You know, the eight pointed star. I hugged that wall for dear life.

I listened intently, hoping to hear them and where they were going. "I heard them go this way. Let us make them bleed!" one practically hissed.

"Khorne, there will be rivers of blood for you…" Christ, I hate Khornates.

"Kill. Maim." I had enough of these dumbasses. Chaos Cultists are really bad, and have practically the worst armor. If I get the drop on them, Kharn can ruin these chucklefucks. I breathed heavily for a moment, then came to peace with my decision.

I whipped around the corner, Kharn at my side. Now was my time to be a complete badass. "Burn."


	7. Chapter 7

I pulled the trigger of Kharn, firing several lasers. Unfortunately, hip fire isn't as accurate in real life as it is in Call of Duty. While that was a shame, it was a far larger shame that I didn't hit anything. And by anything, I really meant anything. I think they all went out a window.

The cultists, renegades, whatever at this point looked at each other, waited a moment, then stared at me. They brought their mixture of lasguns and M16's or whatever they had up to their shoulders, aiming directly at me. One guy even brought out a grenade, tossing it slightly up in the air, looking rather intimidating.

"Shit," I loudly said. I dolphin dived behind the archway, hearing the blasts of autoguns and the crackles of lasguns filling the room I just left. A grenade appeared a few feet from my feet, and I really do think I had a panic attack.

I scrambled like some eggs away from that thing. I was terrified for my life. I turned onto my back, army crawling like a boss. I was hyperventilating, breathing sporadically and really not getting the air I needed to sustain running away.

I heard an explosion behind me, damn near destroying my eardrums. Remember when I said I'd lost my hearing so long ago? Okay, this time, I mean it. That was loud. I felt a sharp pain on the back of one of my legs.

I stopped crawling as I realized something. They are called frag grenades because they have FRAGMENTS in them! Holy fucking shit, dude! I probably have one of those in my legs. If I live, this will be a baller tale to tell. I turned over onto my back.

My leg felt the heaviest it's ever been. It sunk to the ground, anchoring me in place. As it hit the floor, I think it shoved the fragment deeper into my leg. Either way, I think I heard one of those cultists howling in pain. Definitely not me because I am manly. Very manly.

That said, I reached for Kharn, attempting to cradle him. He was always there for me. Well, except this time. I tried looking for him, and I found him on the other side of the room. I don't think I had the strength to crawl over there, especially with this burden we'll just call a fucked up leg because that's what it was.

So I also got a decent look at my fucked up leg. What I saw was the opposite of pretty. On the front, it was gucci man, but on the back? It was like an oil spill, except with blood. Grimdark. I think I've thoroughly stopped caring about everything at this point. I'm going to die, and that's the end of it.

Tzeentch, dude, why? I thought when you said five years, I would actually live that long. I guess there are no guarantees in my fate, huh? I'm giving it a good thinking. My soul's going straight to the master planner. My juicy, delicious soul. The thing that, you know, would have been safe. Is it any different from a real imperial's? With how old I am, I guess it would be just a tad bit different.

Why did I consort with the dark gods? The ruinous powers are some crazy drugs, I'll tell ya. They make you do anything, and that includes the worst things. You really start thinking about your life decisions when you're on your death… floor? Not quite a bed, but it works.

I shouldn't have shoved that one chick away way back in my senior year. She really was a good influence, you know? She was nice, she always enjoyed joking around, but at the same time, she was clean, innocent. I mean, she had her fair share of problems. She really was more like a dude, and I'm fairly convinced she would have destroyed me in a 1v1 IRL. Then again, what does it matter?

I looked up after a couple of minutes of thinking, and saw a renegade standing over me. "Oh, loyalist, you've chosen a poor day to die!" He looked up to the ceiling. "Khorne, I hope you relish in this sacrifice, and the blood to follow!" He then started praying and praising the blood god. He was always my least favorite. His fans were just as ignorant as his followers.

Speaking of sick burns, I saw he dropped his autogun in exchange for a knife. I grabbed that during his little tirade about blood this, blood that. I pointed it straight at his leg. He would feel my pain. Gotta love schadenfreude.

"Let the galaxy burn," I said. He looked down and actually gasped. How he didn't suspect I would do this, I don't know. I shot that guy's kneecaps to hell. This is why you don't fuck with the mob.

Well, in actuality, I pulled the trigger, he fell down, and the gun's recoil knocked it out of my hand. I was able to get off one faint sounding shot. I'm fairly certain I was still recovering from the grenade. That dude started screaming, probably angry he couldn't finish his monologue.

He started to move towards me, and I tried backing away. It was a full on crawl brawl. I did a crawling roundhouse kick on his face, and was amazed when it knocked off his gas mask. The dude was actually frothing at the mouth! You see why I hate Khornates?

I saw him raise his knife up, and rolled off to the side, feeling the burn from my fucked up leg. His knife tinked on the concrete floor. I grasped the autogun, and swung back towards him. I pointed the gun at his face. Had to think of something awesome.

"You're gay." A single blast silenced him and ended his tantrum. I put the gun down calmly next to me, and I kicked the new corpse off of me. Not my finest work, both in the wordplay and combat department, but it did well enough.

I looked at my bud who I had a little scuff with and saw just what kind of damage I did. His face was mangled, and a large piece of skin was peeled off, having a small bit of skull and some flesh attached to it loosely. I could see little pieces of brain splattered over his head, and I could see a portion of the inside of his head, which was a red and white mess.

I tossed myself away from that abomination. I smashed my hands on the ground. I started to try to crawl away, despite the pain in my fucked up leg. I almost threw up just from the sight of that… My handiwork. Fuck dude, I didn't hate the guy that much! I always thought it'd just be a small hole that dripped blood, not full on carnage! This was awful. I was awful. This is why I liked Kharn. He cauterized every wound, at least from what I saw from the orks.

Plus, the orks weren't human. I couldn't feel for them. They were humorous in death! They were a joke. But this wasn't a joke. I peered over my shoulder at the mess. I regretted it immediately and kept looking at the ground as I pulled on the ground. Little wet spots started dotting the ground. I wasn't fucking crying, okay?!

When I finally hit a wall, I cuddled up against it. The wall was my friend. If I were huddled against the wall, they would probably think I died. Plus, I was bleeding, so they probably assumed I died anyway. It was hard to crumple, but once I did, it was so inviting. I loved the sweet embrace of myself. Then again, it was myself that created this tragedy, huh?

My hearing started to come back, and I heard yells, lasguns, autoguns, some more explosions. Standard affair that I didn't care much about. I'd die anyways. I deserved to die for what I did. I know it was him or me. I know he was in a rage. But I could have admitted my involvement with chaos and teamed up with him. Then I'd have to kill Dekaff or Clarissa. You don't win with chaos.

God, I could have had a nice death on the front line, had a massive ork slug in me, maybe be in pieces because of a rokkit, all the good shit. Instead, I got rekt by a grenade. I can see why kids hate the noob tube now. It's almost as bad as dying from a throwing knife to the pinkie toe.

That said, I thought things were dying down. Or maybe I was dying, and consciousness was slipping away from me. Either way, things were quieting down. Soon, there would be silence. You know, that sounds way more terrifying when you're sitting there with your fucked up leg, cradling yourself while in your mind the saddest song is being played on the violin. Did I mention I was thinking about that?

Dying sucks. I thought that as I turned one last time to look at the room. The rim of my vision started fading to darkness, and I could hear the faint sound of someone yelling. I then saw the sergeant come out from behind the archway. How she got there, I didn't really care. I think she looked at me and then started pacing towards me.

I know that was the last thing I saw.

* * *

Ha, gotcha, punk. Thought I was dead? Wrong! Nah, don't worry, I thought I was dead, too. Instead, here I am on some sort of table. I looked down and saw my leg seemed to be… Almost perfectly fine? What the fuck, dude? Was that a dream? If Tzeentch did that, I will pimp slap him on my way out. That shit isn't funny.

I looked around the room. There were some medical looking appliances and some red crosses. I am amazed that the red cross is still popular in medical arts. I wonder if that little needle thing with wings is still popular? It was cooler than a cross. Then again, a red cross is amazingly simple to remember.

Some guy in an outfit walked in with a metal clipboard. Get used to metal being everywhere. In the grim darkness of the 41st millennium, there is only metal. Anyways, the dude looked vaguely like a doctor. He looked up at me, and his mouth went into a 'O' shape as he stared at me. He looked back down at the clipboard, examining it, then back up.

He then turned around and walked out. Jesus, do I look that bad? I'll admit, I haven't really worked much on making myself look good, but that's a real low blow. I wish I had a mirror. Once again, I was alone, hoping to god I wasn't actually dead. Actually, I suppose I would hope to Tzeentch now, huh? That'll be weird. Weird and heretical. I like it.

So get this: The dude comes back after a few minutes, and the sergeant is with him. That's cool, it's always nice seeing a halfway decent face that I can recognize. I waved at her, and her mouth dropped into an 'O' as well. I swear if Tzeentch morphed half my face into some sort of bird… Thing, I'll be REALLY pissed off. He'll be getting at least 5 angry texts already. I should block his messages, as well. That'll teach the god of fate not to fuck with me.

But then Clarissa goes ahead and walks over to me, then straight up hugs me. Christ, dude, we talked every other day, is it really necessary to do this? I was only out for what felt like a few hours, at most. "I can't believe how fast you've recovered, Joker." She then lets go and stares at me. I wanted to say something, but nothing came up.

The doctor guy spoke up. "It usually takes victims of a fragmentation grenade at least two weeks to recover, but you only took about five days." I WAS OUT FOR FIVE DAYS?!

"Seriously!? Dude, think of all the stuff I missed!" Dekaff might have gotten a girlfriend for all I know! Unlikely, knowing the dude, but hey, love can bloom on the battlefield.


	8. Chapter 8

My leg really recovered well. I expected to have a pimp walk, you know, with a limp. Alas, woe is me for I cannot have such things. Such is the way of grimdark. Everything was generally fine for a couple of hours. I learned that the Disposables suffered from a case of terminal death, which is to be expected.

I think I could have tried to learn their names. Then again, it really didn't matter in the long run. IF they lived, and that's a massive IF, I'd just leave them in five years. I don't think Tzeentch would lie to me about the terms. I mean, he can mess around with them as much as he likes, like giving me the most boring Daemonette of all time, but the terms are final. I will go back in five years, whether a corpse or not.

The good news: We got some more Disposables. We'll call them 3 and 4. 3 is a female, surprisingly enough, and 4 is average. Either way, I didn't care much for them. They were sticklers, unlike Dekaff who has grown to be quite the bro. He has adopted what we've taken to calling the 'American Way', which is more or less being a decent person. Not very accurate considering the title. Me: 3, America: 0. Come on, America, step it up!

Here's something weird I've noticed: Clarissa is taking less time in her office and watches the squad more. Though I think she looks at me a fair bit more. That's kinda weird, but I am quite the handsome devil, so I can't complain too much.

I also noticed something. She had a few more of those red seal things with paper on them. You know, the things that dot all imperial equipment. Not only that, but she was telling me how the Munitorum was going to let her take along a Power Fist for her reckless saving of me and her combat prowess. Now I don't know about that second one. I haven't seen her fight, and I'll be honest: I come from a time where sexism was the norm. I don't think she could take me on.

I noted that we completed our mission. Dekaff and the sergeant got some of those seals while I got jack because I got wounded. Shouldn't I get a purple heart? Grimdark, I guess. Anyways, things were progressing well enough for me. I still had nightmares of that dude's face. It was… Horrible. I never want to fight another human being, if only to avoid that sight.

I'll be honest, over the few months I've been here, I've gotten pretty jacked compared to when I first arrived. I'm still lean, but now I'm mean. I got bite to my bark. I got swagger to my sway. I was tough, and I looked damn good. At least, I thought. I dunno, I'm pretty vane. Why didn't Slaanesh pick me? Why'd it have to be Tzeentch? Then again, could Slaanesh get me home with my dick attached?

Moving onwards, it happened during a firing drill. I was sniping orks, or trying to. There were three tanks kill stealing all over the place. I seriously don't know how they have so many orks coming in at this one point. It's ridiculous.

Clarissa comes up to our squad, which was weird because she was usually doing paperwork. Then, I saw she had her power fist on. Let me just say, power fists are really damn cool. You know what? Every melee weapon is REALLY cool. She asked us to follow her. We got out of our little trench and followed her.

She started with, "We have a mission, men." Suck it, 3, you're essentially a man at this point. "We are to assist some of our Astartes lords." Everyone except me gasped. "They are pushing a position held by the orks, and we are to be their escorts." Their meat shields.

Dekaff seemed to have a nerdgasm. He looked at me, and pushed me. "You hear that, Joker? We're gonna see space marines!"

"Wow," I said. I was completely deadpan.

"Oh come on, you gotta be excited!"

"Woah, space marines. So cool," I said. I had a beef with loyal Astartes. "Hey, Clare, you know which marine chapter we're helping out?"

She turned to face me, an eyebrow raised. "Chapter?"

The world seemed to stop moving for me. Are you for real? They don't teach the Imperial Guard what space marine chapters there are?

"Just… Whatever, let's go." And so we marched. All the way to a CHIMERA. Now THESE were some rims. Tank transports get all the bitches, as was proven when the sergeant stepped inside, beckoning us all within.

That's when I think I met the most interesting fellow ever. I sit up at the front, on the other side of the chimera from the sergeant, and there's this guy going around, checking the consoles. I look at him and see he's at most four feet tall. So I open up the conversation.

"Hey, shorty. Whatcha doin'?"

He looks back at me, and he looks very happy. "Ah! Hello there! Top of the morning to you," he said in a very Irish accent. He looked back at the consoles and various knobs and levers. "I'm just making this thing go!"

"Ooh, nice."

"Heh, you think that's nice? I can make this thing go faster." Now, I read a little bit of the manual, or primer. I saw a little speed gauge, and I saw it was moving at the top speed for Chimeras.

"Is that so?"

"You bet."

"I'd like to see you try to make this thing move faster than the slug's pace it's going at." The sergeant stared at me disapprovingly, but did nothing. I honestly don't know why.

"Oh ho ho? Is that a wee bit of a bet I'm hearing?" I was beginning to like this guy at this point. I had nothing to bet with, though.

"It just might be if I see some proof." The midget started moving all about, and the chimera started to feel faster. I looked at the gauge, and it was going into the red zone. He was actually doing it.

"That proof enough?"

"I don't think so! This was barely faster than a car on my world!" I liked going fast. It was a good feeling, and being in a metal as fuck chimera made it that much better.

"Cut it out back there!" I presume the driver said. Honestly, who would listen to that guy?

"Fasta, fasta!" I yelled, much like an ork. The sergeant was facepalming, Dekaff was bracing, and who gives two cares about the Disposables. The Irish midget starting flipping all the damn levers.

The chimera turned from fast to hella fast in a matter of seconds. There was screaming in the chimera, and I was roaring with laughter. Everything was great. We continued at that pace, hopping up and down quite a bit, until we got to our destination.

* * *

When we stopped, boy, was it harsh. I was standing, and we almost immediately stopped. I smashed into the front of the chimera, and plopped onto the floor. Thank god I had a helmet. It still hurt, but it cushioned the blow a good bit.

When I picked myself up, the sergeant was laughing at me. "Hey, are you laughing at me?" She just giggled in response. Then her face smoothed out. "Oh, business mode. Alright boys, serious time."

The chimera door opened, and we wandered out. The first thing I noticed was about three space marines. They were all green. My god, it was the Salamanders! Of all the loyalist chapters, they were without a doubt the nicest and coolest. Without a doubt the best chapter we could have gotten.

They saw us approaching, and turned to face us. One of them turned their heads to the other, and I could hear them from where I was. "Is that all?" Oh. Were we the only ones? Are… Are we literally distractions? Oh my god, I didn't want to believe that. Oh my god, I am going to die, and a space marine is going to take all the credit.

As I got closer, I saw how truly massive the marines were. You know when they say space marines are big compared to normal humans? They are fucking HUGE. I'd say easily nine feet tall, but I don't know if that did it justice. Dekaff was having a field day besides me.

Me, I… Really wasn't that impressed. With what I've seen, I'm used to being small. I'm used to seeing huge, green things. It sucks, being a guard and all. But hey, at least there's a space marine to help! Make that three. Also, I've seen so many space marines, the experience has sorta been dried out. Now, present a chaos space marine, you know, something interesting…

When we were right up next to them, the squad lined up with the sergeant in front of us. She saluted them. "It is an honor to serve you, my lords."

"There is no need for formalities, guardswoman," the one in the middle said. "We merely need you to follow us."

I raised my hand. The space marines looked at me. "Hey, uh… Salamanders, right?" The space marines nodded, and the rest of the guardsmen looked incredibly confused at me. "Right, okay, so we're pushing ork position." They nodded again. "With three space marines and five guardsmen." They nodded once more. "Call me doubtful, but I don't think that's gonna work."

The head one walked over to me. Shit, dude, he was tall. "There is no room for doubt in the Imperium. Follow us, and we shall be victorious, I assure you." Arguing would make the situation worse, so I just saluted. Thus we began another march. Everybody entered combat mode, ready to attack the first thing that moved.

I decided to make some conversation with a space marine next to me. "So… Tell me about your chapter master." His head cocked towards me.

"How do you know this knowledge?" They were onto me.

"It's just something I've picked up on over my years as a guardsman." There was silence for a few moments.

"So you wish to know about Vulkan?"

"Oh lord, not your primarch. Just your chapter master."

"That IS our chapter master's name," he said. Holy shit, a primarch is still alive?! "Vulkan He'Stan." Oh. "He is our Forge Father, and has guided us to victory for many years, surely longer than you've lived."

"Yeah, probably."

"I meant no offense, by the way." Oh right. Salamanders are too damn nice for their own good.

"None taken, Mr. Astartes." We continued our careful march through some ruins.

Eventually, the veteran of the Astartes pointed in a direction. "There it is! Charge!" WHAT?! NO!

Dekaff had the exact opposite of my reaction. He rushed forward with the space marines, who were far quicker than him. They had their boltguns faced out, ready to destroy some ork face. They were charging towards a weak fortification that had plenty of ork insignias on it.

A single ork head appeared over the wall. "Wot?" it shouted. It's head exploded as a single Astartes fired the boltgun. Ooooh, that was such a satisfying sound. I loved the explosion of a boltgun.

Suddenly, a swarm of orks jumped over the wall, ready to fight. It was at this point when I realized I didn't have a tank helping me out. I raised Kharn and prepared to fire. "Waste 'em, Kharn."

He obliged. Beams came from him, and the orks started falling. I had pretty good accuracy at this point. I thought it was pretty good when I started, but now it's… A little improved? I dunno, I'm good at predicting orks' movements. They're really easy to predict, actually.

However, something happened that was unexpected. A rokkit came from the left, seemingly from nowhere, and it collided with one of the space marines. His entire left side practically disappeared. He fell over to the side, collapsing audibly. It was just a muscled mess on his side, unlike the… No, I'm going to forget about that. That is unhealthy to think about right now.

So, a space marine is down. That's fine, we have two more. One of the Disposables had a burst of blood come from their head, and fell to the ground. So, a guardsman is down. That's just great, we have four more. Have I mentioned I hate my life?

I kept pointing Kharn, letting him do the work. I was looking around the battle, trying to see something awesome. As it happened, there was something awesome. I saw an Astartes about to engage a massive ork. It had a large machete, which it hefted over its head.

It brought it down on the Astartes, and I heard the cutting sound from where I stood, and it stood out from the war cries. I saw. then, that the space marine had its arm hacked off. No, I kid you not. The whole thing, cleaved off in one go. The space marine collapsed, and I saw the ork lifting his mighty weapon back up, presumably to finish him.

That's when I saw Clarissa rushing at the ork, her powerfist raised over her head.


	9. Chapter 9

I didn't know what to do. Kharn was still shooting like a complete machine. I guess you could say he was… A machine gun. You have all rights to kill me for that pun, orks. Don't do that, though, because I casually enjoy life.

So Clarissa straight up decked this guy with the powerfist. I could hear bones breaking from the impact. I started pedaling towards her direction. I know that S6 can't do shit to T4. If Tyranid Warriors have ever taught me anything, it's that anything less than S8 is fucking stupid and worthless and you should never use it.

The ork fell towards his wound, and Clarissa reeled back her fist again. This was a good sign. Maybe I didn't have to help. Guardsmen can be competent every now and again.

This was proven wrong when the ork swung out from its position, and knocked Clarissa back. This was officially go time. I turned towards the sergeant, ready to destroy some ork face. I then got my chains hanging lower than before and started hustlin'. Do note there are no chains on me. That'd be heretical.

The ork was getting ready to swipe at the sergeant when it noticed me. Kharn was being held much like a spear by me, and I was charging, yelling like a mad fool. It turned towards me, ready for me to hit it with my best shot.

The sergeant turned and saw my charge. "Joker, no!" The ork looked wildly at her.

"Shaddap, ya git!" It smacked her with the flat of his machete, and she fell over. This is why you don't interrupt an honorable duel between a guardsman and a war boss. That said, I was a little upset that he'd hit the sergeant. I mean, I'm the true leader of this squad, right?

"WAAAGH!" I roared. The ork took it as a challenge as I got closer. Suddenly my foot touched something hard, and I looked down to see the space marine. Dude… I got the most epic idea in mind.

I jumped off the armored body, raising Kharn up, ready to strike the ork straight in the face.

"WAAA-" it stopped as I collided with it, blubbering a little. That was immensely satisfying to do. I could feel the force of the impact.

However, I missed. I didn't actually hit the guy's face. I did feel the blade sink within something meaty, though. There was resistance. I looked where I had hit, and it was actually in the ork's throat. Probably the jugular, if orks have necks like humans. That said, I was impressed. I planted my feet on the ork, pushing my weight on it. This would look totally bad ass.

It started to fall over. I looked directly at its face, which was still trying to roar. His arms started flailing about, trying to get at me. I pulled a tad bit back on Kharn, then shoved him right in there. I could tell it was getting deeper. The ork crashed onto the ground, and I can tell he was still fighting.

I pulled back once more, then plunged it back in. Still thrashing. Once more. Still. Once again. "Why. Won't. You. Die?!" I yelled at it, each word punctuated by a thrust. It was in the last word that the blade hit the ground beneath the ork. I had pierced through its neck.

It stopped as it lost control of its limbs, like it was losing air. Dude, this was actually pretty pathetic. I pulled Kharn out, which took far more effort than sticking him in, and looked around. Everyone, even the space marine, were in awe. It was just then it happened.

I had the best idea of all time. I looked towards the orks.

"Alroight, I'm da boss now! I'z is da biggest an da strongest!" Clarissa facepalmed and stayed on the ground. "You all listen ta me, ya runts! Now git back on da fort an wait for da humies to foight ag'in!"

One of the orks turned to me. "But… Uh, boss, we can krump 'um now?" I started stomping towards him. It was a pitiful display, but it would work for now.

"We'll krump em gud on our OWN turf! We'z gon hav the advantage, an they'll hav nowhere ta run! They'll foight harder, an better too! Now dat'z sum fun schtuff."

The ork nodded then said, "Oh, you'z is roight, boss. You'z is so cunnin', and with da way you krumped da ol' boss, you'z is real brutal too." Damn straight. Gork and Mork bless me, bitches.

Now, I won't lie when I say I was scared a large ork wandered over to me and said, right in my face, "But dere's a spesh muhreen. Dey foight better than tha other humies." His breath stank, and I was honestly a little jealous of some of those gold teeth.

"Space muhreen?! Oi, why didn' ya tell me! I'll krump 'im, then we'll go back!" I walked over to the space marine. I whispered to him, "Please fall over when I push you." The space marine said nothing. "WAAAGH!"

I slapped him armor with my hand, and the space marine dived off to the side, yelling in 'pain'. He didn't move after that. I turned to the orks. "Now, git back on da fort, 'less ya want me to kill ya roight an' proppa!" They did exactly as I asked.

The space marine picked himself up, and looked at the battlefield. "I… I am impressed, guardsman." Hey, it's the one I asked about their chapter master. Cool.

"Dat's Warboss Jokah to you, space muhreen!" A powerfist was grasping my shoulder.

"Joker, how? How do you do that?" I looked at the sergeant. She looked pretty beat up.

"Would you believe me if I said I came from another world?"

"A feral world?" Considering the United States of America?

"... Sure. Let's say that." Me: 4, America: 0.

* * *

So we got the injured marines out of there. Apparently, they weren't dead. They looked just about that to me, but anything is possible with Astartes, I guess. We took the chimera, and let me tell you, it was way more crowded in there with three massive superhumans. On the bright side, I made friends with a space marine. On the bad side, I think the sergeant is worrying about something. She's always got this look in her eye when she stares at me, and I honestly don't know why.

Things weren't interesting on the way. I kept getting compliments from the Astartes, which caused Dekaff to freak the fuck out. Like, being complimented by a space marine is apparently the highest possible thing to achieve. I honestly didn't care much. I did what I had to do, and I did it my way.

When we got back, the space marine hauled one of his buddies, while Dekaff, a Disposable, and several other unknown guardsmen helped with the other. They all collectively had nerdgasms. It was really disturbing. They were just space marines. Christ, haven't they lived in 40k their whole lives?

What I didn't like is how as soon as we got off, Clarissa said to me in a whisper, "Follow me." That was pretty weird. I decided I would play her game instead of helping Dekaff.

So when she gets out of the chimera and into the tunnels, which we'll call the base for now, she starts picking up the pace. Like, it is hard to keep up with her. After depositing our stuff, we quickly get to our barracks, and I quickly find myself in her office. "Sit down," she says, and I take a seat. Least the seat is comfy.

A silence reigned over the room for a while. She was going through paperwork, and would occasionally look up to see I was still there. One time, I waved at her and gave her my winning smile. She smiled for a moment, then went straight back to serious business. What was up with all this paperwork? Why'd she always have a mountain of it?

Eventually, she put a piece of paper down, then stared at me. I stared back. It was… Kinda awkward. "So uh…" I began, "You uh… Been in the guard for a while?"

I was answered with a silence. It was pretty short, though. "What do you think?"

"I figure you've been here for five years."

"Ten." Shit dude, she was OLD! Didn't look it, but ten years? That means she's like… I dunno, thirty?

"Oh. So you've got a lot of experience." She balled one of her hands into a fist.

"Joker, I've seen a lot of guardsmen. I've seen them come and go. But you? You should have been dead many times over. You seem to know a lot of things. You lied to an Astartes," she said, the mood suddenly extremely serious.

"Uh… In my defense, he probably would have killed me."

"No, he wouldn't have," she said. "You've done so many extraordinary things, and I know something is up with you. The way you laugh, the way you fight, the way you try to run." Oh shit.

"Hey, so, Dekaff asked me-"

"Dekaff didn't ask you anything, and if he did, that is not as important as my order. You are to stay here and answer my question: Why?" Game over, man, game over.

"Uh… Well… I just thought it'd be funny."

Silence came back. It stayed for a while.

"Joker, are you okay?"

"Huh, what?" I honestly did not expect that. I expected her to whip out a pistol and execute me.

"Are you. Okay?" I guess now's the time, boys. It's been a nice run.

"No, I'm not."

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, I think with some genuine concern in her voice.

"No, I don't." She reached into her desk, and pulled out the laspistol. As I said, game over. Fuck, Tzeentch, could have at least helped me. I suddenly felt like I shouldn't have blocked his texts. Why did I suddenly feel like that? That wasn't how I felt. I feel as though Tzeentch wanted to tell me things, but because I was a stubborn mortal, now I have to suffer the consequences.

"I order you to tell me about what's on your mind. You are perhaps one of the first of my men that I care about, and you are the first in five years."

"Alright, you wanna know? Lemme tell you about this place called Earth." I started describing my family. I described my friends, my experiences, my teachers, my life. After all that, I started describing my girlfriends and all the things I did wrong. I thought they were the ones that were in the wrong, but a long talk about my life revealed to me that I was a bit of a dick.

It felt good to talk about all these things. Just to get these off my chest, and remind myself of all the things I lost. I think somewhere in the middle I started crying. After I was done with my girlfriends, there was a much nicer air in the room. "Why did you come to Armageddon?" the sergeant asked me.

"I never did."

"What? You'd have-"

"No, I never did. I just woke up here. Suddenly, here I am, in the guard! Fighting for my life in a universe I know a lot about," I sadly stated. Shit dude, this really does suck.

"You… You lost me at… A universe you know a lot about? Are you implying you came from-"

"Yes, I am because I did. Where I come from, there's no such thing as an imperial guardsman, or a space marine, or an ork, or anything you see here."

Hello silence, my old friend. I've come to speak with you again.

"You are aware I could turn you into the Inquisition at this point, and could just execute you for insanity."

"Yes, I am quite aware. That's what you're going to do, isn't it?"

"... No. No, I won't do that to you, Joker. You saved me, so it's only fair I do the same for you."

My internal happiness was overloading. I wasn't going to die today! Mission accomplished, boys! "Even if you are insane," she added. Hey, it's not nice to call people names, bitch.


	10. Chapter 10

Man, things are going great. Word spread that I was praised by an Astartes. I got one of those seals, though I don't feel better for it. It's not exactly a blue ribbon.

Nevertheless, I shoved that seal on Kharn. He deserved it after all of his good work. He really was the MVP. I used to think the people who used the gun were the ones who deserved the star medals, but the guns do all the work. Several rifles deserve the Medal of Honor.

I really want to stress the fact that the Imperial Guard is actually pretty okay. I know I had a few moments were I said it sucked, but it was pretty decent. The moment that sucked the most was when I fought other people. And now that memory is no longer repressed. Fuck.

So the Imperial Guard is the worst. I couldn't imagine properly fighting heretics. They're people just like me. Maybe a little bit more… Special, but they're people.

Dude, what am I saying? I'm a heretic! I don't think I'm qualified to say 'oh, I don't want to fight heretics'. I'm like a turncoat, except instead of turning to chaos, I'm turning to the Imperium. I mean, they have some nice points. Food's alright, tentacles can't randomly rape you, and you have half the chance of dying because your superiors are mad.

Overall, this whole Imperial Guard thing is pretty appealing compared to the whole Chaos Renegade idea that I had originally. Huh. Truth be told, I don't think the renegades fight the orks as much, or have the possibility of fighting anything except us and the orks. But you know what they probably don't have? Good ol' reliable space marines. Yeah, suck it, chaos worshippers! You can't call me a chaos worshipper because I don't worship Tzeentch. In fact, I really don't worship anyone.

With that revelation out of the way, I was pretty confident in the guard. I had… Friends? Dekaff is pretty cool, if really awkward. Clarissa has been looking at me strange for the past few days, and I can't figure it out. Maybe it's because she thinks I'm insane or something. Yeah, that's it. The Disposables aren't even mentionable. I don't want to get attached to them.

I did have friends on the other side, though. Which reminds me! I took out my phone and unblocked Ya Boi. I think the god of fate learned his lesson. I texted him, "hey dude, why didnt you protect me?".

The immediate response was, "You never asked. Also, that wasn't a part of our little agreement. -T". Does everybody except Kharn have some weird quirk on this phone? Strange how gun and man have normal texts, and really connect well. 2nd Amendment, anyone?

Tzeentch did have a point. I left it at that. Consorting with him was bad enough, I didn't need to talk to him. "Yes you do. -T" popped up on the phone screen. Hey, fucker, get out of my head. It's mine, not yours.

I wish the day ended normally. Instead, I really couldn't sleep, or at least not well. It was around two hours after everyone hit the sack. I decided to get out of bed and start trying to do things that'll make me tired, but were still quiet. I took to walking with Kharn. He really was therapeutic. Kinda like one of those squeeze toys they give those people with anxiety. Instead of being made of rubber or plastic, it's some hard metal. Ah, the lovely feel of sweet, sweet metal.

While wandering the halls, something in me told me I needed to get geared up for combat. That was weird, but you know? The coat is pretty sweet, I won't lie. I went ahead with the feeling inside me.

When I had my stuff on, I felt the need to head outside. Now, I know what you're gonna say. 'Joker! Joker! No! Don't do it! It's a trap!' Well, Ackbar, I have some sad news. I do what I want, and I'm going with my gut on this one. Could always use some extra target practice.

While heading off to the outside world, I heard a voice in my head whisper, "Hey, buddy."

My first instinct was to say hi back. Then I realized, this was a DAAAAEEEMOOON! Or a Neverborn, if you're educated. If I talked back, I'd look fucking crazy. After all, I'm in public. So I held it off until I was outside.

"Yo dude, sorry for the wait."

"Nah, man, it's all good," it replied quietly. It's voice was like wine. Evil wine.

"So, what do you need?" I asked, curious.

"I can assume your soul is already gone." I nodded. "Figures." How the fuck did it know I nodded? "I'm in your head, I can feel that." Oh. Cool. "Well, I guess I'm quite fascinated with you," it said, creepily might I add.

"Me too. I'm pretty interesting." Ego was revered by chaos. Guess America is a chaos god at this point. Me: 5, America: 0. Why do I hate on the country I live… Lived in so much?

I felt it's presence get slightly stronger. "I'd like to occupy a piece of your armor." There are many things so wrong with this. I pulled up my personal stop sign.

"Nah."

"Aight. See ya, dude," and off it went. I couldn't feel it anymore, and I no longer felt the need to be out here. That said, I suddenly felt extremely tired. So much so I think I fell unconscious. Note to self: Stay in bed when being a foul heretic.

* * *

I awoke in my bed, and Clarissa was looking over me with a scornful look. "What's that for?" I asked.

"Reports say you fell asleep outside," she said, hands at her side.

"Yeah, I took a small trip to the soda machine, and I couldn't get a quarter back, so I slept next-"

"Joker, I mean outside." Damn, she's getting good at this whole 'shooting down Joker's bullshit' thing.

"Uh… You know, I wanted to remind myself of home." Is that a sick burn on America? Eh, we've already had one recently, so I'll let it slide.

Her silence was reassuring. She turned away and went back to her office. Christ, was she watching me the whole time? That's creepy. Speaking of creepy things, I don't like daemons touching my mind at all. I decided to text Tzeentch about it, but he just said it was part of a master plan. He did say I should treat the daemons like drugs. Just say no, gotcha papa Tzeentch.

Moving right along, I think I neglected to mention something about the Disposables. 3 managed to survive, and my, oh, my, have I forgotten to tell you about her. You see, now that I'm paying some attention to her, I'm seeing that she's at least an eight and a half. Using Clarissa as a comparison, she's got a cuter face, a nicer set, and some lovelier curves. Now, I'm not saying she was extraordinary, but she was definitely better than a lot of what I've seen.

That established, I worked my way over to her from where I was. She was currently lifting some weights. I decided to use my tough guy charm. "Hey, babe, those too heavy for you?"

I still don't think I deserve the bruise from that punch. "Shove off, you pissant." I also don't think I deserve the emotional bruise from that insult. That said, her voice is pretty sexy. Or maybe I've gotten used to a female who really doesn't sound like one long enough that I'll think anything remotely feminine is sexy. Either way, another good point about Ms. 3.

"Hey, I don't think I ever learned your name."

"You aren't getting it, Joker." Playing hard to get? Two can play at that game.

"Aw darn, and here I thought we'd work better as a squad if I just-"

"Jane." Is her first name Mary? Cause she's dope.

"Is your first name-"

"No." Welp. Can't even drop a pick up line.

"Well… You like anyone?"

"Not you." Shit dude, I feel like a witch with how much I'm getting burned.

"My confidence is now officially at point zero. Thanks."

"Great. Go find an ork to talk to, you do that well." Huh. I never considered that. "Oh! I know a great one to start with!"

"Which one would that be?" I asked with false curiosity.

"The sergeant." Ouch. Ooouch. I could feel that from here. I mean, I laughed my ass off, but ouch.

"Savage, dude."

"Just like you." I had just about enough of her shit. I decided that it was time to stop this. I made myself look as intimidating as possible.

"Hey, bitch, how 'bout you stop dissing everyone?" She looked at me and then laughed, holding her hand out, pointing slightly at me.

"What are you doing?" she said between laughs.

"Getting ready to show someone their place." I would not be deterred by her insults.

"What, above you?" I moved my hand back, and was ready to sock this whore right in the face. Hey, in the grim darkness of 41st millennium, there is no longer gender inequality. She was about to get beaten down, and there is no such thing as feminists anymore. She was a tough girl, probably, she could take it.

That was until she looked at the hand in fear, and moved her hands to protect herself from the blow instead of wrecking my shit like Clarissa would have. I hesitated, and pulled my fist down. She was still sorta sitting there, waiting for the blow. "So it's all bark," I commented.

Jane opened one of her eyes and looked at me for a moment before she dropped her hands. Then, she whipped one of them back, then punched me straight in the face. There was so much disrespect meant by that strike. I wouldn't take that.

So using the momentum of me getting my face sorta destroyed, I brought a fist right around and hooked her right in the shoulder. Before you say 'H-h-hey d-d-don't hit g-girls', the bitch hit me twice, and I'm pretty sure she left bruises. She meant business, so I will, too.

But you know what was weird? She immediately fell down, trying to cover herself. I didn't hit that hard, or so I thought. "Father!" she cried out.

Oh. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh no. Oh me. Oh my.

I fucked up. I immediately realized my mistake. I tried to rectify this mistake by getting down to try to help Jane. But I don't think I helped the situation. I might have just screwed all my chances, and I feel like I seriously hurt someone. This wasn't a major physical injury for this girl, but it was hella bad in the mental department.

Dude, I'm a terrible person.

Literally everyone in the room rushed to get me away from her. Understandable, I guess. I forget that the people of this universe are just that: people. The next thing I see is Clarissa rushing out of her office. And now everyone hates me. Christ, this is why I hate women. Okay, that was in poor taste. God damnit, why do I make jokes when I'm stressed? Probably cause I'm awful, ha ha- that's not funny.

I leave the barracks, taking Kharn with me. After that travesty, I really needed a moment to myself. She's never going to forgive me, is she? I suddenly got a text. I take out my phone, and I look at who it came from. Ya Boi. Papa Tzeentch. I decide that I better make these 5 years interesting because I've already fucked my chances of fun with the Imperial Guard.

"No. She'll never forgive you. -T" Wow! Like I didn't know that. "She will hate you, and spread rumors of you. The Joker they know will be shattered in exchange for this terrible monster. -T".

Thanks for the vote of confidence. Now I'll just go join the renegades. "Glad I could help! -T". Tzeentch, please stop trying to capitalize on my sadness. It's very chaotic evil of you.


	11. Chapter 11

The whole room was really cold, and it wasn't because the somebody turned down the thermostat. See what I did there? Ha… I'm really just looking for some way to have something to be happy or exciting or fun or to distract all the squad mates of mine so they stop giving me that damn look. Seriously guys, not cool.

Pissy teammates aside, all things have been going… Okay? I mean, if you count the alienation of all of your friends as okay, then it most certainly has been okay. On the bright side, the Disposables didn't want to talk to me. That's always good, right? Who wants to talk to those guys, anyways?

I suddenly got a text. My hand swept the phone out of my little pouch and I looked at it. It was from, you guessed it, Ya Boi. The one, the only, master of all change, lord of fate, and sexiest of all gods, Papa Tzeentch. I wondered just what he had in store for lil' ol' me.

"Mortal, I see you are in a dilemma. Perhaps I can arrange something. -T". You're damn right you can arrange something, buddy. But do I want the arrangement?

Screw it. "perhaps you can," I responded.

"Perhaps I can make these people forget. -T".

"right."

"All I need is your agreement, and this could happen. -T". Did he REALLY think I'd be that easy to play? Please, step up your game, bud.

"what do you want?"

"Well, for something like this, it wouldn't be too bad to add, perhaps… An extra year. After all, it's quite hard to go back in time! -T". Figures. Not like it's that bad. I could have easily lost a limb or something. Now that'd be terrible.

"make it so."

I could feel something changing. Everything around me suddenly had a different atmosphere. There seemed to be a shield around me, but it was not one of those stereotypical shields. It was most like a bubble shield, but… It was more like a veil of darkness. I could see my squadmates moving about outside the fog.

Once the shifting had ceased, the shield had faded. Clarissa was smiling at me, Dekaff was hitting the irons, the Disposables weren't giving me a dirty eye. This was all well and good. I smiled back at the sergeant. Things were… As expected, I guess. What I didn't expect was to hear something cackling.

* * *

So it's just like… That for things to get better. I wanted something more satisfying. I wanted to at least feel something. After that happened, I sort of felt empty. Dekaff talked to me, but I didn't feel like talking to him much. The Disposables actually tried talking to me, but Jane distracted me too much to get anything notable down. I was able to say hi, how was your day, oh that's cool, and that's about it.

If she dies maybe I'll feel better. I wouldn't have to work myself up over it, and here in the Imperial Guard, we don't worry about the past, right? I felt as though I could talk to anyone but my squad at this point. I know I could, but that feels… Wrong. Something was off about me, or maybe it was them, I don't know nor do I particularly care.

Did I abuse time? I am such a bad servant of chaos. I actually feel bad for promoting my own goals above others. Now everything is back to a boring schedule, except I can talk to two less people and the people I do talk to, I know they can just despise me. Admittedly, I don't think I smile as much. Is that a problem?

It's been a couple of months in the guard, and I've already done two deals with Tzeentch, destroyed everything and then 'fixed' it, killed a man, and have been thought of as legitimately insane. I'm well on my way to being a chaos renegade. Perhaps… Perhaps it's time.

Wait, what the fuck? No, no that's not a good option. Disregard what I said. Thought. Whatever. I am a guardsman. I have friends. I have a decent rate of survival, at least compared to the poor sods around me. I believe I have Tzeentch's blessing, so I'm well off.

I decided to go up to Clarissa as she was about to enjoy her office duties. Enjoy is a loose term here. "Hey, you about to do something?"

"Just about, why?"

"No reason. Have fun." Well that was easy. Had to get that interaction in there!

As I spun around, a hand spun me back to the sergeant. "Joker, you okay?"

"I am more than okay, I'm fantastic."

She smiled and unhanded me. What a brute. She wandered back into the wonderful office, and I went off do my things. This included the occasional telling Dekaff to stop nannying me about exercising, I'm reading quality comedy. The Primer, I mean. Yeah, I kept that. I'm not a nerd…

Then my day was ruined by the sergeant coming out of the office and demanding us to get in line. Since I didn't feel like being difficult and this seemed relatively serious, I did just that. I stood on the end next to Dekaff. I'd be damned before I stood next to Ja- Disposable 3.

"Since the higher ups believe this squad able to be deployed, we'll be transferring into the 312nd regiment and will be moving off planet."

Wait, I get to leave? I get… To leave!? Awesome! I don't get to fight orks or deal with chaos anymore! That regiment is probably off holding a line that'll never be attacked. Best day ever. What if there's a beach? Man, I'm totally chilling at the beach. Kharn and I are going to have the best vacation/guard duty of all time.

"Additionally, we'll be receiving five more members to our squad," she said. "I expect you all to make friendly with them." Easy enough. "I'm looking at you, Joker."

"Hey, I am the most friendly guy here! I've got like… 2 Friends!" More than I did on MySpace. Thanks, Tom.

"Yes, and I've got around 50, all in high and low places." I sat myself down. I couldn't top that.

Transferring was pretty easy. We walked for a couple of hours, and I got to see a whole bunch of beautiful things, like collapsing buildings, Leman Russes moving, and dust. It was pretty sweet, I guess. Then, we finally arrived at this location with a few buildings and a few guardsmen out and about.

Or I thought it was a few. When I rounded around the corner, I saw a massive gathering of guardsmen. There were, at the very least, a thousand guardsmen moving around, some in formation, some not. Sometimes, I forget about the scale of 40k.

And that's when I saw a huge ship. Oh my gods damn. That thing was GIGANTIC. The Titanic ain't got NOTHING on it! If you've ever seen a picture of an Imperial ship, it looks like one of those. You know, slanted-ish head thing at the front, fins at the end, large cannonish thing on the head, lots of rivets and shiny bits and stuff. Simply put, it was amazing. Do you know how pure awe feels? Cause I do.

I also know how somebody pushing me feels like.I looked behind me and saw a very impatient looking Disposable 4. "Keep moving," he said.

"Hey, I'm admiring the view." He leaned a little bit and saw what I was looking at.

"The sergeant doesn't look that good. Unless you're into a woman without assets."

"That wasn't what I was looking at, but okay?" Disposable 4 is a dick. I can't wait till he bites it.

"Are you actually into her? Dekaff told me a little bit about what's been going on."

"Dude, no," I whispered. I really, really didn't want to tell this guy, and I REALLY didn't want Clare to overhear me saying nah. I know how sensitive chicks are to this stuff.

"Harsh," he commented idly. I went back to the whole GIANT SHIP thing. I decided to keep walking while looking at it so I don't get pushed and forced into an awkward conversation. I'm still impressed by the whole imperial ship thing.

Now, this walk didn't last forever. It ended when Clarissa turned around and stopped the march. She then waved towards 5 dudes that were sitting around. "Since we're joining a legitimate regiment, we'll be upgraded to the standard squad size, and these five will be joining us." As she said that, the five looked confused for a second, then stood at attention very calmly.

Except for this one guy that stood a little too straight and fell over on to his face. "Smooth," I called out loud.

The dude straight up pushed himself up, and stared at me. "Do you want to get punched, kid?" I don't like him.

"Nah, dude, I'm all good."

"Then maybe you shouldn't be a sarcastic prick." He's got fire, I'll admit. Thing is… I do, too.

"Oh sorry, I thought you could… Stand a little bit of sarcasm." I saw him stare at me intensely. "I won't lie." His eye visibly twitched. "I know you would fall for the bait."

"What's your name, punny?" My time to shine has come!

"It's Joker, actually." Boom, baby! That's one of the reasons I named myself Joker, totally wasn't out of fear and stress!

"Are you fucking kidding me?" That's a first. I haven't heard somebody say the f-word on this planet.

"Are you from this planet?" I asked, out of the blue.

"If I told you I came from Terra but not, would you believe me?" Tzeentch and I would have some words about this man. However, I haven't got to let him on.

"No! There is no world like Holy Terra!" I screamed, sounding like a robot.

The guy grabbed me and pulled me aside, smiling and waving at the sergeant. "... Hey dude, do you know the commander?" He asked out of the blue. To be honest, I wasn't sure who commanded us. I just thought the paperwork ruled all. That's at least what Clarissa led us on to believe.

"No?"

"Commander… Boreale?" Oh. Oh my god.

"Noh," I stated.

"How long you been here?" Jesus, was I supposed to keep track?

"I think a couple of months?"

"You a heretic?" This is a trap question. Among us who know better, it's safe to answer yes, but the moment he knows, if I upset him, that info is coming out.

"No, I'm not."

"Be honest, a Chaos god sent you here." Check and mate. I guess we're both in the same boat.

"What's your name?"

"They've just been calling me Shooter, so I guess you can call me that."

"No, no, your actual name."

"Mike." No last name. Peculiar.

"Mike, you and I are best friends from here on out. If you need someone to talk to, talk to me. If the sergeant asks you questions, answer like a good Imperial and tell me what she's been asking you. She currently thinks I'm crazy, so if others start saying the things I have, she's going to report everything to the Inquisition and have us burned at the stake."

"They don't actually do that, right?"

"Dude, I don't know. They probably do because of the grim darkness of the 41st millenium."

And that's how I met my best friend.

* * *

So we went onto the huge vessel in a large mass, and it honestly felt so cool. As soon as everyone was aboard, a voice came over the comms and I was shocked at how manly the voice was. Imagine a captain with a pipe and large white mustache.

"Welcome aboard the Purge of Absolution, guardsmen. I, Jonathon, will be this ship's captain for the duration you'll be aboard. We will depart in one day. The Imperial Navy welcomes you and wishes you a safe trip and a good war."

You wanna know the coolest part about everything? We had our own room! I mean, there were only three beds, but we had our very own room! I called beds first because I was honestly done with the day. Everyone was fine with it, and I'm thankful for that.

The first thing that happened when I started dreaming was me being thrown into Tzeentch's throne room. Him and I had a specific topic to discuss in a civil manner, and it started with M and ended in Ike.


	12. Chapter 12

"I suppose you wish to discuss something," the god of change idly said.

"You know damn well what I want to 'discuss'."

"Well, it'll take a while, but it can happen. Maybe after a year, when there are less things, she'll be comfortable." What? "Oh, did you not want to converse about that?"

"No! I wanted-"

"Yes, you'll live for the next 5 years. My personal guarantee!"

"Oh good. I was worried- wait a minute, you can't just focus on every little thought I have!"

"Oh but I can. It's just so fun," he said so slyly. He then started giggling. He suddenly stopped, his face becoming stone. "Fine. Mike. That's what you want to talk about, yes?" I nodded. "I can read your thoughts, you don't need to nod."

"It's a human mannerism."

"It's a weird mannerism," he said while his entire hand started contorting in a completely unnatural way. Now that was a weird mannerism. "And it stands for rude. Now, Mike… I'll be honest… What was your name now... Joker? Right, Joker. I'll be honest, Joker, I do dabble a bit in multiverse theorem, despite my expertise being the adjusting of dice." I don't get it. "If you had some hair upon your neck, you would." I still don't get it.

"So… I'm not the only American?"

"Oh, no, you probably are. Mike is just from a different universe. I like exploring them and taking back souvenirs. Thing is, they get lost." I started thinking. "Some of them find their way back to me."

"Did you just call me a souvenir?" I was not gonna take that kind of disrespect, even if it's from a giant bird thing god.

"Yes, you will take that disrespect from the raven god." Raven. Whatever. "It's very specific, you uneducated mortal swine."

That was it. I would not be called a swine by a giant 'raven' god. I am a man, and I fear no god! "Except Nurgle." Ew. He was just so disgusting. "Look, point is, Mike is here because of me. Now, is that all you wanted?"

"I mean, yeah, but you'll pay for that disrespect." Suddenly, his giant hand reached down towards me, and I could see the skin adjusting from blue treebark into scales, then into feathers, then some other thing I wasn't sure about.

"Sure. Now…" He picked me up by my shirt, very much like picking up a puppy by its scruff. "Ta ta. Shoo." He threw me out of the palace. I could see the everchanging warp, an insane mesh of blue and purple, smashing hues into some colors my human eyes were never meant to behold. A few flying manta ray things were soaring by, and I could see some blue, spiky spirals that shifted every few seconds. I was falling through this warp. It was a gentle sensation that almost felt right, but so off.

And fuck, did it make my ass itch something FIERCE.

* * *

I awoke in a cold sweat. Sweet, glad to see I can still do that. I peered around and saw the small room with only two guardsmen inside it. I freaked out internally, but then realized that, yes, this is where I fell asleep. One of the guardsmen looked at me in surprise.

"That was quick," I heard Mike say.

"Screw you, too, buddy," I replied, half dreamily. Ah, friendship at its finest. Even though I just met this guy. Or did I? Honestly, dude, I think the trip to the warp really addled with my brain.

"The ship's just getting ready to go."

"'Kay."

"And the sergeant's off doing… Paperwork, I thought she said? Paperwork in the room over there." He pointed at the wall.

"That's a wall."

"You know what I mean, jokester."

"Joker."

"Joke, gotcha."

"I hate you."

"I know." That exchange over and done with, I decided to hop on over to Clarisse's makeshift office. Well, I say hop over, but I more or less walked and knocked on the door.

"What do you want?" I heard a very hostile female voice say. She was quite clearly stressed. It was time to use my suave charm to soothe her tension.

"A chit for chat," I answered, my voice more cheery than normal.

There was a pause. Suddenly, the door opened, and a very bedraggled Clarisse was made visible. Her half shaved head still looked expertly covered by stressed looking hair. "Woah, okay, you must-"

She then proceeded to pull me into a hug, then dragged me into the room. "Wow, okay, I'm not okay with being dragged around like a street-side-"

"Joker, I just want to vent, can you let me do that?" She occasionally asked this to me on days where she really needed to yell. Sometimes, she slammed her fist into the wall right next to my head. When that happens, I am glad she missed and that she didn't have her power fist on. Otherwise, my head would be fisted, and not in the… Good… Way? Is there any way that can be good? Slaanesh, please stop.

"Sure." Now, normally, I'd just forget about these, but this one was memorable. For one, she opened with a hug. Next, she politely sat down, and put her head in her hands.

"I keep getting all these papers to do this, and do that. I'm just a sergeant, not some commander or commissar! I've seen other sergeants in the platoon, they don't get nearly as much paperwork to deal with. I just can't deal with all this. It's too much," she practically mumbled as she sniffled a little bit. That was new. Usually, she just shouts angrily and scares me. "There's troop placements, there's objectives, there's provisions, provinces, maps, check ups, evaluations, reviews, reports, and all sorts of papers that are just useless to me."

That's when I saw a single drop of water fall onto her desk. That was super new. She was a relatively strong woman, I'll admit, but I don't think I've ever seen her cry. My mind was flooded with ideas of what to do, and I wasn't sure at first. I decided to get up from my spot. "Oh yeah, go ahead and leave. I understand. You wouldn't want to listen to a weak, sniveling-"

I got her in a surprise hug. If I were an ork, she'd be dead. "Hey, you don't know that. Plus, I don't see anything weak around here." She looked up, her face with a surprised expression. "Also, I really wanted to see what you'd do if I did this to you." She pushed me away. I guess I messed up again.

Then she hugged me back with a smile on her face. "You're the worst guardsman I've ever worked with." Ouch. "You're also the first that's ever really cared about me. Not just my physical wellbeing, but me." Well, I wouldn't say that. I think I ran out of cares early on. "It… It feels nice."

"I imagine a hug always does." Unless it's from something significantly larger and stronger than you. She just smiled and hugged for a little while longer. Then she sort of pulled away and stared at me.

"I feel like something else is supposed to happen here."

"Nothing you'd agree to," I replied. I really don't think a moment like this could turn into me getting laid. Like, I think I just got friendzoned. You don't get hugged unless you're a friend.

There was a pause before she said, "I'm open to suggestions."

I pulled away and started back pedaling towards the door. "Welp, will you look at the time! Good night, Clare." I pushed the button for the door to open.

"But we're in the void!" I walked into the hallway.

"Good morning!" I shouted as I closed the door. "Christ, that was weird," I muttered to no one in particular.

* * *

Things were proceeding as per usual. The void was boring, the warp was dull, and the various incidents involving daemons were funny. There was one that get caught in the middle of a wall, so that was hilarious. Nobody else thought so, but maybe they aren't all filthy heretics.

I asked Mike more about himself, and I found out he was not an American swine. He was Canadian, which surprised me. I wasn't even sure if they had a population. He was telling me stories of that Donald Trump guy running for president and stuff. How'd he even know about American politics? But last I checked, Mitt Romney and Obama were still debating against each other. Personally, I didn't much care. The country is already ruined, and we're just trying to delay the inevitable.

What do I care, anyways? I'm on a giant ship! I am a guardsman in a different universe. A grimdark universe in the 41st millennium, to be exact. I find this millennium to be quite devoid of useless politics. The strongest, best, and oldest lead, which is a relatively okay system. Meritocracy, I believe it was called. Competency over popularity. Always nice, but that usually means none except the actually useful are happy. Case and point: Me.

These politic talks are a drag. Mike seems to be incredibly political, which is weird. You know, if I had to give my two cents on a two-party system, it'd be that-

There was an extremely loud siren sounding throughout the ship. "All deck hands at positions, ork cruisers approaching." Oh. Oh laud, noh.

Wait, ork cruisers are literally ramshackle hulks stuck together by gum. I think we'll be fine, if the imperial navy is any better than the imperial guard. I know they're called the Astra something or whatever, but I don't give a shit at the moment. Enemies are in the vicinity.

So what exactly are orks liable to do? Launch boarding crews? Use pirate hooks? Be saturday cartoon villains? Wait, Abaddon already fills that roll.

Now began the point where I waited. I just sat up against the wall. It was pretty chill besides the siren. As it happens, Clare bursted into the room, her power fist on her hand. "Joker, this way!" Oh, that's me.

"Okay, boss," I said. I then followed her into her makeshift office. "So… Wassup?"

"Joker, now is not the time to be joking around." Something in her head clicked. She looked at me in utter shock. "Emperor, why. Why have I not caught that before."

"Because you obviously don't pay attention to me." Her shock turned into more shock and she approached, her face quite close.

"I do pay attention to you." I am not quite comfortable with the sergeant being this close to me with a power fist. She has a tendency to punch things, and I am the most accessible punching bag around.

"You've convinced me," I said in an attempt to get her away from me. "Hey, so the ship is probably gonna be under fire in a little while."

"I know."

"So we should probably take cover."

"You seem lucky enough, maybe I can use you." Oh. That's a bit… Morbid? She noticed my slight cringe. "Oh, I'm sorry, my uh… Humor isn't exactly up to par."

"Nah, it was fine."

"No, I can tell you didn't like it."

"Nah, just… Try again?" Here's hoping she can improve.

"Um… What do you call a flashlight on a boltgun?" I already know. It's a lasgun.

"I dunno, how 'bout you tell me?"

"A lasgun." I acted like I tried to stifle some laughter. "Ha! Gotcha. See, I can do that whole… Joke thing, too."

"So it's not exclusive to me anymore? Guess that means I'm just another guardsman now." She then got even closer, her face full of concern.

"No, Joker, I didn't-"

The whole room shook. Things fell over. Clare and I both tumbled onto the ground. There was a loud, metallic scraping sound that sounded like two metal plates grinding eachother down to dust. Well, I don't know how that sounds, but I figure it'd be like that. God, it hurt my ears.

Suddenly I hear over the comms, "Alert! Ship has been boarded! All crew to battle stations in sector C4." That was our sector.


	13. Chapter 13

Oh my gods, I just realized the joke. There was an explosion in C4. I began laughing out loud, right in Clare's face. She looked at me strangely.

"Why are you laughing?"

"C4! Explosions!" That was all I could muster. You know, I have this terrible tendency to laugh when I'm stressed. I haven't noticed it before, but now it became as apparent as an explosion. Ha, get it? That was a joke, too! I laughed even harder.

"What?!" Clare shouted. To be honest, I can see where she's coming from. There's this crazy guy laughing on top of her and… Wow, okay, I realize now that's horrific to a stereotypical white girl. I quickly slid off her, still laughing my ass off.

She got up quickly, rushing over to a metal cabinet, which she ripped open. It had her flak armor and powerfist, as well as a few laspistols. Wasn't aware the guys in charge could afford to give spares to people.

When she nearly had it all on, I was done laughing. I realized something. "Oh, I should probably get my gear on."

"No time, just grab your gun and find the breach."

"Where's that?"

"The place where people are screaming." Oh, thanks. That helps a lot.

I run into my room, and quickly find Kharn. He was right where I left him. I grabbed onto him, and observed something strange. "Kharn, why is the knife meshed into your barrel?" Powers of chaos, man.

I got a little buzz in my pocket, so I whipped out the phone. "bitches dig big knives."

"What bitches?"

"the machine spirit isnt just male, you know." Kharn is an even bigger player than me. I'm proud.

I hauled ass and Kharn out of the room, and ran down the hallway. Not sure where I was going, but maybe I would eventually get somewhere.

It was about 5 minutes after I started running I heard screaming. Clare was right! "Thanks, babe," I said to no one in particular. I slowed my pace and advanced towards the sound. I am in no hurry to die.

I reached a decently sized room a few minutes later. There were dozens of men in flak jackets fighting against orks. Pretty normal stuff. At least, I thought that until I saw an ork with an eyepatch, a parrot looking thing, a giant cutlass, and a giant tricorn hat.

We were fighting pirate orks. Holy hell. I looked around and saw an ork circling with Clarissa.

I charged at it, and Kharn decided to steal my thunder by shooting and killing it with a few lasers. Since these were pirate orks, I found the perfect line. "The only one allowed to plunder that booty is me!"

"Did he just call me… A beauty?" she idly said. There was no time to tell her I didn't so I instead jumped at the nearest ork.

"Avast, ye squig-lovin' git!" It turned its ugly mug at me.

"You wot, mate?"

"You 'eard me!"

"You wanna 'ave go?!" it shouted at me. I'll be honest, I enjoyed talking with orks. It was a special bonding experience. Before they died, they'd see something they never did before; a humie who was a right and proppa orky git.

"Yeh, ya runt!" Also, it was fun to talk this way. Every time I talked with an ork, I felt a little bit… I dunno, tougher every time I did it. Maybe I'm part ork. Maybe the ork believes I'm an ork, so I am! Nah, that'd be stupid. Only Matt Ward would write fluff like "orks believe it is, so it is". I never read much on them, anyways, so I honestly don't know.

Anyways, ork charging at me. Right. Forgot about that. Huh.

That was my last thought before I was blasted back. I started getting up. "Now ya made me mad. Ya teef'll be enuff to pay for dat!"

"Oh yeh? Let's see ya try, humie!" He crashed his weapon on the ground next to me, so I shoved Kharn's business end into the ork. He hollered and doubled back before looking at me with true glee. "I love a good fight!"

"Me too," I replied. I still don't much enjoy putting my life on the line. The ork drew back, and my body tensed in anticipation. I held Kharn to the side to block the attack.

Thing is, I'm weaker than an ork. The attack collapsed my block and sent me off to the side by a few inches. Correcting my mistake, I instead decided to take another stab at the ork.

The blade went in easily enough. The ork shouted at me, but I don't figure it was in pain. Orks don't feel much pain, I figure. They might be yelling in joy, actually. Some crazy masochistic mushrooms, I swear.

Now. Back to the matter at hand. Ork fist in face OH FU- Its balled hand impacted my face. Not nice. I probably got a broken nose. Did a hell of a job to push me back.

I should stop thinking when I'm fighting. I'm unfocused, and could easily die. I reared back and held Kharn like a spear. The ork narrowly missed another hit, clanging against the metal floor.

I then remembered I had a gun. I held Kharn like a gun and he did the honors of blasting this bastard down. As his skin was evaporating (I mean it, steam and everything), he whined out, "Dat'z not fair." Made me feel kinda bad, but I am man, so cheating is perfectly fine so long as it's not with a mate.

What was left of my opponent slumped onto the ground in a black green mess. I saw things were going pretty good for us except for that pirate ork. Maybe that was the captain.

I decided to approach him alone. "Oi, whaddaya doin' on my ship!?"

The ork's eyes peered my direction, and one of his eyebrows, or hairless equivalent, raised. He straight up finished the guy he was fighting before with a strong slash. A spray of blood flew my way and the dude fell down. That's going to be me. Fuck.

"You da kaptin of dis vessil?" I put my hands on my side.

"Kaptin Joka, at yer service."

"Boss Kaptin Swagloota, and I'm 'ere to loot, plunder, pilfer, and kill all yer boyz." Ignoring the fact he's an actual pirate, he has swag in his name. Even in this universe I can't escape it!

"I fink ya should bugger off, ya daft git!" Rolling intimidation and initiative…

"Why doncha make me, Joka?" Looks like diplomacy's broken down.

"I will, ya runt! You'll learn ta fear Kaptin Joka, da biggest an baddest humie in da universe!" Do orks say universe? I don't think so…

In any case, the kaptin laughed. He giggled as he approached, and I got a good view of how tall he was. This was perhaps the largest ork I've ever seen. I figure about nine or ten feet.

He lifted up his cutlass, and I could see the end in sight. He was done lifting it. I am probably going to die. He started bringing it down. Shit, I still have a few more years to go!

I backed away and slashed at his exposed arm. "I see ya ain't just talk, humie."

"I've been fightin' and winnin' since I was born."

"Guess we got sumfing in common."

"Aye." What would my parents think of this? If they weren't disappointed already, they'd be really let down that I stopped pursuing being some rich jack ass to put my life on the line for bitches with job security.

Oh yeah. My parents. Never been on good terms with 'em, have I? Maybe that's why I haven't thought much about them.

I jumped back from a strike, and exchanged another slash, cutting the ork again.

You know, I never had much of a chance with chicks. I was kinda awkward like all the time. At the party, I was probably really loosened up, and so was that blondey. To think that'd be the last thing I'd see.

Once again, I jumped back, and jabbed again, this time stepping forward. To think the last thing I'd see is that blonde bitch. I pulled Kharn out, and thrusted him back in. Now I remember. I never got her number. She made fun of me. She was completely sober. I didn't have a chance in hell.

I tugged Kharn out of the sack of meat, and Swagloota responded by slashing sideways. I hopped back, then went straight back into it.

Called me a nerd. I poked the ork. Called me a geek. I jabbed the ork. Called me a fag. I stabbed the ork. Called me an idiot. Kharn got stuck in the ork.

And what's worse? She immediately said she was kidding after every insult. I ripped Kharn out of the ork. She meant everything.

"Lots of spirit in ya! I like it!" But an ork would means everything it says. Orks were nicer than the last thing I ever saw and what brought me up on earth. That speaks leaps and bounds.

I fell back as his cutlass caught my leg. I didn't even notice he swung that thing. And you know, I wasn't going anywhere in that world. So far, what I have is so much nicer than everything America ever had to offer, and I'm currently dying! Me: Whatever the hell, America: Nadda, zip, zero.

"But now, playtime's ova. I got me a ship ta loot."

"You is a good zoggin' fighta, Swagloota." Oh god, am I gonna have a gay warrior moment with a damn ork?

"Yer right, I am." Thank god. "But ya ain't so bad yerself." Screw you, Tzeentch. He brought that wretched cutlass up, my blood still evident on it. Oh, I know it's mine. A man knows what's his blood and what isn't, and that most certainly is B type blood.

Just when I accepted my fate, I heard a huge crack, like that of bone. I looked at the ork, and saw the sergeant punching the fuck out of him. I thought powerfists were unwieldy, not ungodly punching machines with I10. Guess she's secretly Papa Smurf.

I sat my head back and kept hearing the crashes. I get a searing sensation in my leg. I don't know why, but when I'm fighting orks, I don't feel as much pain, or it's late. Pain, if you're late one more time, we're gonna have to lay you off. The company can't afford your absence.

Damn, my leg. The sensation began creeping to the rest of my body. My side started hurting, and my face… Jesus, my face. It's like it was run over by a train. What even happened to it?

Suddenly, I felt myself accosted by something. I looked up and saw Clare. "Are you my guardian angel?"

"I'm your sergeant."

"Darn. I hoped you were more."

"Joker, why do you fight the biggest ork all the time?"

"It worked so well last time. I just rolled crappy."

"Why do you keep trying to kill yourself?"

"That's not exactly the goal. Geez, what's up with your emotions? That time of the mon-" I stopped myself as I saw some tears in her eyes. Apparently my face was numb because I couldn't feel her embrace.

"Damn it, Joker, this isn't the time for jokes." I just came up with the most beautiful joke for this moment.

"Much like a bad joke, I look like a beaten dead horse." I have zero self control.

"Do you even hear yourself right now?" I really want to respond, but I know it'd make things worse. Then again, I love seeing what'd happen.

"Nah, my good ear sorta got hit by a fist. Could you speak up?"

She didn't speak up, but instead gripped me closer. My only weakness, no response and complete tolerance. I decided not to ruin her little moment because doing anything sorta hurt.

"Ow." She suddenly let me go and nearly let me drop to the floor.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know I was hurting you!"

"I didn't either until about 5 seconds ago. I'm kinda numb right now. I should've grabbed my armor."

"I'm sorry, I should've-"

"If shoulds and woulds were dids and dones, the world would be a better place." My brain probably stopped working a moment ago. I'm gonna have to thank Tzeentch for letting me live.

Speaking of which, the sergeant lifted me over her shoulder and started hauling my still bleeding self off to a medical room.

Let's see if the janitors can get B type out of metal carpets.


	14. Chapter 14

Ah, sweet sweet recovery period. I got better than average food, despite the rep hospital food gets, and surgery was quick and painless. You wouldn't imagine so, but servitors, those half machine, half man things, know their craft well. They're freaky, but I've seen worse on the side of chaos.

Anyways, once I was done being bed ridden, the time I wasn't guarding the sergeant (that's what the papers call it, anyways) I spent exploring the ship. It is gigantic! It's like exploring a multi level New York, just even more depressing and less traffic.

I tried looking around for Mike, but he wasn't anywhere. I decided to ask the sergeant, and she said he was too injured for combat and left it at. Hope he gets well soon.

So one day in particular, I was strolling through the ship when suddenly I got a little buzz in my pocket. I made sure nobody was around and flipped out my phone, ready to respond with my sluggish texting fingers.

"She needs you. -T"

Who? The Daemonette? I've really tried distancing myself from her. When I made the deal, I was probably really horny. This Daemonette is far more of a curse than a boon.

She occasionally texted me at terrible times. I seriously want her gone. A text appeared on the screen. "I could arrange something. -T".

What exactly did you have in mind?

"The daemonette can go fight some grey knights if you… Give me another year. -T" I've already given him several at this point. Why not?

"It is done. -T"

Thank god that little problem was solved before it became an issue. And thank you too, Tzeentchy-poo. You do yourself some good every time you help me.

Then another text popped up. "That's not the her I was talking about. -T". Then who the hell were you referring to? I may have just made a daemon suffer for no reason. Wow, I am a dick. "She can't feel pain. -T" Oh thank goodness, I'm not a royal dick, just a big one. "But I was talking about your sergeant. -T"

I was wondering how he could tell how she was feeling if she never even talked with him, nor probably knew of his existence, but regardless, I put the phone away and maneuvered myself down to Clare's room. On my way, some random dude stopped me and said the sergeant needed to talk with me. I said I know, then he began talking with me.

"It seems like the sergeant and you have a ton of problems."

"What makes you say that?"

"Every time you go in her room, she just yells, and I occasionally hear a slam on the wall." How I could play that off… Nah, I'm a 'devout' follower of the schemer, not the schweener.

"Yeah, she kinda hates me."

"I feel sorry for you." Ah, glorious unneeded and unwanted pity.

"Dude, try being me for like, one second. It's impossible."

"Yeah, I can guess why. You charged that big ork alone." Oh, he saw that. "I think you even talked with it." Oh, he heard that.

"I have a tendency to do that."

"How do you even do half the things you do?"

"Well I uh… I just… Do me?" Wait, who even is this guy? "What's your name?"

"I'm Alex." There was a silence. There was no way I'd know him as anything other than Disposable #8, or whatever I deem his number. "So… What's the sergeant like?"

"What do you mean?" I don't know exactly what he's asking.

"You know. Is she always pissed or…"

"Dude, yes. All the damn time." I love spreading false rumors. "But there's a good reason behind it. You know how most sergeants work with the troops?"

"That's how it's been for me, yeah."

"Right, so she has MOUNDS of paperwork. Like, so much damn paperwork every day that she has to get done by the next day."

He had nothing to say to that, so we continued our walk in silence. Man, imperials are just as awkward as me.

He split off into the room, and I went into Clare's office. The first thing I noticed was a smiling sergeant. That was odd, but okay. The next thing I saw was an empty desk. That was also fishy, but she sometimes gets her work done and puts it on- the stool next to her desk was empty.

"Nope." I wheeled myself around, ready to leave this clear plot made by Tzeentch alone.

"I figured out why I had so much paperwork."

"That's great, dear." I started to walk away.

"Joker, I order you to get in this room." I stopped walking away, turned myself around, and entered the room. I know what happens to guardsmen that disobey orders. They either become renegades, get abducted by a Slaaneshi lord, are subjected to literally billions of drugs, the least of which being some grade A cocaine, then raped endlessly as they attempt to go back to the imperium due to mistreatment, or they get shot by a commissar. To be honest, both of those seem rather unappealing at the moment.

"I'm in the room. Am I allowed to ask what you've done with the sergeant I know?"

"Permission denied. As it happens, most of the paperwork I've been getting has actually been for the other sergeants." A silence followed that statement.

"Are you kidding me?" I asked. She shook her head. "The imperium's middle name is incompetency. Next thing you're gonna tell me is that we aren't supposed to be a 'distraction' squad!"

"Oh no, we're still that." Oh thank the high heavens for that. "But I will tell you that we'll be at our destination in a few days."

"Ooh, nice." I've been wanting to get away from the whole warp travel thing we've had going on. Nothing too exciting has happened, besides one or two jittery insane guys that I've seen and frankly ran away from.

"We'll be on a rather peaceful world, not much to do. Feudal world, actually." Oh shit, boys, we're going to Europe.

"Cool." There was a silence following my statement, and I felt really unsafe in a room with a happy and paperwork-free Clarissa. She got up from her seat, moving slowly over to me.

"You know, I don't have a lot to do anymore."

"You could train with the troops," I snapped.

"I could do that. Or…" She was still moving closer to me, but I think she was speeding up. I decided to circle around slowly, intending to put her back in her seat. I would then run out of the room and find the nearest adult to protect me. "I could spend some quality time with the troops."

"That's what training is."

"I've been thinking about what you said a few weeks ago." I don't remember anything but Swagloota from that time. What could I have said? "I'm still open to suggestions."

"I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking ab-Ow," I commented as I tripped over her chair. That was not part of the plan.

"Joker, I want to talk to you. Is there any reason you don't want to talk to me?" Huh.

"Well if you said that to begin with, I probably would have just sat myself down instead of doing all of this." She started to help me up from my predicament.

"What did you think I wanted to do?" With how creepy she was a moment ago...

"Dude, I don't know." She gave me the stare most women give men as she set up the chair that attempted to stop my escape. "Look, you scare me a little."

"That's good. I'm your sergeant, that's what I should be doing." That is surprisingly not good.

"I guess," I muttered as I sat down in the chair across her desk. "So you wanted to talk."

"Without anything to sign or read in front of me, yes."

So we just talked. She legitimately listened to whatever I had to say. I asked about Leman Russes, and she seemed to always have the answer about them. I guess being a sergeant requires knowing about all parts of the military. Still, I asked her about several infantry parts of the Imperial Guard, and she had difficulties answering.

All in all, it was okay chat. She never punched anything, except me when I made a snarky remark. I still think it's unfair to be treated like this, but nobody gives one in the grim darkness of the 41st millenium.

* * *

Have I ever told you about warp travel? It is the worst goddamn thing in existence. I was running away from a chaos fury, yeah one of those damn things, and good god I really wanted Kharn by my side. But unfortunately, my paste decided to turn into a fucking DAEMON. Or Neverborn, if you're not an uneducated swine. Does it really matter when you're about twenty feet away from one?

Let me tell you, I hate this daemon. It looks disgusting, it doesn't have a deity, and it's the weakest of all daemons. Except maybe Nurglings, but those are hella cute. I look back, and see the multitude of eyes peering right at me as it clasps all edges of the corridor, sometimes charging upside down or on the side of the corridor. As you can tell, not okay.

So Tzeentch, as I am describing to you, I seriously need some help here. I looked back at the corridor, and I recognized where I was heading. This was leading to a dead end with an elevator that lead to the squad room. Oh no. I kept running, and the end was in sight. I'm beginning to see why they call it a dead end.

I stopped, and turned to the daemon, saying "Can we put this on hold for a minute?" Here's hoping my natural charisma can stop a raging daemon.

To my utter surprise, it stopped running. "Yeah, I seriously need to pause this chase. Like, you might be enjoying this, and you may enjoy my screaming and all, but this elevator's kinda slow."

Then its mouth opened, and closed several times, and I heard words IN MY HEAD. "Okay, mortal. I'll allow you this moment of respite. But I am going on this… 'Elevator' with you. Then the chase is on."

"Thanks, bro. Hey, am I allowed a ten second head start?"

"I see no reason why not."

"Thanks so much, brother."

"I identify as she." Oh my lord, I can't escape them even in this universe. Then again, I should become really tolerant of this sorta thing since, you know, Slaanesh.

"Thanks, babe."

"It's my pleasure, mortal." Eugh. I hate the sound of psychic words. It's like garbled English, but not, but also little thoughts, but really big and evident. It's weird and I don't like it.

So that was when I stood in an elevator with a chaos fury. Surprisingly, not the most awkward elevator ride.

"So… How's Abaddon doing?"

"He's gathering up his followers for the 14th Black Crusade."

"I think he's going to fail again."

"You are probably right. The gods are fickle with him, gifting him immensely for his failures."

"Yeah, I never got that, either."

"It's quite strange that he's even trying, or even manages to get followers anymore."

"Ah well, who can blame the dude? When you got talent, you're 'sposed to use it."

"Yes, that is correct." And so a silence dragged. "How are you actually okay with this, mortal?"

"Okay with what?"

"Being so close to one such as I, and knowing I will kill you in a few moments."

"I've lost all cares in the world already, and I react weirdly when I'm stressed. Also, I'm not exactly foreign to the Ruinous Powers."

"So you've fought one such as I before?"

"Oh no, I'm a complete heretic. I know the ins and outs of the big four, Malal, daemon princes pretending their gods, your deity-less state, the fact you prefer to be called Neverborn, stuff like that."

"Oh. Well then why am I trying to kill you, and why are you not trying to kill the humans here? Or at least corrupt a few."

"Because? I'm just one guy. Besides, they've got good food." No, they didn't.

"You mortals are strange." The elevator stopped as we were finally at the correct floor. "Your ten seconds begins now." Fuck. I liked that chat. Brought me up to date on the latest chaos gossip.

"See ya, babe! Gimme a call sometime!" I shouted as I ran down the halls. I knew the room was nearby. I passed by a crewman, and spewed out a sorry as I sprinted past him. I then heard a few screams and cracks from behind me. That guy gave me enough time to fumble with the door.

I always wondered why it took people so long to open doors when being chased. It's a strange phenomenon and I'm experiencing it right now. Fucking doors and being complicated. I just have to put my hand on a button, but it's impossible because of my blood pressure being so DAMN HIGH ADRENALINE PLEASE. I can hear it clattering down the halls.

I finally got the button, and got inside, closing the door. It stopped right outside the door. I decided to shout in a sing song tune, "Just a moment, dear! Have to get ready for the big moment!"

When I was done being a 50's wife, I scooted myself over to the cabinet where my things were stored. I strapped on the flak armor, placed my helmet on my head, and grabbed Kharn. I then positioned several pillows in a fort like manner, knowing it probably wouldn't do shit, but I had extra time. I then waited.

The daemon figured out how doors worked eventually, and opened it. "Hi, dearie! Home from work? I've got some toast, you motherfucker." Kharn unloaded on the daemon, and it was having a hard time with how much laser action it was getting. You don't come into my bedroom not expecting to get some hot action.

It's chest practically evaporated, and it sank into some purple void, which then disappeared as soon as the daemon was through it. I lifted my helmet and saw my beautiful work. No daemon and an open door. I am the man. The Grey Knights should hire me.


	15. Chapter 15

Oh glorious ground, how I have missed you so. I think I got a little spacesick on the way here. This is the kind of ground I am used to, as well. Not the dusty, desolate, barren, dry ground of whatever planet I was on before, but on the great ground that reminded me of the American outdoors. Beautiful. There were pine trees below, or what looked like pine trees, and everything looked fantastic.

I was currently in a smaller ship, called a gun cutter, and boy, was it swell coming down to this sight. I was marvelling at the planet while literally everyone else was disinterested at best. I was quite happy, smiling inside my little gask mask. Why do we have these on this planet, anyways?

When the gun cutter landed, and the door opened, I bursted out of the craft, looking at the wilderness around us. Some tents were set up, and a few guardsmen were playing cards or chilling. There were even some vehicles here and there. What I was impressed by was the GREEN. No one would understand. The only green thing I've seen for the past few months has been my food paste.

Everyone noticed how much I was enjoying the ground, and a few even muttered insults. I didn't give one about them. I spent my time walking through the forest near the camp, noticing that, yes, these were in fact pine trees. There were even tiny alien insects on them and on the ground. There was a small yellow one that I knew for a fact would be poisonous. Trust me on this one.

Eventually, after a few more gun cutters touched down and dropped troops off, a few guardsmen called for me. I went over to them and found Dekaff, my boy, walking with me. "Hey man, how's it been hanging?"

"It's been… An experience. First time I've ever been on a void ship."

"Yeah, they're pretty cool, I guess."

"You seem… Happy?"

"Duuuude! Look at these trees!" He stared at them while walking.

"I don't get it."

"TREES!" How could he not understand the greatness of them?! The glorious oxygen-producing life forms who stand tall and are green!

"I still don't get it. First time I've ever seen them."

"You poor soul. These things are the ancestors of civilization."

"They used to construct tools and weapons?" What? Is Dekaff stupid or imperial? I honestly couldn't tell at this point.

"No, they were used to construct tools and weapons, dude."

"Huh. Well we don't have a use for them anymore, I suppose." Fuck, he's right. Did I mention there are trees?

My rapture at the trees came to an end as I made my way into a tent that had Clare and the rest of the squad inside it. "Finally. Moving on-"

"Wow, thanks," I replied. The room was silent for several seconds as I sat myself down.

"Moving on to briefing. We'll be positioned near the city 'New Georsey'." Are you for real. "We'll probably be in contact with the feudal citizens there, so keep yourself friendly. Some advice from the guard who have already been here, they'll refer to you in their native language as 'cos-players'." You're for real, aren't you? "Whatever you do, keep contact to a minimum. It's specifically required by our mission details that we try not to interact with them in any way. I have no idea why, but do try to keep to that requirement." She stared directly at me.

"What?" She stopped as everyone else stared at me, then back to her.

"Finally, we've been warned of the hazards prevalent on this planet. If you don't like giant, eight legged bugs crawling at you, try not to be too uneasy." Tzeentch, I love you just as much as I completely despise you. "There are also kroot native to this planet. In case you see any, you know what to do." No, I don't. I missed that part of training. What the hell is a kroot? "Briefing over, we're heading out."

We went out, back into the camp and then out into the woods. I still couldn't get over the trees. I would occasionally sift through the pines on the branches, just to make sure they were real and genuine. They most certainly were. I must be acting like a total hippie, but I could care less at the moment.

I was having fun, and then suddenly the sergeant told everyone to go in a direction and came over to me specifically. Oh boy, I was about to be court martialled. My favorite. As she opened her mouth, I began with, "Yes, what do you want?"

She closed her mouth, gave me a look, then said, "Everyone's looking at you."

I looked around, and it was true. "I know."

"Why exactly are you doing that?"

"It reminds me of home, I guess."

"Right. Home." She looked at the trees. "I don't get it."

"Dude, that's what the other guy said!"

"If you could refrain from calling me 'dude' in front of the troops, that'd be great, Joker." Am I detecting sass? Oh, it is on, woman.

"The word dude is a sign of respect in my culture."

"It also means 'male'. As you can tell," she motioned with her hands up and down, pointing at herself, "I'm not a male." With how flat she was, I was inclined to disagree.

"I'm sorry, I'm partially blind. I can't see your point past your sass."

Once again, she gave me a look. "We're in front of the troops. If you keep up this behavior, I will discipline you accordingly," she said, a moment of joviality not present throughout that entire speech. I'm beginning to think she's being serious right now.

"Oh please do. It's more exciting than walking in a straight line to our destination."

"Are you requesting discipline?"

"Do you wanna fight?"

She paused for a moment, as if thinking. Suddenly, it seemed like she had the perfect response. I could tell, since she was rather... Physical with her inner thought processes. Whenever she got an idea, her entire face lit up, and whenever she was contemplating something, her entire face steeled up and she often covers her chin up with a fist or two. Really, it's kinda adorable, but she has a powerfist, and pressing my luck isn't in the interests of me keeping my life.

"Do you wanna die?" Correct response. We're making progress. Wahoo.

"Nah, mate, I'm good." So she looked forward, as if thinking of another response. I think I stumped her this time.

She gave up and sighed. "Just try to keep yourself in check out here, okay? I'm being serious. If I have to-"

"Give me an Imperial Fisting? Yeah, I imagine that'd suck." She looked at me with an eyebrow raised. Then she looked down at her powerfist, opening and closing it several times. Then she giggled a little bit.

"Oh. Imperial fist. I get it." It's also a Space Marine chapter, the best one to be exact. But you're not that informed, now are you, you filthy peasant? Get up to date on your 40k knowledge, nerd.

On a serious note, it wasn't often I got her to laugh. She either tried really hard not to, or she has some super PTSD, which I wouldn't doubt. Getting to be a sergeant doesn't come without plenty of death around you, probably. I don't actually know that much about the Imperial Guard, so I'll have to ask her about that later. Or maybe I could postpone that chat for never. Yeah, that's a good date.

* * *

We got to our little camp, which was just a small walk away from a relatively active city. There were highways and stuff, which was interesting to see. It reminded me a ton of home, and that… That was nice. Glad I could have Kharn and all the niceties of my former life.

Most of my watch time was spent looking at the city from the little hill we were established on. Seeing cars buzz by was interesting. Apparently, Feudal Worlds aren't exactly feudal. I think they were supposed to be unadvanced, but apparently the 'modern' age I was in before was primitive compared to the Imperium.

Or perhaps these guys advanced and they were on the border of the Imperium, with little attention from the guys in charge? That seemed likely too. Honestly, it was just nice to see these things. The cars looked relatively old-fashioned, regardless, more like cars from the 1930s. Guess they're not up to date, but they'll call us cosplayers anyways.

One watch night, I was out doing my thing, namely using a local bush as a makeshift urinal. Hey, I'm a human and I have needs. But while I'm pissing, I hear the sound of a bird literally forty or so feet away from me. Now, normally, this wouldn't freak me out (That's totally the truth), but this sounded like a mutant bird.

I stopped quickly and immediately put my tool away, grabbing Kharn instinctively. I ain't getting caught with my pants down, no sirree. Oh, did you know the Imperial Guard actually thought of this stuff ahead of time and made easy access to the junk? Like, you can easily put it away and whip it out whenever you need it. Very casual, very comfy. But enough about these great pants, it was time for me to focus.

I looked around, peering into the dark forest around me. I dropped into a crouch, and began making my way around the bush, no need to beat it. When it no longer obscured my sight, I saw a great sight: Nothing. See, this is the part where I'm supposed to go like, "Huh. Just a box," then wander away, and get sniped by a mutated eagle.

But that's not the way this story goes, oh no, we're going into this damn forest and we're eating roasted alien turkey. May not be alien Thanksgiving, but I deserve something other than paste, damn it. I aimed Kharn deeper into the forest. I walked forward a few more steps, before hearing something scrape a tree behind me.

I swung around, but it was a little too late. Something smacked my damn face, which was perfect before a thing attacked it. Fucking space eagles. When I was done being knocked back and having a blackened vision, I was able to see a really emaciated child in front of me. "Dude, why?!"

My vision cleared a little bit more, and I saw the child had some feathers on its arms. It also had a beakface. That beakface had some quills sticking out of it. This wasn't a child. This was the exact opposite of a child. This was a damn ALIEN. HOLY SHIT AN ALIEN. Somebody, get the X-Files, I'm about to be famous.

It was most certainly skinny, skinnier than me even, and it had minimal clothing on. It had a belt on, a loincloth, and a shoulder pad. Not two shoulder pads, just one. Can't even get a proper pauldron. Without two of those, this kid'll never get anywhere in the grim darkness of the 41st millenium.

I freaked out a little, jumping back at the sight of it. "You are not kroot!" it shouted, its voice guttural, and full of bird squawks. It was… It was a voice, alright.

"No, I'm not? Are you…" I realized it. "That's what a kroot is."

"No, I am not 'That's what a kroot is'. I am Astok, the great kroot hunter!" Holy shit, it is a child. I retract that former statement. I looked at Kharn, and decided he probably wasn't needed. I lowered him, not really willing to kill a child in cold blood. Even if it was an alien.

"Nice to meet you Astok. My name's Joker, the grand human soldier." It looked way less prepared for that kind of answer. "You look surprised there, bud."

"I was not told a human would introduce itself."

"Well clearly you've been told wrong. See, I'm kinda friendly." It grabbed at something on the back of its belt, and pulled out a damn knife.

"I have to fight you. Then consume you to grow stronger!" I got my natural charisma ready.

"Astok, you don't actually have to do that."

"Yes I do."

"No you don't."

"YES I DO!" It was clearly angry.

"Who told you to?"

"The shapers!"

"And who told you humans wouldn't introduce themselves?"

"The sha-" It paused for a moment. "The shapers did."

"So what if they were actually wrong about something?" It lowered the knife.

"They couldn't. They told me to bring back a dead human, and pointed me in this direction. And here's a human so-"

"I easily could have killed you. Any human could have."

"But they wouldn't send me to my death!" It raised the knife. Culture shock, you are a bitch. "Out of anybody there, the shapers wouldn't do it!"

I saw my opportunity to avoid child slaughter. "Out of anybody there? Are you not liked?"

"No? But the shapers-"

"They wanted you gone, I think."

"What?"

"Yeah, dude, they did." It lowered the knife again. Children, I swear. Can never make up their mind on what they want to believe. Just like Americans. Me: Everything, America:Nothing.

"But they couldn't… Could they?" I got a little closer, very slowly of course.

"Yes, Astok. What did you do to make them mad?"

"I always talk about the metal birds I see, and how I want to see how they work. I always talk about what they're like, and nobody wants to hear it." Ah. An engineer. I don't see why they wouldn't like an engineer like it.

"They can't be it." I dropped onto a knee next to it. It was looking at the ground, its eyes narrowed.

"Well… I also steal from the bigger kroots. They always have such great crafts and I could never make anything." Ah. A thief and an engineer. Dude, just make the kroot NASA program with stolen parts. It'll go over well, trust me.

"I'm sure you just have to search harder for what you can make." I thought for a moment. "You know the metal birds?" It looked at me then nodded. "I came here on one." His jaw dropped. It was disgusting and weird. "And I think you'd be surprised how they work."

"How do they?" Straight to the point. I like it.

"Well, I'd love to tell you, but I think I have to go now. It's been nice, Astok, and-" It grabbed me by my shoulder, and held a knife to my face. Right, alien.

"Tell me about the birds." It was super intense. It REALLY wanted to be an engineer.

"Alright fine, just get that out of my face." It moved the knife away, but still kept the grip. "So the metal birds don't fly by themselves. They're really huge, and are guided by humans, like me." Its grip loosened.

"If a human could do it, could a kroot?"

"You have hands, and eyes. I believe any kroot could if they truly wanted to." It let go and seemed to be lost in thought. "So uh… Am I allowed to go now?"

"Yes! But be here tomorrow."

"I can't. I'm not on-" It stared at me with an incredible glare. I wasn't sure if it was mad or happy. "Sure. I can do that." It started squealing, and bouncing around, then climbed up a tree incredibly quickly. It then disappeared into the forest.

The kroot are weird.


	16. Chapter 16

I got my plan all figured out. Oh yes, nobody would be able to stop me. I am virtually unstoppable. I headed out of the tent in the dead of night, ready to go through with every step of my plan. Nothing would get in my way.

"Hey, what're you doing?" somebody shouted. It was the guardsman on watch.

"Taking a piss, dude."

"Oh okay." He turned around. Virtually. Unstoppable.

So aside from sounding like a completely evil maniac, my plan was going well. In fact, it was all but complete. Now the last part was not to die due to a kroot child. Or maybe it's an adult, but they're so backwards in thinking they're like children. Honestly, I don't know, and the less I interact with them, the higher my percentages of survival. I like those to be pretty high, but not too much.

I wandered into the forest like a lost little child, ready for the nearest predator to assault and brutally murder me. Well, except for the fact I had Kharn at the ready. He was the only adult I needed. I kept walking deeper into it, before something fell from the trees and DIDN'T scare the everloving shit out of me. Don't believe I ever get scared. I am man, I am fearless.

I pointed my gun at it, until I realized it was the little kroot thing. I then made Kharn face the ground, and gave a little wave with my hand. "Hey, bud! How's it hanging?" It's better to be a cheery fuck when this thing could probably decimate you in an instant. I don't know shit about aliens, so this thing could easily be as strong or stronger than a space marine. That'd be weird if they were, though.

He looked up for a while, then back down. "There is nothing hanging." It's going to be a long night.

"When I ask 'how is it hanging', it means 'how are you doing'."

"Doing what?"

"When I ask 'how is it hanging', I mean 'how is your mood'."

"Oh! My mood is good. I tried telling the others what you told me, but they wouldn't listen at all."

"Huh. I guess nobody's interested."

"I am! Tell me more about the metal birds."

"Okay, little dude. Let me tell you all about them…" I said, as if there was a fade out and this was a TV show or something. The kid leaned in, and I just kept him waiting.

"When will you tell me?"

"Right after this commercial break."

"When's that over?"

"There are no ends to the commercial breaks." Not since corporations took over America. Yeah, you might think I'm crazy, but look at Holy Terra! You think the Emperor is in charge, but no! It is secretly the government. "So the metal birds are called 'Space Ships', and they travel through space."

"I've… Never heard of this space before."

"Well it's in between words when you type." Ha ha! Classic comedy. I saw the poor kid had no idea as to what I was referring to. "Space is called the Void."

"... Still never heard of it." My god. The natives are even more backwards than I previously thought. I wonder if they have an El Dorado…

"Right, so you see the sky?" I pointed up, and he looked up.

"Yes."

"There is something above that. It is vast and mostly empty, hence why it's called the void or space. Now, the space ships fly through that to other planets, just like this one." Well, not just like this one. This one is apparently rather tame. You know, besides the indigenous kroot which I still don't understand all the fuss about. This was one pretty alright.

"Woah. That seems like quite the strength to possess." Weird choice of words, there, my xenos friend.

"It is. It is very much so a strength. Some space ships can carry hundreds of thousands of beings." He looked down at me in awe.

"You cannot be serious."

"I am quite serious. And that's not all…" He moved in real close. Uncomfortably so. Aliens are weird. "They have giant weapons that could turn this entire forest into a crater." Remember when I said he was in awe? His jaw now dropped. Once again, disgusting. It looked like his beak still had… Food on it? Ew?

"That's amazing! Can you get me on one?"

"Ha, no. Mine left a long time ago." Literally a couple of days ago. It seemed to deflate. "Hey, man, don't get so down about it."

"I am not man, I am kroot."

"Whatever, bro."

"I am not related to you and I am not male." Oh. Oh shit, that never came into my mind. Shit, what if I were caught with this underage girl? Not only would the sergeant throw a fit because it's a xenos, but she'd demand the government to put up 'neighborhood watch' signs out! This is the worst.

Though it's interesting how the underage kroot females have no breasts. Like, this chick is half naked, and there are no nips anywhere. Fuck, now that I know it's female, I'm just checking it out! I stop that pedophilic curiosity and focus on the task at hand. "So you aren't."

"Yep."

"Definitely."

"Your face changed color. Is that normal?" Oh my god, I was blushing. End my existence, Ms. Bird Xenos.

"Yes."

"Oh. I noticed it every now and again and was wondering. Humans are strange." Oh, we are? Take a look at yourself, sweetie.

"I guess we are. So I'm probably needed back at camp because I've been gone a little while now."

"Can I come?"

"No. You aren't allowed. You aren't real people."

"Awww…" it whined. She whined. That's weird, man. So I turned around, and the bird thing child said, "Bye, Joker!"

"Goodbye, Astok." And thus, we went our separate ways. I hope so, anyways. If this thing was tracking me and watching me while I was sleeping, I'd be incredibly uncomfortable upon learning about that.

* * *

So I got back to the tent to find that guy on watch talking to the sergeant. Clare was looking at me with a rather frustrated look. I looked at the dude. "You're a fucking snitch."

"Sorry, Joker. You were gone for a long time."

"I'll forgive you later."

The sergeant broke in, "And I won't forgive you at all. Joker, outside." Things were quiet because dudes were sleeping and we had some decency. So I followed Clare outside, and she wandered into the forest.

When we were a decent ways away from the camp, she turned around and actually punched me in the face. Now, that thing is pretty perfect, and it has experience with getting hit, so it can maintain its perfection even under stress. However, this time was different. It stung not just my physical being, but my mental being, too. Mostly my ego.

"Why the hell did you wander off into the woods on your own?!"

"Dude, I don't know. I wanted to take a piss."

"No guy pisses that long!"

"Have you ever HAD a dick?"

"No, but I think-"

"Then you don't have an idea, missy. That stuff is complicated."

"It shouldn't be, given-"

"You're acting like you've had one. Okay, look, if you are a tranny, I'll have to call this whole thing off and go back to Armageddon." She just gave me a look.

"Joker, I've never had-"

"Then you would never understand the struggles of a man in the woods! Case closed, let's go to bed." I was kinda tired, but my phone often kept me up. Late night talks with Kharn were my #1 priority before going to bed.

"Joker, you could have died." I pointed at myself. "Even with your kind of luck, I'm sure you would have rushed head first at any xeno you wouldn't know a single thing about. It's what you always do." Oh ho ho! Jokes on you, I know a lot about the Orks! Or rather, the Orkz. Ha, now dat'z da way ya spell it.

"When has that NOT worked out?"

"The ork captain? The heretics?"

"Hey, don't mention those guys. They were a bad memory."

"And forget about how you got your leg blown to bits?! How you were bleeding on the ground and I helped get you out?" And now my leg hurts. Thanks, bitch, PTSD incoming.

"Look here-"

"And I don't think you've even thanked me once for that!" As a soldier, it was your duty. Then again, if I were just any- "If you were just any other guardsman, I would have left you there and not risked myself, but you were you, Joker!"

"Yeah, I tend to be me."

"Shut up," she quickly said. It was unnatural how quickly she responded. "You hardly care for yourself, and you've made up this elaborate story of how you came from an older Terra, but I just thought it was another joke. I think you're legitimately insane!" Ding ding ding! We have a winner.

"I kinda am at this point."

"What did I just tell you? Shut up and let me complain." I decided to shut up. "And now, you're disappearing in the middle of the night, probably howling at the moon like the mad man you are!"

"Okay, you're overreacting a little bit."

"I'm reacting normally, Joker!" Is it that time of the month? Oh god, I think it is. "Now I think there's only one thing that'll make me feel better and give me some sort of hope for you." I decided to stay silent. "This is the part where-"

"Oh. Gee, what's that, bud?"

"I want you to give me a hug." Well shit, that was easy enough.

"If you wanted one, you really should have just-"

"I love yelling at you, now hug me." She forcibly grabbed me in a death hold, and I could feel the air from my body leave. It was very strong, and I was not that okay with it. But I'd manage.

"Hey Clare," I wheezed out.

"Yes, Joker?" she all too sweetly said.

"Thanks for the whole rescuing me thing. It was pretty cool."

"That hardly sounds sincere."

"Nothing will when you crush my lungs." She finally let go. "Thanks for the whole rescuing me thing. It was," I tried to make myself look like the Fonz doing his thumbs up, "pretty cool."

She just shook her head. "Let's get back to the camp."

"Not the gulag!" I yelled.

"What?"

"Inside joke." Kharn gets me, right bud?

* * *

Things have been rather tame at the camp. That was until I was on watch again. Oh boy, did I not expect Astok to fall from the trees in front of me while I was patrolling. "Oh shit!" I yelled in total not surprise at the not scary sight of a dark object falling in front of me in the middle of the night. What I'm trying to say is it didn't scare me.

Astok looked up at me, saying, "Hi!"

"Holy hell, dude, you scared the fuck out of me."

"I did not see anything leave you."

"Ah," I said in mental anguish.

"Besides, if you think I'm scary, you should see my mother." Damn son, your mom's so scary, her daughter runs from her every night to a potential xenopedophile!

"Who's she?"

"Her name's Korak, but that's not important. She left this planet a little while ago on the metal bird and just left me here. Something like feeling how she felt." Oh. Now that's horrific. "She wore a really strange hat, too. Kinda pale for a kroot, too, but because she is family, I do not judge!"

"What about your dad?"

"I don't know who my father is." I guess ghetto families are universal.

"Well uh… Topic of the day: Why are you here?!" I loudly said. I tried not to yell in order to avoid waking up the babies. Babies with guns, but babies nevertheless. And in Clare's case, babe.

"I followed you back and wanted to talk to you more. You are far more social than the other kroot."

"Woah, could never have guessed." Seriously, she's the outcast of their town. You know that kid that sits off alone and freaks the everloving fuck out when you touch them? Yeah, that'd be her in their society, or at least an equivalent.

"Then you must not be very good at thinking." Insult me one more time, and we'll see just how creative I can get with thinking. Ugh, that sounds so wrong with a little girl.

"I'm… Really not. Huh." When I stop taking things as an insult, they suddenly apply so realistically. "But why are you here?!"

"I told you. You must not have a good memory either." Clearly, I should bow before kroot master race is what she is implying.

"I have a great memory!"

"What was the first thing I did to you?"

"You smacked me in the face!"

"Oh. I doubted you." I waited.

"Any apology?"

"What is an apology?"  
I don't know how much longer I can take this damn alien.


	17. Chapter 17

I seriously didn't want to deal with this kid. Firstly, she wasn't meant to be around here. Second, she's an alien and weird. Third, it's a kid. I've never been that great with children. That point stands when I said, "Astok, go home. Like, now."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes."

"Okay…" She turned around, but her head turned towards me the moment I was sure she'd start walked away. "Are you sure you don't wanna hear a story about my mom?"

"Yes."

"Not even the rogue trader one?" I don't even know what a rogue trader is.

"Very."

"How about the one about the…" She was in deep thought. "Dark Eldar?" I'm sorry, what?

"I'm sorry, what?" Astok turned halfway to me. If I didn't know better, I'd say she had quite the sly face.

"The Dark Eldar. My mom had a run in with them."

Okay, maybe just one story. "Go on…"

She turned back to me, her eyes full of wonder. "So my mom, Korak, she was with the rogue traders, and they found this thing called a keystone or whatever." Man, you are gonna be a great story teller if you say 'or whatever' when describing something really important. "It sent things into the webway when you touched it, or something like that. I dunno, she was really flaky when telling me about this one." My god, a miniature webway portal. I want one!

"The thing is, it only activated by the touch of an Eldar, which was weird, because she said a human with her managed to activate it. When I asked about him, she just told me to call him Mary something. I dunno, that doesn't seem like a male name to me." What the hell would she know about human names? Still, pretty spot on. "But the point stands that it activated. They were kidnapped by the dark eldar, and taken to an arena, or something, where they fought and stuff. My mom really loved it, but her human companions hated it for some reason. Being a place built for fighting, it must have been great!"

So I'm just assuming all Kroot really like combat. That's weird and orky. Now she's going to tell me they only wanted to get stronger. "So one of the… He… Hemon… Whatevers comes over and steals her away from the humans, who did nothing. She didn't remember a lot of what he did, and when she got to the part, she just sorta stared at the ground. I tried asking her stuff, but she was just silent for a whole minute or two." Oh. I have a vague idea of what she was talking about. See, I know the slightest bit about the Dark Eldar, and they enjoy torture and torment and stuff. She has a fucked up mother.

"Then she went on to tell me how she had to wear a mask for a little while, then took it off when she could grab a hat. Anyways, they got up to the guy in charge, who had Mary whatever's sexual partner hostage, and so Mary touched the keystone thing, and they warped back into space. Apparently, everyone except my mom died in the vacuum of… Well, I don't remember. Well, then she found out later Mary whatever was still alive, but now there were two of them and that was really confusing." What the shit? Why couldn't I have those kind of stories? And don't you say 'You're a guardsman', Tzeentch. I don't need your sass.

"So I'm assuming your mom is pretty tough?"

"I wouldn't know too much. She just sorta came her, had me, then told me about her life. I think she cried a little bit during some parts of it. Then she said she wanted me to be just like her to feel her pain." I guess a run in with Dark Eldar will warp your perspective rather intensely. You know, I kinda understand why she would just leave her daughter. She probably had some important shit to do. That said…

"Hey… When I'm about ready to leave this planet, why don't we get on one of those metal birds and find your mom?" Astok practically beamed, if her beak was capable of it. I was kinda just reading eyes.

"That'd be amazing!"

"Well then that's what's gonna happen, Astok." She was pretty damn happy, and I could tell. She was bounding around, making a little bird noise. "However, I'm not gonna do that if you keep popping over her. I can't risk-"

"Hey, Joker, who're you talking to?" I heard a voice yell. Tzeentch, you almost had my respect, and then you do this shit.

"Run! Go!" Astok took the advice and bolted outta here. She was pretty fast, all things considered. I would not want to participate in a race with a kroot.

The dude came over and just saw me staring into the forest. "Joker? You okay?"

"Dude, it gets lonely on these night walks."

"You got me."

"Yeah, but like, we need to cover more ground. So… I just sorta… Talk. It's what I do." Please buy it.

"Huh. You know, Joker, that makes sense." Like it was on sale.

"You think?"

"Yeah! You're one of the most sociable guards I've found. Pretty good thing, too. Why, I've been in the force for a good… nine years now? Seen my share of orks." Damn, nine years of living? Guardsmen don't live that long.

"So I guess you're a veteran?"

"If you wanna call it that. See, I've been looking at all the recruits and rooks, and they are just so damn quiet. Obey orders, yes, but they don't have any input. Don't say anything snarky. I remember, back in my day-" Warning sirens were going off in my head.

"Woah, old timer, I don't need a 'back in my day' speech."

"Course you don't, but I think everyone else could use one." We sorta stood in silence, looking into the forest. I looked over to him, and he examined Kharn. "Hey, that's not normal. Why do you got a bayonet on?"

"Never know when something could jump you." That was bullshit. Complete bullshit. It's cause bitches dig big knives.

"I guess that's true." He looked back to the forest. Good thing he didn't see the knife was melded into Kharn. "You know, I've seen about twenty worlds in my time," he commented idly. He looked more at this guy. He had a nice, black mustache. "None of them have had trees. It's a weird feeling, seeing them for the first time."

"Dude, I know right!?"

"I… Don't get it." Third god damn time! "But that doesn't mean I can't agree." We then stood in silence, holding our weapons and gazing into the forest.

"So… What's your name?"

"Robert Lee. You can just call me Rob or Lee." Please make this man a general, and not just because he's a guardsman that's lived for nine years.

"You seen anything really weird in your time?"

"Oh, you don't know the half of it. Let me tell you about some of the worst monstrosities seen by humanity…"

So this guy went on to talk about some tyranids, orks, space marines, and heretics. He particularly talked bad about those last ones. I'm surprised he lived after fighting tyranids. Apparently, this huge worm thing tried to eat his face, but instead it ate his knife.

Then it came to my attention… This guy is in the same regiment as Clare. Does that mean… Holy fuck, Clare fought nids and lived. Mad respect to her, I guess. I'll have to ask about it. Lee and I spent the night walking together, smack talking orks and sharing some juicy gossip. Fun fact: He thinks the corpse god is alive. Little does he know, the Emps is kinda crippled, dead, and eating souls at the same time.

* * *

I wasn't aware this was going to be the longest day of my life. It all began with Clare waking me up in the middle of the morning, asking how I was far too nicely to be the person I know. When I was up, she asked if there was something I wanted to do on this planet. "Uh… I dunno? Take a walk through the woods? What else is there to do?" Oh, if only I knew that was just the start.

I looked around the tent and saw we were the only ones in there. "Then let's go take a walk." Clare then helped me up, a little roughly for the morning. We got out of the tent and saw the guardsmen doing their things. She went up to Dekaff and said, "Joker and I are going on a reconnaissance mission. If there are any problems, vox me." Dekaff looked pretty surprised. When I passed by him, I mouthed 'Help me,' and he just winked. I thought I taught him how to be a bro, not a traitor.

So the sergeant and I wandered out into the woods. It was all going fine, silent and nice, then she opened her mouth and said, "So what's your… Favorite type of weapon?" There was quite a bit of awkwardness in her tone. I decided to not match that, and instead get my confidence levels through the damn roof.

"I've always been a meltagun type of guy, but you can't say the boltgun isn't a thing of beauty in and of itself." Heh, I probably seemed like the kinda guy who knew everything about weapons.

"Oh. I kinda like the… Um… Plasma Blastgun." Oh. Real creative there, GW. Let me guess, it's a Plasma Gun, but it has Blast! Lemme tell you about the Plasma Cannon over here.

"What's that? I've never heard of that one."

"It's just a part of the Stormblade. Pretty good tank, I think…" She was really nervous for some odd reason. I couldn't wrap my head around why.

"Stormblade? I've never heard of that."

"It's based off the Baneblade, if you've ever heard of that, and-"

"Who hasn't? Honestly, dude." I prepared my best Diomedes impression. "It is the Baneblade!" A silence followed.

"I feel like there was a joke there I'm not aware of."

"Oh very much so."

"Whatever. But it has a plasma cannon instead of a regular cannon, and I really like it because you take everything great about the Leman Russ Executioner, and then you… Um… Make it better." Wow. She is a tank nerd.

"So I'm guessing you like tanks."

"Yeah, it's uh… It's weird, isn't it?"

"Not really, man. I love the Land Raider." Even if it's too expensive to be actually good.

"Ugh, Space Marine vehicles. You know, I read a little bit about them, and they are honestly some of the worst pieces of equipment. It's as if they don't care about vehicles and only infantry!" She seemed to gasp at something. "Not that our lords don't have the greatest infantry in all the Imperium. I'm sure they are the finest at combat there is."

"You don't have to be all space marine-worship-y around me, dude. I'm fine with whatever you have to say. Hell, I think the dudes are way overrated." Except chaos space marines. Those dudes are awesome, with the sole exception of Abaddon.

"Yeah? Me too." She stayed kinda silent after that, probably thinking about the dangers that could be around us. We were still in the forest, and we had to sorta be on our toes, ready to jump at the sign of trouble. "So what do you hate about them?"

"They take ALL the glory."

"Ugh, I know! It's the worst."

"Like dude, we held the line for seven damn years, waiting for your ass!"

"More like eleven! By the Emperor, they get the praise, and we get nothing!"

"Seriously, fuck those dudes." Then I thought about the Salamanders. "Except those green ones back on Armageddon. Those guys were really really chill."

"So now you're siding with them? Joker, I expected you not to be a traitor." Her tone was jokingly serious.

"Oh no, I'm a traitor. Look at me, praising marines when they deserve it." She laughed a little before regaining composure.

After a short while of us just walking, she said, "So?"

"So what?"

"You wanna ask me any questions?" This was a trap.

"Like what?"

"Like," she looked like she was gonna continue, but stopped. "I don't know."

"I feel like you do."

"Well I don't."

"Okay." I thought. Well, I guess now's the best time to get it out of the way. "So uh… Clare?" Her face lit up.

"Yes?" she said, a little too nicely for my liking.

"Have you fought against the tyranids?"

Her face went back to being stony. "Oh. Yeah, I have." Her reply was hardly interested. I felt like that wasn't the question she was expecting.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Not really." Huh. Okay. Guess that avenue's out of the way.

"So uh... " I tried to think of a question, even if it wasn't serious. "How do you… Get a rocking bod like yours?" Hey, I couldn't think of a legit question. That shit's hard, man. I don't have as much luck as Kharn does with this kind of stuff.

She quickly turned her head to me, her face in clear surprise. "What?"

"It was a joke."

"No, what was that word you said?" Gotta think of a distraction.

"Rocking?"

"The one after that."

"Like? Well, you see, it's a rather simple word, often-" I was interrupted by a punch to my arm. "Ow!"

"After rocking and before like."

"Bod?"

"What does that mean?" Couldn't avoid it forever.

"Bod is a word for… Uh…"

Her gauntleted hand suddenly grasped the top of her head. "Oh! It means body!" It then fell as her other hand raised in a point at me. "Did… Did you just say I have-"

"It was a joke!" I said. I really hope I don't get a powerfist to the skull. Despite my suicidal tendencies, this was not on my list of 'ways to go'.

I think the sergeant thought about how to kill me. I do know she took a moment to think. "Was it really a joke?" Uh, yes? Has she seen herself? To make sure she knew, I had to take matters into my own hands.

I made it blatantly obvious I was checking her out, up and down. I then looked her straight in the face. "Yes." She had the audacity to look slightly offended.

"You're a real jerk, you know that?"

"Why thank you, I credit myself on my ability to be a dick."

"At least I know it wasn't actually a joke." I'm sorry, what?

"I'm pretty sure it was."

"Mmmno, I don't think so."

"It totally was."

"It totally wasn't."

"Do you wanna 'ave a go?"

"Depends." We had stopped our little walk at this point, and were facing each other, talking.

"You know, you've been acting all weird for the last few weeks. Or months, I don't know. I'm not good with time." Do I look like a clock? Or a calendar, for that matter?

"I've been acting weird? Don't get this twisted."

"Yes, you have! I dunno if you've noticed, but you've been like… Really weird and stuff." I had nothing clever. "For one, you woke me up and asked what I'd like to do. It's like, dude, why? I'm your subordinate, dude, you tell me what to do."

"Then I order you to…" She looked away for some odd reason. "I order you to… Um…" Her hands were fiddling with eachother, which was funny since one of them was oversized and full of power.

"What's your order, sarge?"

"My order is for you to… Ask what I'd like to do one of these days."

"Sergeant, what would you like to do one of these days?"

"Oh Joker, how curious of you to ask!" Bitch, do you think this is humorous? "One of these days, I just want to ride atop a Leman Russ…" I thought she was done, so I opened my mouth to say some snarky remark, then she interrupted me. "With you."

Now that shut me up. I'll admit, I don't find too many times in my life where I'm at a loss for words. I tend to always have something to say, even if it wasn't witty. I seriously was just searching for the words to say.

"I'm sorry, that sounded stupid. Why would you ever go on a Leman Russ with me? I'm your superior. If anything, you'd be close to the tread." I continued trying to find the words. "Yeah, that'd be more likely. I don't even know why I asked."

"Sure," I replied. Before she could respond, the vox blared out.

"Sergeant, we've got a situation. Small kroot wandered into camp."

Xenos, man. I don't get them.


	18. Chapter 18

So we rushed back to camp, albeit I think in different moods. Where as I was simply disappointed in poor Astok being a kid, Clare looked goddamn furious. I have no idea why. She insisted on the whole rushing thing, but I figured the guys back home had it under control.

That said, she didn't seem to stop at anything. She never checked her surroundings, just stomping to camp in a run. Me being me, I had a hard time actually keeping up. Unlike her, I wasn't all too serious about making sure I was fit for fighting and action. I mean, I've been fine up to this point, right?

Anyways, we got back to camp in good time. The guys were in a firing line facing the main tent. Clare busted through the line, demanding information at this very instant. Lee decided to step up.

"Sergeant, we were all performing our duties, and then we caught this thing creeping around camp. We tried firing it down, but it's a tricky thing. It's in the tent right now, doing Emperor knows what." Probably hiding from the people that shot at it.

She turned around, facing the tent. "I get interrupted by this… Shit." Hey, that's not a nice word, and that's my word, you bitch. "Alright, why haven't you killed it yet?"

"Do you want to fight a kroot in close quarters?"

"Right now? Yes. Yes I do. I need something to slam my fist on." Damn, chill, dude.

"Yo, sarge, I know this is kinda stupid of me to say, but can I go in there instead? I think I might be the reason why its…" They were all staring directly at me. "Here. Hi guys, is it annual 'stare at Joker' day? My favorite holiday."

"You're responsible for the kroot?" Dekaff asked out loud. Clare was not to happy at those words. In fact, I think she was the opposite of happy ever since the vox came on. Before hand, I don't know.

"I guess. I've been talking to it for a while and-"

"Communicating with a Xenos?! Don't you know what those bring?" shouted one of the guardsmen.

"Hey, I was unaware, okay? It also kicked me in the face, so my words saved my life." Oh boy, I saw Clare's fist ball and spark a tiny bit as I said the thing smacked my perfect face. "But I can handle it."

"Then why don't you go ahead and do that, Joker." That wasn't a question. Clare wasn't mad. She was fucking livid.

"Okay, dude." I wandered past the very mad Clare, noticing her teeth were being ever so slightly gritted. "Man, that is the definition of attraction."

"Go. On. Joker." Not the time for jokes. Right.

I fled into the tent a little bit less gracefully than I hoped. As soon as I entered, however, I saw Astok was there with a book in her hands. Well shit dude, if that's all she wanted, she could have asked. "Yo, wassup?"

Her head turned to me, then back to the book. "My mother had one just like this." I looked to the book and saw the title 'Scriptures of the Emperor'. Really religious crap, I bet.

Wait, hold up a sec, a Xenos had a book like that? "She used to read it in front of me before she gave her story and left." I was honestly in awe at this point. "She had a thing for that… Emperor guy. Called him a god. She showed me a little sign on her arm that looked a lot like a double headed bird." I knew it was the aquila.

"That's uh… Interesting, Astok," I replied nervously. I didn't want to make this thing mad.

She grasped the book tighter before dropping it to the floor. "I never learned how to read. The kroot do not value this skill."

"Then how would you your mother know how to read?"

"I don't know." Well that's refreshing. For once, she didn't have an answer about her mother.

"You know, Astok, all this is… Nice and all, but I have a serious question."

"Okay," she replied. I think I had her attention.

"Right okay, so, riddle me this: Why are you here?!" I practically screamed out. Astok looked taken aback.

"I just wanted to see you. But then you weren't here. I thought I saw you, but then I fell out of a tree." That has got to be the most stupid- "I just… Wanted to thank you. You've opened my eyes, filled my curiosity in ways all the other kroot neglected." That has got to be the most sweet thing I've heard yet from this xenos. You know, I don't think Xenos are supposed to know English this good, now thinking about it. Especially a child.

"Man, you are elegant with the language."

"My mother made me perfect my gothic." Ah ha! So she has an Asian mom, as well. Figures. Always wanting her to do good in class.

"Well, I think-" The flaps of the tent flew open as Clare walked in, her pistol trained on the kroot.

"Alright, Xenos, what do you want?"

"I just wanted to thank Joker." She looked at me in surprise, furrowed her brow, then pointed her pistol at me.

"And just why is that?"

"Because I uh… Managed to hire the kroot as a mercenary." The pistol lowered.

"You what."

"Yeah, I hired the kroot." Astok took to the bro code immediately.

"Yes, we were just discussing my terms."

"Then you should be negotiating with me… This is so strange. I've only heard of kroot working with us very few times."

"Guess this is one of those few times!" I then nervously laughed. Please don't evaporate the child is all I was thinking.

"So what is your initial price?"

"I serve under Joker and take orders only from him, and I receive a weapon."

"Those terms are unacceptable. You take orders from me, and you receive a weapon to fight with."

"Oh come on! I'll… Do something you want me to do without any sass." Clare actually considered it.

"Well… Okay, you guard Joker. But I will not trust you with a weapon until you prove yourself." Sweet. I just got a bodyguard. I feel like a VIP already. "You better hold up to your promise, Joker." And now I feel like a loan shark is after me.

All in all, I consider this a victory. I walked out of the tent, the kroot by my side. The guys all pointed guns at the alien, then Clare came out shouting for them to hold fire. She explained the whole sitch with them. I'm honestly surprised that worked out. Aren't imperials, like, extremely prejudice?

Suddenly, my phone shook. I slid it out so not even Astok could see. All those years of sneaking a phone through class pays off. "You're welcome. -T" Of course you had to.

* * *

So thanks to the ruinous powers, I was trying to teach Astok how to read. Yeah, I know, cliche to teach the savage how to read, but I don't think she even counted. She was pretty intelligent, all things considered. I remember the moment where we got through the letter A.

"I want to thank you again, Joker, for doing this. I promise that when you die, I shall honor you by consuming you quickly and with dignity." That was hella weird. I think I just awkwardly stared at her for a moment before claiming I had something else to do and evacuating the premise. She wanted to come along, but I told her to stay put.

I then walked up to Clare, turned her around, and got straight to business. "Joker? I'd appreciate it if you didn't handle me in front of the-"

"Tell me EVERYTHING about the kroot."

"Uh…" She looked to the side. "I never heard much about them."

"Okay, tell me everything you know."

"So they're a bunch of bird people, from what I could tell." That much is obvious. "They have completely unnatural strength and perception, being able to pick up on the most minute detail. A lot of them are master trackers. You're better off fighting them than having them track you down."

Oh great. So if I tried to run from the thing that just said it would EAT ME, it would find me, and it would eat me. "They're known cannibals, consuming each other and other sentient beings, as well as non, and adding that to their strength. If there were kroot on Armageddon, the orks there would make them rather ferocious in battle." Oh. So they do want to get stronger. For fuck's sake, it's the orks all over again! Except this time they're nimble!

"Great."

"Not exactly. The kroot are known for being mercenaries, particularly for the Tau." Wait, what? Those space communists? "However, they do occasionally help anyone who can pay their price. Sometimes, they just help to increase their strength. A lot of imperial nobles are known to use them." Shit dude, we essentially just got a spartan mercenary for the price of nothing. Pretty good. But still, the Tau? Really? What did they have to offer? Their 'greata gud'?

Then again, being with the guys who have motherfucking RAIL GUNS that instakill ANYTHING from across the fucking world is pretty alright. By the way, I'm not a nerd. Stop looking at me like that, Tzeentch.

"I'm surprised you managed to snag one."

"Yeah, me too."

"I'm still kind of upset that thing interrupted our… Walk." I can tell she wanted to say something else, but probably couldn't find the word. "I don't think I caught what you said before the vox kicked in, but now I feel like that was a good exchange for everyone. Kroot gets to live, you get a kroot, and I get a favor." She smiled a little bit. "Everyone wins."

"I feel like that deal was incredibly one sided."

"Of course you would." I think she may have giggled a little bit. "Now what to ask you to do…"

"Ma'am, with all due respect, you can order me to do anything."

"Don't call me ma'am. If anything, call me sir."

"Kinky," I quietly said.

"What?" I'm so thankfully she's rather hard of hearing.

"Okay, sir."

"Oh. Well, I could order you to do things, but having you want to do them is more satisfying."

"I agree. Me doing what I want to do is pretty alright."

"When you put it like that, it sounds stupidly simple."

"It kinda is."

"Yeah, but you hardly do anything." Ouch.

"I'm a lazy guy, what can I say?"

"A moment of laxity can spawn a lifetime of heresy, you know."

"Me? A heretic? Please, that'd be ridiculous." Right, Tzeentchy-poo? There's no way I'm a heretic.

"Eh, you're right. Last time you were with those guys, they had a leg up on you." I was starting to enjoy her morbid humor. I let loose a single genuine chuckle. "Oh? Am I funny now?"

"Right, okay, just for that, you can have a very nice gift from me to you, buddy." I made the sound of a trumpet as I lifted up my middle finger. "F-f-f-fuck you!" She actually laughed in response. "No, but seriously, don't fuel my PTSD, bro."

"Your what?"

"My P. T. S. D. You know? Post traumatic stress disorder?"

"You keep mentioning that, but I seriously don't know what it means." So… The Imperium does not deal with that kind of stuff. Genius. Don't mention it, it doesn't happen! It's like post-Vietnam America!

"Eh, it's a long story. I'll tell you about it one day." It was then I remembered I actually had something to take care of. "Anyways, thanks for the whole kroot thing. Bye, man."

"As you were."

And so I went back to the kroot, now not quite as freaked out by the fact it wanted to eat me after I died. I now have a renewed fear that it is going to eat anything after they die. That's gross, man.

That said, I learned a little bit more about kroot society. Apparently, they relied on shamans called Shapers who had crazy acid trips. The kroot are also pretty simple, preferring to bash your head rather than blow it up from miles away. Them and America would not get along. Especially on technology. Apparently, the simpletons hated technology.

That makes me wonder just what made Astok so interested in this stuff? Guess it runs in the family.

Oh, and remember when I said it was a long day? Yeah, it wasn't over.


	19. Chapter 19

So there I was, just walking back to the tent with the kroot in it, but then suddenly my day went from bad to worse. See, Tzeentch isn't necessarily the best guy to have on your side because he's kind of the most giant asshole in the universe. Remove the 'kind of' of that sentence, and you have a shockingly true statement.

"Xenos!" I heard one of the guardsmen yell. Oh sweet lord, the kroot have come back for their child. We're going to die. There's a grand total of ten of us.

It's been a while since I last fought. I really hope diplomacy is an option. I have impeccable charisma. I turned my entire body to the person yelling, and looked further into the woods. It was bright daylight, so I was able to see…

Giant. Fucking. Spiders.

Okay, I give up. I could do orks, I could do heretics, I could do kroots, but this shit? No. No, dude. I know I'm fearless and all that, but those are SPIDERS. They were moving very swiftly, their eight legs like a damn blur. I counted at least eight, and not just legs.

Clare yelled "Firing line, on me, now!" No idea what that meant. You think I actually paid attention when we were training? Hell, most of the time, she was gone, doing paperwork, so we never even practiced. We're just the distraction squad, anyways, right? The fuck does that even mean, 'distraction squad'?

Dozens of guardsmen, note to self not actually a dozen because there's only ten, flocked to Clare, forming a line, actually letting the enemy get really close. Me, I was focused on the finer things in life. I upped and bolted into the woods, Kharn attached.

"Joker! Keep in formation!" I heard faintly.

"See ya, nerds! I ain't dying today!" I roared back, ready to hike it out of there and come back. Hey, I'm not attached to anything over there. Astok, Clare, Lee, and Dekaff can all eat a big one. Though come to think of it, I'd probably come back to a very gruesome scene. Is that worth my life?

If you were a sane person, yes. Very much so. I kept on running, reminding myself of Forrest Gump. I just kept on running, man. Don't know why I ran, I just- oh fuck that, I'm running from those damn spiders. Like, as much as I love getting mauled to death by them, I'd like to live.

So there I was, in the woods, still pretty early in the afternoon, or at least I think it's the afternoon, and I suddenly hear something drop behind me. Bear in mind, I was the slightest bit tired at this point, kind of sick of running. I looked behind me and saw one of those giant spiders up close. Good god, they reached up to my waist.

"Not again," I said out loud. I turned around, ready to sprint when another spider dropped.

Every way my head turned, there was another spider dropping. I lifted Kharn, and he eliminated one or two with a single shot. Dude, these things were easy to kill. Suddenly I heard the sound of gurgling and spitting, and I felt something sticky hit my legs. I don't swing that way, spiders. Also, why is it always my fucking leg!? Why couldn't it be my damn arm for once!

I looked down and saw my leg was practically encased in webs. "What?!" I yelled out loud. Another wave of webs knocked Kharn out of my hand and covered my hand. I felt my leg being tugged on strongly, and I fell onto the ground hard. I then had the sensation of being dragged.

You never want to have that sensation. It's the goddamn horrifying. "Fuck fuck fu-" I kept repeating as they started to drag me by my arms and legs, which they wrapped up pretty well. My head was still doing pretty good, I guess they understood the concept of MORTAL TERROR and kept everything visible.

They dragged me for what seemed like hours. The eversame evergreens didn't look so wonderful. I'm glad I was wearing a helmet, otherwise the rocks probably would have knocked me out, and I wouldn't have remembered all the dragging. At some point, I think I gave up on the screaming and just resigned to my fate. I was going to die, simple as that.

At some point, I just began talking to myself. "You know, Clare, I should've just listened to you. All the times you were yelling orders, it was for me to actually live, not for me to do things." I turned my head over to one of the spiders. "Hey, did you grab Kharn, my gun?" I looked over to the other side, and saw that, yes, they were dragging Kharn along with me. "That's good. Hey, bro. You having as tough of a time as me? Looks like it. You know, I'm probably not gonna make it out of this. So I just wanted to tell you something.

"Kharn, I'm pretty sure I actually love you. Like, no joke, dude. I know it's kind of gay, but this is like a family love, not like 'hey, let's fuck' kind of love. You've always been there for me, man." I looked away from him. "All these times, you've saved me. When we first met, maybe I was a bit rude, and maybe I've stayed just as rude, but… I don't want you to see me as that." Holy fuck, I am having a sentimental chat with a gun. Second amendment supporters would fucking love me. "I want you to see me as somebody who's… Okay, I guess. I don't want to be the worst guy ever, the guy who you think 'eh, he wasn't that great'. I want to be your friend, not your holder, dude. We've been to hell and back, and back to hell, and back."

Suddenly, there was a huge drop into a ravine. I started slinging straight down into the depths, screaming. At how ugly the spiders were, not the falling. Nope, not me. I'm not afraid of anything but how ugly these spiders are.

My flight was halted abruptly as the spiders braced, easily holding my weight. Fuck, how much do these arachnids lift? Apparently enough for me in armor. I started dipping down slowly as they slowly went down the wall of stone. I stared into the abyss below, and it might have stared back, but I don't know. If it did, it'd see the immense fear in my eyes. If I weren't restrained, I'd be shaking to death because of the whole impending doom thing.

After I reached a certain point, I saw a hole in the ravine, leading into some really REALLY dark the spiders got there, they started walking on the ceiling of the place, dragging me into it. I then realized they were dragging me into the depths of a damn cave. I saw the light slowly get smaller and smaller as I was dragged. Few things have ever terrified me this much.

I'm joking. Nothing has terrified me this much.

As my eyes adjusted, I could see little outlines of rocks, and there was some huge web at the end of the cave. It was surprisingly short. The spiders slung me onto the giant web, securing me in place, elevated from the rest of the world.

So here I am. Ready to die. Just sitting here, waiting for the worst possible fate in human history. Seriously, what's worse than this? And don't you dare mention exterminatus, that shit's LIGHT compared to this tragedy.

I felt the web vibrate. My time has come is what that translates to. I looked up, my head still uncovered, and I saw a giant version of the giant spiders with some sort of sack on its back. The sack was constantly moving, and it was disgusting.

I'm just gonna guess this is a pregnant mother spider. And good god it was UGLY.

"Hey, just a heads up, you forgot to do your makeup today."

"You're funny," it somehow replied, its mouth moving in ways I never knew it could. Normally, a good thing with women, but this is not one of those cases. It was an echoey sound, and not at all present. Several little slurpy sounds were present in its speech too.

"Holy shit, what the fuck?!" is all I could muster in response. I know, my responses are godly.

"Surprised? After enough humans, you learn." It's speech was oddly segmented, much like its body. Ha, bug joke. Classic comedy.

"Learn what?" I was just asking questions at this point.

"Learn speech." Okay, so it wasn't fluent. That's good. Still, very nasty sound that I prefer not to hear.

"Fuck you." Boom, got 'em. I just officially burned this mother. Don't even NEED a flamethrower. Hell, skip out on the oven. My insults are far superior than anything it had to throw.

"Interesting," it said in a complete monotone. "Speak more."

"No."

"Speak more," it insisted, inching closer to me.

"Fuck no!"

"That one. Say it more." Oh. It wanted some fuck?

"Take me out to dinner first, geez."

"Say it more." Once again, getting a little closer than comfortable. I'd have to request a restraining order of at least 3 planets for this bitch when I got out. Ha. Me getting out. Implying that'll happen. I should never get my hopes up.

So I let loose the storm. I started saying all the swears and slurs I could, knowing I'd have to get them out. Poor Kharn heard everything, but he's an adult. I said fuck everything, examples being "Fuck the Imperial Guard! Fuck Tzeentch!" I had quite the list, and the spider was enjoying itself, or I think anyways. The best part was that I could insult everyone except Kharn, and the spider wouldn't get closer. So I just let out my feelings. After about fifty sentences in a row, I was pretty exhausted from yelling and said the final sentence in huffs and puffs.

"And. Clare. You were an okay. Sergeant. But your obsession. With tanks. Was hella weird," I finished. I was done, out of things to say.

"That all?" it asked after a moment of waiting.

"Yeah."

It got closer very slowly, tantalizing me with every step. Now I feel like a dick. I just said something about one of my friends was hella weird. Even if she basically friendzoned me at every chance she had. I guess I just freaked out at her question because who the fuck rides on tanks? That seemed dangerous, stupid, and unproductive. Basically, my lifestyle, but still.

It's leg touched on where my webbed shoulder was when it stopped. Oh great, it was gonna savor my terror. Awesome. Well fuck you, I'm ready for it. Kill me. End it.

Then I heard it. What it was hearing. It was the sound of fire. Then, I heard something else. It… It sounded like "WAAAGH!" Oh no. I looked to the light expecting them to show up. Then I remembered this was a ravine.

The ground shook once. Then twice, this time closer. Then, when it shook a third time, it shook like hell, and the web collapsed, causing the spider to fall off. I slammed onto the ground, but the web cushioned my fall. I looked outside past the horrible noise I was hearing. My ears were ringing as metal screeched against the ground. I saw green skin and rusted metal right where the light was. Dear god, no. Not like this. About to die by spider, then orks show up to eat me instead. They probably do eat people.

A particularly big ork went into the cave, shooting out flames at some things in the darkness. I saw spiders catching on fire and probably dying after a couple of seconds. "Ah, Kaptin Jokah! You'z look loik you'z got a bit of a sitchooashun."


	20. Chapter 20

Here I am, lying on the floor, looking at an ork who just called my name. Do orks have night vision? A better question: do they care about light itself? I don't believe they do. Truth be told, I couldn't be happier. I'm going to be saved. But then I look at my saviors, and I have to think 'Huh. Either way, I'm going to be die, what's the point?' And you wanna know what's the point, me? Here's the point: You aren't going to be eaten by a giant spider.

You know, come to think of it, that ork kinda sounded like- "I've been lookin' for ya! Ya didn't ferget ol' Kaptin Swagloota, did ya?!" I just had to open my fucking thoughts, didn't I?

"Swagloota? I didn't expect to see you," I said, but then quickly realized I was speaking to an ork. I had to correct my speech pattern, albeit kind of awkwardly. "You'z came roight before I was gonna krump dis 'ere spider fing!"

"Lookz ta me you were gonna get krumped yerself! And dat'z KAPTIN Swagloota ta you!" Orks and their monikers.

The captain came over to the giant giant spider right next to me and torched the damn thing. I could feel the flames were were I quite comfortably laid. I wasn't as comfortable when I saw that sack on top of her tear open and millions of spiders each the size of my foot came out of the damn thing. Some of them crawled over me, prompting me to yell out, which then brought the flames in my direction, whizzing over my head as it burned the rest of the spider babies. It was a beautiful sight, even if the flames were a little too close to my body.

"Yeah, yeah, whateva. You'z fink you'z real cool wit your fancy new flame fing, but you'z still a git."

"Them'z iz sum fightin' wordz." Oh shit, they were. Swagloota went on ahead and came over to my rather immobile body and picked it up. "I fink you'z iz askin' fer a fight." Ah ha, I'll stump him real good with this one. Jesus, I'm even starting to think like an ork.

"Yeah, but I gotz a bit of a sticky sitchooashun 'ere," I spat, trying to wriggle around in my little cocoon.

The ork captain dropped me and got out his cutlass. Oh no. He started cutting me free. It was only moments before I was out of my prison. Oh fuck. I had to fight him 1v1 no hard-scoping allowed.

"Now git yer gun, ya zoggin' 'umie. I want dis ta be kinda fair." Wow, an honorable ork.

So I scrambled for Kharn, and pointed him at the ork captain. "I'm ready, Swagloota."

"Dat'z KAPTIN SWAGLOOTA! WAAAGH!" He launched himself at me, and Kharn could only get off two shots. Both of which, thanks not to my stalwart and resolute aim in the face of totally not scary giant green hairless gorillas but to Kharn's malfunctioning frame, missed.

I started spitting out profanities as I raised Kharn to try and block the captain's cutlass, which in hindsight wasn't the best idea. In fact, it might have been one of my worst ideas of all time. I realized my mistake far too late.

The cutlass came down, crashing into Kharn. It broke him in two as the cutlass slashed through Kharn. A little soul-like gas spilled out of Kharn, flying into the air whimsically. Of course, what I was concerned about was the fact Kharn fucking died.

Before I even had time to react, the ork swung the cutlass back up on his backhand. I saw that in virtually slow motion, completely unable to react. I wanted to move away, but the shock of my best and only friend getting halved in front of my very eyes stopped all movement. I know he was just a gun, but he was MY gun. My responsibility. For all intensive purposes, he was my child. I gave him life, and I let this shit happen.

I'm a terrible fucking person, aren't I?

Anyways, cutlass. It's coming up. I tried to move my hands, which are still carrying the broken fragments of Kharn, but unfortunately, they didn't feel like it. The cutlass was getting closer and closer, and I could just feel my end approaching. Suddenly, I could feel the fabric of my right arm, my good one, tearing. Hell, I think I could even hear it as the ork's yell was muffled.

My eyes went wide as the world returned back to normal. I felt my lower arm get full on hacked by Swagloota, and then I saw the blade come up through my arm. I collapsed onto my fucking back immediately, an immense pain beginning as I dropped Kharn's half.

"Oi, I wasn't finished!" I heard the ork yell. The pain exploded in my arm, and the world began to fade at the rims of my vision.

I let loose a blood-curtling scream in some attempt to move the pain out of my body. It did not help, but that doesn't mean I won't try again.

I liked that arm. I frequently used that arm. As a right handed person, I only had one usable arm left, and it-

I fucking hate my thought process. One arm left. Damn straight there's only one left, and it's the left one. Coincidence? Also, before I forget, fuck you, Tzeentch.

My life and my death is just some cruel joke, ain't it? I started laughing uncontrollably at my joke, stopping my yelling. "What the? Only a right and proppa ork wud laff at bein' disarmed like dat."

"Shut the fuck up," I said amongst my laughs, which came even harder after he said that. I was laughing uncontrollably at the loss of my arm and all the puns that came with it. It helped the pain.

Speaking of which, my entire body was curling in, trying to soothe the pain in any way. I grasped at my brand new stump, which made the pain marginally worse, but I knew I'd bleed out quicker if I didn't make an attempt to cover it.

"Oi, sumbody get a mad dok. I like dis one."

Yes, get me an ork doctor. Please, I need that glorious power klaw to match Clare's power fist. That'd be amazing. Hell, I could be the guardsman version of Commissar Yarrick.

A different ork started looking over from out of nowhere, his eyes covered by strange goggles. "Well, I don't fink we shud do anyfing. Da 'umie would jus waste da supplies an-"

"Dat right dere'z an ork, dok."

"I don't fink dis-"

"DAT RIGHT DERE'Z AN ORK, YA DAFT GIT!" the captain roared.

"Well uh… Dis ork looks real weird, but I fink I can patch up dat arm and… Well, I fink da only way to make him live is da fightin' juice."

"Do it."

Oh great. I'm not exactly seeing what's happening since my eyes are fading out. I saw the ork, then I was out like a light. Or at least my eyes are. Brain is still working, and still creating pain to tell me I fucked up. I'm well aware, brain, I shouldn't have challenged the ork captain.

I suddenly felt something rip my arm away from my stump, and my stump started getting tighter as, I think, the ork bandaged it. "Dere we go! Good as new!"

"I think it's exactly the OPPOSITE of good," I reply, no small amount of snark present in my still giggling voice.

"Everybody'z a critic… Alright, drink up, ya git," he said as I felt something touch my chin, lifting open my lips. A strange liquid began pouring into my mouth.

And by god, that shit was SPICY. Hot damn! It's like eating hot sauce by itself! My eyes busted wide at the taste, and I noticed something going incredibly wrong.

The world I knew was turning incredibly orange and red of varying shades. I wouldn't say fifty of 'em, probably a lot more. My giggling and pain almost instantly ceased as my body jolted up.

"Dere, boss, I did it. Happy?"

"Jokah, you dere?"

I heard these strange voices, but that didn't matter. I had to get somewhere. I don't know where, but I had to go. I got up, albeit rather unsteadily since I was missing a limb, but I don't need that where I'm going.

I readied myself for some running. Or maybe some sprinting. After all, I think I needed to be pretty fast where I was going. I then lifted my feet one after the other, just running forward out of the cave, seeing strange things go past me. To be honest, I don't remember where I was going.

But I needed to go faster.

I started running even quicker, seeing the world turn a much more vibrant shade of orange and red as I exited a very large door. Can't remember what it was, but it might have been a cave. Oh well, who cares about that stupid thing? I made my way up the rubble of whoever that was placed here and got atop the hole I was in. That wasn't so hard. Now where was I going?

Eh, that doesn't matter. What does matter is that I want to go faster. I kept sprinting through the terrain, seeing little red columns occasionally passing by me. They might have been trees, but they weren't doing nothing, so I didn't care for them one way or another.

You know what I need? Something that shoots. Hell, I'll take something that chops. That's what I need. Something made itself evident in my vision.

"Oi, 'umie! You'z gonna die!" yelled something that was ugly. I decided to rearrange its fucking face to make it some sort of better.

"WAAAGH!" I roared while speeding towards this guy. I then jumped and kicked the thing in the face, where I said I would. It fell backwards, dropping its chopping thing. I took that in both my hands and- My one hand. When did that happen? Oh well, I'll cry about it later. It'll get a twenty one gun salute.

I then slammed it down on the thing's face. Indeed, it looked marginally less ugly. I tried to take out the chopper, but I couldn't with just one arm. Stupid thing that took my arm. I'll kill it later. I decided to take the thing's pistol. He didn't need it no more.

I looked out in a direction and began my run again. After all, I still needed to get somewhere. You know, that made me wonder: Where's the fighting? I just had a little fight, sure, but I thought things were supposed to be crazy. This is the most calm I've ever seen everything, and it's all red!

I decided to yell at the red. That'll teach it. Hey, I just got the greatest idea. I raised my pistol into the red sky, and shot multiple times. The booms of the gun were amusing to me. I loved it. I kept doing it, knowing that if my other gun could fire forever, this one could, too. The noise it made was so lovely. If only I had something to actually point it at.

But that don't matter none. I put the pistol down because the sky learned its lesson. You don't mess with Joker, the biggest and baddest human alive. Why, I figure I could… Take a nap actually. The world kinda lost a little bit of orange, turning into a darker shade. It was real hard to distinguish anything.

"Hey! Stop right there!" something yelled. Shame that my ears were feeling a little bad after my pistol making the loudest boom. It was so worth it, though. Don't let nobody tell you otherwise.

"What in the name of the Emperor? Is that one of our guys?"

"What's wrong with his eyes?"

"What's wrong with his ARM?!"

"Somebody, get a medic!"

My ears stopped working after that. I heard a little crash as the world became sideways. I should get myself one of those doks. That was the best fight I ever had, even if there weren't no fight but the one. I think I'll take a nap now.


	21. Chapter 21

I felt quite a sharp pain a little below my right elbow. To be quite frank, I didn't like it. I felt it long before I opened my eyes, which were very heavy for some odd reason. Did I get drunk last night or something? Please don't tell me I have some sort of hangover. First, I get stuck in 40k. Then, I get piss fucking drunk. What's next? More substance abuse and a life of depression? I can't do that, I already have a life.

My eyelids finally felt like lifting, and my gods, they were heavy. What was I on last night? I musta got hella crunk. My vision was very blurry, making the lifting of my eyelids completely pointless. This morning is just great.

As the hazy vision started dissipating, I tried lifting my head, but unfortunately, my head is about eight hundred pounds at the moment. I guess I'll just stare at the top of this here tent thing. I think it's a tent.

As I stared up, the pain never went away. If anything, it got worse. I tried to think of whatever could have caused the pain, but my brain was still having its hangover and I couldn't remember anything. Maybe I got into a fight with an ork or something. Do orks even have beer?

Have I ever mentioned how much I really wanted to take a good look at my arm right now? Seriously, it's bugging me so hard. I kept wincing a little bit at the pain every now and again, but that wasn't because I wasn't a total man. It was because the pain forced my eyes to do it. Yep, that's right. Never let it be known I ain't a man.

So, I laid and waited. I could only guess an hour passed before I was able to lift my head a tiny bit. I could confirm it was most certainly a tent. Imperial design, too. Neat. Looks like I'm back at home. It'll be moments before Clare or alien face will see me in my weakened state. I think they might have actually killed alien face. What was its name? I can't be asked right now, I have a pain in my arm and it's making me irritable.

It was about another hour before I tried lifting my head up again. This time, I could lift my body up a little bit. Nice! I decided to try and see what was up with my-

What the fuck.

No, what the actual fuck.

That isn't a question. That's a goddamn STATEMENT.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

DUDE. I used that arm! And not for the reasons a normal guy uses it, but for like… Everything! Like, fuck, man! I needed that thing.

Okay, if you hadn't of guessed, self evaluation begins now. I am in a bed. I am in a tent. I woke up hungover as fuck. I am missing my right arm from the elbow down. Now, I only have one arm left and-

Oh my fucking god, that is hilarious and mortifying at the same time. I only have a left arm. I let a single uncontrollable giggle out, then stone-faced myself for what this implies.

Tzeentch not only does not give a fuck about me, but is not protecting me either. Well uh… I'm gonna be honest, I was really banking on that second part. Fuck, I'm more mortal than I thought I was. Wasn't I supposed to get a 6+ invul or some shit?

I sat my head back down and considered all options at this point. I'm not ambidextrous. I'm not left-handed. Anything that involves manipulation with my hands is a no-go. Anything that requires more than one hand is a no-go.

My life suddenly got way more interesting and boring at the same time, and I don't like it. Okay, so, first things first: the guys already know. Maybe I'll get to see that other guy from Earth in the sick bay or something. I think his name was Mike or something. I hope there's a sick bay.

Wait a minute. Medicinal stuff is expensive, right? Why waste that on a guardsman? I'd expect for injured guardsmen to be executed or some-

I need to stop discovering things. Mike or whoever is dead, probably by commissar. So, in other words, my entire existence is a fucking lie and I'm about as effective as Failbaddon the Armless right now. Fantastic. No, I mean it, fucking marvelous.

And I am now upon my deathbed, awaiting a commissar to walk in any minute and shoot me for heresy. Either that or Clare, coming in to say "It was my fault!" or some bullshit that always happens in the movies that have guys get shot and their comrades visit them. And then I'll have to say to her, "Bitch, nah," and explain that because I… Fuck, what did I do? I really have got to stop finding a way to drink.

Suddenly something in the room changed. I lifted my head and saw the flaps of the tent fly open, and there was a… A… A commissar. "Hey, buddy," I instinctively said, with no voice crack whatsoever.

The commissar came up to the bed, and stood there at the ready. He didn't say anything to me. It's time, boys. I had a nice run. Fuck you, Tzeentch. I should have KNOWN you would have Magnus'd me!

Then a second guy came in, and this guy looked kinda important. He still looked kinda like a guardsman, but had a fancy hat and medals. "Ah. So you're awake," he said with a simply majestic voice. Seriously, how can a guy sound like that? I'm not gay, but hot damn, man.

"Yep. I'm ready for combat!" I said, no indication of fear present due to a commissar bearing over me, probably about to shoot me in the fucking skull at this guy's command.

"I doubt that. According to the men and by my own sight, you blundered into camp with half an arm missing before crumpling onto the ground." Please say more words, especially words like blunder or crumple.

"That uh… Sounds about right?"

"Do you remember anything?"

"No."

"A pity. Well, I figure you lost your arm fighting a denizen of this planet," he said. Say denizen one more time, but record it. I want to hear that every day until I get really sick and tired of it. "You appear to be from my platoon, so I'll ask you this: Who was your sergeant?" What? I work with this guy? My day suddenly went from the worst fucking shit to mildly adequate!

"That'd be a Ms. Clare," I said, before slowly adding, "Issa. Clarissa. That's the one." The guy looked at the commissar for a moment before staring back at me.

"Are you the one they call 'Joker'?" My reputation proceeds me.

"For you, yes," I said without thinking. Damnit, he probably thinks I'm coming onto him. Please be as awkward as every other Imperial!

"Interesting… I've heard many stories about you. Well, I suppose we'll send you back to Clarissa. A damn fine sergeant, she is."

"Damn? Maybe. Fine? Oh yes." I wasn't sure if I was talking about Clare or this guy. He didn't look half bad, as well. Really nicely shaved, very strong jawline. It's like this guy was made to be a dream commander.

"I'm glad you think your sergeant is adequate. Now, commissar, go instruct the men to get a Chimera ready for this man."

"In case you didn't notice, commander, I do not have to take orders from you." This guy was not having it. Typical commissar.

"Just do it. This man is in need, and I cannot leave his side right now." The commissar turned and left the room without a word. He just commanded a commissar without even looking at him. What a badass. "Now, I must ask you what option do you wish to take in terms of this injury?" Options? Holy fuck, I have a choice!

"What are my options?"

"Servitorization, so you may continue serving the Emperor. Bionic replacement, so you may continue fighting, though after this I don't think you're all too excited to get back into the thick of it. We can send you home, as well, so you may live out the rest of your life." Okay. So, my options are robot, replacement arm, or going nowhere. Real great options. I remember when I thought I had any to begin with.

"Bionic replacement sounds good."

"Really? You're a bold and courageous man, Joker. I like you." I like you too, but I'm not gonna tell you that. What do you think I am, gay or something?

"Thanks, sir. What was your name, again?"

"Platoon Commander Arnholdt. The medical crew will be there in a couple of days. I trust you will not need an arm in that time." Aliens could attack at any time, but besides that, yeah. I nodded in response.

The commissar poked his head through the flaps, his giant hat sticking out like a sore thumb. "We don't have a Chimera, but we do have a spare Leman Russ."

"Then he'll take that. Well, Joker, let me help you to the Leman Russ." He grabbed my good arm and lifted me up. Only one thought was going through my head: How much is Clare gonna be shocked that I'll be coming back not only without an arm, but on a fucking tank? She's gonna burst from fangirling so hard and trying to make it sound like she was the reason I lost my arm. Awesome.

* * *

"So you're Joker, huh?" said one of the drivers in the tank. There were like five guys in this damn thing. How many did you need?

"Yep, that's me," I replied. I was poking my head out of the top of it as it was driving through the forest. I waved goodbye to the camp, and I think a few guards actually waved back. Funny thing is: I never talked to any of those dudes. Am I famous or some shit? Is some dude secretly writing down my life story and sharing it with all the other guardsmen? I don't know, and frankly, if some dude is, I'm going to beat the shit out of him for stalking me.

"What's it like, being in the 'distraction squad', as we call it?"

"Pretty good, actually." It was time to start some crazy gossip. "Thing is, we get thrown at every little thing you guys don't wanna deal with. I can't tell you how many of those Kroot we've gotten into a tussle with." Exactly one, and it ended really peacefully.

"Really? Sounds to me like you guys are some legends. How many do you have to replace weekly?"

"I haven't seen anybody new since we left on the ship. Nobody lost, either. We're pretty tough, I figure."

"Damn, Joker. Mind telling us a story?"

"Oh, I got one for the road." Well, it wasn't a road, per say, but the treads were gonna make it one. That's so cool, actually. We're trailblazing, boys, and it's all because I lost an arm! When did I start saying boys this much? Ah, who cares? I decided to tell them story of ol' Kaptin Swagloota, the ork who nearly took off my leg. Why couldn't that have been the limb I lost? Fuckin' Swagloota, not cutting off limbs and saving me from this fate.

By the time I finished exaggerating literally everything, we were approaching the camp, and a few of the guards spotted me. I recognized Dekaff automatically. I decided this was the moment I would appear badass. I went down into the tank, and asked all the guys inside one question. "Do you guys have like, a sword in here or something?"

"Yeah, do you need it?" Plan A was a go.

"Yes. Yes, I do." He handed me a nice looking sword, and I attached it to my belt and tried to climb up the ladder of the tank. It was surprisingly difficult now, but that's okay. I could live with it if I could have my moment.

I took off my helmet, letting my rather short hair flow as I came over the top of the tank. I set it off to the side and grabbed at the sword. As I pulled it out of its scabbard, I boomed out, "Drive me closer! I want to hit them with my sword!"

The face of Clare was worth it. I could see her face full of wonder. This was so worth it. I can't stress this enough. I know I might have lost an arm, but I was gonna get a new one, apparently. I know I may have just said the worst meme of all the 40k memes, but nobody would know to crucify me. I know that maybe, I could have done something so much better, like pose sexily without any armor or clothes on, but I've already done it.

I put the sword back and dropped it down the hatch as I lifted myself off the top of the Leman Russ and slid down the back of it. I crashed onto my feet, and I think my arm just had a pain spike, but it was so damn worth it. I came around the Leman Russ, a smile booming on my face.

I looked at Clare, and she just stared at me, her mouth agape. "What can I say? I knew you liked Leman Russes, so I borrowed one to get over here."

"This is all for me?" she said, awe still evident even in her voice.

"Nah. It's cause some other place found me and told me to come here, and this is all they had."

"Oh." The disappointment was palpable. "You left your helmet on it." I turned around and saw the Leman Russ speeding away with my helmet still on the top of it.

Those fucking thieves.

I whipped my head back around and said, "Oh yeah, do you have any place for me to lie down for the next couple of days?"

"Why? Did you get caught by some sort of Kroot gang and promised them money?"

"Nah. Only this," I said, then waved my half arm at her. Oh boy. The face she made. I could tell in a couple of minutes, all the things I said were worth it? I lied.


	22. Chapter 22

And there she was, storming off. No, there was not a powerfist imprint on my face. My groin was perfectly fine. She had not laid a single finger, fist, or foot on me. She was royally pissed, however. Yeah… I'd have to deal with that later. I'd prefer for it to be when I have an arm, though. That'd feel right and-

That'll never get old. How did I even lose this thing? Did I shove it in a blender?

Anyways, the other guys looked at it differently. Dekaff was horrified, a lot of guys were curious, and Lee was proud. Some of them asked for the story, and I just said, "I fought a terrible blender." Fuck it, it's canon now. I'll retcon it harder than those 'squat' things people talk about when I find out the real reason. They all asked what a blender was, and I was kind of shocked. I told them I had the sergeant to attend to, and they actually wished me a lot of good luck. Luck wouldn't save me from a power fist. I don't even have that 6++ anymore.

So, I did what every responsible soldier would do and avoided my superior when she was frustrated. I instead maneuvered to my special tent with my alien inside it. Hopefully. It'd suck if I came in there and saw my diplomacy splattered all over the walls. By diplomacy, I mean the alien's blood. I just got it from… Diplomacy… And… I went into the tent, okay? No use avoiding everything in my life that might kill me.

Inside, the tent was empty except for the things. Well, shit. Guess it died. Oh well. I walked forward a little bit, and then something jumped onto my back. I yelled the best profanity I had at the time before being taken down to the ground. See, if I had a helmet, I guarantee that wouldn't have happened. Those fucking thieves.

"Joker! You're back!" I heard the alien say. I rolled onto my back, throwing the thing off me as I got a good look at it. Nothing seems to have changed, except a little mark across its beak.

"Yeah, here I am, dude! How about you not do that, bud, okay? Okay."

"My name is not bud or dude, it is Astok. I don't know how many times you have to mess that up before you'll get it right." Ah. Sweet, sweet xenos understanding, or lack thereof.

"It's a nickname."

"It is a stupid nickname." Dissing on the whole human vocabulary of the 2000s? Wanna go?

"Ouch," is all I responded with.

"I have acquired a battle scar." It pointed at its beak, where the little mark was. It was like a little scratch. Bitch, you just opened yourself up to get one-upped.

"Pfft, you think that's a battle scar?" I held up my arm. "Now here's a real scar."

The kroot was in complete marvel. It moved way too close to comfort to get a better view. "That is amazing, Joker! What gave you this?" Positive reinforcement for getting your ass kicked. I think I'd do well in kroot society if that's the case. I must get my ass kicked every damn fight. I guess in the last one, I musta bitten off more than I can chew. Either that, or something else bit off more than I could live with.

"Eh, I'll tell you later. I still don't remember it due to my memory being a bit fuzy. Probably because of the…" Alcohol. Of course, this was a child. A kroot child. "Blood lust." Yeah, I just played myself up. I lost a fucking arm, lay off, okay?

"I feel as though you're leaving out a detail." Shit, it's good.

"That's why I said I'll tell you later." It shrugged, and so I had my fun sitting in a bed while having Astok attempt to read a book to me. It gave up halfway, however, and just went to tell me another story about its mother. This Korak kid apparently took the title of, and I kid you not, the Inquisitor Justicar Lord. I don't know if you know what half those mean, but I know Justicars are Grey Knight related. I play Daemons, and… Well, played, but I know a few things about those broken fucks.

So Astok's mom met Grey Knights and lived to tell the tale. This better lead to an epic daughter-reunites-with-mom story.

* * *

The day was going so well. About two hours into the great story of Astok's mom kicking the shit out of orks, Clare came through the flaps of the tent. She stood right in the middle of the tent, looking at me expectantly.

Astok stopped talking and stared at her for a moment before looking back at me. "Is she a problem?" I examined her posture. Her power fist was crushed into a fist, her bare hand had a pistol in it, very tightly gripped, and it looked like she was ready to burst into a murder spree. Yes. Yes she was a problem.

"No. Stay behind me, I guess," I started getting up, and the kroot did too, but as soon as the alien started to move, Clare nailed the gun to the alien.

"Only you, Joker."

"I am his guard, so I would-"

"I don't think I give one damn what you would and should do. Stay here, you filthy xenos." Christ, she was throwing a real hissy fit now. If I didn't word my next response carefully, I'd recieve a powerfisting, and not just the gauntlet, but the full on POWER.

Astok sat itself back down as I waved my hand over it. "Stay down. Gotta deal with this real quick." I moved myself slowly over to Clare. "Now, before you start apologizing for my lost arm, I want you to-"

I received a singular slap from her gun hand, and boy, that laspistol HURTS. It's got some weight to it, surprisingly. Even a lasgun is kinda light. Either that, or she had a ton of strength, probably from a rage or something.

"What makes you think I'm going to apologize for something you did?" Oh. You know, I had a whole speech prepared, but I'm gonna have to do some quick improv for my life. "I let you run away, and what's the first thing you do?" Oh, so she isn't going to apologize, she's gonna make me feel like shit. Alright, think I can get something sassy going after a few more statements. "You get yourself hurt. You disobeyed direct orders. You deserted. You made me look like a fool. And worst of all, there are rumors about you and I." Rumors? Gotta squash those. Only I can start gossip, not anyone else.

"All valid points, but-" I suddenly found a laspistol right under my chin.

"I don't know about you anymore, Joker. I've been pulling a lot of strings to keep you in the guard. I don't think you realize just how much I've had to void out of my letters to the C.O." Look, I'm starting to feel like shit. Mission accomplished, you can stop. "At this point, I have the right to execute you freely. Desertion, disobedience, association with xenos." Hey, you leave Astok out of this. It has a bad ass mother.

I felt the laspistol leave my chin. "Yeah, okay, I get it, you can do-" Once again, it was back.

"Oh, yes, Joker, I can, and I will." You know… Dude, what if I could play her into not killing me? Worth a shot, and I might look more badass. Bonus points if Tzeentch saves me or she kills me then feels like dirt.

"I know you wouldn't." Her eyes narrowed. Oh yeah, it's time for manipulation.

"What makes you say that, Joker?" She said my name with some venom. She more or less spat it out instead of a calm and collected 'Joke-err' like everyone else did.

"I think we both know, Clare."

"What do we both know, Joker?" Now she was grating her teeth. Holy shit, this actually works? Humans really have devolved!

"The reason you can't pull that trigger is because…" I didn't think that far ahead. I paused for a moment, thinking of all the cheesy things I could say. 'We're brothers!' No, we aren't space marines, and she ain't a he. I… I don't think so, anyways. 'You're scared!' Bullshit. 'You love me.' Might work. It's the best thing I could think of.

To make up for my awkward thinking pause, I looked to the left, then the right, before going up to Clare's ear, which caused the laspistol to go directly to my throat. Didn't feel very nice, I tell ya. "You love me." I moved my head back to my original position. Hell, I even crossed my arm. I had to look like I actually believed it.

Clare just looked at me for a couple of seconds. Then, she looked away, and pulled the pistol away. She backpedaled out of the tent, as I normally did back in the good old days when she had an office. How she got out so flawlessly, I'll never know.

I looked at Astok victoriously. "And that right there is how you manipulate people, Astok. Very important skill, trust me." I was becoming its teacher. Astok was gonna grow up to be such a beautiful human-kroot asshole.

"My mother never needed to manipulate people. She just gave them a look, and she got her way." From what I heard of her, I wouldn't blame anyone for giving her whatever she wanted. Fuck dude, this thing probably ATE Grey Knights for breakfast, which Daemons can't even do!

… It probably actually ate a few Grey Knights. Mad respect.

I sat back in my bed for a moment, acclimating myself to the easy life. Sergeant was dealt with all because I said she loved me, which made her leave without a word and now I'm free to do-

Oh shit.

* * *

"Astok, I'm seriously gonna need a few more moments. Go back outside."

"It's been a whole day. When will you stop needing moments?"

"How about you go on a hunting trip? Kroot's gotta eat."

"I do not require sustenance as often as-"

"How about you go on a hunting trip?!" I said with a little bit of a manic tone. I was honestly still thinking about yesterday. Astok, instead of politely turning around and going on a hunting trip, instead barged into the tent and came up to me, a finger pointed at me.

"Or maybe you can tell me what is bothering you. I am here for your physical safety, why not your mental safety?" Oh, it was really testing me right now.

"Or maybe you can piss off into the woods, hmm? That sounds nice, doesn't it?" Astok full on grabbed me by my collar, and holy shit was it strong.

"Tell me what is on your mind." My pimp hand game was strong. At least, in my right hand. And to be honest… I didn't want to die today. I already came so close so many times in the last few days.

"Alright."

"I will hurt you if you don't- Wait, what?"

"Sure. Let's talk, you and me." Astok released me, and I fell back on my head. I didn't land on my pillow, but the hard ground. It hurt, and wanna know why? Those fucking thieves, that's why.

Astok sit down, its legs crossed. I really didn't want an alien giving me life advice, but who else am I going to go to? Dekaff? Lee? Another Imperial who wouldn't understand ANYTHING?! It's infuriating! Oh, that was a good point, actually.

"I don't want to pour all my problems on you, Astok, but you're asking, so here we go. I can't tell literally anybody else because there's a chance they'll suspect too many things."

"Why? Are you doing something bad for a human?" More than you can believe.

"... Yes. I am. But I'm not going to talk about all those things because I already got all that out." No, I haven't. I can't ever let out I'm a worshipper of Chaos until a band of heretics takes over. Well, I guess I'm just a consorter, not necessarily a worshipper.

"Okay… So… Where to begin? In the past few hours, I think I've had a minimum of three encounters where I could have lost my life. Once with a commissar, once with-"

"Oh, my mother was one of those! A commissar. She had the hat to prove it." She killed a commissar?! Mad respect, but holy fuck!

"That's amazing. As I was saying, once with a commissar, once with Clare, which you saw, and then once with this." I waved my stumpy arm.

"It seems you engage in a very dangerous life," Astok, my makeshift psychologist, said. Hey, it even sounds like one.

"Yeah, I do. It doesn't help that it's all because of my choices." I looked away, and stared at the tent flaps, imagining Clare coming in without a weapon for once. That'd be interesting, wouldn't it? Once in my life, she approaches me without the intent to kill me. "See, I'm not very smart. I do a lot of…" I then looked at the ground, thinking of all those times I fought orks in close combat. Those times were few, but damn were they memorable. "Dumb things. Things I shouldn't do. Apparently, I made another stupid choice and-" I looked at Astok, who had a paper on a board in one hand, with a pen in the other hand. "Hey, where'd you get those?"

"Borrowed from the sergeant while you were busy losing your limb. Continue." That was the most casual mention of a lost arm I think I ever heard. I like the kroot.

"Right, so, stupid choice. First time I ever met Clare, I decided to say the first thing that came to mind. I said she had a flat chest." While I paused, thinking of what happened next, I noticed Astok looked down from its clipboard to its chest. Sometimes I forget Astok's a she. "Now, where I come from, that's so unattractive. The fact it was the first thing I said means I insulted the fuck out of her. Then, she pulls a gun on me, asking what I said, and then I fuck up under the pressure and comment on her eyes. I was looking at them, so I mean, it just came to mind."

"Hmmm. So, you insulted her, then complimented her? Is this a strange mating habit of the humans?"

"Mating? The fuck? Nah, that stuff's normal, at least for me."

"Okay, so it is strange." Bitch.

"Moving on, I started hanging out with the sergeant. This whole time, I honestly stopped trying because I was pretty sure she friendzoned me, and you know that kind of relationship wouldn't look too good for her, so I just sorta went along-"

"What is friendzoning?" Oh. Right, alien.

"Imagine a mate. You want to get down and dirty with that mate, yeah?"

"Yeah." Wow, that was way too quick and enthusiastic for a normal child.

"Right, but that mate doesn't want to get down with you. They still want to be around you, but they don't want anything going on between you."

"That's weird and sounds sadistic. Why wouldn't you just-"

"I honestly don't know." Pretty good analysis, though. "Humans are weird. Look, okay, so anyways, I was sure she did that to me, so I naturally tried to move onto the next chick, but that… Didn't really work. Yeah, not going into that. So I just stuck around her. As it happened, being friends was… Alright. She'd say all the things that pissed her off, and I would say sarcastic comments to make her smile."

"I see…" Astok said while writing down things. I'm quite proud that she learned how to write.

"Yeah, and then she got really weird one day out her. Asked me to go out scouting with her or something. Said something like going on a tank together or something? I don't know, it was weird. I guess yesterday was the final straw or something when I made that joke." I tried to think of something else to say, but couldn't find anything.

"Is that all you're willing to share right now?"

"Well… Yeah, okay, that's all." Astok started to look at me, before writing something down on the paper.

"Okay, so what I'll recommend you do… Is to face your fears, go up to her, and say you wish to mate. No fear, no regrets." That's actually stupid. "You don't have to, but it's what I personally think is right." She put down the pen and stared at me.

I breathed in, ready to give my retort and why that is the exact opposite of what this situation, then resigned, and sighed instead. I have one life to live in 40k, might as well make it quick. I got up, and went to the flaps of the tent. "Thanks, Astok," I said, semi-sarcastically. I honestly didn't know if I meant it. I pushed my way out.

I just got therapy from a kroot, and I was gonna do what a kroot thinks is right.


	23. Chapter 23

I could just reschedule this to tomorrow. Or the next week. Or never, that works the best for my life. Or maybe I could stop being a pussy. I already made up my mind, didn't I? I came this far, it'd just be a waste of energy to go back and explain anything to Astok.

I used my pair of balls given to me when I joined the Imperial Guard and opened those flaps. I strode in with confidence, and halfway through, it suddenly disappeared. I felt like I did the wrong thing. I may have just fucked up. That's normal, but this time, I could die.

I saw Clare sitting at her desk, writing on papers. She wasn't in a good mood, and she was doing papers. I've got a survival rate of less than one percent. When I entered, her head didn't even lift. "What is it?"

"Hi."

At the sound of my voice, the writing stopped. Her entire body just seemed to freeze up for a moment. Then, it went right back to writing. I moved myself closer to the makeshift desk she had, which was a munitions container or something like that, and I could honestly feel my death getting closer and closer. "So uh… I just, you know, wanted to uh… Talk about earlier."

She just continued writing. "Yeah, um… So, truth be told, I uh… I didn't know." Once again, completely ignored. "See, I never got the impression that you liked me more than just a friend, you know. I uh… Earth is a very friendly place, so usually it takes more than talking a lot together to show you love that person, and uh…." Being ignored was making this way worse than you think. "So I uh… I was clueless?"

"As usual," she finally spoke out. It was a very, very unpleasant sound. Like she was super mad, but wanted to come off as calm.

"Look, I just want to, you know, apologize for not noticing, or something. Is that why you're mad because I seriously don't know what to do right now, and I can't-" She slammed down the pen, and stared at me with a very furrowed brow.

"Give me a few minutes." She then put her head in her hands, and I felt like shit. Just how much did I do wrong? It was actually a minute before she got her head up. "Okay, Joker? Sit down."

"There's no chair."

"Sit." I decided to do as told. She was my commanding officer, after all. I really didn't like the ground, though. "Let me put it like this: I was worried." And now I get the I'm sorry speech. "I was worried you died. I was worried you'd never come back. And when you come back, you not only come back not completely intact, but tease me like that."

"To be fair, I wasn't-"

"I'm talking, Joker." When am I allowed to talk? Hot damn, dude, she interrupts me so much. "It doesn't matter that you didn't know. It still hurt. A lot. And now, I'm quite upset at you. I go to you because I'm a little angry that'd you do that, and what do you do?" I waited.

"Okay, that was the best thing I could come up with to escape imminent death."

"Oh, was it? Sorry, I guess I must have overreacted. Perhaps I should have killed you."

"Let's not do-"

"That, I know you don't want to do that. Don't worry, I won't kill you unless you do something stupid again." Victory! With a few terms and conditions, but victory! "Joker, I can't get over you. You've always been there for me when I needed to talk to someone. I wanted to be something a little deeper than comrades, in case both of us can go home alive. After all, you know a lot about me, don't you?" I hardly actually listened. I nodded. "So. I said it. You're a lucky man who seems to survive whatever comes his way. I think you'll make it out of this, and I just… I thought I picked right," she said solemnly. Ah ha! There's my chance to try to cheer her up.

"Maybe you did. Maybe all you had to do was tell the guy to clear up any confusion." Clare looked at me with a little twinkle in her eyes.

"I gave him at least twenty different signs." And now I know for a fact they were signs. I'm really stupid.

"He's blind, but not deaf."

"Really? His ability to follow orders makes me question that." Dang, no stopping the punches from being thrown.

"Hey, you gotta be loud and proud about it."

"Fine. Joker, I like you!" she shouted right in my face.

"See, that's not clear enough, just like your orders. Get in formation? What formation?"

"Do you want me to stop being angry at you or not?"

"I don't think it's possible for you not to be mad," I paused. Her mouth opened when I finished with, "-ly in love." Her mouth closed into a little smile. "Gotcha, punk."

"I'm going to hurt you."

"Be gentle. I'm a delicate flower." She smiled a little bit more before saying.

"You are the opposite of delicate! You're-"

Suddenly, the flaps of the tent opened, and I turned around to see Astok. "Did you mate yet?"

"No! Get out of here!" Astok left at my order. I turned back to Clare, who had an eyebrow raised. "Sorry about that, you know how those xenos are!"

"What exactly were you talking with it about?"

"Um… Nothing." I awkwardly responded, hoping to god she wouldn't press harder.

"What kind of nothing?"

"The nothing nothing. Pretty common stuff to talk about with an alien, really."

"I don't think 'mating' is any kind of nothing." Astok will pay for this.

I got up off the ground, and bowed to Clare. "That's all, folks!" I backpedaled right out of the tent. I actually didn't do it perfectly, and had to adjust myself on my exit.

"Joker!" was all I heard as I left, walking back towards my tent. I then went into the tent next to it. Dekaff was in there.

"Hey, if the sergeant asks, I'm not here."

"What?"

"She comes in here, asks you 'where is he', say 'haven't seen him' or something." And thus, I covered myself in supplies in the corner of the tent. At least that's settled.

* * *

So, back to the exciting life of Captain Joker, the medical crew came by a few days later. They knocked me out and gave me a robot arm. Like, they cut off the rest of my arm and just replaced the whole thing with robot stuff. It was pretty sweet.

My fingers were particularly nice. You'd expect these things to be clunky and not work properly or as well as the last arm did, but damn, this thing was great. And the best part? I couldn't feel any strain from it when lifting things. Maybe that's the extra strength thing biotic things give?

The one problem was that I couldn't actually feel anything in my arm. No nerves there anymore. I couldn't tell if I held something, which sucked. Of course, this negative was outweighed by the sheer fact I had my right arm back. Everything felt right.

Stop. Don't you dare make a joke about it, or else I will pretend to get offended. Oh, also, Clare got me a meltagun. I gotta admit, it was pretty hot.

I wish that was the end of this rather up and down week, but nope! One last thing happened: An Imperial Navy ship arrived unannounced to the planet, landed troops, and caused a storm of miscommunication. Clare hogged the vox caster and yelled a ton. For example:

"Who are they again!?"

"You just said they weren't rogue traders!"

"What do you mean this isn't a transport ship?"

"Those aren't ours?!"

And the list goes on. Apparently, mixed signals were given due to one of the guys reporting having some sort of mental breakdown. He was changing his mind so much, I thought Clare was going to have us get ready to go over and destroy him.

Speaking of us, we were all gathered around. Everyone was super confused, concerned, and curious, but me? I was highly amused. This is the kind of shit I expected from the Imperial Guard. Things had gone so right until this one moment.

Eventually, Clare put down the vox and glanced at all of us. "Xenos. Get ready to go." She then picked up the vox and said, "We're close and coming to help." She put it down and went back into her tent.

Me, I had everything on me already. Except my helmet. Those fucking thieves. I expected something to go even worse, and it seems xenos had taken over this guy or something. Eldar, maybe? They'd be… Horrifying to fight. Mind-fuckery and colorful shurikens. Sounds like a perfect acid trip.

Once everyone was suited up, we all headed out at a jogging pace. The sergeant knew exactly where to go, which I honestly expected. I just followed along, occasionally kicking pine cones. I tried to step in every puddle, as well. I found it fun. I don't exactly have an Xbox, so I had to find some way to enjoy myself.

I looked down at my side and saw Astok, who was also kicking pine cones. Astok had a little lasgun with a big ass knife, and I had my meltagun. We were basically an unstoppable force. All we would need is my boy Kharn. Speaking of which, where the fuck did he go? I just forgot about him all this time because I couldn't hold anything and never needed a weapon. But seriously, where the fuck is he?! Astok should carry him, now. That'd be awesome.

Missing Kharn, we got to the scene of the crime eventually. There were Cadian-style guardsmen with dark purple armor with red on it pointing guns to our guys. That was the first sign that heresy was present. Dark colors? Red? Yeah, okay, buddy, we get it, you worship the chaos gods.

"Drop your weapons!" Clare yelled. The guardsmen all pointed their weapons at our group.

"This is Navy business! Drop your weapons!" It would seem we have reached an impasse.

"Navy? What kind of captain interferes with the guard!?" She barked back.

"Captain Arachphro!" Astok seemed to fucking bolt upright at that name. Oh, so it knows who that captain is? That's good. Probably a debt or something.

"I want to speak to your captain!" The guardsman looked off to the side for a bit before turning his head back to us. He seemed to have loosened up a bit.

"Uh… She isn't available right now." The sergeant paused for a moment.

"Can we approach?" Clare shouted. His head turned then went back to us. He put his gun down.

"Yeah, we're just about done here." I like that guy.

Everybody, except for me and Astok, kept their weapons at the ready, waiting for any funny business. We all closed in on the dude, and found at least twenty more going through the camp. They weren't taking anything, they were just looking for something, I think. A fugitive, maybe?

"Where is your captain?" Clare asked the guy up close.

"With the sergeant, asking questions. I don't think you should interrupt." Clare looked around for a moment then saw a larger tent.

"Everybody on me." We all ganged up around her, slowly going towards the tent. As I got closer, I started hearing some hyperventilating and something talking very calmly and alien-like. Oh good. A Slaaneshi captain. At least, I think so, anyways.

Clare bursted through the flaps, and I followed up right behind. What I saw inside was a really sweaty sergeant and a… Really pale Kroot with a commissar level hat. It also had a cape, a dark breastplate covering it's chest, and plenty of skulls adorning its belt. An aquila was on its arm, like a tattoo.

I then realized it was the man, the myth, the legend. Was this Astok's mother? It sure looked a lot like the description. It peered at us as soon as we entered the room. "Ah, some new faces. Tell me, have you seen a smallish kroot around here? Maybe a kroot village I could search?"

I said instinctively, "Is the kroot's name Astok?" The thing stared at me, and for a moment, I felt a tinge of uneasiness. Its eyes were completely white, yet I could see just a little bit more through them. Now, I'm a bad reader of people, but I could read a little bit about this kroot from its eyes.

"Why yes, it is. Have you seen her?"

Astok popped in at this opportune time and said, "Mother?" The kroot looked at Astok, and I knew that instinct that yes, my suspicions were true. It was, in fact, the man, the myth, the legend: Korak.

Korak stepped closer and nodded. Astok ran over and hugged her, and she returned it. I noticed that one of Korak's hands was a powerfist. It had a flame thrower thing on it and looked a little bit like… Holy shit. It WAS the Talon of Horus, just with a flamer. I… I'm astounded. This thing probably DID kill Grey Knights! I doubt nothing, now. I've seen it all.

Comforting family moment aside, Astok decided to say, "The human right there is Joker. He took care of me and taught me how to read." It pointed at me the whole time while saying that.

And thus, those uncomfortably white eyes once again stared at me. "Thank you so much. Let's go." Korak was still looking at me while saying that. I was honestly confused. I pointed at myself, and then she said, "Yes, you. You're following me now."

"I'm sorry but-"

Clare jumped right in this thing's face, unaware of the badass in front of her. "Excuse me, but he's mine."

Without even sparing a glance, the captain replied with, "You can come along, too."

"I'm not going anywhere! And nor is he. We're staying here."

"I need extra crew," she said very calmly.

"I don't care. We're staying with our orders and if you have anything to say otherwise, I advise you stop before you begin," she showed her powerfist, crushing it a little bit in front of Korak's face, "Because I know where my place is."

Korak pushed Astok away a little bit, and it knew to retreat back. Oh shit, the royal smackdown was going to happen, wasn't it? Dude, I just got her to be happy and not pissed at me again!

Korak faced Clare. Her entire body was then straightened out, making her stand a head and a half taller than Clare. "I am Inquisitor Champion Captain Justicar Chosen Lord Korak Arachphro, Hero of the Imperium and Saint of the Imperial Guard. You have the option of joining my crew, letting him go alone, or dying and not knowing what happens after. I advise you to pick your next choice carefully." What the fuck is with those titles? She's been busy!

Clare didn't even budge a little bit. "You're a filthy. Fucking. Xenos." Is she using my language? Watch your mouth, sergeant, else Korak isn't going to be the only one teaching you a lesson. "You think you're a captain, an inquisitor, a saint, all these things, but you're nothing. You weren't born an Imperial. You can't pretend to be one." Racism. So. Much. Racism.

"The Emperor begs to differ, missy." Oh shit! Xenos just pulled the big E card! "For he is the holiest of mankind, and so I pray for him to spare you from the pain you'll experience if you continue being so narrow-minded. You see, I am Sanctioned. I have accepted the Emperor, and he has accepted me as his hero that he needed. Not an Imperial, not a human, and not a space marine. Just a… What was it? 'Filthy fucking xenos'?" Holy shit, it is the battle of the disillusioned. In this fight, however, there are no winners.

"You? The Emperor? Your head must lack a brain."

"Your brain must lack both sense and faith." Damn.

"I'm not giving him up. I've worked so hard on him." She paused before adding, "And the rest of my squad."

"Join the crew, then. I'm taking him, simple as that. You're free to come aboard and join the Navy." Korak turned to me, and started walking forward, turning her back to the sergeant. She also started dropping back down into the hunch she had.

"No. You aren't taking him anywhere." The sergeant lifted the powerfist and threw a punch at Korak. The thing is, Korak wasn't there anymore. I saw the cape flutter over, and then saw the Talon of Horus zoom past me.

Next thing I knew, the sergeant was on the ground, grasping at her stomach. "Next time, don't strike out at things you don't understand." Korak then looked at all the guys, who I knew wanted to fire, but were seriously frightened. I was tempted to melta her, but… I wanted to see how this would play out. "Welcome to the Navy, everyone. Follow me. I'll inform your commander of your change personally."

Everybody looked at each other. I heard Lee ask, "What about the sergeant?"

"Somebody pick her up, too. Could use her." Korak then made her way out of the tent. Wait, hold up. Was… Was I just impressed?


	24. Chapter 24

I had the honors of carrying Clare over my shoulder. She had plenty of objections, including the fact that I was actually going through with this, to which I replied, "Do you want to die by an angry alien with a powerfist?" That shut her up for a good minute or two before she began complaining again.

So, we tailed behind that Korak fellow. Quite a scary beast, I'll be honest. Everyone else was extremely uneasy around her, and I could tell. Some were quivering, even her own troops. Actually, her own troops seemed more afraid of her than we did. That's understandable, I guess. They've seen everything she was capable, and she did have a commissar hat on.

Wait. Are there commissars in the navy? I asked a guy in dark armor if there were any, and he just looked at me in fear before uttering a very quiet no. I'm getting the impression this Korak fellow was kind of extreme. This did not bode well. I should be safe, right? I helped her kid, right? The kid who… She… Abandoned.

That fact aside, I followed as well as I could. I was lagging a little behind before I heard Clare say, "Let me down. I can walk." I did just that. I set her down as carefully as I could. "I half expected you to drop me."

"What, me? Never," I should have done that. It would've been great. She joined my side as I started to catch up to the group. It was then I realized something. "You seem to be taking all this surprisingly well after taking a blow."

"Don't get me wrong, I am going to kill it. Nothing like a xeno should have any sort of place as a captain of Imperials." Okay, that's it. I'm curbstomping that before it kills her.

"Could you try not being racist?"

"The kroot aren't a race, they're monsters. This one in particular is… Joker, can't you tell there's something wrong with it? Do you not sense that air of danger and disgust around it?" I could tell everyone else felt it. I myself didn't.

"I have eyes, and I've seen literally everyone here, except the kroot, freak out about her."

"Don't give it a gender. Kroot don't have those."

"She's clearly a mother, so I'm calling her a she, not an it." Clare gave me a nasty look.

"Are you treating a xeno with more respect than me?"

"I'm treating the captain with more respect than you." Clare opened her mouth, then closed it. She looked forward, her face as hard as ever. "I think you should just take the whole 'foul xenos must die' thing down a little bit, okay? They're not all terrifying killers of man."

"Okay, hear yourself for a moment Joker. Not all are terrifying killers. Now, take a look at the 'captain'." I did so. Looked pretty normal. I looked back at Clare. "Now, tell me, does that look like a terrifying killer?!"

"I'm sorry, I'm blind."

"I figured," she said with a tone I don't think I liked very much.

"You don't have to tell her to like me, Joker. I don't expect her to," said my new captain. Holy shit, she heard us? Note to self: Kroot are really strong, really scary, eat people, and have really good ears. "I don't think a single human has ever really liked me, not even the Emperor."

"Obviously," said some xenophobe we all know and love. After saying that, I think Korak hunched down a little bit more. She didn't say anything else, though.

"You could try being a little bit nicer," I commented.

"We're being forced into some alien's crew, and you want me to be nice?"

"You have some top notch hearing skills."

"No. I'm not going to treat the freak of nature with any manner of respect." The kroot hunched down even more. How much can it hunch over?

"Miss whoever you are, I think I'll invite you to a walk out on the ship. You won't need a void suit. I know I don't." The fuck is a void suit?

"A walk with you? How about no?"

"I think it'd be a fun bonding experience. Just the two of us, a view of the vast expanse, and no suits to speak of." Oh. Void suits are basically astronaut suits, maybe. Wait, this thing can survive in space without a suit!? Does it even need oxygen?

Clare made a noise of disgust, and I heard a sound that I could only think of as cackling. It was a very. VERY. Creepy laugh. Like, I got goosebumps. Everybody else seemed to get that vibe, except about three times worse.

We continued on our way in silence. Korak kept adjusting her back, and I could see her occasionally looking to the left and right in the forest. It was as if she were looking for something else, or hiding from something. Hella weird.

* * *

We were eventually joined by a group of guys in completely black armor with red clothes underneath. They had imperial and inquisition insignias on them, mixed with smooth spikes. The only way I could describe the spikes was that they looked kinda Dark Eldarish. A white K was present upon their right pauldrons. They all carried pitch black lasguns with golden skulls that had wings. The lasguns, instead of having cartridges, have some sort of tube connecting it to a pack on their backs.

Suffice to say, they looked badass. The thing about them was that they were utterly fearless in the face of the captain. Or at least, I thought they were. They had their faces covered by their helmets, so I couldn't check if they were stone faced. We all stopped to stare at them.

"That is the worst looking group of guardsmen I think I've ever seen, and I've seen heretics," Clare said before anybody else.

"You don't look too hot yourself, girly," I heard a voice say, an echo present in it. Oh yeah, these guys were badass. They had space marine quality echo. That's how you knew they were cool.

One of them, with what appeared to be a more pronounced chestplate, took a step forward and said, "Yeah, what in the Emperor's name is THAT travesty?" while pointing at Clare's hair. Gonna be honest, I gotta agree. Half of her head was shaved, and the other head had drooping hair. What kinda hairstyle is that?

"Captain, are we taking that aboard?" one asked in a joking tone.

"Indeed we are, boys." They didn't fear her. Hell, they acted like they were friends of a sort. Now THESE guys were open minded. I would like them, if not for the fact they were kinda being dicks. That's my job.

"Aww, man. Whatever you do, can you make a rule so it stays away from the bar? I don't wanna mistake her for someone attractive." Damn, dude. Zero chill.

"I dunno…" the chick said quietly. "I think I'd hit it." What. When the hell did 40k get this vernacular? "If I were desparate!" she yelled directly after, getting a load of laughs from the guys. So, lesbians can be assholes to girls, too. Now I've seen everything.

"Could you guys, I dunno, stop?" I asked as dickishly as I could. I spoke these guys' language fluently.

"I dunno, man. She yours?"

"She's my sergeant, if that's what you're asking."

"Nah, I'm asking if you're into her." I paused for a moment, thinking my wording over carefully. "I mean, you'd straight up get in there." He made a whole bunch of gestures along with that phrase. My face felt a flush of heat for some odd reason. There wasn't any sort of heat wind here.

I looked at Clare, who had a fist and a balled powerfist. Yep, she was quite furious. I looked back at the dudes. "Yeah, probably. Ain't got many other options, do I?"

That got a few aww's from the group. "You poor man," I heard one of them say. The chick actually got quite a bit closer to me.

"You know, I think we could fix that. You don't look half bad." It was at this point she placed a hand on me. It was at this point where she fucked up.

The next thing I saw was a damn fist fly past my face into the chick in black armor. Did I say fist? I meant to say powerfist. I heard a huge crunch, and immediately froze up. I didn't want to get hit by a powerfist.

"Get away from him, you whore." This would be the third catfight I'd ever seen in my life, and the first over me. I felt quite honored, actually.

"Knock it off back there. Don't kill each other until we're on the ship. It's free range on there," yelled Korak. Clare stopped and turned to the captain, and the chick was lying on the ground, and I could see blood and little chunks of bones pouring out of her helmet. "Somebody make sure she's alive and let's get moving." She pointed at the dark purple guys, then pointed in another direction. "Go prepare the gun cutters."

* * *

We made our way, on foot, may I remind you, to the camp entrance that I could vaguely remember. I could recall somebody yelling, and a mention of an arm, and that's about it. "Stop!" I heard some guy shout.

"I am here to speak to your commander."

"You aren't doing anything xenos!"

"By the Emperor, you will let me see your commander." Did I mention Korak never stopped?

"Stop or I'll shoot!"

"Just let us pass. You'll live longer," said one of the black armor guys.

I heard the crackle of the lasgun, and a laser hit the captain directly. "I warned you!" he said right after shooting. That's not how it works, dude. That said, I wasn't concerned. Korak was probably the toughest person around.

"Astok, take a few steps away."

"Mom, what is that green stuff?" What?

"Step away." Astok did so, and I think I saw Korak twitch once or twice a moment later. The cape suddenly flew off, and I saw an incredibly emaciated body. Wow, I didn't notice just how skinny she was when I was eyeing her. Even Astok, a child, had more meat on her bones than this mother.

I saw Korak squat for a half second, then leapt. And when I say leapt, I mean she soared through the fucking air. I heard some sort of scream mixed with a bird screech. When she landed, it was on top of the dude who shot her. Poor man. And, as if it couldn't get worse for the dude, Korak moved the Talon over to his face.

I seriously wondered just what she was doing when a bout of flames flew out of the gauntlet. The dude was roasted alive, yelling and kicking his legs as he went. As soon as he stopped kicking, probably signalling he was dead, Korak stopped. She then brought the powerfist back, then smashed it against the guys face, and I could only see his head explode into gore.

I don't have a problem with blood, I'll be honest. But brain matter mixed with a few bits of skull? That shit made me a little woozy. What made it worse is that she picked up one of the pieces of the dude's brain, dropped it into her mouth, and ate that shit. I was starting to see why people were kinda uneasy around her.

Except for the black and red guys, who seemed to be chuckling at the dude's demise. "Tried to warn him," the same guy said.

"Yeah, we all know, you tried to be the hero."

"Well, I did!"

"Shut up, Greg. Even you'd start to think this is funny." What.

"That dude was just doing his job, guys," I said, a little upset at how lightly these guys were taking this.

"Yeah? Well the captain doesn't like people doing their job, especially when it gets in her way." Understandable, I guess. I'd be kind of mad if somebody shot me, even if they were doing their job.

You know, I originally imagined this Korak person as some sort of hero or a massive space marine tier warrior, but now I don't know what to think. In the grim darkness of the 41st millennium, there are no heroes. Oooh, that's a good one! I'll keep that one for a quote later.

So, we all continued through the camp. Plenty of looks were thrown our way, and some guys questioned if we needed help. I could tell Clare really wanted to say "Yes. Kill them," but I made sure to always say "Nah, we're just clearing a few things up." When we got to the tent, Korak told everyone to stand guard while she got business done.

Then she looked at me. "Joker, Astok. Come with me inside." I wasn't going to object. Our commander had a sexy voice, no way I was going to miss out on that. I got right by her side, which… Didn't sit well. Maybe it had to do with the fact she ate some guy's brain in front of me, I dunno. I'm still kinda feeling queasy from the whole brain eating thing. I tried really hard not to pay attention since, you know, it's just a guardsman, but I haven't become completely callous yet.

Korak forced her way into the tent rather aggressively, and I tried my hardest to slip in through the flaps while they were being thrown open. Suffice to say, I got some hard tent cloth slapped in my face. If only I had some sort of face or head protection. Those fucking thieves.

While trying to recover from the whole tent to face thing going on, I heard Korak ask loudly, "Arnie!?"


	25. Chapter 25

Arnholdt looked completely shocked. "Korak? I had not expected to see you again. Ever again." His tone was rather hostile.

"Oh Arnie, I couldn't help myself. I didn't know you were in the area! If I did, I'd have given you a visit earlier." They know each other? Well color me surprised. Don't actually, I like my pale skin.

"Captain Arachphro, I hope you understand I am unable to locate you at any time. I'm very tempted to say nobody can."

"That's intentional, Arnie. I don't want people stalking me and my ship. Last time I let that happen, I ate a load of psychic space marines. They don't go down well, trust me." I would like to think Grey Knights are not the easiest things to eat. If they were, I'd be surprised. I guess with all the Grey Knights Korak has killed, she is very resistant to psykers and isn't a Daemon. Interesting.

Arnholdt shook a little bit, I can only assume in disgust. "The less I know about your antics, the better." His head shifted to the side, and he saw me. "Joker? What would you be doing here?"

"Funny you should mention that, commander," I awkwardly said. I don't know what he'll do if I tell him the thing he's disgusted with is now my new commander.

"Former commander," Korak corrected. I don't think Arnholdt's face changed once at that statement. "I'll be taking an entire squad of yours aboard my ship. I hope there aren't any objections." That statement was iterated with Korak standing tall crossing her arms, the Talon clearly visible.

"You can't actually do that as an officer of the Navy."

"I'm a captain."

"Captains are officers."

"I saved your life. Remember Ferrox V?" The plot thickens. This is the part where they tell me everything, right?

Arnholdt was quiet for a few moments. "Just take them." Damn it! This close to an amazing story.

"Yay!" She actually bounced over to Arnholdt and hugged him. I wish I could make that up. The face he made while being hugged was that of mortal terror and pain. I did not envy him. Wait, would I say envy or be jealous of? I honestly don't know the difference here.

Korak let go and practically charged outside. I joined, albeit at a much slower pace. "Let's go! To the ship!" she shouted, the whole world able to hear her. Well, not literally but, you know, like a metaphor. Or is that a simile? Fuck, dude, there's so much I don't know about English. Maybe I should have paid more attention in class.

So we all jogged out of the camp, trying to keep up the pace with Korak, who seemed to be excited as fuck. I wonder if she hates being on a planet. Bad memories, maybe? I don't know, but if it means I get to be on another giant ass ship, count me in.

We made good progress, and I eventually saw a gathering of ships that looked pretty similar to the ones I came to this planet on. Pretty sweet, I must say. That said, I won't lie; most of my time in space was actually really boring. We had normal gravity, so I couldn't fly through the ship. We had no schedule or enemies aboard the ship, so it was me just lazing about most of the time.

Once again, I got to be in a little ship. I sat down in a chair, and Astok sat right next to me. That was going to be alright, but then Korak decided to sit on the other side of me, being way too close for comfort. I might not have a huge problem with her, but it was like she was trying to test me.

"Your name is Joker, right?"

"Right."

"So tell me a joke." Oh. Well shit, I don't have these things lined up. If I don't come up with something quick, she might get agitated or something.

"My sex life," I said. Self depreciation jokes are always funny, right? Especially when they're kind of true. Or on the mark, really.

My joke elicited a short fit of chuckling from my new captain. It was a funny sound. "We'll need to fix that, won't we?" Oh. Oh no. Interspecies is not okay.

"Captain, I am not okay with-"

Korak laid a single finger on my lips. "Shh… I'm your captain, trust me." My eyes widened for a moment before she bursted out laughing, garnering the attention of literally everyone aboard. Thankfully, Clare wasn't aboard this one, otherwise I'm sure another catfight would result. "You're face was priceless!"

Why is this kroot somehow closer to the humans back home than the fucking Imperials? "Dude, not funny. Can humans and kroot even-"

"No," she said before I finished. "Kroot mate with what you call backrubs." Never touch a kroot's back. Gotcha. "Course, it's a little more complicated than that, but still. Incompatible with your parts." My eyebrows raised a little at her knowledge of this. "And trust me, you don't get as far as I do without trying." My eyebrows now as high as they could be.

"That's uh… Not okay?"

"The humans would beg to differ." Holy shit, this kroot really has gotten around. "Tell me, Joker," she looked around quickly, seeing there was only black armored men in the ship. Huh, I figured at least one of my teammates would have been here. "Have you heard of Slaanesh?" As if for effect, the ship lifted off the ground, and I felt it begin to move.

I know where this conversation is going, and as cool as it would be to say I bagged the captain, I don't think it'd be nearly as worth it as I think. "Quite a bit, yes."

"Ah. Good. Chaos god and all." She got even closer to me, staring at me directly. "It's after me. It'll be after my daughter. I don't know how to stop it, and I need help."

I can do a lot of things. Fight an ork captain 1v1? Easy. Sell my soul essentially to a Chaos god and then badmouth him at every turn? Done that and still doing it. Fuck you, Tzeentch. Get my helmet stolen and only remember it now? Those fucking thieves.

But killing Slaanesh? I don't really believe I can do that.

"I'll… Help you, I guess? I don't know what I can do but-" I was cut off by Korak hugging me intensely.

"Thank you so much. You're just a stream of good, aren't you? Finding my daughter, and now helping me against the great enemy."

Astok actually commented on that bit. "Who's the great enemy?"

"Astok, shush. We do not speak of the enemy." Okay, I think I'm starting to see just why everyone's afraid of her. This bitch is crazy. I don't mean Clare crazy, where she'll kick the shit out of someone or something, no, I mean full blown INSANE. She's got something mentally wrong, and it has to do with Slaanesh. I don't like it.

"So uh… If you don't mind me asking…" I started awkwardly while still being hugged, "What exactly do you have against Slaanesh?"

"My father is dead because of it. I ate him, and am on a quest for vengeance. I met it once in a vision, and ever since, it's been after me with all it can send. I want that god dead, and by my hand, it will happen." More like fist. As in powerfist. Am I right or am I right? Also, did she mention that she ate her dad?

"Well I'll help any way I can. Also, can you let go?" Korak stopped looking at me, looked down, then let go. She shifted back into her seat. A little pause followed. This little pause lengthened out to a long, awkward silence. "So uh… Tell me a little about yourself."

"Where to begin… I guess I'd have to start way back when I was just a little one, being the freak of a little village on a radiated world." Oh, this was gonna be good. So good, I'll have to let you hear about it some other time, Tzeentch.

* * *

When we got to the ship, Korak was just telling me about how she got branded with the imperial aquila on her arm. "Oh, looks like we're here. I'll tell you the rest later. For now, go find the rest of your squad. I'll call you if I need you."

"Call me with what?"

"The ship's vox system. I'll just broadcast my need to see you." That's not embarassing or anything, but when you're a captain, you could do whatever you want. I managed to get a good look at the ship I was going to be on. From the port, I could see the interior of this ship was not the industrial grey of the other one I was one, but more of a slick purplish-black, sort of like a light obsidian color. It had red highlights, and looked hella trippy and kind of evil. Little Dark Eldar style spikes stuck out from a few places, giving me a really bad vibe.

Suffice to say, it was badass and I loved it. I looked around what appeared to be a hangar area, and saw several other ships having my squadmates coming out of them. I spotted a few from the crowd. Dekaff, I spotted almost instantly. He had a certain walk to him that said 'I am a coward' and quite frankly, I could sympathize. I then spotted Clare. I started walking towards her, but then thought to myself an important thought.

'What if she is really REALLY mad and is going to punch something and that something is probably me?'

Now normally, I never listen to myself. But this time, I valued my opinion, so I followed a different path and instead tried to avoid my squaddies. I looked for Korak, or even Astok, but couldn't find them. Quick bastards, I'll give them that.

So I began my long trek to find the door out of the hangar area. Then it abruptly ended with, "Joker!" It was all going so well.

"What do ya need?" I asked while turning around. Clare still looked upset. While she still mad about the whole new commander thing?

"Just a quick question. Joker, why are we here!?"

"Because I'm here and you wanted to keep me."

"Well…" she paused. "Yes, but why didn't you say anything against this?!"

"I feel like you've felt the reason why. I sort of don't want to get sucker punched by a kroot that I'm pretty sure tried hitting on me." To no avail, but still. She didn't have to know that.

"It attacked you?" Her voice was full of concern. Very turbulent with those emotions, aren't we?

"Oh, no, hitting on someone means flirting with them. Well, flirting is harmless. I guess hitting on someone is an attempt to get in their pants." She looked quite upset at the term 'flirting', but was confused on the 'get in their pants' thing. Oh, Imperials. Never change. "Hitting on people is an attempt to… Mate with them?" There we go. Face of disgust. She got that one.

"Why would a xenos ever be interested in that? Especially with you?"

"Ouch. What can I say? I'm a sexy beast."

"Your opinion of yourself, however high, is wrong." Double ouch. "Joker, it's not okay that some random xenos starts… Hitting on you and picks you up into their ship."

"I dunno, I'm a sucker for those expensive giant ships. Think about the dough she's got to spend!"

"I'm honestly not sure if I should be surprised or disappointed with you, Joker. Are you in this just for the money?" That never even crossed my mind. Wait, do we even get paid?! Does the Imperium even have money?

"No, I'm in it for… For…" Why am I with the imperial guard?

"For what?"

"For… The adventure, I guess?" This was followed by Clare facepalming.

"Joker, really. Really. Adventure? Is that what you wanted?"

"I dunno. It entails great sights, and I'm a sucker for gorgeous views," I said, before quickly adding, "Though, I think you already know that." I accentuated my point by checking out Clare. Still the same, sadly. Man, I don't think I'll ever be able to get over flat she is.

She backed up a little bit, her face becoming a little flushed with red. She then stepped up to me, whispering, "Joker, we're in front of-"

"Others, I know. Dude, you aren't a sergeant anymore. You're a crew member."

"I'm still a sergeant in my mind, Joker. And the first chance we get, we're all leaving this ship, and we're abandoning this xenos." A good plan, except Korak is fucking awesome and I feel like I'll live longer around her.

"I don't think I'll join you on that one. I quite like the captain."

"More than me?" She asked. I've had a real problem feeling for others. I really have. The fact Clare has the hots for me has not made it any easier for me to feel for others. If anything, I feel even more disconnected. Like, I'm me, right? Everyone else is grimdark, ignorant, and can't relate worth shit to me. You know how hard it is to care about people? Especially when they can die the next instant, and you honestly have other things to worry about? I tried with Kharn, and I'm pretty sure I misplaced him, and I'll never get him back.

With that out of the way, I responded with, "Maybe. So far, she's been trying way harder than you to get freaky with me."

"That's because it's a freak."

"Getting freaky with someone is not what you think it is." It took her a solid few seconds of staring at me with confusion. Then, her eyes opened. "And there it is."

"That's disgusting, Joker!"

"To each their own." I was not interested in Korak, but teasing Clare is something I'll never pass up on. "Look, I'm tired. I'm going to go find a bed and sleep my troubles away." I wasn't tired, but it'd be nice to know where I slept.

"Oh," she said aloud. She then lowered her voice, probably thinking I couldn't hear, "He's tired, that's why he's talking like this."

I turned around and left. I wanted a goodbye, not a 'he doesn't know what he's saying'. In the grim darkness of the 41st millenium, you can't always get what you want.

* * *

So I made my way out of the hangar, and asked some dude about where I sleep. He then showed me where the quarters were. He then searched, and indeed, there was a room with my name on it. It also had Clare's name on it, but we can't help that, now can we? I thanked the dude, and opened the door.

Inside was a few drawers, a cabinet, a large bed, and a desk. Quite a nice little room, even if most of those things aren't wooden, but metallic. They were all sleek, and had that nice, Dark Eldar look to them. Really exotic. And the bed is-

There's only one bed and I'm sharing it with Clare. Holy shit, things are going to go so bad. As I stared at the bed, I suddenly felt compelled to sleep. Like, I noticed I wanted to sleep suddenly. My good arm started to move on its own, and it grabbed the frame of the doorway. My body started to walk into the room, despite me telling my body NOT to do that. My robot arm was doing what I wanted it to, but everything else didn't.

I was thrown onto the bed by my own bed, and my eyes suddenly were overcome with darkness.

When I next opened them, it was onto a purplish blue ever shifting surface. I looked up to see Tzeentch. I could hear a very angry voice mutter in my head, "Heard you were talking shit."


	26. Chapter 26

"I have quite a great span of patience. But you have constantly said, and I quote, 'Fuck you, Tzeentch.' I can take disrespect, but you think that every day. Do you know why you're here?" Does it honestly matter if I answer? "No. You're here because of me."

"Does that make you special?"

"I'm a god." Of course you are. "Don't give me that sass right now. I demand a little tiny bit of respect for at least that fact. Yet you slander me like every other ignorant Imperial."

"To be fair, I'm surrounded by them, and you've really done nothing else for me."

"I've helped you out so many times, I don't even care to mention them." Keep trying to manipulate me. It's amusing.

"Oh, before you go off on another tangent, do you know about Korak Arachphro?"

"The supposed 'Saint of the Imperial Guard' and 'Hero of the Imperium'? I know of it. Quite the unstable creature. A sad, pitiful creature. I don't believe I've touched it, however."

"Oh. That's nice to know," I idly commented. "So uh… Wanna help her?"

"How so?" He already knew.

"I need to know the location of Slaanesh on a map or something, so when we go into the Warp, we'll be right there to go fuck Slaanesh up."

"You want to kill a chaos god," it said condescendingly.

"Yes."

"I don't think you understand how chaos gods work."

"I do, it's just that Korak doesn't, and I sorta made an agreement where I'd help her, and I fear for my life if I can't help her."

"Valid points. I'll fill you with the knowledge when you awaken. This'll benefit me as much as it benefits you. Although... Perhaps I won't because the knowledge of a god is quite costly." You cheap bastard.

I thought for a quick moment, then said, "Alright, here's the deal. Five minutes, you can do anything you like with me," its grin was splitting before I said, "So long as I look the way I do now and I can continue on the quest to kill Slaanesh." That'll be an epic one for sure. Hey, maybe I'll have my own story detailing how I fought a chaos god! It'd have to have an amazing title, like… 'Servant No Longer', or 'Pure Chaos', or something clever like that. I dunno, something to do with the knowledge of chaos not meaning the protection of one from it. Nah, actually, that's stupid. That 'Pure Chaos' title would do good, though.

"I accept. This is a great proposition! I'll fill you with the knowledge and spend that five minutes all at once."

"Cool," I said. Then I realized what the hell that meant. "Wait, what?"

I was thrown out the doors of its palace, and once again I saw the blueish purpley pink mesh of color I believe is the warp. I think I even saw some screamers zooming through the sky. You know, for a hellish land of complete mystery and murder, it was strangely beautiful. I wouldn't mind casually visiting this place, so long as I had some protection. Wink wink.

* * *

I awoke to the sound of a bass drop. I looked around wildly, seeing the faces of people, some with hats on. Hats that I remember. Hats I hadn't seen in some time. Why are hats important, you might ask? Well, normally, I see people wearing helmets, except for me. Those fucking thieves. But hats? I don't think I've seen one person with a hat!

I looked closer, seeing 'obey' on one of the hats. Oh my fucking god. I looked around, seeing familiar faces flooding to me. All my old pals and slash or people I don't even know. I'd be ashamed if I knew the guy with the obey cap on.

I think I began tearing up a little bit. Of course, I'm a man, so that didn't actually happen, right? Ha ha, right. Yeah. I looked around, and saw everyone was holding drinks and stuff, and the lights were changing colors. Looked like I was at a crazy party. Just like…

I got up from the couch. I knew exactly where I was. I knew precisely what I had to do. I looked around until I saw one person with a head full of blonde hair. Oh trust me, there were plenty like that at this party, but this person had a slight streak of red on their hair. I knew who that was. That blondey.

I approached her, and she turned to face me. She immediately turned to her 'friends' and made an ugh sound. Bitch. Then, she turned around. "Oh, hey Andre! What's up?"

"Nothing much, Anna," I said through some gritted teeth.

"So uh… What's up with the get up? I thought this was a party, not whatever those nerd things you go to are called." I looked down, and saw I was still in my guardsman gear. Which means… This was a dream. Ah ha! Tzeentch thought he could torment me with my former haunts? Well, you bastard, I've got another thing coming. I needed this.

"You know what, you bitch? I'm sick of you," I started.

"What? You drunk again?" Again? Again?! Oh, she knows. She knows full well.

"Sober as the day I was born. You see, slut, I'm fucking done with you and your shit. Kay? Lemme tell you, I've been through some shit. And this whole time, I thought 'Hey, at least there's some hot blondey at the end of the tunnel,' when really, I had no fucking chance. In fact, you dissed me to my face as I was drunk! You remember that?" My hands were balled into fists.

"Uh, Andre? You okay?" Anna asked, her voice not showing any concern. Is this bitch not taking me seriously?

"Oh, I'm completely fine!" I started to see a few people gather around the rim of my vision, but I didn't care. Let them watch. This is my chance! Tzeentch sent me back for this one moment, and I ain't gonna waste it. "But I don't take kindly to you laughing at me, saying harsh things in front of and behind me! In fact, I hate it! I hate you! I can't believe I ever thought you were hot!" I kept shouting out. My volume only got louder and louder as I shouted.

"Andre, you're scaring me," Anna said, finally something in her voice. Oh, is this how I get across to her?

"I'm scaring you, now?! Oh, I guess that means I should stop so you can go back to your friends and tell them all about how I'm a nerd and you're just the coolest cat!" My voice was beginning to strain. "You know, I learned something, Anna. I fucking learned something! It doesn't matter how 'cool' you are! You're human! You can do so much, yet what do you do? You fucking harass me! You go with your dirtbag friends, and you just backtalk everyone! For once in your life, could you do something nice, or at the very least useful?!" I was really letting it out. I think at this point, I was tearing up in anger. I won't lie, that's pretty manly, right? "Maybe you need some sense knocked into you," I whispered. I brought up my gloved hand, still in a ball.

"Joker, what are you-" I let the fist fly, smashing Anna's face, causing her to fall back onto the metal bed. Bitch. Got what was coming to her. I tried checking out my hand, and I saw Clare resting on the floor, grasping the bed. Weird. I focused back on my hand making sure it was-

Oh fuck, I get it now.

I dipped down to Clare, rushing over to her, trying to examine her. The fuck was that for, Tzeentch? I did nothing wrong, then you do this shit!

I began what was going to have to be the best apology of my life. "Fuck, Clare, I am so sorry, it was-"

"By the Emperor, you hit hard. Felt like an ork to me," she rubbed at her jaw.

"Are you okay? I-I had some sort of flashback or-" she put a hand on my shoulder.

"Joker, I get it. It happens to the best of us. This isn't the first time this has happened to me."

…

"You're not mad?"

"What? No! That was a good hit. I'll be able to tell when you're having a scene, now. Who's Anna, anyways?" Um… Mission success? That was easy.

"Oh. Just a… Person." Clare looked dubiously at me.

"Previous enemy?"

"Current enemy."

"Ah. Anybody in the squad?"

"Someone back home."

"Alright." She stood up, still recovering from my slug. "Where'd you learn to hit so hard?"

"When you get hit by orks on a frequent basis, you learn to dish out what you take."

"That wouldn't matter so much if you didn't put yourself in so much danger," she said, probably thinking she was full of logic and reason. Little did she know, I was prepared for this.

I let out a small chuckle. "Clare, I'm a man made for danger," I finished in a pose.

"I bet Anna would disagree," she said in a joking tone. I dropped my pose and looked at her straight in the face.

"We don't talk about Anna anymore, okay?" I did not want to think of blondey. She was the worst kind of scum. When you were talking to her, she was on your side, but as soon as she was away, she'd backtalk you just to look better.

"Whatever. If you wanna be a girl about it, fine." I thought gender equality was a thing in the grim darkness of the 41st millenium. Oh well. "By the way, I'm still upset about this. I am going to get you back some time."

"You're going to get me back for having a fucking flashback? Dude, I thought you were supposed to be a professional sergeant!"

"I'm a crew member right now. I can do what I like," she said with a grin. Fuck, she had a point. But like a sword to spear, my point was better.

As I opened my mouth, the intercom thing sounded out all over the ship, and I heard Korak's voice say, "Joker, to the bridge." Then, she repeated that one more time. The vox, I think it was called, stopped after that.

"Welp, wish I could stay, but the captain wants to see me."

"Right. Bye, Joker," Clare said. She might have been a little sad to see me go. I don't see why, I just fucking decked her. Maybe she likes it rough? That's weird.

* * *

When I got done asking people around, I eventually found myself in the bridge. I was before a door with two guards in that cool black and red armor outside the door. I tried to pass through, but then one asked, "Joker?"

"Yep, that's me."

Another voice said, "You're free to enter, cutie." It was feminine, and I think I recognized the girl from before. Ew.

I went in, and before I could get a proper look around and try to look for Korak, a man grabbed me with a robotic arm, just like mine. He had a scarf covering the top of his head, and was staring at me intensely. "Are you Joker?" he asked.

"Why, yes, sir. That's me."

"Good. I am Albertus Magilious, just call me Albertus. I'll be your conduit from the… 'Captain' to you." The way he said captain wasn't very respectful. This guy's voice was also partially robotic. I looked closer, and saw a large portion of visible 'skin' on one side of him was actually metallic.

"Oh. Cool. Can I see the captain?"

"No. The captain has no real authority. I shall be the one controlling your mission. Now, I asked the xenos what is was it needed you for, and it said you had a plan to defeat a… God."

"Yes, sir, I do. I'll tell the captain if you'd just-" I tried to get past this guy, but he moved right in front of me. In fact, he was on a little disc thing, in a chair. Dude, this was the coolest Stephen Hawking ever.

His face got extremely close to me. "Did you not listen before, you peasant?! The 'captain' is not in control here! Perhaps you're confused, but that thing is no 'hero of the imperium' or an inquisitor by any stretch! It has no power whatsoever, and I'd-"

"Albert, are you harassing my human friend?" I heard the voice of my hero say.

The disc thing rotated, and I saw Korak walking towards me, hands behind her back. "No, captain, I am not."

"Good. You'll have to tell me about Ricard again later."

"Yes, captain," the robotic voice said, sounding incredibly annoyed, like that techpriest I met. He then floated away, letting go of me. Yes, I mean floated away. I think I saw some Inquisitorial insignias on his little disc thing.

"Joker. Tell me, do you have a plan prepared to take on Slaanesh? I will not be upset if you do not at this time." Here goes. This is the start of my epic battle against chaos. I better start it off on an epic line.

"Actually, I do." Nailed it.


	27. Chapter 27

I told Korak where we'd pop into the warp in front of Slaanesh's palace in the void, so she bounced off excitedly, leaving me to my devices, which involved me going back to my quarters. Where Clare was lying on the bed.

Now, bear in mind, we never slept together. I explicitly slept when Clare didn't sleep to avoid any sort of weird stuff. After all, sharing a bed with someone was intimate. Probably. Now, I'll admit, I did say 'hey, let's be friends', and basically, she admitted her feelings to me, but that didn't mean I entirely returned them. After all, I still had a whole bunch of things to solve about my life and to think about. I wouldn't be here forever, so what's the point of getting in a relationship?

I mean, I'm still D.T.F., but I don't think that's what Clare's interested in. Well… I could ask, but it'd be awkward. Also probably heretical. To be quite honest, I'm surprised a commissar hasn't shot me yet.

That said, I was staring at her lying on the bed. She pried her eyes off some papers she was staring at, and looked at me. "Something you need?"

"Probably."

"Tell me when you know what you need," she said, looking back at the papers. What was so important about them?

I entered stealth mode, walking slowly and quietly over to the bed. Clare's eyes followed me wherever I went, signalling that she was in a state of caution, but not detection. I then jumped onto the bed behind her, trying to stare at the papers. She stared at me, hiding the papers by her hips.

"So whatcha reading?"

"You could have asked me without acting like a fool."

"Yeah, but this is more fun," I replied, a silly grin on my face.

"It is," she said, lifting the papers a little bit. "I'm just reading something I've been writing up in my free time." Please don't tell me it's some sort of fan fiction involving eldar or space marines. Those are the worst.

Okay, so maybe I did more than just play the game. I'm not a nerd, okay?! Fuck off, Tzeentch.

"Lemme see it." Her face blushed a little bit.

"Um… Well, I mean, it's not very good, and-"

"Dude, I'm not gonna crucify you if it's bad. I can't make up a story worth shit." It's true, I ain't one of those creative types.

"Well… Okay. I can give you a quick summary, before you read."

"Sure," I said, not trying to expect anything.

"Okay, so, I'm really boring, right? All I do is write stuff. Well… I thought, what if I were some sort of hero of the imperium?" Oh god, it's gonna be one of those stories. "And then I thought, I know exactly what kind of hero I'd want to be! I always heard about our lords, the Adeptus Astartes, and I've always wanted to be one!" You missed the coin flip at birth, I'm afraid. "And then I thought about how there was no such thing as a female space marine," she started. Unless you're a Slaaneshi marine, that's true. WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE.

"Please don't say it," I whispered.

"So I made a little story of a what-if scenario where I'm the first female space marine!" She said it.

"What a topic," I said as deadpan as possible.

"I know, it might seem improbable, a guardsman like me ever being like our lords, but just think about it. Doesn't it sound enchanting?" Wow, she was really into it. "And then I was thinking about my space marine driving a Leman Russ instead of a Rhino, you know, a real vehicle."

"Wow, that sounds amazing," I deadpanned.

"You think so? Go ahead and read!" Please, don't do this to me. I know very little about space marines, but they can't be females. Who am I to squash 'creative freedoms', though?

So I read a little into it. It was honestly ridiculous. I looked at her a few minutes after starting. A smile formed on her face. "Okay, a few problems," and then it disappeared. "One, the way you start this out is just so… I don't know, weird. It's like you expect the reader to know everything about the character from the get go."

"Well, you're supposed to figure it out as you read," she tried rebuking.

"Yeah, but I mean, you practically say nothing about the character in the first few paragraphs. It's basically just a boltgun shooting at something that isn't established. It's very detailed, but I'm lost."

I thought I hurt her feelings when she looked down, a frown on her face. Then, she looked at me, determined. "I'll write it better, then. I'll take your review into serious consideration," she stated.

"Well, I'm still gonna read this every now and again," I said, albeit begrudgingly. I know I really shouldn't be so harsh on her, but damn dude, you can't have female space marines and expect someone like me not to flip the fuck out. It made her smile, which made me feel better. I then realized we were both on a bed together, resting comfortably. I got up and looked around. "Welp, I better get going. Captain said something about meeting me somewhere." I got up from the bed. "See ya."

"Thanks, Joker."

Man, that whole conversation felt strange for some odd reason. I know it was probably just Tzeentch, but I felt like I broke down a wall that people were watching us from behind. Weird.

* * *

So, I ran into Korak while she was stalking around the ship. And I mean stalking, she was crawling on the walls, trying to blend in and shit. It actually worked pretty well on me. Of course, I'm still kind of capable in the 'vision' department. Now, here's the thing: I never detailed Korak's story because you already know all about it Tzeentch. But I decided to entertain you again, you little god, you.

I went over to her, and began a conversation after not screaming like a scared little girl. "Hey, Korak, I've been meaning to ask you about Ricard. Who was he, exactly?"

"Mr. Victris? Oh, he was just a human. But not any human! He was with the rogue traders… Like me!" Her voice was more flowery than usual. Still gravelly and bird-like, but definitely more cheery when talking about Ricard Victris.

"I know that, but uh… Why do you talk so much about him?"

"I like him, duh. Have ever since I was just a little kid," she said, before sighing wistfully. "I remember when I was just eleven… Ah, good times." She was eleven when she met the rogue traders.

"Right… So what exactly did you like about him?"

"What was there not to like? He had a quiet, killer demeanor, and had eyes kinda like mine! Everyone else was so freaked out when they looked at him, but me? I liked looking at him. Reminded me of my dad." Who she ate. "Not only that, he had two bolt pistols, one in each hand, and had a great hat, kind of like mine!" Her silence was enough to tell me there was nothing else she could think of.

"Anything else?"

"Nope. That's why I love him, and he's my most favoritest human." Mmhmm. Love. Not infatuation.

"So, you've been looking for him for how long, now?"

"Oh right! I didn't tell you everything! I've been looking for him for about… Eighty years now? That sounds about right." Eighty fucking years?!

"Ricard's a human, right?"

"Yep."

"How old was he when you first met him?"

"He appeared to be in his thirties, in terms of human age. Why?" 110. Yeah, no, he's dead.

"I think Ricard is dead." Korak's eyes widened slightly. They seemed to be moving around, darting about, looking at the room.

"What? No! He can't be. Not after how long I've looked. He's probably just hiding somewhere."

"No, he's definitely dead." Korak whipped around, an even more crazed look on her face.

"Ah ha, no. I have several theories! We just need to prove them. I figure the next sixty planets could have him! I found Astok, why can't I find Ricard? Huh? Explain that, human!" She was grasping at straws, I think.

"Right, so take a normal human. Lives to be about seventy or eighty. Ricard would be approximately one hundred and ten, making him one of the oldest humans in the universe. I don't believe he'd live that long."

"He would for me, damn it! He'd have to!" she roared. Okay, pissing off the angry bird lady was not on the agenda. I better stop and start agreeing with her. "I know Ricard! I know him! He… He would shoot his age in the face and keep going. That's what he'd do. Then… Well, then he'd go chasing after Lex. I know he hated him. I heard him whispering his name in his sleep, and nobody told me anything good about Lex. Ricard, he's just…" She dropped down onto the ground, her knees crossing. "He's around. I know it. I know him," she finished, her voice croaky.

"Well… If what you're saying is true, I guess he would be still around. Maybe finding some other friends would help, huh?"

Korak looked up at me. "Alexander," she blurted out. She then got up. "Albert knows him! I just need to ask him!" She then began pacing. Her eyes were still darting all around the room. "Alexander would know where Ricard is. They were best friends. They were always best friends. Maybe… Maybe Dorian. Dorian. Dorian, I need him. I need him. They were best friends. Always best friends, yes," she began to dip into some manic state. She began hyperventilating a little bit.

"Uh, captain?"

"Best friends. That's what they were, right?" She grabbed my shoulder, staring at me while towering over me. Her grip was incredibly strong. "They were best. Friends. Tell me, Jimbo, do you ever think about the humans?" She stared at me intensely. My name wasn't Jimbo, but uh…

"Yes."

"Of course you do, you're one of those… Servitors! So strange, you are." She let go, turning her back to me, going over to the wall, dropping down into a crouch. "I don't much like servitors. Jimbo, that doesn't mean I don't like you. You know more about how I feel than you know, you know? To be the only one here of your kind." She then dropped her head down. I think she was in the fetal position, craddling a little bit. "Well, not really. But you get what I mean. It's hard, being some sort of freak. An outcast. At least you have Dorian. I just want… Ricard."

I tried backing away a little bit, but then she shouted out in the halls. "Ricard! Ricard! I don't want to be alone, anymore! You can come out now!" She was looking away from me, deeper down into the hallway. I looked at the kroot, and saw little bits of water drip from her eyes. I still tried backpedaling.

"Ricard!" she called out once more. I heard some walking coming down the hallway. "Ricard?"

I saw guy come around the corner, his gun ready. Once he saw the captain, his face contorted in confusion. "What in the name of the Emperor is-"

"You're not Ricard," she calmly stated.

"Who's Ricard?" the guy asked.

"You're not Ricard." She stood up, and turned towards the guy. "You're not Ricard," she began repeating. She said it over and over until she stood in front of the guy, I couldn't even see him. I only imagined him cowering. Then, she paused irregularly. "Hi. My name is Korak."

"Captain, I know your name," I heard a terrified voice say.

"You're not Ricard," she said one last time before I heard screaming. Korak disappeared behind the corner, and I could only see the guy trying so hard to stay where he was, clawing at the ground. He was dragged off, yelling bloody murder as he went. Eventually, his screams disappeared.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Remember when I said something was wrong with Korak? Man, I should have followed that intuition and left her the fuck alone. I stood in the hallway, alone and completely terrified for my life.

Perhaps I should just remind myself of what the hell she was talking about.

Korak essentially was part of a group of guys with 'the rogue traders'. We have Alexander, Dorian, and Ricard Victris. She didn't know the last names of those first two. Apparently, Albertus knows Alexander. But, basically Alexander was a guardsman. Like, completely one hundred percent guardsman, according to Korak. He just liked to keep a lot of things. She described how he hauled around a huge case of weapons and tried to take everything with him wherever he went. She said he really liked souvenirs.

Dorian was a Psyker from what I gathered. Wore a weird hat, had weird powers, had a weird fetish with pineapples. Really, that's all I gathered from her about him, other than she didn't like him much.

Ricard was another one of the rogue traders who essentially used dual bolt pistols, like a complete badass. He was really quiet, and had a lot of problems. Korak somehow likes him.

And Korak lost her fucking mind somewhere along the way. All in all, a story that's way better than mine. I looked down at my robot arm at that thought.

It didn't have to be better than mine, though. I clenched my metal fist, and looked up. I was going to fist Slaanesh so hard. Wait, not like that. I mean, like, with my fist. I was going to punch him. Yeah! That. Ha, saved it.


	28. Chapter 28

There I was, eating my processed food. The ship was still, many men were sound asleep, which was just fine with me. I was alone in my room, when suddenly, a knock was at the door. I shouted, "Come in," and the door opened to quite the sight.

I wish I could say it was a half naked babe, but nope, just Dekaff. Not even the good coffee. He steps further into my room, finding a place on the wall to rest on. I was on high alert since this could easily be another illusion by Tzeentch. He began simply enough, "So uh… How's it been going?"

"It's been alright, how about you?"

"I have been well," he said while staring at my hand. Or maybe my food. Either way, rude. My eyes are up here, buddy.

"So what brings you around these parts?" I asked, direct and to the point.

"I just felt like we haven't really… I don't know, talked. In a while."

"Yeah, I haven't really seen you around the ship."

"That's not what I meant. Joker, you and I used to chat every now and again, but ever since you got that… Xenos, you haven't been talking to me much. I kind of feel…" He seemed to be searching for the right words.

"Left out?" I suggested.

"Yeah, that. I understand, you've been getting caught up in some strange business, and I'm just another guardsman. I don't really think we matter as much as the primer would have us believe," he said with some form of sadness. Shit dude, when did Dekaff get so real?

"Well, I'm adventurous, dude. I get out there and do things, and I guess you just stay in one place," I said, trying my hardest not to sound like a dick.

"Yeah, and hold the line. I actually listened to the sergeant. I always figured you two were hitting it off, but for her not to execute you that one time you ran off?" he chuckled before continuing, "You've got a lot of bravery."

"It's called stupidity," I corrected, "And I've got a whole lot more where that came from."

"Are you gonna lose another limb?" Dekaff asked.

"Might do, yeah. I need something to teach me not to disobey orders." We shared a little laugh. "Anything interesting happen on the guardsman front?"

"Not really. Everybody's adjusting to the whole navy thing we now have. This ship is so informal, so strange," he paused, "I don't like it."

"Why not?" I could understand why, but I wanted to be amused.

"Do you ever feel like there's something going on around you that you don't know about?" Less than you think, but it's still there. "I get the creeps on this ship. In the middle of the night, I heard screaming, and clawing. A haunting voice kept repeating something, and I knew it wasn't some sort of nightmare."

"Yeah, that was just the captain."

"Wait, what?!"

"I was there, dude. Saw the whole thing."

"You saw the captain make a man scream? What is it, insane or something?!"

"Something like that. I think I made it mad, but I'm sure it's not that big of a deal," I said, trying to get away from the topic of Korak and her apparent problems.

"That's a huge deal! It'll come after you next, and what're you going to do? That thing took las shots directly and was unfazed." I pointed at my melta gun, a grin on my face. "Okay, fair point, but hot prometheum isn't going to save you if you can't hit the thing. It's so jittery and weird, and in such close quarters, you could hurt yourself more than it."

"Dude, don't worry about me. I'm good," I emphasized by giving him a thumbs up.

"No, you aren't. Look at that hand," I did, and saw it was my metal one. "You aren't going to live if things go bad. You've already gotten a chunk taken out of you." Is that what my arm is, huh? A 'chunk'? "I'm just looking out for you. I know things are so dangerous and you think you're used to it, but take it from a proper guardsman that you're going to die if you keep going the path you're going."

"I ain't a proper guardsman, huh?" I questioned, rather upset at that statement. "I think I merit the title 'guardsman' more than anybody in the squad." I blinked before saying, "Or used to be in the squad."

"So what? Doesn't matter when the xeno you trusted turns around and rips you in two," he quickly blurted, and I could feel how agitated he was getting at how lax I was being about all this. I'm fine, aren't I? Things have gone fine ever since I got here.

"I have a good feeling about this xenos."

"That should never come out of the mouth of an imperial."

"Well maybe I'm not an imperial," I said, not thinking for a second.

"Then what are you? An ork? A heretic?" Fuck. Have to get him off the trail.

"I don't know!" I yelled at him, standing up. I pointed a finger at him, and proceeded to say, "What suddenly made you the veteran of all things imperial guard-y?"

"The fact I'm still alive after all this mess."

"Okay, now tell me, what has hit you?"

"An ork slug, right to the helmet, though I think you remember that. That's it because I learned from that day not to take any unnecessary risks." Oh yeah, he was the binoculars guy.

"Well, I've taken three or four ork fists to the face, took a grenade, probably took a few bullets, and I had something take my arm away, I don't even know." Dekaff looked at me, rather surprised.

"What are you made of?"

"I'm a man. I got skin, muscle, and bone," I started, before he stopped me.

"Look, Joker, I'm just concerned for you. Take things slow is all I'm saying."

"Whatever. I'm going to die anyways, so it might as well be glorious," I pouted as I sat back down on the bed. I then saw the mess I made by standing up. All my food was splattered on the floor. "I fucking hate life."

* * *

Dekaff and I spoke for a good hour or two. Maybe time's irrelevant in space. Tensions definitely died down. That was a nice moment. When Dekaff left, I began to clean up my mess. Then, my door opened again, but this time to Astok. I was kind of done with people today. However, Astok just came in, sat down on the bed, and waited for something.

I honestly don't know what, so I just cleaned up my mess. Once I was done, I found Astok staring at me. I moved around a little bit, and her head followed me. "What?" I asked after what felt like an eternity.

"Mother is weird," was all she said. She then proceeded to pluck the fanfiction Clare had been working on, and started reading it. I was about to be all like, 'hey, don't, you fucking brat', but for one, that's rude, and for two, I think she was trying to hide from her mom. Hey, I want to, too.

So, I sat down next to her, reading along. It was a weird experience that was spent in utter silence. It was several long, reading moments before she quietly said, "This is strange."

"Very much so," I replied.

"What's a space marine?" she asked.

"Just a man in armor with a big gun," I replied. It wasn't far off from the truth. I wasn't about to waste my breath saying 'bio engineered super soldier with the finest armor with massive pauldrons and miniature automatic rocket launcher'.

"Oh okay," she responded before going back to reading. I laid back on the bed, letting the time pass.

Then, my door opened a third time for the day, and I heard a familiar voice exclaim, "Xenos!"

I immediately got up, and said, "Woah, Clare, don't shoot!" I put my hands up and waved them around. Astok looked completely unaffected, seemingly taken by the fanfic. Didn't seem that captivating to me, but hey, to each their own.

"Why is there a xenos in here?!" She entered the room, fists apparent. She looked surprised for a second before stoning her face once more, saying ,"And why is it reading my story?"

"It wanted to, dog. Just chill," I said, attempting to reach some sort of peace in the room. Astok looked up from the papers, and then put them back on the desk while staring at Clare.

"I'll take my leave, now." Man, she was a lot more formal than usual. She then got up, heading straight out the open door, and it closed behind her.

"You think she's afraid of her mom?" I asked.

"I don't care whether it's afraid or not, it was a xenos that you let read my story." Not having any of it today? That's fine.

"Well, gotta get your thoughts out there somehow. You weren't planning on letting only me read it, right?"

"You were supposed to be the only one! Everyone else would have told me it would have been stupid, and I trusted you. Then what do you do?"

"Jesus, here we go again," I commented. How many times has she used that 'then what do you do' line on me? Honestly, it's not even a proper question. It's fucking rhetorical.

"You let a stupid xenos read everything I wanted to keep secret, and now it's going to get out, and everyone's going to-"

"Dude, that's the point of art. Get it out to people," I started.

"But the-" She began. Let's see how you like being interrupted.

"And another point, we're being led by a xeno, in case you didn't notice, so aliens are going to be a normal thing. Better get used to them and stop disrespecting them."

"But the-"

"And also, the fact that that was the captain's daughter makes it twice as important. She'll probably tell the captain, or maybe another important crew member. And that same captain's daughter is a xeno. And don't you even think about sleeping with the captain's daughter! I may not know the specifics, but that's usually the worst thing you can do."

She waited a good few seconds after I stopped. "You done?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. So, as I was saying, I don't want this specific piece to get out. You have a point with the whole art thing, but this is just a draft."

"What a shame, can't help that, can we? Nothing's perfect." She mumbled some sort of agreement to that. "Oh well, at least like eighty people are going to know. Whatever, you'll be fine."

She started to freak out, and I knew it was my time to get the fuck out and possibly run. "Joker, that's terrible! Why did you even let it- hey, wait, where are you going?" I was heading straight to the door, and I opened it with a push of a button.

"Huh? I'm not going anywhere," I blatantly lied as I backed into the hallway. I turned my body and booked it down the hall. I wasn't having any of that shit. Honestly, it'd be more 'but it's not good' or 'I'm not ready' kind of stuff. Like, dude, it's a female space marine fic. You messed up the moment you wrote it.

* * *

I found myself aimlessly wandering through the halls. As I was walking along, I spotted a hallway that didn't have working lights. I decided 'fuck it' and went exploring. Down the dark corridor, I went, as if in some sort of horror flick.

As I got through it, I looked around constantly, my eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness. I spotted a lone light at the end of a hall that branched off the one I was in. I proceeded towards the light. I better not be dead because this is a clever way to make people go towards the light.

As I got closer and closer, I made out the outline of a door. Closer still, and I started to see claw marks all around the door. Every bone in my body was telling me 'nope'. And you know what? Curiosity killed the cat.

Thank god I'm a pussy. I turned my ass around and went in the opposite direction. Didn't expect that, did ya, Tzeentchy-poo?

Of course, nothing goes according to plan. I bumped into something in the darkness. I looked at what it was, and saw a dark eldar-ish pattern. I took a quick think, and looked up to confirm the worst of my fears.

I saw two pale eyes looking down at me. "Howdy," I said out of no fear whatsoever.

"Hi," she responded.


	29. Chapter 29

I would like to say my trousers were completely dry the whole time, and there were no piss marks on them at all in this particular instance. With that out of the way, I was a true manly man who ever was a man and said in direct response to the utterly not scary bird monster, "So w-what's going on?" My voice is clear of all stutters and voice cracks.

"Nothing much," she said. Her voice was monotone. "You seem to be lost."

"Yep, I guess it definitely uh…" I looked around for somewhere to not escape to. Because I didn't need to. Because I was a man. "Definitely seems like that." Fuck.

"Joker, right?"

"That's me!" I spat a little too loudly. It was to intimidate this totally harmless looking monster. Not because my voice keeps cracking or anything.

"I have something to show you." I felt something grasped my shoulder. That was all I had before my entire world turned around, and I saw the door with claw marks all over it.

"Hey, that's pretty cool, but I think my room was in the opposite direction," I quickly said, still fearless. Korak then pushed me, still keeping her hand grasped on me. She pushed me closer to the door, and I could hear her heavy plods behind me. "Hey, that room seems off limits, so I'll just go the other way if that's okay with you, okay buddy?"

"No, this room is completely open. Nobody's in it right now," she replied, the second sentence really strangely spoken. Once I was in front of the door, she practically smashed her fist on the door button. The door opened slowly. Like, very slowly.

And I got a very good view of some dried blood stains on the floor. Paint was scratched off. Other strange liquids were present, including some really strange iridescent green goo that seemed to have leaked onto the floor. All in all, my 'nope' meters are off the fucking charts.

Then, I got an excellent view of a chair with straps, several tables with weird, sharp objects on it, bundles of syringes upon counters, green-goo filled containers, and several other strange devices with straps. If I had to guess, this was a torture room. Or a crackhouse.

"Now, Joker, we don't explore the darker parts of the ship," she said darkly, her voice ringing in my ear. It was as if she was hunched down, ready to nibble one of my ears. "Bad things happen to those who seek darkness."

"Yep, I think I got the message," I said as bravely as possible, then felt her grip disappear, and the door slammed shut. Being spared from the gruesome sight and of the tight grasp of my captain, I turned and fucking ran. I sprinted. I booked it. Whatever you want to say, I got out of there.

"Good," I heard reverberate in the dark halls.

* * *

We stopped at a port after a week, or what felt like a week. The weird part about this ship, besides the obvious xeno torture undertone, was that we utilized warp travel rarely. Every ship I've been on has two different ways of travel: void and warp. Warp was way faster, but some guys were on edge during it and occasionally there were daemons or something. I've only met one, and it was pretty alright.

Anyways, we got to a port, and the captain let us know we had three days to relax. I wasn't about to let this opportunity pass up, so I got my melta gun and my armor minus helmet. Those fucking thieves. I asked around for where we left the ship, and soon, I found myself outside the vessel.

And boy, the sight was grand. It was basically a city with an overall medieval appeal with several large metal things poking out of it. There was a tall spire in the middle. I saw other ships docked, too.

Overall, pretty cool. When I got off and officially entered the port, I honestly didn't know what to do. Why the hell did I get off the ship? What is there to do? I went through a long corridor, and found myself in a little place with a few people walking around. There seemed to be little stalls set up, and a single guy who looked like Judge Dredd was overlooking the area.

Being the boring guy I was, I decided to turn around and hike it back to the ship when I ran into somebody I knew. "Joker, there you are! I didn't find you in the room, so I assumed you were already off," Clare said while coming up to me.

"Well here I am. If you had been one minute earlier, you probably never would have found me."

"What a shame that would have been," was her response. Sarcasm was not my forte, but I could detect it from a mile away. "What do you wanna do here?"

"I honestly don't know, dude."

"I don't either. I've never been on a port," she idly said. We began walking together into the port city thing. "Well, I've been at one, obviously, but I've never really left the ship since I always had paperwork or was stationed aboard."

"That sucks, dude," I replied. An idea popped up into my mind. "Wanna go on some sort of quest to solve something?"

She looked at me with a very disapproving stare. "A quest." Her voice was very disapproving, as well.

"A quest," I replied.

"And what would we be solving?"

"I dunno, illegal shit. Gang stuff, dude," I tried to say as cool as I possibly could.

"Why would we deal with gangers when the Arbites would deal with it better than us?"

"Okay, dude, think of it like this, right. We're not guard, we're more or less random crew guys for a ship. So, here's the thing: We're allowed to weird stuff and get away with it." Her disapproving stare only got worse.

"It doesn't feel right. I think I'd have more fun on the ship." Wow, she was no fun at all.

And I'm okay with that. "Sure. Let's go, then." I turned around, but she stopped completely.

"Wait, really?"

"Well, we don't know what to do here, so why not spend time on the ship? It's a lot less dangerous."

She took a moment of silence before following me. "I agree with you. Let's spend some time together on the ship." She had a small smile on her face. Of course, I am nothing if not attentive.

"Woah, together?" Her smile got a little deeper. I know it sounds horrible, but I want it to dip down a little bit just so I could make it better. "I dunno, man, I told this one chick I'd chill with her."

"One chick? Who would that be?" She asked in a knowing tone.

"You know that one in the black armor back on that one planet?" Extremely vague, but it'd suffice. She looked at me incredulously.

"Her? Really, Joker? Really?"

"What, do you think this is a joke?" Clare completely stopped in her tracks, and I followed suit like a good sheep.

"Her."

"Eh… Well, I guess there's somebody more important to me I could spend time with," I sleazily said. Clare's little smile came back. "The captain definitely seemed lonely."

"Joker, stop teasing me," she said, her smile a little bit wider.

"What?" I asked, a joking tone in my voice, "I can't help it, those xenos, man. Irresistible."

"That's the talk of a heretic," she tried to say seriously.

"What're you, an inquisitor?"

"I'm Inquisitor Clarissa. I'll have you burned at the stake for that kind of xenos worship," she said with a masculine voice.

"That's pretty hot."

"What does that even mean?" she asked.

It was gonna be a good three days.

* * *

This was gonna be the worst three days. Let me elaborate: Have you ever been in the middle of something fun, but then life knocks at your door and, if you don't answer, you die? Yeah, that happened to me. Clare and I were just chatting it up, and the intercom says, "Joker, to the bridge."

So I get there as quickly as I could, and what happens? I see Korak, Astok, and some random guy all standing there, looking ready for combat. Astok has what appears to be Cadian guard flak armor on her chest, and a chainaxe. Korak had her everything. The random guy has a helmet on, a scarf around the helmet, what I think is called carapace armor, and a silk cloak over it. In one hand is a laspistol of some kind and in the other, a god damn power sword. It actually looked Eldar-ish. AP3 is still pretty nice.

"What is this?" I asked before anybody got a chance to say anything.

"We're going on an adventure!" Korak exclaimed.

"We have business to attend to is what the captain means to say," said the guy in armor. His voice was quite familiar. In fact, it sounded robotic, and not just because of the helmet.

I decided to take a stab at it. "Albertus?"

"The one and only," his monotone voice said. "You are to accompany us, Joker."

"Why me, again?" I asked.

"I like you," Korak explained.

"The captain likes you," Albertus said at the same time.

"Hey, you don't have to say everything for me, Al. I'm a big girl!"

"You're a xenos, and imperials don't like xenos. I'll do the talking."

"But I'm a Hero of the Imperium!"

Albertus sighed, an awful sound. "I know, sir, but they won't care for that."

"I met the Emperor and everything! I got a tattoo, and I have a hat. There is no reason why they should view me as anything but a faithful Imperial." Back up, what? Met the Emperor? Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but this kroot is insane, right? So if that's any indication, she hasn't actually done that. I could be wrong, however.

"Sir, it's because you… Look, I can't explain it all here."

"You always say that!"

"And you always forget to ask me later."

"But you always say you don't want to talk to me unless it's business!" Korak sounded much like a child.

"And asking me about Imperials and Xenos relations is not business."

"So I'll never have that answered?"

"No. Now, our mission is awaiting us. Let's go." Albertus took one foot in front of the other, and I saw fit to join him there. His head turned towards what I could only assume was my weapon before looking back towards the exit. He stopped next to me, then said, "I don't like melta guns." The plot only gets thicker, I swear. And I feel so left in the dark!

"Care to elaborate?" Time to turn on a light.

"Has Korak talked about Dorian?"

"A little bit."

"He's my best friend in this universe. Melted half of my body in order to slay a daemon. I didn't like melta guns from then on, and still don't." Shit dude, that's deep.

"So you guys aren't friends anymore?"

"I told you that he is my best friend," he replied. Either Albertus really doesn't have friends or he is secretly a really chill guy. I'm voting on the former.

And thus, we all left the ship, looking like quite the mish mashed group. I never got told what the mission was about.

* * *

"We demand entry to the holy Ecclesiarchy's cathedral here," Albert yelled at some guy.

"You have foul xenos in your company!"

"They are sanctioned, you old fool," Albertus replied.

"What does it matter? This is holy ground of the Emperor!"

Korak busted in with something I honestly didn't expect, pushing Albertus to the side. "Love the Emperor for He is the salvation of mankind. Obey his words for He will lead you into the light of the future," Korak knelt before the old man. "I ask to seek that light, as I have been, holy priest. I mean no disrespect upon His holy name, as I am unworthy to speak it."

The old man was aghast for a solid minute before moving off to the side. "Honour His servants for they speak in His voice," the man said quietly.

Korak got up, and said just as quietly, "Tremble before His majesty for we all walk in His immortal shadow."

What the actual shit, dude. A xenos was entering a holy imperial church. It seemed the few people inside that caught a glimpse at the entrance were in utter terror at the entrance of us. I was in tow, so I had a pretty good view of the whole thing.

The room was huge, and there were benches that people were sitting at. A few were staring at us, of course, but most were turned towards the altar that rested in what appeared to be the middle of the room. There were three other sections of the place that mirrored the section we were in. The whole place was ornate and quite golden.

Korak stopped halfway into walking towards this altar in the middle. A man was kneeling before it. This was no priest, I could tell. What I could tell was that he had some strange aura that rubbed me the wrong way. Don't get me wrong, I try not to hate people the moment I see them, but this guy was unnatural.

Korak whispered, "Ricard?" The name bounced off the walls of the cathedral, a ghostly effect. The man kneeling over seemed to hear as he straightened up. "Ricard?" she asked once more, louder.

The dude turned around, and he looked hella old. I'm not going to lie, I saw wrinkles upon wrinkles, and a white as fuck mustache resting on his face. He was bald, too. He stood, and I got a better look at him. Two bolt pistols rested upon his hips.


	30. Chapter 30

I readied myself for some serious exposition and explaining, as is necessary for any big meet up. You know, what the person has been doing all this time. "What are you doing here, Korak?!" Ricard shouted. Our party approached regardless.

"I came looking for you, Ricard! I've been looking for so long because I needed you," Korak said, her voice sounding so whimsical compared to its normal grittiness. Do bear in mind that there were still little bird sounds in her voice which sort of ruined this big moment.

"For what?" We all were now in front of him. Korak came up to his face.

"To kill Slaanesh," Korak responded. Ricard's eyes widen, and I could see some of his wrinkles on his forehead get even more visible. It was frankly disgusting. I don't really like old people all that much.

"Korak, you- you're eighty years too late! I've already been with the Ecclesiarchy, trying to get some sort of penitence for what I've done, and all that's left is for one last crusade."

"Let's go on a crusade against Slaanesh," Korak interjected.

"That's not how it works. I'm on a holy mission, not whatever fantasies you have of somehow killing the unkillable. I'm past my days as a rogue trader, Korak. Maybe it's time you move past them, too."

I think I heard something physically snap inside Korak. It was that bad. "Ricard, I've come a very, very long way." She paused for a moment, probably expecting a response. "I didn't come this far along to get turned down."

"Even if I wanted to go with you, Korak, the Inquisition would hardly allow it. I've been so useful to them in tracking down xenos and heretics alike that they would never let me out of their sights."

"Well ain't that a shame. You're coming with us, Ricard," Korak said in some sort of monotone. Whereas she was more than happy to meet this guy before, all manner of inflection, happiness, or emotion left her.

Albertus stepped up. "Ricard, perhaps you should listen to the xenos. I would advise not angering it."

When Ricard's head turned to Albertus, he looked surprised once again. "Albertus? I thought Wintersbane had you in her stead."

"Not after this thing turned up. You shouldn't anger it."

"I know I shouldn't, but I have to. It's my duty to the Imperium." Korak started dipping down so that I couldn't even see Ricard's face anymore.  
"I am a Hero of the Imperium. Your mission with me is far more important than anything the Inquisition can promise. We are going to slay an abomination, and here you are, refusing to go against it. Maybe you're the heretic from within the Imperium fears so much." The monotone was still there. And god damn, dude, talk about being burned.

Ricard said nothing in response. Who did speak out was a female voice that had a German accent. "Ricard, we are off to inspect the port before leaving. You are required." Because of the size of the room, the sound bounced off the walls and I couldn't tell where the chick was.

"I understand, Sororitas," Ricard called, still hidden by Korak.

Korak straightened her back, then looked off in a direction. Does she have echolocation, too? Maybe she just saw whoever said that. Whoever did say that shouted out, "Xenos in the cathedral!"

A series of things happened in the next moment. Korak rolled behind the altar, Albertus dropped behind a bench, a loud bang rang throughout the church, and people started screaming.

I saw a little explosion on the altar, and immediately sought cover in the form of a bench. I decided to check my meltagun and made sure I actually had it loaded. You wouldn't believe how often I forgot to load it due to how nothing happened and it was more of a prop anyways. Fun fact: Meltaguns don't have a safety mode.

I heard another two booms in the time it took me to dip behind the bench and check my weapon out. Christ, I think that was a boltgun. Well, bolter for short. Really, does it matter? I know being specific is really nerdy and all, so I guess I'll just call it a bolter from now on.

"She's got a boltgun!" I shouted. Damn it, I already fucked up.

"I noticed!" shouted Korak. My perception is nowhere near hers, I'm aware, but maybe Albertus didn't-

"Yeah, kid, it's pretty obvious," came a metallic voice. I realized I was in the presence of eighty year old, at the very least, veterans of rogue trader-ing. They most definitely knew what a bolter was and sounded like. "Joker, engage her. We'll go after Ricard."

"Uh, excuse me? How the fuck is this," I emphasized by showing my meltagun to him, "Supposed to beat that?!" I pointed over the bench, and a convenient boom rang throughout the church.

"Surprise me," was all he said before running off down the aisle of benches, staying ducked down behind the cover. I looked to where he was going, and Ricard was high-tailing it out of there as Korak was pinned behind the altar.

I had my orders, as vague as they were, and knew that I had to make it happen. I got up from my little corner and ran to another set of benches. Well, I say I did that, but I got interrupted by some random running old guy. His surprised expression was enough to tell me all he wanted to do was pray.

I knew I could have pushed him out of my way and saved a few seconds, but instead I looked at him pleadingly. "Go," I said, waving my hand. He ran on past me, his old bones probably getting some much unwanted action. Once he was out of the way, I saw just what I was up against.

It was a woman in slim power armor and a bolter. Essentially, a female space marine. I'm supposed to beat a space marine. Kay. I looked down and saw what I had. I looked back up with a little more enthusiasm. If I could just get within about eight feet, this bitch is dead. In fact…

I straight up sprinted up the aisle, trying to look like a guardsman who was there to help the bolter babe. Hey, that's actually a pretty good phrase! I'm coining it as my own. I had my meltagun raised up high, pointing it at the xeno.

Korak seemed to clock in with what I was doing and immediately put her hands up, causing the bolter babe to stop firing and have a confused look upon her face. "I got you right where I want you, filthy xeno!" I shouted, making it obvious I was on the babe's side.

To be honest, she didn't look all that bad. Short black hair with a very narrow face. I could get behind that accent, too. I then realized I was checking out my enemy. She asked, "Why are you here, xeno?!" Maybe ask isn't the right word. Question is more fitting.

"Well…" Korak began. I gave her a thumbs up, and she whipped around. She dropped into a crouch and leapt away. The bolter babe noticed this and looked ready to fire.

I, however, knew just what to do. I tried to fuck over her aim by moving her bolter off to the side with my meltagun, as if they both were spears or something. I didn't have an absurdly long knife, so this was a bit pointless. On the bright side, it made sure she couldn't shoot me.

The bolter cracked out a shot, and I think I might have become partially deaf from that one shot. I brought back my meltagun and then tried to bat the bolter out of her hands. Knowing it was probably a space marine chick, it probably wouldn't work but-

The bolter flew away from her hands. Holy shit, that worked. She stared at me with surprise before what I could only describe as utter hatred. "That's something only an ork would do."

"Yeah, so wut, ya git?" I said as orky as possible. I had my meltagun pointed at her. "You'z at da end of a gun. Might be a good time ta give up!"

"You disgust me," was all she said, her voice as acidic as possible. Her armored hand came over my fucking barrel and whipped it off to the side. Hell, she tore the meltagun out of my grip and threw it off to the same side as the bolter. The pull was insane, and there was no way I could have held on without falling over.

"What the shit?" I instinctively asked out loud before I felt nothing but pain in my stomach. A force accompanied the pain, and I was blasted back at least a foot. I saw an armored leg as I fell backwards. Note to self: Never get kicked by power-armored people, especially when you don't have good armor.

I was quite used to getting knocked down, so I got up again by rolling over onto my stomach, which was still reeling. I then pushed myself up. I didn't expect my enemy to still be the same distance away from me.

I also didn't expect her to have a gargantuan fucking knife. That thing was a straight up sword with how huge it was. My face was aghast in terror. After all, that thing could gut me.

"Yield, and you'll die not as a heretic, but as a repentant soul," she said. So at the stake or by the knife. Gotcha, buddy.

My response was a middle finger. "Fuck you, bitch," I said, trying to match her hateful way of speaking. I was going to die, wasn't I? I should just run. I could just run! To be honest, I probably did my job already.

Then again, she would just pick up the bolter and shoot me in the back. So basically, I was going to die. Would it be less painful being blown apart or being sliced open? I wouldn't trust her aim to hit me in the head. I don't think Tzeentch is even protecting me, so that's off the table.

The bitch roared furiously as she charged at me, knife raised high. I backed up, and it came down uselessly. I wanted to smack her, but then the knife came back horizontally. I brought myself back once more, just barely dodging the blade. She brought the knife back up, and I felt that I couldn't back up anymore unless I wanted to fall over and get fucked over.

I was in a losing position. I can't beat power armor. I can't beat a cheating bitch with a knife when I have nothing. I can't take a hit because my only armor protects my chest and shoulders, but as it fucking happens, my head was wide open. Those fucking thieves. I can't fucking fight this whore. I was going to die because I was just a single guardsman.

I raised my arm up in defense. I already lost one, why not lose the other, huh? Wasn't going to live to see it replaced anyways! And the worst part is that I don't even fucking know how I lost it in the first place.

The blade impacted my arm, tearing the fabric of my coat with ease. It stopped on my arm, and I could see sparks fly off my arm. The force brought me down into a more secure position, ready to repel that power. It was then I remembered I had a bionic arm.

"What?!" she gasped. I used the power to reflect the knife, throwing her off balance. I took advantage of this by shoving her even more with my arm, thinking that the bionic enhancements probably included some sort of strength. They better have.

As it happened, it worked. She was thrown onto the ground, and I tried to grab the knife away from her with my free arm. It really didn't work, and the knife came flying at me from her compromised position.

I used by metal arm to prevent damage, and used my brain for once. I tried to disarm her with my bad arm and I quickly found the knife in my hand while she was on the ground. Why call it my bad arm when it's so useful? Shit, I'm calling it my good arm from now on.

So this situation came to be in just a minute. "Give up, I got your weapon!" I shouted. It's better not to fight her and risk my death further. I know that power armor is some strong stuff.

"Never!" she shouted, struggling to get up. I think she was growling. She really didn't like me, huh? Well, I didn't like her, either.

"I'm serious, give up or I'll kill you."

"Do it, then!" she shouted. She was actually started to get up. Her face was still full of that hatred. Well, if anybody needs to know, she asked for it.

I gave her a good slash with her own heavy knife, trying to get an unarmored bit, also known as her head. I wanted to shave a little hair off, you know? Give her a little something to think on. Maybe cut the top of her head.

As it happened, she raised her face just as I was attacking, and I felt something far worse get sliced by the blade. She fell backwards, her hands covering her eye. Her screams rang throughout the church.

I almost dropped the knife. To be frank, I didn't like hurting actual people. I feel like I've been here before. She interrupted my inner turmoil by slamming her fist on the concrete ground, yelling once more at me. "End it already! As a servant of the Emperor, I fear no death! End it!" I brought up my knife, dropping into a defensive stance.

She brought half her body up, looking at me. I stared at her face, half covered by her hand. Drops of blood came from the bottom of her chin, staining her armor. "Let's try this one more time," I began, "You've lost. Give up!"

Her hand came off. I saw a bloody mess over half her face. Her eye was cut apart, and crimson had been sprayed all across the slash I gave. "No! The Emperor watches over me this day, and He shall grant me rest!" For fuck's sake, dude. I really couldn't.

She dropped down, covering the wound once again, going back to the whole screaming thing. I looked behind me, and saw an open door. If there were authorities like cops or something, they'd be here soon. Hell, I'm surprised a Judge Dredd hasn't passed into here.

I backed up. I turned around, and began walking towards that open door. "What?! What are you doing?! Finish me, damn it!" she shrieked. I started to pick up the pace. "You coward!" she howled. I was on the final stretch. I began sprinting.

As I was nearing the exit, I heard, "You are the worst excuse for a man I've ever seen!"


	31. Chapter 31

I found Korak and company a fair distance away from the church. The huge crowd surrounding them helped me find them. One of the Judge Dredds was looking over the scene, yelling and pointing a lasgun at the kroot. Said kroot had restrained Ricard.

Albert was attempting to talk to the Judge, albeit to little success. I tried to push my way through the crowd, saying things like "Sorry," "Excuse me," and my personal favorite, "I'm with them."

As soon as I made headway and managed to get inside the little circle made by the people, I was greeted with a lasgun and a laspistol. The laspistol lifted, but the gun did not.

I felt something push me from behind, and I turned around, ready to shank a bitch. I had a swordknife, and I wasn't afraid to use it.

For the most part. Tzeentch, you tell anyone, and Slaanesh won't be the last god to get fucked up. Wait, shit, no, not like that!

Anyways, the bitch I was ready to shank was just Astok. I felt like she grew since the last time I saw her. She gave me some sort of weird facial adjustment before saying, "Nice knife."

"Thanks, bud," was my response. I swivelled back around and saw the barrel of a gun shifting between me and Astok, who started walking past me.

Man, I wish I was that gangster. She just didn't give a single one. I decided to follow her example, hoping the officer would shoot the differently colored person first. That's how it works, right? That hasn't changed, right? Albert finally said "We're rogue traders," which made the cop immediately lower the flashlight.

The dude seemed to talk to his radio thing, and then yelled to everybody there was nothing to see there. Rogue traders are so privileged, I'd think they're a bunch of elitist white guys who bought a ship. They probably are, knowing the human race. Or maybe that's just America. Me: I'm assuming 30 now. USA: Nothin'.

I assessed the scene around me. Dispersing people, two aliens, an old man being manhandled, a police officer on the case, and a guy with a xeno blade. Pretty awesome, all things considered. Usually there's one or more weapons pointed at me. The man with the power sword began approaching me.

"You made swift work of the Sororitas. You impress me, Joker."

About that… "Yeah, I'm a grizzled… Uh, veteran," I said while flicking my fleshy hand off to the side. "Piece of cake, really." Please don't bite me in the ass, please.

"Mmhmm. Joker, go take the young one back to the ship. We'll handle Ricard."

"Gotcha, sir." I gave a quick salute before going up to Astok. Only to realize she was gone. "Fuck," I said out loud. Where to look first?

* * *

I'm gonna be honest, I didn't know where I was going. I was lost. I'll be the only guy who will freely admit he's lost. That's a valuable trait, ladies. But here I am in this place, completely lost and unaware as to where the fuck anything is. I felt like a toddler.

Thing is: I could be stuck searching forever. What if they leave me? Oh fuck, what would I do? I don't have money. I'm not selling my body, though I won't refuse any chicks who offer. How do you get a job here? I don't think there are any job applications in the grim darkness of the 41st millennium.

I had long since stored my knifesword on my pack, looking like a really cheap sci-fi hero from a bad Japanese game. I hated it but it was an easy way to carry around the swordknife. To be fair, with my luck and longevity, I'd probably fit the description of those heroes easily. I can see it now, honestly. 'Just an average soldier versus a god!' At least the knifesword doesn't look too bad.

"Hey, buddy, you lost?" asked a voice. I looked around and saw I was the only guy in this particular street. Oh my fucking god, I was gonna get mugged. It's moments like this where I wish I had my meltagun.

"Why yes, good sir, I am," I said out loud. I looked towards the one place I didn't look and saw like three guys in an alley. I really do hate life. "Do you know the way to the port?"

"My memories a bit hazy. Wish there was something to unclog it," said the dude in the center of the pack. Now looking at them, they really did look like the worst degenerates. Two had a massive underjaw, and the other one had buck teeth. One had an eyepatch, and another had a bandana across its head. Vests and coats were their choice of attire.

"Me too."

Another guy piped up. "Last time I checked, money was the thing to make him remember things."

"Is that so? A shame I don't have any." Not necessarily a lie. Hoping they take it and leave me alone.

"Yeah? No money, huh? Well, shiny things is second to that." His grammar, though.

"Huh. I don't think I have shiny things either."

"Then what's that on your back, huh?" One of them barked.

"Yeah, it looks shiny."

"I think that'd work."

"Should do it," they all started saying while closing in on me. See, if I were a helpless person, I'd say 'no please don't!' then proceed to back up into one of them. But I am a strong independant woman who don't need no man. Well, not really, but I'm a dude.

I drew my swordknife, ready to cut somebody if it came to that. "Yeah, no, that's mine. Sorry to break the news, buds. How about we all go home in one piece?"

They all seemed to back up immediately. Then, they all got out bludgeoning weapons. Pipe, stick, wrench, those things. "Give us that stupid knife!" one demanded.

"Fuck off," I replied.

"You got one chance, dirtbag," another glowered.

"Same for you, asswipe," I snapped.

That was the final straw, it seemed. One of them started approaching me, but then I heard something scraping a wall or something above me. I checked real quick, and saw something falling from above. "Oh shit, ninja!" I shouted.

"Wuh?" the dude looked up, stopping his charge almost immediately. He then shouted as I heard something rev loudly. I witnessed the thing that was falling come down on the dude, and I saw blood begin flying.

My vision adjusted to what I was witnessing. It was Astok, with her chainaxe, splitting apart this poor dude. I saw bits of skull and brain fly to the walls. The guys behind immediately started running. I could see the bulky head of the chain axe making its way through the guy.

I took a few deep breaths and looked away from Astok. The guy might've tried to break my bones, but holy fucking shit. This is brutal. And trust me, I've witnessed orks. And you know the worst part? This dude probably had a family. A starving, poor family that just wants to get along in life, and now they can't.

After hearing the revving and cutting stop, I could hear sloshy sounds. I almost retched, and just wanted to be done with this. I found Astok, my job is done. I wanted to go back to the ship. You know what? Fuck the ship, I'd like to go home. Or some kind of home. That one planet with the spiders, the one I started on, honestly I'll take either if it meant I didn't have to be on the ship with a bunch of psychopathic aliens that have no qualms with ending my fucking life.

After witnessing just what these guys could do, I could relate to the Imperium's hatred for xenos. I never thought it was that bad, yet here I am, in a blood soaked alleyway, now staring at a birdman thing grabbing a stomach and shoving it into its mouth with no care in the-

"What the fuck, dude?!" I shouted at Astok. She stared at me with half of the stomach hanging out of her beak mouth thing.

"What?" She looked up, gulping down the stomach with a few clicks from the beak. Then, she looked right at me with her pale eyes. I could have sworn they were more colored a few days ago. "Gotta eat."

I couldn't take her morbid ways that much. It was different with orks. It was different with spiders. It was most certainly different with daemons. But I could relate with what she just ate. I could feel for the dude who was now being feasted upon. A huge surge of uncomfortability raged through me, like second hand embarrassment except more painful.

I turned away from the side, saying, "They need you back on the ship. When you're done, tell me." I walked away while she muttered some kind of affirmative. I wandered some way, I wasn't even sure where. To be frank, I couldn't feel where I was going.

It's not that I didn't know where I was going, it was more like I had to get somewhere. But thing is: I felt awful for even moving. I don't know what the fuck was wrong with me. I kept looking at my leg. I kept thinking about that one guy I killed. I think it was a fair bit better and more dignified than that guy in the alley.

Lights flashed around me as I wandered. The world didn't really agree on whether it'd be moving quickly, standing still, or being blurry, so it went for a mix of all three. It felt like it, anyways. It looked like it, too! I didn't know the flow of time, and to be fair, I didn't much care.

I eventually rammed into a wall I didn't see coming up. I fell flat on my ass, a minor pain in my flesh arm. I wanted to rub it, but I don't think a metal arm is good for that. "Excuse me, are you okay?" a voice asked me.

I looked above me and saw a woman with a pretty face staring at me with what appeared to be concern. Wish I could've seen the details since it was still hazy and blurry. Truth and logic stole my voice. "No, I'm not."

I saw she was actually pretty much just a hand and a head. She was looking out a door. Seemed I was in a poor neighborhood because that looked like a pretty shitty door she was behind. Plus, it had a knob, one of the first I'd ever seen in this universe. And that's door knob, not ork nob. I've seen plenty of those.

The door opened up a bit more, and she began dragging me inside. As much as I wanted to put up a fight, I really couldn't right now. I was still light headed. She closed the door while asking, "You need medical attention?"

"No, I'm good on that front." I think I've had too much medical attention. My arm would attest to that.

"Then why aren't you okay?"

"I just saw someone eat someone." I didn't call out the alien part. She gasped, and came up close to me, placing hands on me.

"Have you been in the rough part of town?"

"Apparently. I'm new here, and I hope I'll be gone in a few hours."

She thought for a moment before asking, "Are you a navy man?"

"Hell yeah," I said as confidently as I could.

"Well, mister navy man," she said, tracing a finger on me, "I think I know just how to make you feel better." Something was wrong here. I don't think this was a proper imperial.

"And what would that be?" I asked as blindly as I could.

"Let's just lie you down, and you can find out," she chimed with a sultry tone. She pushed me to the ground, placing herself over me. Yeah, this was most certainly a Slaaneshi cultist.

The perks of being a closet heretic. Hell yeah.

The door busted open, and I could see a very lean figure in the doorway. "What?" she yelled in surprise. I could feel the cock block. Pain was all I felt.

And there, in the doorway, was Astok. "You blue balling fucktard!" I raged.

"Let's go," was all she said. The cultist looked at me in confusion.

"You're with that thing!?"

"No, that's just… Uh… Well, I mean, yes, but-"

"Get out!" she roared as she got off of me. I think she even kicked me while shrieking, "I ain't having a dirty xeno lover like you in here!" I see even Slaaneshi cultists have standards.

I made my way out while being harassed for being anywhere near an alien. Once the door slammed shut and we got to walking, all I could do was fume. I made a little distance with my fingers while hopelessly saying, "I was this close, man," I made the distance smaller and brought it closer to Astok, "This close!"

"That close to what?" I can't believe I have to explain just what she interrupted. It was going to be a lovely, heretical moment for me to enjoy and for Clare to never hear about. It was going to be fantastic. But noooo, Tzeentch has it out for me just because I may have called him a fucking degenerate who deserved to be gunned down in the streets. It was just a joke, man!

"Getting it on," I quickly replied, too upset to really limit myself. She had to grow up sooner or later.

"Why'd you stop because of me?"

"I don't know, maybe because you broke the door open."

"Small details," she replied sarcastically. Holy fuck, she just used sarcasm. Holy fuck, she was using human things. And holy fuck, I think I chuckled.

"Small details? More like all the details!"

"Says the one who couldn't handle a little bit of dinner." I almost got affected by that one. Almost.

"That isn't dinner, that's fucking cannibalism."

"We were not the same species."

"Techni-fucking-calities." I hate 'em as much as I use 'em. I then realized something. "Hey, wait, where the hell did you come from before?"

"Oh, I was just following you from above. I was waiting for you to look up."

You know that feeling like the world is against you? The world is not only against me at this point, everybody I thought I could trust either goes out of their way to waste my time or tries to kill me. Fuck you, Tzeentch.


	32. Chapter 32

I returned to the ship with Astok fine, as she had some really good ability to know just where the hell she was going. I spent a space day chilling on the ship before once again I heard my name over the intercom telling me to get back to the command bridge. Honestly, man, I can't catch a break, can I? I went to my room, grabbed my brand new shiny meltagun, a nice new knife which I traded for the swordknife, and my armor minus helmet. Those fucking thieves.

One thing I thought was of note was how something rumbled in my pants. I checked, and found my phone. I halfway forgot about it because of all the turbulence in my life. I quickly glanced and saw something quite puzzling.

"Just a friendly reminder, mortal: That was only four minutes! -T"

Whatever, Tzeentch. I didn't exactly know what he was talking about, but I forget a lot of things, now don't I? I try to forget things. It's what I have to do.

Anyways, I maneuvered myself to the command bridge as quickly as possible and soon found myself face to face with the captain. She was as grizzly as ever.

"Ah, Joker. We recently got a tip that our ship was next to be investigated by the Ordo Xenos." If I remember correctly, those guys hated aliens. "I wish for you to be here as a representative of our crew."

"Wow, what an honor," I deadpanned.

"I knew you would love it! Rest up here, talk with a few people while you're at it. I think Astok wanted to talk with you," she said before wandering off. The fuck was this, an RPG? I didn't actually think people said things like 'oh, so and so wanted to talk with you'.

I found Astok easily enough, and she just talked about books, the Emperor, how golden and great he is, and how she aspired to become a Hero of the Imperium like her mother.

"I don't think your mom is actually a Hero of the Imperium," I pointed out.

"No, she is. She has a medal to prove it." What.

"Can you show me?"

"Sure." She guided me through the bridge until we found a single door in the back. Astok opened it, and inside I saw lines upon lines of shiny and not so shiny medals. More than half of them looked like they had dried blood on them, and a few even had fresh blood. What is up with this thing and blood? I swear, it's a Khorne Berzerker in disguise.

"That's uh… Definitely a lot. Did she tell you how she got them?" I expected a massive, epic tale that involved her fighting alongside the Ultramarines or something.

"The Emperor gave them to her," was all I got for a response. So, an insane insanely powerful xeno who's an Imperial religous nut. I really should've just shot Astok, honestly. Would have saved me from this fate. She probably killed every person with these medals. Astok pointed at one really big shiny one in particular. "That's her Hero of the Imperium medal."

I backed away from the room, and moved the topic away from Korak's… Accomplishments. The more I learn about my captain, the less I come to admire her. It. Korak's an it now. It's official.

And so, time passed. I talked to a few of the guys in the command bridge. Some had three eyes, can you believe it? Really weird. They said they were Navigators, and that Albertus was the Lord Navigator of the craft. Didn't know that job was based on mutations, I guess. I imagine they'd get along well in the world of chaos.

* * *

The door to the bridge opened wide, and in came a dude in a trenchcoat, followed by a sister of battle that had an eyepatch and a goddamn space marine in black and silver armor. If a man needed a more badass entry, he'd better be the Emperor.

Korak got up, Astok got up, I got up, and Albertus got up. All the unimportant people sat the fuck down so the grown ups could talk. I moved over to Korak, and she was stopped by Albert who whispered, "I'll handle this." I say whisper generously.

Albert was now in front of, who I could only assume, was the inquisitor who was sent to investigate us. That inquisitor said, "Inquisitor De'Altrez. Pleased to meet your acquaintance…"

"Lord Albertus Magilious."

"Magilious. Your exploits have not escaped my ears." His eyes moved up and down Albert, who was in his little lift thing. "Quite the craft you have there. Inquisitorial design."

"A gift from Inquisitor Wintersbane." They started talking about boring shit, and my eyes moved to the space marine. He looked surprisingly bored. I think he was slouching, lazily holding his boltgun. His head wandered here and there. Was this guy a reject or something?

My eyes then moved to the sister. Specifically to one part, might I add. I don't know if the armor is made for the person wearing it, or if it has an adjustable breastplate (literally), but damn. I am not disappointed, and won't be until I can see her outside that armor.

I lingered on that part before moving to her face, checking for any sort of emotion. Sadly no, but that eyepatch slightly adds to her sex appeal. Gotta admit, it looks good on her. She pulls it off well, especially when paired with-

Wait a fucking minute.

I've seen that face before.

Oh no.

I think I hurt that face before.

Oh fuck.

And now she's looking this way.

Oh shit.

Her eyes lit up, and her nostrils began to flare as soon as we made eye contact. Have I ever mentioned I wanted to die? Because that'd be preferable to dealing with this.

A man came up behind the inquisitor, told him something, then pissed off. "Well, it was great to catch up with you, Magilious. However, we must away. Come," he said to his companions.

"Wait!" the sister shouted, "I suspect this ship might have more xenos activity than we think." I don't like where this was going.

"Then what? Assign men to watch over this ship?" STOP.

"I volunteer to personally oversee this ship's flight for a year to try and confirm my suspicions." God fucking damnit!

The inquisitor hmmm'd. "You are very efficient at finding xeno incursions and heresy. Permission granted." This is all a ploy to kill me in my sleep, isn't it? Please let it be in my sleep.

"Excellent. I shall not disappoint, inquisitor."

"You never have, sororitas." And thus, the dude left with his space marine who I think fell asleep. Everybody basically went to their jobs, with Korak going directly to the helm, Albert going to somewhere in the air, and Astok wandering behind Korak.

And thus, the eye contact began once again. She took a step towards me, and I took a step back. Another step forward, another step back. She looked at me suspiciously before stepping backwards once. I amused her and filled that 'classic comedy' move where I stepped forward for that mirror effect.

Thing is I didn't expect her to come full blast at me. I tried stepping back, but I 'accidentally' slipped. PS: Fuck you, Tzeentch. I fell on my ass, and let me tell you, metal floors don't do wonders for the 'feel no pain' department.

Next thing I know, two hands grab me by the collar of my coat, and begin lifting me up. I then grab the grabbing arms, and try to rip them off in vain. After a few seconds, I realized the futility and let them fall to my side.

"You did this to me!" she shouted at me, garnering little attention from the Navigators. Apparently, this shit was normal. I think I accepted my fate at this point, letting myself fall limp. "Maybe I should rip out your eye so you can reap what you sow, you heretical dog." Hey, presumptuous. Correct, but presumptuous.

"Can you at least let me have a ten second head start before you kill me?" I asked, all hope gone from my voice.

"Ten seconds? I should kill you right now!"

"Yeah, but at least with ten seconds, it'll be partially fair, and you'll be able to brag." That got her to think.

Then, I fell to the ground. I adjusted my collar, and brushed off my coat. "Fine. Your ten seconds start now."

Shit. I stopped brushing and immediately fled for the exit. I closed the door behind me, and thought rationally for one second.

Dude, I can't outrun her. She's got power armor! That's cheating!

Then I thought rationally for one more second.

What if I cheated back?

I hid right behind the door, ready to flee right back into the bridge as soon as it opened. Wouldn't you know, several seconds later, an extremely angry power armored female stomped right on through, cursing under her breath. I escaped back into the bridge with her completely unaware.

Ha! Joker: 1. Bolter Babe: 0. Now to wait for the next few moments to pass before chilling back in my pad. In those moments, I think a few hours passed. I took a little nap, and next thing I knew, we were out of port and in the wide expanse of space.

* * *

I entered my room to the sight of Clare undressing. I walked right on past her towards my corner, but not without stealing a few peaks. She had a semi-nice bod, not gonna lie. I just sorta threw all my things into a corner of a room just in case I'd need to grab all my things in a hurry. Speaking of which, I unloaded my meltagun, throwing the canister and the gun into the corner.

"What have you been up to?" she asked.

"Work." I threw my knife into the pile.

"Ah. Then tell me, why am I hearing about some power armored female looking for you?" What the fuck? How fast does news travel?

"Lots of chicks look for me," I replied nonchalantly, turning to face her.

"Yeah, sure. From what I saw, only sluts and xenos looked for you." Not sure if that's an ouch, so I won't take it as one.

"Hey, what can I say? They know what I'm looking for."

It took her a moment to process that. "So you just wanna sleep with the most things you can, huh? That's heretical." What is up with heretics being hated, anyway? Isn't chaos fundamentally necessary for the universe to operate?

"Hey, I said no to the xenos."

"And the sluts?"

"I said no to the xenos."

"That doesn't answer my question." Before I could get in a word, a knock was at the door. Clare moved to the door, but I beat her to it. I was gonna try to leave the situation anyways, so this is pretty helpful! Thanks, whoever knocked on the door.

I opened the door. "Hi, how can I help-" My jaw dropped as I saw the bolter babe outside the room. "You." I immediately closed the door and locked it. "Sorry, I'm not home right now! Come back another time!"

"Was that a sororitas?" Clare asked. Her tone was of complete confusion.

"Yes." My tone was of complete fucking terror. How she found me, I don't know. She's clearly determined.

"What did you do, Joker!?" Now she was getting angry. Angry women both within and without, I see. The enemies of the Jokerium are many.

"I fought her and won!"

"What?!" she exclaimed in utter disbelief. "How?!"

"I used her knife!"

"How does that even work!?" The shouting was making me slightly light headed as I loaded the meltagun.

"I'm lucky!"

"Then why didn't you kill her?!"

"I can't!"

"Why not?!"

"Why are we yelling?!"

"Because you're a moron!" Fantastic. Everybody in the room and likely in the next few rooms was freaking out. Just what I needed. The door was once again knocked on, though the knocks sounded very angry and loud.

"Joker," a sing song German voice rang from outside, "Why don't you come out and repent?"

"Fuck you, bitch, I do what I want!" I aimed my meltagun at the door. Fun fact: I've never shot the meltagun except once accidentally. Even then, it was only for less than half a second.

The knocks came once again, sounding more and more angry as they came. I swear, she was trying to knock the door down. Of course, then an alarm sounded nearby. Yeah, yeah, we know we're causing a scene. It wasn't that fucking bad, guys!

The intercom crackled, and I honestly expected a 'Would whoever is causing a problem in C3 fucking stop? Thanks.' Instead, I got something that was quite a surprise in this day of chock full surprises.

"Eldar ships spotted. Everybody to battle stations."


	33. Chapter 33

"My fury shall wait for now, Joker," came the German voice outside. Woohoo, I get to live another day in the 41st millenium. I decided to go grab my knife while Clare got busy putting on all her things. Halfway through leaving the room, I remembered that I don't actually know where the hell my battle station was.

I elected to stay in the room. Clare looked like she went through the same dilemma. We both agreed to sit on the bed until we heard an announcement for us to go somewhere. A few bumps occurred every now and again, and I could tell we were in combat.

"So, you think we're doing alright?"

"I hope so. The eldar are tricky opponents."

"Fucking elves. Always hated 'em." Gotta admit they were pretty sexy, though. At least, from the top. Don't know much about the bottom half, but don't much care.

"Glad we can share that, at least. Never had much trouble with them, but I've heard from men that have," she explained, "Almost all of them are psykers. Imagine that, huh? A bunch of hideous psykers with lean bodies and fancy stuff." I'm pretty sure only, like, twenty percent of them are psykers. Or at least dedicated psykers. Were the eldar always capable of psychic stuff? You'd think I'd read more about them, what with my fascination with Chaos Daemons.

"I know right? Terrible," I commented. I don't think she properly understood why I hated elves in general. They were always described as 'perfect', 'better than humans', and 'pristine'. Bullshit, elves aren't fucking perfect. But woe is mankind, for elfkind is ALWAYS better.

Fuck 'em.

"I really hope they board us so I can crush some of their pretty heads."

"Pretty? You got weird tastes, let me tell-"

A huge, screeching eruption of a sound rocked the entire room, throwing us off the bed. My meltagun flew out of my hands as I didn't expect the quake. The intercom said, "Breach in C3! Defend at all costs!"

That was right outside my room. I heard plenty of footsteps, including Clare's as she ran for the door. I got my meltagun and followed her from behind. "Clare, hold up!" I called in the hall.

She did, and I said, "Follow me, I think we'll be able to flank them." And thus, she followed me. Whereas everyone went a certain way, and I heard crackles and shots from that direction, Clare and I went a different way.

Just two guardsmen together. We should be fine, right? That's what I thought, anyways. That was until Clare stopped me halfway through our run. She pointed her laspistol at nothing, and I just stared at her. "Dude, what's up?"

"Heard something," was all she said, moving forward slowly.

Suddenly, my pants rumbled in the pockets. I quickly checked, and I saw a text from Tzeentch. Fuck him. I put the phone away quickly. I moved up to Clare, but suddenly my leg hit something and I tripped. This happens way too fucking often, I tell you.

Suddenly, the thing I tripped over seemed to colorize into the world. It was a green thing with chameleon like armor. I saw the helmet and instantly knew it was an eldar. It had a long chainsword. "Oh fuck!" I shouted as the chainsword began to come at me.

"Joker!" Clare roared, batting away the chainsword with her fist. I tried lining up a shot with my meltagun from the floor.

Clare and the eldar began dancing around, trying to hit each other. I couldn't get a good shot, especially with Clare in the way. I just waited for the perfect moment.

That perfect moment never came as the chainsword impacted Clare's exposed head. I wish I could say 'it was but a graze' but fuck no. It couldn't have been that, could it? Couldn't have been another fucking scar. No, this sword sunk deeply into her head.

I gaped in surprise, and I could feel a sense of… I don't know. Anger. Hatred. Vengeance. I wanted Clare to sock this guy, but I don't think she could do that. Crimson began splattering all over the hall. As if to add insult to injury, the sword came out of the head, and the eldar roundhouse kicked Clare's limp body to the side.

Her body collided with the cold metal wall, splattering more. I could hear several cracks upon impact. The blood pouring from her open head began pooling on the floor, and I could not see her face. Only her half shaved, now open head. One arm hung weakly in front of her, and the one on the floor looked crumpled. I think the body twitched once after the cracks.

My gaze returned to the elf responsible for this. This murder. No, my dear sir, I truly don't believe I loved this person like they did me. But I had a connection to her. We were most certainly buddies- no, friends. This arrogant, vile creature had just slaughtered one of the few people I got to know, somebody I talked to. The last person who I think I shared such a connection with was fucking Kharn. And whatever happened to him, huh?

"Fuck you," I spat. I pulled the trigger of my meltagun. A stream of what looked like a concentrated purely white flame poured from the meltagun. I could feel the heat from the barrel. When the stream contacted the eldar, I briefly heard a scream of pain. More than what came out of Clare. Fucking coward.

I let go of the trigger, and got up. "Fuck you," I stated. I pulled the trigger again, pointing at the body. It looked melted, as though this guy took a bath in lava. When I let go again, only his legs remained, and the floor plates looked damaged. "Fuck you!" I shouted, and got to work getting rid of the last shreds of this fuck's existence.

I know we both had the same enemy, but I hope Slaanesh really raped this fucker. Yeah, I know, Tzeentch, not very nice. But you know what? I just lost someone to talk to. I just lost someone who understood me. I fucking lost more than I ever believed I could in a universe where I had nothing.

Speaking of Tzeentch, I'm in the mood to be even more upset. My pants rumbled again, and I threw my meltagun at the wall, turning away from the sight and ripping the phone out. Two texts waited for me.

"Claiming that one minute now! -T"  
"Ever heard of fate's fool? -T"

I dropped the phone.

I wordlessly picked up the meltagun. I pointed it at the phone on the ground. I pulled the trigger.

When Slaanesh is done, you're next.

* * *

I got to the place where the battle was, which was in crowded halls with crates. I hid behind a corner where I saw people shooting down an intersection in an unseen direction. I hugged my meltagun tightly as I got used to the new weight of a holstered laspistol.

I looked around the corner once again, and I saw a blue armored eldar warrior moving up. It had a tall white helmet with colored mohawk. I moved behind the crates, ready to fuck this kid up. Little did it know, I was still quite upset.

After a couple of seconds, I raised myself, meltagun aimed. Unfortunately, the eldar wasn't there. "What?" I murmured, then found my meltagun knocked out of my hands. I looked down to see an unwelcome eldar weapon so close to me.

I reached down, shouting an obscenity, and grabbed the thing, dipping it off to the side, where I saw several shurikens appear. Fantastic, I evaded death. I ripped the weapon away from the eldar, and looked up, seeing its helmet peering directly into me. Fuck you is what it should be reading.

Suddenly, the eldar lets go of the weapon and punches me in the face. I threw the thing away and grabbed my nose. "Awh fuhck!" I exclaimed, nose quite bruised. The eldar then kicked me in the stomach, causing me to get knocked back.

I hit a wall, and I realized I had Clare's pistol. I reached for it, and pulled it out, pointing it at my foe. Who then effortless smacked it out of my hand. "The fuck?!" I got out before getting slapped. "Ow!" I commented before receiving a blow to the gut.

"Die, mon'keigh!" I heard a rather feminine voice say. Yeah, probably a guy. Fucking eldar. I looked at the eldar again, who grabbed out their knife. I brought my head back, then launched it forward at the faceplate of the helmet.

I felt a nice smack, and my head felt like hell. On the bright side, the knife fell out of the eldar's hand, and it grabbed at its covered face. "Awh Ceibawh!" it yelled.

"Gotcha, bitch!" I roared, and immediately tackled the eldar. Using my superior strength, I pinned it to the ground. "Now you die, fuckhead!" I pulled my knife out of its scabbard, ready to end this annoying twat.

"You first!" it screamed, somehow batting the knife away and grabbing me. Then, we tumbled together, and it ended up on top of me. It began shrieking, laying punches left and right at my face.

I tried protecting myself with my arms, really attempting to mount a good defensive. "Piss off, pinhead!" It only kept punching me and screaming in response.

It was at this point I realize, from the screaming, that it was, in fact, a female. Oh hell no. I would not be beaten by a girl!

I let out a quick jab from my compromised position, and threw her off me. I tried getting up as quick as possible, but still got a kick to the gut. "You're a real piece of shit, you know that?!"

"Not as bad as you, mon'keigh!"

"Fuck you, elf!"

"No, fuck you, mon'keigh!" She threw a haymaker at me, something I didn't expect from an eldar, which I just barely dodged. It was clear I was getting winded. I decided to try another tackle.

This time, when I collided with her, I didn't try to get her to the ground. I instead threw her against the wall, holding her there, getting ready to hit her stomach till she gave up and accepted a melted life.

What I didn't expect was for her to fucking headbutt me right back. I fell backwards, dazed by the attack. My vision was slightly messed up, and I could see doubles at points. This woman was now panting, as if tired. Bingo, bitch, I have you now.

"Nice trick, fuck."

"Learned it from the worst."

"Oh, thanks."

"Welcome." The banter was nice. It allowed me a moment of respite for me to throw a punch, only to find her back up, then jab me back. "You're so sluggish." Thank god she stopped yelling so much.

"Yeah? Well you're made of wet paper," I said before getting in a surprise kick, actually hitting her. A cry of pain was my reward. I capitalized on the weakness and tried and uppercut. Try is the main part of that phrase. What actually happened: She dodged once again. "Why don't you just sit there and take it?"

"What, like a mon'keigh whore? No, that's not how our race goes."

"Oh, so now it's a race war, huh?"

"It's always been that way," she said, evidently breathing all the while. We stared at each other, hands up and ready to strike. I actually noticed she was copying me.

"Do you even know how to fight?" I asked.

"I'm a warrior! Of course I do!"

"Then what the hell was that a few moments ago?"

"I'm adapting to you mon-"

"Keigh, yeah, yeah, we get it, you've got a superior language or whatever," I disrespectfully said before closing the distance, "I don't give a shit." I jabbed as many times as I could, and she seemed to dodge everything.

The weird part was that she wasn't striking at me, at least wasn't trying. I backed up. "What's up, you tired?"

"No! I was just… Thinking of what would kill you quickest!" I confused her by changing up my style every now and again.

"Whatever, man." I got ready to continue fighting before I saw a few guys surrounding us with guns. "What the shit do you guys want?"

When I said that, the eldar looked around and noticed the large amount of humans surrounding her. "As you would say, fuck."

"Indeed," I commented.

Korak came out of the crowd. "Very nice, Joker. It seems we've got another alive. That makes a grand total of…" she looked off to the side, her fingers going up as she thought. "Nine. Take it away," Korak commanded.

Welp, I guess that's over and done with. I went over and picked up my meltagun. Korak gave the eldar a look, then gave me a weird look. "Actually, Joker, you're responsible for this one. Go store it somewhere and don't kill it," Korak demanded. For fuck's sake. As if today couldn't get worse.

I got the rest of my gear, watching the eldar's gear being picked up by the other crew members. I then grabbed the eldar by the arm and immediately got shook off. "Don't touch me, mon'keigh."

"Whatever, you pissy shit. Just follow me."

"What makes you think-" I turned around with my meltagun pointed at her.

"You know, I've sorta lost everything in the last few minutes of my life, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't put up such a hassle." I made it clear I was not about to fuck around.

"You have no concept of life. Yours is so short, so there's no way you could-" I turned around, and began walking away. "Don't you ignore my words of wisdom."

"Give them to me on the move. Or take your luck with the crew, I don't care." I don't know whatever it did, and to be frank, I didn't give a damn. What I did know was that it started following me.

* * *

We found ourselves in the room I called mine. It was mine alone now. I simply unloaded the meltagun and threw the canister in a different corner from the gun. "It is unwise to leave a weapon for me to use and to have no weapon on you."

"I do have a weapon," I commented, feeling the laspistol at my hip.

"Still. I could grab that, kill you, flee, and get back to my people."

"Go ahead. See how well that pans out," I said. I wanted to just take a nap. But no, I have to watch this annoying eldar.

Speaking of annoying eldar, she walked all around the room, examining things. "So… What do you want from me?"

"I don't want anything from you."

"Really?"

"I don't want anything to do with you."

"You're being rather upset, are you not?"

"You're being rather upset," I mocked.

"That's not very mature," she said.

"That's not very mature," I, once again, mimicked.

"Stop it."

"Stop it."

"I'm a stupid mon'keigh."

What, do you think I'm stupid? "You're a stupid mon'keigh."

"You're unbearable."

"Awesome, I didn't want to be a bear." Ha, jokes nobody will pick up on because I just got rid of the only person who might understand, aka Tzeentch. Fuck, I hate him.

"That… Doesn't make sense," it pointed out. Like I didn't know that.

"You don't make sense!" I lashed out. I made sure to point at the fuck. I wandered around the room, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen. I then put them in front of the eldar, who seemed to fear they were weapons or something. "Fine, you wanna know what I want?! Make a fucking picture! Write a story! Occupy yourself for a few hours!" I felt like I was talking to a child.

"I chose the path of the warrior, not the path of the-"

"I don't care what path you chose, every path has a few forks," I said, shoving the pen and paper in her hands. Maybe it was road, not path, but really it's the same thing. "Now draw and shut up."

To my surprise, the eldar sat down at Clare's desk, put the paper on the table, looked at me a few times, then began drawing without a single word. Finally, I wouldn't have to deal with her insolence. Superior race, my ass. I fell onto my bed, and though I did not fall asleep, I did get some time to rest. Sometimes, the eldar got up just to look at me. It was soundless, so I didn't mind.

Of course, my reckoning that I knew was coming came in the form of a few knocks on the door.


	34. Chapter 34

My loyal meltagun hung in my hands, ready to burn a bitch. "What do you want?" I shouted without opening the door.

"Is the xeno with you?" a familiar German voice question. I looked at the eldar. I then looked right back at the thankfully closed door.

"Yeah." I heard footsteps from outside my door, and they became more and more distant. Well that was relatively harmless.

"Why did you grab your gun?"

"I don't like her," I pouted as I turned.

"You're a mon'keigh. You have nothing to fear."

"I still don't fucking like her." I unloaded the meltagun furiously. I messed up more than once.

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it-"

"Stop," I snapped.

"What? You're simply using that 'fuck' word a lot. I cannot tell if it's an action, a thing, or a description." All of the above.

I threw the melta canister in one corner, and the actual gun in the other. "Fuck you, that's what it is."

"Fuck you," she sassed before going back to her drawing.

"Why are you copying everything I say and do?"

"I am not," she said, focused on drawing. "I am simply adapting since I am a superior civilized being compared to you."

"Fancy talk doesn't mean superiority."

"Intelligence does, however." What a bitch.

"Bullshit."

"Case and point."

"I bet you think you're real 'superior' with your stupid cone head."

"It is not a cone."

"Looks like it right now." The eldar sighed, lifting her head from the paper. She laid the pen down of the table and put her hands on her helmet. My hand went instinctively towards my knife, ready to see if this was a weapon.

I have good news, and I have bad news. Good news: It wasn't a weapon! Bad news: She's an average looking brunette. Well, average by elf terms. Still sleek and 'beautiful' and whatnot that so many loving authors and movie producers describe them as. "How 'bout now?"

"Eh. You're a five out of ten." It took several moments for her to process what I said.

"Did you just call me average?"

"Compared to a human female? Yes."

"Great. Another stupid guy who thinks I'm average. Just what I needed," she sighed. She then laid her head on the desk.

"You are incredibly cordial for an eldar." She pointed a finger at me. Wait, no, she pointed her hand at me. Fist, actually. "What's that supposed to-" she then proceeded to flip me off. "Oh, you are an asshole."

"I studied a lot about you mon'keigh. I know things even you wouldn't know."

"Okay, what's the most famous news network of 2012?" Her head lifted, and she now looked at me, confused.

"What? That's not even… What?"

"Boom, gotcha, bitch. I win," I said while pointing my thumb at myself. "I know more about people than you do."

"That was a trick question!"

"You know what's also a trick question?" I asked, then quickly followed with, "Why did you study humans? What, is it a fetish?"

The eldar stared at me for a solid few seconds, her face actually looking upset. It was a funny look, to be honest. It smoothed out then faced the drawing once again. "That doesn't answer my question," I persisted.

"You're annoying," she quietly replied.

I laughed, happy that I won once again against 'my better'. "You're just mad 'cuz you want this," I jeered while pointing at my groin. To my surprise the eldar faced me.

"How'd you figure that out?" she said with a smile, sounding all too happy. "That's why I let myself get captured, really. I just want your primitive genitals."

"Is that sarcasm?"

"Of course not! Please, just come over here and let me have my wishes," she said in that cheery tone. Stay loyal, get sucked. This was an incredibly difficult decision. It also didn't help she was being sarcastic and was probably just going to smack me.

"Nah," I said, which actually surprised the eldar. "Well, actually…" Her face once again went to the little smile. "Nah."

"A pity," she deadpanned before going to the drawing.

I went back to laying on the bed. "I know when a chick is trying to hit on me."

"You figured out I just wanted to punch you? You're smart for a mon'keigh."

"Thanks. Now get the fuck back to whatever you were doing." Thus, the alien shut the fuck up. It's easy to forget that the eldar are, in fact, aliens, but all I needed to remind me was how bitchy this pissant was. Actually, I know a lot of bitchy humans. Still, fucking alien. Nobody likes them, and I've started to see why.

Christ, what was I gonna do? I got my orders from a scary animal to take care of this problem, and I'm not about to complain, even if I'm still upset. Well, upset isn't right. More like FUCKING LIVID. I can't argue with the captain because I'll die. I can't talk to Tzeentch or Kharn because I just destroyed my phone and Tzeentch is an asshole anyways. I can't have an enjoyable conversation because Clare's… She's gone. Thanks to the race the fuck in my room belongs to. I know better than to judge every member of a race from the actions of one. After all, that's human history, ain't it?

So what the fuck can I do? Can I talk to Dekaff? Well, no, I have to watch this alien. Can I talk to the xeno? No, I'll be burned for being a heretic. Can I not be so frustrated? Well, the eldar offered, but I can't take a trip to that one chick who flirted with me. Is this what grimdark is? You have nothing, get something, lose everything and can't do anything about it? Is that the thing with it?

I let out a frustrated groan and smashed my arm harmlessly on the bed. I just want to go home. It was shit, sure, but it was significantly less shit than this. And you wanna know the worst part about all this? I can't run from this situation! If I do, I die. If I stay in the situation, I have a higher likelihood of survival, don't ask me how that works.

"You having mon'keigh problems?" the one person I actually felt like killing said.

"No!" I shouted.

"You wanna talk about it?" she said, her voice full of fake concern. What a dick. I didn't even think a girl could be a dick, but hey, first time for everything!

"No," I said while shoving a pillow over my head. I could probably let out a few harsh words into the pillow to try and make myself feel better, but in the end, it would do nothing.

"You act like such a child," she said, not helping the situation.

"Wanna know why?"

"I think that fits under the category of 'talk about it', which, if I recall correctly, you distinctly said 'no' to," she replied. I looked up from the bed at the bitch who had a very casual smile on her face. "But do go ahead."

You think this is a game? For the past few hours, my swears have grown in appearance exponentially. That's a sign you should not play with me. "You ever have somebody who really cared for you? Somebody to talk to if you ever needed to?" She nodded. I rested my head back on the bed. "Imagine if that person was hit in the head by a sword in front of your very eyes."

"Did that happ-"

"And then roundhouse kicked in the face."

"I have a feeling-"

"And then you really, really needed somebody to talk to, but the only person you can talk to is a moron." Sorry Dekaff, but it's true.

"I imagine that-"

"And not only that, but even if you wanted to talk to this moron, you can't because you're supposed to be at a place, or you will die."

"This sounds surprisingly-"

"That's been my day up to this point."  
"I gathered that."

"Good. You're pretty smart for an eldar."

"Thanks. Now I'm gonna get the fuck back to whatever I was doing."

Stop. Fucking. Copying me.

* * *

My door opened without the eldar getting up or me touching it. I looked up from my bed to see the captain with the bolter babe. The first person to speak was the captain, who commented, "Watching over the enemy well, I see."

I immediately stood up from my bed. "Yeah, they didn't uh… Nowhere to go, right? I was ready at any moment to totally-"

"I don't care enough," it interrupted, raising a hand and keeping its attention on the eldar.

"Okay," I resigned. I saw the captain and bolter babe walk over to the eldar, who was watching them warily, just as they had been doing.

The bolter babe began speaking. "What was your mission?"

"What'll happen if I do not answer?"

"You'll find out," Korak answered. I shivered at that answer.

"Will you keep me alive if I do answer?"

"Depends on whether you give the answer willingly," the bolter babe replied. Oh, what a shame, they're going to kill her. Boohoo. She looked back at me, then back at the captain.

"We were simply moving to support Craftworld Iyanden."

"And why would it need support?" bolter babe inquired.

"A Tyranid hive fleet is attempting to destroy it." Oh. Well, bye bye, Iyanden. What is that, some unmentioned minor faction of Eldar?

The two inquisitors (note: one was not actually an inquisitor) looked at each other. Bolter babe began, "First one to actually tell us."

"Last one alive, too," Korak said.

"Wait, I'm the last one!?" the eldar shouted, standing up.

"There were only nine," I said, surprising everyone that I was still there. It's my room, where am I gonna go?

Korak hmmm'd, then pointed at the eldar. "We can take an extra xeno. As much as it hurts my imperial heart, we can take you aboard as one of those… Corsairs."

The look she had was one of pure anger. For once, the 'perfect' composure this elf had had had been dispelled. "Corsair? Corsair?! I can't just turn my back on my craftworld!"

"Well, I don't think you have much of a choice, do you?" Korak pointed out.

"I need to get to the craftworld, or at least the shrine to let them know we need to send more! You can't just keep me aboard, you're putting my entire people at risk!"

"You're forgetting something. I am the rogue trader Korak Arachphro, inquisitor of the chosen Ordo Malleus. I can do as I please," it grabbed the eldar, who tried to get the hand off immediately, "And I want you on my crew." It brought the eldar right up to its face, staring directly into her face. Don't you love press ganging?

The eldar stopped fighting, probably terrified. I would be, too. I half wanted this eldar to kick the shit out of Korak. Would really put some sort of smile on my face. "I see I've convinced you," Korak had said darkly after a few moments of silence.

It took us a few awkward seconds before I asked, "So uh… You gonna put her down?"

As if on cue, Korak dropped her, then began with, "First, you'll need quarters. Now, we recently had an opening, so you'll be bunking with Joker here."

Oh no. Oh fuck you. I didn't like staying in the same room as that thing, and I sure as hell wouldn't want to share that room with it for the conceivable future. No. I refuse. "Fuck this," I said, throwing my arms up, walking on out of the room. I would not, and will not, abide staying with that eldar bitch. Not only is she annoying, every time I see that helmet, I think of a time where a sword, a half-shaved head, and the laspistol at my side were all in action. It was not a good time.

As I went storming out, I heard Korak saying rather loudly, "Don't worry, he'll get over it." Maybe when I'm dead.


	35. Chapter 35

I spent the night wandering the ship. Well, I say night, but time doesn't work in space. Whatever, it felt like a night. It was, at least, a couple of hours of just aimless walking like I had done when I first got onto this ship. What a ride it's already been, huh?

I won't lie when I say I was rather… Frustrated. I kept kicking things that were on the floor whenever I found them. Things haven't really gone my way, or any semblance of my way. I originally thought, 'Hey, Korak sounds like a swell fellow!' and then what happened? It turned out to be an extremely scary, sadistic, and careless monster that killed whatever it wanted, when it wanted, how it wanted.

But maybe that's not so bad, right? Wrong. I get a friend who I kind of trust, and this friend really likes and supports me. But, nope! I'm not allowed to have the nice things, am I? I don't even know why we can't have the nice things. Killed by the race that I despise. Oh trust me, I dislike a few of the races in Warhammer, but a staple throughout the fantasy world is my hatred of elves.

Then what the fuck happens, huh? I get to live with one. Fantastic, am I right?

I kicked an empty can to the side of a hallway. I've been up for several hours without sleep of any kind. I know this was normal and expected of me in the guard, but I don't think it's ever gotten this bad. I felt like falling over, and my limbs served only to weigh me down. I haven't exactly been sleep deprived too much before, anyways.

Now, I won't say I'm irresponsible and choose a rather precarious place to fall asleep. No, I am far better than a guy who falls asleep in the middle of a hallway. I made sure to move off to the side and then collapsed onto the floor. I think I hit my head though.

* * *

I woke up with a splitting headache in a very strange place. It's not every day I wake up in the middle of a corridor. Actually, it was more like the side of the corridor. I got up, albeit slowly, and seriously wondered just where the fuck I was. Normally, I remember things halfway decently, but I just can't recall why I'd be in this corridor.

Whatever. I looked around for people, but seeing none, I kept going down the halls, following bends occasionally. I eventually found a guy who knew the way to C3. I somehow fell asleep on an entirely different level of the ship, G8.

Now to make things short, it was a long ass trek back to my section. Also, why do people use the word ass to make something seem more major? Long ass, hard ass, stupid ass, I don't get it. I like my fair share of ass, but that's just ridiculous.

Back on track, I was before my door. The stupid elf better not be in my room at this hour. It'd be incredibly inconvenient for me, to put it simply. I opened the door, and lo and behold, the room was all to myself. Thank god.

I looked to the desk, which had a piece of paper that was written on. Or drawn on. When I moved closer to confirm which of those it was, I saw an amazing graphite drawing. I dipped down closer to get a better look. What I saw was some guy I didn't recognize with a melta gun, holding it aggressively.

One of his hands was very robotic looking.

I moved myself up from the drawing. It was weird, and I felt strange looking at it. Like, it was really good, but uh… I dunno, a guy with a meltagun? Come on, you can do way better than that. The only art with a melta gun in it is the rule book with pictures of weapons. Honestly, nobody cares for the things, not even me.

I took off my holster that had Clare's laspistol and threw it onto the bed. No need to be armed at the moment, right? Unless another thing wants to attack the ship. It'd be just my luck.

Speaking of things that would ruin my day, the door opened to the sight of the eldar. "You're back," she carelessly noted.

"Happy to see me?"

"No, I just needed my helmet." She then took her helmet then left.

Well that was quick and painless. Sleep, here we come.

It was at that point I remembered that I didn't need to sleep. So I opted to take the laspistol and headed off down the halls again. You ever get that feeling when you enter a room then realize you didn't know what you were gonna do? Yeah, that happened to me.

* * *

So what's the first thing I do? That's right, I go to the closest bar to go have a good time. It's been a couple of days since my last drink. Or maybe it was a couple months ago. Whatever, I haven't had a drink in forever.

Once I arrive in the designated bar room, I saw just who the bartender was: a large green gorilla-like big toothed ork with a massive grin. Oh fantastic. Either he lets every fight go on, stops every fight single handedly, or joins every fight.

When I pull up, he immediately notices me and stops doing that thing every bartender does, which was needlessly cleaning a glass for way too long with a rag. He comes over to me, and is the first to speak. "'aven't seen you around 'ere. You'z givin' me real weird vibes."

I slammed my arm down on the table. "Give me da strongest grog ya got," I said in my orky accent.

The bartender laughed right in my face for a solid seven seconds. I counted. "Now I getz it! You'z is da orkiest zoggin' 'umie eva dat I've been hearin' about." He then moved for perhaps the largest bottle in a little rack of disgusting bottles, grabbed it, then put it right in front of me. "Dis un'z on da 'ouse."

Now something peculiar caught my interest immediately. "Wait, orkiest 'umie? And just wot is dis stuff!?"

"You'd 'ave to be stoopid not to 'ave 'eard of Kaptin Swagloota's claims recently. 'e sayz there'z some 'umie who calls 'imself Kaptin Jokah. Dey 'ate each otha, so 'e sayz. 'ow would I know, though? Neva met 'em." Ah ha! Bar gossip. Lovely. "Oh, and dat'z fightin' juice. Real good stuff, Jokah."

"I neva told ya my name, ya daft git!" His smile was even greater. "But yeah, I'm da Kaptin Jokah." The ork started laughing again.

The humans at the table looked mortified. Well, except for this blonde chick in dark armor, but- wait a fucking second. She started to get up, an interested look on her face. Now, I swear I've seen that body before.

"So… Captain Joker, huh?"

"Yeah? What's it to you?"

"Quite a powerful title," she practically purred, edging closer to me. Now I know where I've seen this chick. She was that chick who got decked by Clare. She deserved it. "I wonder where your friend is. Wouldn't want you to get stolen."

"The fuck are you on about?" I knew full well what she was on about.

"Well, we've got a decent looking guy who just so happens to be a 'captain' alone at a bar. That bitch with half a head of hair would be horrified to learn that captain's jumped ship…" She was officially laying her hands on my shoulders.

"She's dead," I commented, moving my hand towards the bottle. This bitch goes too far, this bottle is crushing her face.

"Oh really?" she asked, surprised. "Well, ain't that a shame. Are you not doing anything right now?"

"No?" I replied. I think she was drunk.

"Wanna start doing something?" she asked, slightly falling onto my back. While this would be nice, she's in really hard armor, which is sort of a turn off in reality. Now, bear in mind, I do appreciate a woman in armor. That's hella hot. But when you actually consider it, it really isn't that great.

"Let me think about it," I said, taking the bottle in my hand. I was ready to bash the chick, but… Well, I wouldn't want to waste this 'fighting juice'. I dipped the cap into my mouth, and suddenly a rush of heat sprung in my mouth. Fuck, fuck, FUCK. Too spicy, too hot.

It was so fucking hot, my vision actually started turning red. Well, it was too yellow to be red. I guess it was orange. Either way, god damn, my mouth burned. For some odd reason, it was a nice enough taste. It was interesting.

So, since it was nice enough, I chugged that shit down. Once I was done, I slammed that bottle down to let the ork know I appreciated it. "Hell yeah!" I roared to let everyone know I was having a good time.

"I'll take that as a-"

"Fuck you!" I yelled in retaliation. There was some dumb bitch holding on to me. I brought my head forward, then whipped it back. I felt a bit of pressure and heard a loud crack, but all round, pretty good! I got up from my seat, and turned to the person that assaulted me.

Yeah, this bitch wanted to die. She tried to choke me out! "You'z wanted to kill me!" I accused, rightly so.

"What?! No!" she spat back in complete disgust. Wow, how violently she refuses to be guilty. She obviously did it, why fight it? Just more of a reason to break her stupid face, I guess.

"WAAAGH!" I boomed, running headfirst at the chick. I was ready to football tackle my foe down to the ground. That was the plan. Well, actually, here's a better plan! Here's the new plan: I beat her to a pulp. If I die, I didn't follow the plan, so it's my fault.

The problem was that the chick actually grabbed me and threw me to the side. I heard a thud as I hit a wall. How did I not see that wall there? It's real big! I gotta get my eyes checked after this. Now, my anger wasn't directed at the wall. Oh no, it was the person who threw me into it.

I looked at my opponent, who was running at me, looking to be in some sort of combat stance. What is she, a soldier? I'm a big soldier! I got me a robo arm, so I'm obviously gonna win here. Speaking of winning, hasn't that been what I've been doing? I'm pretty good at it, huh. Maybe I'm real good at it, the best even

I moved closer to the opponent of mine, who started lifting her leg, presumably to kick me. Of course, that won't work. I rushed at her, launching myself at her. I grabbed her armor and had a decent grip when I felt something push my side. We both tumbled down to the ground subsequently.

"What is wrong with you?!"

I didn't acknowledge such a stupid question. Nothing was wrong with me. Just for asking that, I smashed my fist into her face. In fact, I don't think she got the point, so I got my other fist to try and tell her.

She stopped my fist mid-speech, and hit my face. Or did she? I barely felt a thing, maybe it was just a fly. My head immediately went back as pressure and a small bit of pain blasted my face. Hey, that's not cool!

I looked down, but was met by a floor. I looked back up just in time to see a leg collide with my head. I rolled off to the side, but only because I chose to. I also chose to replace the orange haze with complete darkness. It's going to stay as long as I want!

* * *

I had a terrible pain in my noggin once again, and I had no idea why. Did I fall asleep in the hall again? I looked around, and could only see my room. I was on my bed, and it was quite comfy. Didn't help the fact I was in quite the bit of pain. Fuck, did I smash my head with a hammer something? Is that why they call it getting hammered? It makes so much sense now.

"So, did you make any friends?" a feminine voice said.

"I guess, dude. Fuck, you know what happened last night?"

"No. All I know is somebody dragged you in here and you're taking up the bed." What, are you my room mate?

"It's my bed," I claimed.

"It's also mine, as little as I need rest."

I got a great joke "Dang, can you go all night?"

"Yes. Multiple nights in a row, actually."

"Dude, that's hardcore," I murmured. I then asked the voice, "Hey, where are you?"

"The desk." I moved my head towards that general direction, and I could see the eldar in armor, minus helmet. My head immediately went back to the pillow.

"God damn it."

"You missed my ceremony."

"Good!" I spat.

"There was food."

"Fuck!" Damn it, it's always the places you think you'd hate that you love. Also, ow, I shouldn't shout. The eldar giggled at that.

"You'll have to tell me exactly what that means one day."

"Ask somebody else," I groaned.

"Nobody else uses that word. There are only very ancient records of it, and I do not know its definition."

"What are you, a fucking nerd?" Big talk from me, I know. But hey, I liked the spiky marine boys, so I'm cool. I also liked the super scary warp daemons, so I'm obviously cool.

"No, I just know more than you do." Like hell you do. In fact…

"How many companies are in a Space Marine chapter?"

"Ten."

"Who was the guy who stood up to Horus when he was about to serve the Emperor?"

Her silence answered that for me. "What?"

"Exactly! I know more than you do."

"Is that so? Do you know the main form of war transport for my people?" Please, I've played enough games to know. Cheese serpents, with their absurd shit. Honestly, have you tried to kill those things? Fucking impossible without like eight meltaguns.

That said, they do make for a great innuendo. "Hey, baby, wanna ride the wave serpent?"

She scoffed, "Did you just say that?"

"What, you got a problem?"

"You do if you think you got a chance, mon'keigh."

What the fuck was I doing? Maybe I have some serious brain damage. Also, I'm still getting a hell of a migraine. "Hey, I'm going to ignore you and sleep for the next several hours, kay?"

"What, done talking already?"

"Hell yeah," I said rather unenthusiastically. Time to snooze off a concussion.


	36. Chapter 36

I woke up, feeling rather strange. Things weren't right. I've been on a ship before, so I know precisely what we were doing: Warp travel. I knew if I were to see the outside space surrounding us, I'd see the purple blue stuff I always saw in the artwork. I don't understand why we don't let the crew see it. We just instantly shut the whole ship's outside view down.

Saddening, but that's just what it was. I moved myself up from the bed, and saw the eldar sharpening a really fancy knife. I raised an eyebrow before getting my feet on the floor. "I don't like it here," I said.

"Nobody should," was the response I got. It was unnaturally dark. One could say it was grimdark.

"I mean, we can't even look out there!"

"If one opening is made in this ship, a daemon may make its way inside. You humans still cling to the warp for travelling." Fucking arrogant pricks. I stood myself up, getting my stretches in.

"Well if you could tell us how to travel through the Webway, that'd be great." The eldar looked up at me, stopping the whole sharpening thing.

"How you know of the Webway intrigues me." Sometimes I forget a lot of this stuff isn't common Imperial knowledge.

"Yeah, the whole Infinity Circuit thing would be nice, too."

"Mon'keigh, you overstep your bounds," she practically growled as she rose slowly, knife tightly in her hand.

Yeah, I needed this for my morning. I grabbed at the laspistol that I left at my hip. I thank one of my nerd friends who played exclusively Eldar. He's the one to blame for me ruining this bitch. "And how about that Ynnead?"

I could hear something crack. "I'm going to kill you."

"Is that so?"

"It's going to be painful."

"How are you gonna do that?"

"I'm gonna smash your face."

"That's not very Eldar-like."

"And you're a know-it-all who knows too much."

I pulled out my laspistol and casually pointed it at her. "Are you aware of who you're threatening?"

"An idiot?"

"That, and the legendary void-farer," I began, "Who is known far and wide. Titans are revered less than I am." A brief smile appeared on her face. "Astartes bow before my might, for they know who I am." Once again, a smile. This one lingered. "They know my name well, as does the entirety of the navy. You would do well to remember it."

She giggled a little before asking, "And just who are you?"

"I am known by the Orks only as… Kaptin Jokah. I'z is da biggest an' da strongest 'umie dere iz!" She laughed for a solid few seconds.

"I'm still going to have to kill you."

"Can we put that off for a while?"

She actually hmm'd to that, and really considered something. "If you continue to amuse me," she said, putting the knife away, "I'll consider letting you live so long as you do not tell anyone of the secrets you know."

"Where the hell is Ynnead gonna come up in a-"

"Don't say that," she rudely interrupted.

"Okay, fine. But like, Maugan Ra is literally the only thing of the Eldar I think I'd ever talk about."

She was silent for several seconds, before sitting back down, a pouting look on her face. "Nobody ever talks about Asurmen like they do Maugan."

"Well yeah, the hell has he done? Maugan fucking destroyed an entire Tyranid invasion by himself. You can't become more badass than that." He's like the one good thing about the Eldar from what my friend told me.

"You do not know just how important Asurmen was."

"I'm not a Dire Avenger, nor a pointy-eared arrogant prick, so I don't really care." She actually looked at me for that one.

"That one hurt, Mon'keigh."

"Boo-hoo, cry me a-"

We were interrupted by a loud crackling. The voice of Korak came over the intercom.

"Good evening, crew. This is your captain, Korak Arachphro. I know you may have heard of me, maybe as some sort of boogeyman. I am your real captain, not Albertus Magilious. I have come to you with a handful of truths and one goal for us all."

"Oh god," I said.

"Yes," it continued, "I am a xenos. I am a sanctioned xenos. I am a sanctioned xenos mutant who has sought the light of the Emperor. I realize I will never attain it like you shall, but I know how I might grasp it. You may notice we are in the warp. That is a part of my grand quest."

"Oh my fucking god," I whispered.

"What?" the eldar asked, full of confusion at my despair.

"I wish to seek the Emperor's favor by slaying the chaos god Slaanesh. Everybody aboard this ship is subject to the corruption now that I have said they're name, yet I have faith in the Emperor. I have faith He shall guide us. I have faith He shall lead us. I have faith He shall be with us as we assault the Palace of Pleasure Slaanesh hides inside in a couple of hours. All crew and personnel, arm yourself. I do not care what with, but arm yourself with both an iron will and a weapon. Today is the day a true monster dies."

Welp. I guess it was about time I died. Could I even live in the warp? If so, would I just go insane the moment I step into the ocean of pinkish bluishness? Is there gravity? These questions need to be fucking answered before I go out to go 'kill Slaanesh'. How the fuck is Korak going to kill Slaanesh?! Is it just gonna punch it? These are the kind of questions that not only keep me out of the good schools, but they also keep me alive!

I pulled my hand away from laspistol at my hip. "Well, I officially give up."

"Good. That's one of countless mon'keigh down."

"Oh shut up," I groaned.

The door opened and I saw a purple lady with a claw hand. That was enough for me to fucking swan dive for my melta gun. However, as I was flying through the air, I forgot to actually look to where I put my melta.

Alas, it was too late, and I smashed into a metal wall face first. I felt a force reverberate through my body. I had a feeling I'd have been fine if I just put on my helmet. Those fucking thieves. I could hear ringing in my ears, but it quickly faded into the sounds of females struggling. I'd normally be quite happy to hear this, but uh… I know who's fighting and I know they're fighting.

Then again, daemonette of Slaanesh. Anything could happen. Anything. I turned around, my hand wrapped around my laspistol for comfort more than survival.

What a shock to find they were fighting. A part of me was disappointed. I pulled out my laspistol and looked down the sights to find a blur of vibrant blue and pale pink. It was fucking inhuman and I was kind of scared. I then thought like a true American and Imperial: It's an illegal alien either way, killing it is not a bad thing. Me: 100, America: 0.

I pulled the trigger and heard a scream of pain, which slowly turned into a moan. Well, I guess I hit the better of the two. Well, since I'm a heretic and whatnot, it might not have been the better. After all, I could have gotten some business done. Then again, Slaaneshi stuff is known to be hermaphroditic, and I'm not exactly-

Anyways, thoughts aside, the daemonette started getting annihilated by the eldar. After a couple punches, the eldar sliced the daemonette's neck and I saw it fall over, gasing for air with a pleasured look upon its weird face. I looked at the eldar, who had a few cuts on her face and armor.

"Wow, you don't look perfect anymore," I began

"I'm not in the mood," she interjected quickly and solemnly.

"It's a good look on you, really." She looked up at me in confusion.

"What?"

"What? I like my women to be rough, tough, and hard to bluff." Not really, but it's an acquired taste at this point. Like I'm gonna find a chick who ain't tough anywhere around here.

She seemed to be quiet for a moment. "I see," she commented. She then went right back to the whole knife sharpening thing. I went around my room, and I found my melta gun. That thing was gonna see some use or I'd die trying. I really don't want the latter to happen.

"Wait, hold on," I said after the longest time, "What was your name?"

"Why would I grace you with my name?"

"Just in case I want to address you respectfully."

She laughed once at that. "As if that'll happen." She went back to the whole knife thing again. Well fine, fuck you. I don't give a shit. "It's Mae'lin." Ah hell yeah. Now I just need her number.

* * *

It was finally time. I could actually hear immense amounts of sound from outside the ship. The ship had officially boarded the fucking Palace of Pleasure, and here I was, in my room with an eldar, holding onto this meltagun for dear life.

"We should probably help them."

"I seriously don't want to."

"Me neither. Fighting those things is just so… Unnerving."

"I know right?"

We made casual conversation until the door opened and in the frame was the bolter babe. "What do you want?"

"Stop mingling with the xeno. It's time to go." This was the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear.


	37. Chapter 37

"Put this on," the nun with a gun ordered.

She was pointing at a suit of armor with segmented plates of guardsman stuff. It looked rather Cadian in design, and it had pauldrons, bracers, the works. It had a musty yellow paint and one of the eyes was the sight thing that space marines usually had. Optical pieces? I don't know what the official term is. Eyeus Terminatus.

It looked masterful in design, to be honest. It was heavily adorned, with floral patterns made from the little silver decorations upon it. I looked at the bolter babe with wide eyes. "This right here? This is for me?"

"Did I stutter?"

I took a second look at the suit. This was the suit befitting of a guardsman veteran. Kasrkins, I believe they were called. I was simply amazed. It suited not just a veteran, but a heavily decorated veteran who's hella grizzled. The fuck am I gonna do with it? Die? What a grand use of this grand suit.

"Fuck yeah," I commented as I began taking off my jacket. It was time to dust off my duster and put on some new duds.

* * *

When I was done, there was a heavy weight resting on me. I had some guy help me out with everything, and we got it all sorted out. I had a brand new backpack thing that carried fuel for my melta gun. It was fed by a long tube thing, which was cool. For other new equipment, my gauntlets were pretty nice. They'd probably be good for bashing.

That was if I didn't have a baller knife. This thing wasn't as long as the swordknives I'm used to, but it would do. It looked decent enough, and had a skull on the end of it. I put it in a little strap that I had on my chest. Pretty nice, huh? Still, cumbersome as fuck. I felt like a champion, though.

At least, I did until Korak showed up with the eldar in tow. May was her name, right? Korak began by examining me.

"You pull off Albertus' armor quite well. It suits you." Wait, what.

"Hold on, go back a few words. Albertus'?"

"Yes. He wore it before his… Accident. It's still usable, as you are showing right now. Carapace armor is always nice." Accident? Fuck dude, is this shit corrupted? Wait, that doesn't matter. We're in the warp anyways.

"Cool. What do you need?"

"Follow me personally. I need a strong retinue, and you have been useful." I don't like being in close proximity of it.

"Oh… Kay, sure. Why not, boss?" I laughed weakly. It patted my back with the power fist, something I still felt past my armor.

"That's the spirit. Now, let's go kill a false god." And so, off we walked.

Of course, I made casual conversation with the xenos. "Hey, May, how ya doin' today?" Dr. Suess up in here.

"It's Mae'lin. I am… Uneasy."

"That's not so good, man. You know, I'm feeling pretty hyped up, not gonna lie!" I was in a very good mood. I'll have you know, the chances of me living went up by at least 2%. That's a grand total of 2% survival.

"I would prefer not to be so close to the great enemy," she somberly said.

"Yeah, but he's gonna die, bro. The captain's got this."  
"Your faith is a xeno is unbecoming of an imperial." That's cause I'm not, buddy. I'm from the U S of A.

"Boy, don't I have a story to tell you once we're done with this."

"We'll never be done with this. I can see our death approaching, yet I am no farseer." She was being really gloomy.

"Stop being so glum. It doesn't suit you."

"Why are you so happy?!" she bursted, pointing an accusative finger at me. "We are in the warp, about to die or have a worse fate befall us!"

"Because," I explained slowly, moving her finger out of the way with my hand.

"Don't touch me," she recoiled.

"Noted. As I was saying, because I can do this now." I pushed a button on my helmet that I noted was a volume amplifier for my voice. I then made a wicked sick robot noise. It was pretty tight.

I imagine the look on the eldar was priceless. She was completely repulsed by me. "I thought you were stupid, but I didn't think you were brainless."

Hey, that's not nice. "I'm not that dumb, you-"

"Shut up, back there," Korak said, "We're almost in front of everyone."

As soon as it said that, it pushed a button and a door opened. On the other side, hundreds of soldiers stood at the ready. They saluted to the captain, as if they all respected the alien.

"Ladies and gentlemen! It is time to take the warp by storm! Follow me!" shouted Korak as she grabbed both me and the eldar, squatted low, and leapt into the air.

I'm not gonna lie, I was scared shitless in front of everyone. I was wailing and hollering like no tomorrow and, to be frank, it was entirely warranted. I started to flail one of my arms around when the sensation of flying stopped as gravity took control.

After I picked my ass up, I looked onward. Korak said, "Open the bay doors!" I held my melta gun out, just in case there was a daemon in my face.

As it cracked open with a massive bassy whirring noise, I could see a blast of pink and purple strike into the ship. The loud sound of the doors opening was nothing compared to the tremendous volume of screams and moans from the outside. Korak pulled out a syringe filled with green liquid and stabbed herself. May dropped into a combat stance. I was too busy looking at them and wincing from the noise to do anything.

That's when shit got crazy. Korak began foaming at the mouth as she reeled her fist back for some odd reason. May began firing while moving backwards. I turned my head to see a Keeper of Secrets charging at Korak and a Herald of Slaanesh peering at me, walking slowly and sexily at me.

"Oh fuck!" I yelled, putting up the melta. The daemonette was not deterred at all. It moved its hand up and made a beckoning motion with a sly smile.

That's when I started having a fucking migraine. This wasn't any normal headache, my head was being pummeled. So much so, I began to lose grip on my gun. I tried to think of just why this was suddenly-

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, IT'S A PSYKER. I knew what I had to do. In order to combat the horrendous mind rape I was going through, I shook my head, and stared at the bitch. "Fuck you!" I shouted, raising my melta at her.

The migraine lessened as I shouted at her. I was yelling the most random shit, sometimes references and sometimes improv. As I spat at her, she kept approaching.

Then, she bursted forward as I felt the head pounding sensation disappear. She was a blur in my visor vision. However, I had my melta gun at the ready at that point. I pulled the trigger and witnessed a molten beam shoot forth. The heat was enough to make me feel nice and toasty.

The heat was enough to make the blur toasted. The herald was stopped as it flopped backwards, a hole in its ample chest. Holy shit, look at those things! Why don't I pay more attention to my opponents, man?

I then looked at my handiwork. A scorched herald. Damn, I was good. I looked up, and saw a beast running towards me. It was muscular, pink, and its head was made of tentacles. Needless to say, I pulled up the melta and let loose another beam.

So that made two kills as the daemon collapsed, its tentacle face thoroughly melted. This melta gun made my job really easy. The seared remains of my foes showed that. Although, are the daemons really MY enemies? I mean, I'm more of a heretic than everyone here. So long as nothing goes anywhere it shouldn't, I could get down with living in this realm.

Speaking of which, I realized my body was suddenly feeling both numb and overly sensitive in differing areas. I heard quiet dissonant sounds when I tried not to focus on the intense moaning and groaning around me. The gravity here was weird, as well.

However, that wasn't exactly the biggest matter at hand right now. Everybody was looking in horror at the Keeper of Secrets, a four limbed and four titted monstrosity. It was fighting Korak, and the fight itself looked like it was straight out of a movie. It was so beautifully choreographed.

The Keeper swung a sword at the far smaller kroot, and the small one backed away. However, just as the kroot jumped back, it launched forward. Korak swung its powerfist at the Keeper's leg, and I could hear an audible crack as its body contorted unnaturally towards the hit. As the Keeper swept down to its injury, its crab arm snapped at Korak.

Korak, however, seemed fully aware. It moved the powerfist towards the hand. I thought for a second Korak was going to grab the arm or stop it with her fist. That would have been so tight. Instead, I saw a burst of flames pour from the powerfist, and the crab claw caught on fire. The hand moved away, but another blade-like limb was flying sideways at the kroot.

Who then jumped upwards, then grabbed one of the Keeper's breast's to keep from falling. The kroot then proceeded to pull back, and I could see the powerfist actually light up with electricity. It reeled back just as the four limbs as the Keeper were beginning to hone in, acting as though no damage had been done.

The limbs all went towards the kroot. Korak slammed the powerfist into the Keeper. An explosion of gore ensued, and I stood on my own in shock. The meltagun had fallen to my side, held by one hand. I was entirely engrossed into the fight, and had not noticed a majority of our forces were going absolutely bonkers.

Men were yelling, women were stripping, a few were being executed. I looked around the entire crowd, my optical thing zooming in on a few points of interest. Mainly grey matter flying from a bolt shell to the back of the head. I looked back to the Keeper and Korak, and saw Korak ripping into the corpse, eating bits and pieces of it.

That's uh… That's not okay? It's a daemon? Does this not bother it? Aliens will be aliens, I guess. I walked towards the captain as it looked finished. The eldar had the same idea, and joined me.

Korak looked at the two of us, its eyes glossed over and small bits of foam rising from the ends of her beaky mouth. It then went back to business pigging out on the thing it just killed. I shuddered a bit to myself. All this was a little unnatural, but nothing I didn't expect. The warp was crazy, man. I don't even know why I'm not going insane right now, but I won't take it for granted.

"We should watch the door of the palace, in case more abominations spill out," a feminine voice said.

I nodded at the eldar. We both jogged on over to a massive purplish door that had faces on it. Before I got to it, both hands were on my melta gun, and I was prepared for anything. For all I knew, Slaanesh would jump out and surprise us. I doubt a melta would do anything, but hey, I won't go down without a fight.

Well, actually, maybe I wouldn't have to fight. I could just enjoy my time here. Anyways, we stood at the ready near the door. I looked at the display before us, and it was quite sickening. It only got worse from when I last looked.

I heard a very fleshy sound behind me that immediately got my attention. I turned and saw two massive tentacles that sprouted from the door. "What the shit?!" I yelled in surprise.

Before I could have my question answered, one tentacle hurled itself at me. I turned around to try and run, but it grabbed my ankle. I was brought to the ground, and I looked back. The door cracked open, and I could see the darkness of the palace inside. I dug my hand into the ground, revealing it to be both very earthy and very fleshy. It was strange, but it wasn't enough.

I did my best not to scream as I was tugged into that darkness.


	38. Chapter 38

I kept trying to grasp at the walls, hoping to hold onto something. I couldn't feel the texture due to my glove, but the walls sounded fleshy. My other hand was firmly holding my meltagun. I'll be damned if I let go of my baby.

It was dark. Really dark. I could hear writhing and moaning, but I couldn't see where it came from. The space I was being dragged through was narrow and very tight. That's all I could really gather, other than the horrific dragging and me not shrieking.

After what felt like ages, I entered a large, lighted chamber. I say that like I had a choice of going in there. I grabbed at my gun. Just then, the thought of shooting my tentacle-y assailant popped up.

Just as I had my aim down, two more tentacles appeared from seemingly nowhere and assaulted my hands. I was forced to drop the gun as I was held up by the two new tentacles. I was now suspended up above the ground.

Well shit. I lost. I rolled the dice, and I got nowhere near the 2% I needed to survive. I looked around, and saw a dire avenger being suspended as well. At least I wasn't alone. May could get ripped apart by Slaaneshi daemons too!

Just then, I heard the beautiful sound of a piano. It was the beginning of what I could predict was a sad song. Basically, to drive the point home that there's no hope. I looked all around to find in the distance, atop a stage, there was a space marine jamming out.

"Excuse me, but I think you're an octave lower than what you should be playing," I shouted out. It was my one chance to speed this up.

He stopped playing, and immediately let his eyes bore into me. "I do so love an audience," he began in a sing-songy voice. He stood up and continued, "But there's just one thing that makes me tick." He began making his way downtown to end my life. "I despise a heckler."

"Hey, it was just a criticism, man. I liked what you were playing."

"Mon'keigh, what are you doing?!" May interjected.

"Shhh, the grownups are talking," I said to her.

"That was no mere criticism. You interrupted my performance."

"Yeah, but I just got here. I have an excuse."

He was alarmingly close now. He brandished a knife from seemingly nowhere. "There's no excuse for your disrespect. As a true champion, I'll teach you something you'll never forget." Wait… Champion of Chaos special rule! "Maybe you'll be my little songbird by the end of the night."

"How dare you call me little! I challenge you to a duel!" Christ, that was so forced.

"Ooh, it's been years since I've had a proper fight! Though I would hardly call this proper…"

I was released from my bounds, and I slammed onto the floor. Fuck this armor, man, it's too cumbersome to do the shit I need to do. "That's more like it," he seemed to chirp.

I immediately grabbed my meltagun, pointed it at the fuck, and let loose. The stream of hot whatever the fuck, I think it was prometheum or something, contacted with his ceramic chestplate, and boy oh boy did that prized 3+ save do him good. It ate into his skin, and I could see it melting in front of my eyes. His raptured screams did me no small discomfort upon dealing with him. And holy fucking shit, this meltagun made everything anticlimactic. The marine collapsed onto the ground.

"Fuck yeah. Duel won. Roll on the chaos boon table."

As I said that, I felt something change in me. Oh fuck, did I actually get a chaos boon? I looked around me, trying to discern just what I got. The feeling dissipated shortly, and I chalked it up to me having post-battle tummy aches. Hey, a warrior can't always be perfect.

I looked at the eldar who was just staring at me, baffled. "You used a meltagun."

"Yeah? Have been for a while now. Thought you would have noticed by now, what with your elven senses or some bullshit like that."

"You used a meltagun in a duel."

"Hey, he never said we couldn't use a ranged weapon."

"It's a universal rule that you don't use ranged weapons in a duel!"

"Well I have a special rule to counter it. It's called 'I want to live'." Oh the laughs I would have here if I wasn't in Slaanesh's pleasure palace. Speaking of which, I grabbed out the knife from its holster and went to work on the tentacles holding the eldar.

"You know those could kill you any moment."

"They like it," I commented while cutting them. I then whispered to the tentacle, "Don't you, you little bitch?"

I think I heard a little squeal. Note to self: do not ever humor Slaanesh's things. Even as a joke, it's still extreme heresy. And weird. But mostly that first one.

When I made it through, the eldar dropped onto the floor most ungracefully. Very uncharacteristic of their kind, if I do say so myself. "Nice."

"I'm going to kick you," she replied. Fairly short fuse on this one. She quickly got up, and came over to me. She then judo kicked me face, something I felt the pressure of, but none of the pain.

"Wow, what a leg! If only I didn't have this helmet."

"Shut up, that was half of what I could do."

"Well obviously. The other half is the same thing with your other leg."

"Are you asking for death, mon'keigh?" Her hands balled into fists. Her empty hands.

"I don't think you can dish that out right now, since you don't have a weapon."

Immediately after I said that, a knife was in her hands. A very nice looking knife. Intricate designs were on it, littering it with detail.

"Oh. I take that back."

"You better."

I shifted my attention to the large room around me. Besides the dead marine in the middle of it, it was very… Disturbing. The area around the piano was excellent looking white stone, like ancient Greek stuff. That was about all the regular looking shit. The walls seemed to shifted between purplish-pink stone to faces every now and again. Little details were present everywhere. Both the eldar and I were noticeably uncomfortable.

There was one giant door that I could readily see, mostly because it was partially lit up. I pointed at it. "That way."

"Wait, what?" the eldar seemed to be focused on trying to threaten me so much that she neglected to notice the gate. "Oh."

I faced towards it and took a few steps towards it. "Yeah. Large things like that tend to be noticed by us silly humans. Let's go."

"I saw it, I just didn't think you'd be smart enough to point it out," she complained, getting a move on with me.

"Shut up, dude. I don't think your sass is very insightful or useful right now."

"Well," she began in a really irritated tone, "Maybe I'd be a little less 'sassy' if we weren't literally stuck in this stupid Warp in the very place the great enemy calls home!" Hm. She brings up a good point. I responded with silence.

Once we got to the door, it automatically opened to an extremely huge, beautiful room. Pillars extended from the ceiling down to the floor, which was flooded with dancers of all kinds. Daemonettes in their natural forms were present, as well as a few gorgeous chicks. "I swear we went down," I commented idly.

I then saw the whole room turn their heads towards me, ceasing their dancing and other activities. It was as if I was a tall white nerd with glasses on the dancefloor, and a pin dropped. My eyes scanned all around, trying to see signs of hostility.

That was when I saw it. There he… She… It was. Sitting on an inordinately shiny and special chair. Slaanesh, god of excess. It was, simply put, entrancing to stare at. Perfect features on its face, its body lithe and hardly clothed. I peeled my eyes off it for a moment.

I turned myself around, ready to go right back into the room I was, knowing there was no where else to go. "Yeah, I see I'm not wanted here, so I'm just gonna-" Suddenly, my arms were grabbed, and I could see a few daemonettes seize May. I dropped my meltagun in the process. "Make myself at home, obviously."

"Oh, that's no problem! Please, make yourself comfortable," the perfect voice said, ringing out as both female and male sounding. "Do you two need any drinks? Perhaps something stronger?"

I was being pulled towards the voice, and I put my eyes back on Slaanesh. "Do you got weed?" I asked idly.

Slaanesh snorted. "One of the few mortals who can gaze upon me and not become lost in lust, and you ask for only the most casual gift. Surely, you want something far superior…"

"Space cannabis?"

"No, no, no, something… Stronger," Slaanesh said, suggestively, coming off the throne it was sitting upon.

"Mmmmyeah, no, I'm not feeling the Doomrider level cocaine right now."

"But it'd be so fun! I know how much you love fun, Andre," the coy voice seductively said. Unfortunately, while I would normally say okay, something was wrong with that statement.

My hands balled into tight fists. "Excuse me, we don't use that name around here."  
"But it's such a lovely name," Slaanesh started moving towards me, "You just need to get loose, Andre. I don't care how, you just need to."

"How about no?" I rudely asked. As I said that, the room grew even more silent. The moans of the entire tower ceased for a moment.

Slaanesh face went from a sly smug slash blank face to a frown with a furrowed brow. "I see how it has to be. I was hoping to-"

"Slaanesh!" A door on the side flew open, and I saw Korak to the rescue. "Long have I waited for this moment!" Slaanesh faced towards the kroot.

"And who are you?"

"Hello. My name is High Lord Inquisitor Captain General Korak Arachphro of the Adeptus Ordo Malleus Militarum," Korak pointed a talon at Slaanesh. "You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"This has got to be the dumbest possible thing I've ever seen. You have amused me, General Korak," Slaanesh looked idly at a group of five daemonettes. "Dispose of it, it cannot feel any amount of pleasure."

The daemonettes bursted into action, sprinting at Korak with disdain evident. Some brandished knives from thin air.

When one lunged at Korak, it backhanded the daemonette into the wall, creating a crack on it. When another stepped up, that back hand turned into a sweeping blow that made the daemon fly away. Two approached at once, only to be torched to a crisp in a show of flames from the gauntlet it wore. I felt the heat from where I was standing. The final daemonette chose to go for a head on assault, which Korak met with a headbutt.

The daemon collapsed onto the ground, and Korak simply grabbed it, held it up high, and torched its insides. "Hello. My name is Korak Arachphro. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Slaanesh's face was starting to fill with mild anger. "You are no longer amusing me. Go away." Korak threw the body at Slaanesh, which directly hit on the head. When Slaanesh recovered, I could see a horn on its head that I neglected to notice up till now was chipped.

Slaanesh was actively changing. Instead of being the beautiful creature I knew, it was now shifting more into a daemonette-esque look. "Hello! My name is Korak Arach-"

Slaanesh was suddenly not where I was looking. I looked at Korak and saw a blur of motion over there. Yeah, I'm still going to die, aren't I? Or worse. I looked over at May, who was fighting her hardest against the hold.

I decided enough was enough and I jerked my elbow back into the face of a daemonette. I then dipped that hand way down to my holster, grabbed the handle of Clare's laspistol and pulled it out.

The other daemonette holding me soon had a gut full of laser. I whipped back around to the other daemonette and thought of a cheesy one liner.

It looked to be recovering, so I shot it in the face instead. While I love to make the cheesiest campiest moments happen, I love living more. I looked towards the daemonettes holding May and unleashed a barrage of pew pew upon them. Well, it was more like a cracking sound, but lasers are naturally associated with pew sounds.

May looked completely astounded. "How did you get out of their hold before me?!"

"Cause I'm that good," I replied, putting on imaginary sunglasses. Damn, I need me some real sunglasses. That'd be so tight.

"Why did you make that gesture?"

"Shut up." I forgot other people were aware of my actions.

I looked back to Korak and Slaanesh, and saw the god on top of the captain. "You are a pitiable creature. Unfortunately, I'm fresh out of pity."

Slaanesh moved a knife towards Korak's throat, but I'd be damned before I get in on this action. I pointed the laspistol at her… Him… Whatever, at Slaanesh, and pulled the trigger.

Slaanesh's head snapped towards me. "Andre, I forgot you were-"

Korak fucking bit into Slaanesh's tit. Slaanesh roared in pain as Korak ripped her nipple off and turned their situation around. Korak was now on top.

Korak swallowed the bit down, while Slaanesh's skin regenerated. "You will pay for-" A bone breaking punch shut the god up.

"Hello!" Korak delivered another punch. "My!" Another. "Name!" Another. "Is!" Another. "Korak Arachphro!" Two more. "You killed my father," it gave a punch for every word. It then grabbed Slaanesh's bloody head, "Prepare to die!" It ripped Slaanesh up, then slammed it down. An explosion of blood erupted.

The whole palace shook as Korak stood, holding its powerfist up high. Korak roared out in victory. I looked at the god, who was a bloody pulp. I expected Slaanesh to just revive or regenerate, but no. Korak did it.

And I was there to watch. Holy shit, the bragging and story telling I could do! My smile faded as Korak dropped down and began eating fucking Slaanesh.

"Uh, captain, you shouldn't-"

Korak's head pulled up, staring directly into my soul. "We should kill another."

Uh, what? No? "Let's not."

"I know where they are. Let's go!" Korak shot up, walking towards me.

"I would much rather settle down and not fight daemons and their gods."

"Me too! Which is why we eliminate them now!"

"Korak, that's not how that-"

She placed a taloned hand on my mouth. I looked directly into her milky white eyes, which appeared to flash purple every few seconds. "We will kill them. I am strong now. I want to have their strength."

"Why did you even attack Slaanesh?"

"It killed my father, so I killed it. Now the rest of Chaos shall feel the Emperor's wrath." Oh yeah. She believed in the Emperor.

"Um… Which one did you have in mind?" I can't believe I'm going through with this.

"The god of fate." I heard an evil laughter all throughout my mind.


	39. Chapter 39

I awoke from my bed, alone in my room. I felt as though so much time had passed. Then again, that's how the warp is. I then flew out of bed as the ship came to a complete stop.

One probably broken but definitely bloody nose and several profanities later, I found myself walking down to the mess hall. I had a lot on my mind. For one, Slaanesh is dead, the realm of pleasure has collapsed, and now the brand new Slaanesh is on a crusade against Tzeentch in the name of the Emperor.

These are interesting times. Next thing I know, one of Abbadon's Black Crusades will succeed and he'll blow up Cadia. Wouldn't that just be the icing on the cake?

When I was rounding about a corner, I smacked headfirst into another dude. He was in full carapace armor, and hardly looked phased. "Oh. Hello," he said in a brooding sort of voice.

"Sorry about that, man," I said. I then saw the guy was carrying a huge black case that appeared to be a weapon case. On his side, he had a power sword. "Oh. Um… Who are you again?" This guy might be an infiltrator. I know he'd just kill me, but I've got something at the very least. My hand stretched down to my… Clare's laspistol.

The man sighed, slouching a little bit. "I'm Alexander. I'm Albertus' 'friend'." I could practically feel the air quotes. It was the only word that was monotone.

"Oh. Nice. Albertus is a cool guy, he let me borrow his armor."

"Of course he's okay with you. Any random person got more respect than me." This guy was really dark and edgy.

"What do you mean?"

"He'd call me a heretic at all moments. Even in his 'final' moment, he was crowned a hero and I was called a heretic. I sought asylum amongst rogue traders." I knew where this was going.

"I don't need your background, dude. I gotta eat."

He hmm'd then left on his way. What a guy. I imagine he has a lot of fun. I turned back towards where I was going, only to see Korak standing at the end of it, the lights flickering.

"Yeah, no." I turned around and started back towards my room. All the lights shut off in the hallway. I really need night vision goggles.

I felt a gauntleted hand on my shoulder. "You never told me your real name."

"I don't like my real name."

"Okay." The hand was removed, and I heard a skittering. The lights turned back on, and I was alone. Thank god. My hairs were standing on end.

I proceeded on my way to the lunch hall. Unfortunately, I saw a slender body in blue armor with a tall white helmet.

"Can this day get any worse?!" I shouted.

"Good morning to you too, mon'keigh." She moved up to me, keeping her distance but following me. "Be grateful I even say anything to you with how-"

"Pissy I'm being? Dude, I just wanna eat."

"Your nose. What happened to it?" she asked, her voice almost sounding concerned.

"Remember when everything stopped?"

"You mean when the ship-"

"Yeah, whatever, that. Basically," I made a gesture with my hand, moving it towards the wall. I smacked my hand directly into it.

"Ah. Very primitive way of putting it," she said oh so wittily.

"Eldar suck, so there's that."

"Fuck you."

"See? Humans even have better vocabulary." She stopped walking. I decided to stop too because I like sassing her. "Getting tired?"

I took a good look at her. Her armor was scarred up, and her face still had a few cuts. Parts of her hair were cut, presumably from battle. Her eyes were opened wide. "The great enemy is dead."

"Yeah, Slaanesh bit the dust. Whoop dee doo."

"You do not understand. My people have been plagued by it for all our lives and-"

"Look, I get it, your entire people are now safe, soulstones are obsolete, yada yada yada. You don't need to go on a rant."

She seemed to visibly calm down. She was silent for a few moments, before continuing on the walk. She turned her face away from me. "Thank you."

I was thoroughly baffled. "I was just incredibly rude to you, and you-"

She turned her head towards me immediately. "No, not about that! I wanna strike you in the face for that. I mean for saving me, back in the warp. I don't believe I ever thanked you."

I was still confused. "No problem?" She looked away again, this time at the floor. God, this must be awkward for her.

"Any other mon'keigh would have either left me there or killed me, at least from what I read and have gathered." Is there an extensive library on humans or… Oh yeah, the Black Library.

"Yeah, probably. Good thing I'm not any regular 'mon'keigh'," I said, making sure to get the arrogant and uptight pronunciation correct.

"I don't sound like that, do I?" You ask that now?!

"Every time you say that, it's extremely derogatory and pretentious, so yes." She was quiet for several moments. I looked over and saw she had a hand held up to her mouth, the other holding her elbow. "Dude, do you ever not wear your armor?"

That seemed to snap her back into reality. She looked at me. "If I had clothes I would wear, yes. Unfortunately, I did not plan on getting captured."

"Yeah, I imagine that'd be hard to plan, especially with you eldar being yourselves."

"I'd appreciate if you didn't belittle us so often."

"Honey, it's the imperial thing to do, and you constantly call me a mon'keigh, so it's only fair."

"If I stop calling you mon'keigh, would you stop insulting us or, at the very least, me?"

That gave me pause. "I'll consider it."

Then there was silence, aside from footsteps. "What does Hon'ee mean in your language?" May asked me.

"Ah, honey. It's something really really sweet that anybody can like. Usually, people eat it with stuff."

"I see," she said, looking away again. "And you called me that."

"Si."

"What?"

"Ja."

"What?!" Dohoho, language barrier jokes. I always had fun speaking in German around Spanish coworkers. It'd confuse them so much.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it."

"I'll take your word for it."

"That's more than people normally do. Imperials are really suspicious."

She turned to me, an incredulous look on her face. "You're an imperial."

"No, I ain't. I rep the red, white, and blue." Might as well tell the xenos. Who she gonna tell?

"... I'm sorry, I don't follow."

"Of course you don't. An eldar such as yourself could not possibly comprehend the lore of my kind."

"You stop right there before I punch you in the face."

"You see, my race extends far, far back, to a time you could not even imagine." Her face got increasingly angry. "Long ago, my species were the dominant ones, filled with technology the likes you could only dream of." Like the iPhone. "I hail from the ancient kingdom known only as… The United States of America."

"You don't need to be so grandiose."

"Ah ha, but I am speaking of my kind! As we are quite the advanced civilization, it is required for me to speak of us as big as we were." She came over to me at a very fast pace, and I immediately started running.

I kept looking forward, knowing what I'd see if I looked back. However, she caught up to me in the worst way. I fell forward as she tackled me from behind. I smashed into the metal floor, feeling the impact and all the pain along with it.

She smacked my back two times before having her surprisingly light weight lifted from me. I got myself up much slower than she did, trying to rub where she hit me. She was visibly smiling. "Right, okay, deserved that, but still, I am not exactly an imperial." Thus, I told her the lore of my people. Halfway through, she believed I was telling the truth, got out some note papers and a pen from somewhere I was not aware of, then told me to begin all over again. I sometimes forget she's a book nerd.

* * *

I'm weirded out by May. She keeps staying around me for some odd reason. Most of the time, she has a helmet on, even though it's impractical and cracked. It's extremely strange to me. The funniest part is that we don't always talk, she's just sorta there as I sit in my room.

So I decided to leave my room for a moment. She followed shortly after. I looped around and went back into my room. Then she was in there. I popped the question, "Why are you staying around me?"

"Nobody else interests me."

"Oh, so you're interested in me?"

Her helmet turned towards the door. "You are interesting."

That brings me to my next question. "Yo, why do you wear your helmet even when we aren't near any sort of action?"

She shrugged, looking back at me. "I simply feel comfortable in it."

"Oh, okay."

"Besides, I thought you liked your… Women rough and tough."

"Damn straight I do." Yeah. I do like them like that. Clare was like that. The little smile I had dipped a little bit.

"So why do you mind?"

"I don't." I do.

"You seem… Distracted all of a sudden."

"It's nothing. I was just thinking about my previous sergeant." God damnit.

"You had a connection to them, I can tell. What happened?" I looked at the eldar. I so desperately wanna tell her her buddies were responsible for killing one of the few things I've grown to care for. "That look is very aggressive. I don't know if I like it."

"She died."

"She died," she repeated.

"Yep. Simple as that."

"Did it have to do with my-"

"Yes." She looked at the door.

"I'll be back," she said quietly. She walked out extremely quick. I now had the room to myself. Which meant… Time to look at stuff.

I peered at most of the room. A lot was untouched since I don't do much but lay on my bed, reflect on things, cry, then sleep. Forget that cry part, I am the orkiest human, so I do not cry. I mean manliest man. Fuck, this universe is getting to me.

I saw the little desk I had. It had a piece of paper on it. I remembered that May would occasionally draw on the thing. I decided to take a closer look. After all, it was my room, I could do what I want. I now remember why I was regarded as a shitty roommate in college.

It was a beautiful graphite drawing, full of intricate symbols. However, in the center of it, there was a picture of a dude on it. Specifically, a dude's face. It looked pretty beat up, and the dude looked like he had seen better days. I feel sorry for him. I can respect his haircut, though. It reminds me of mine.

I stopped staring at the amazing drawing and looked at the meltagun that had saved my life multiple times. It was a standard meltagun, albeit with a few scratches that would cause a techpriest to freak out and scream technoheresy. Speaking of which…

Where are the techpriests on this ship? I thought techpriests were required for everything. I managed to reload my weapon several times without a ritual, so I suppose the machine spirit of my gun is quite angered. I need to get that figured out before I have a malfunction.

I looked around the room again. It was rather familiar to me at this point, with the exception of a set of armor resting in the corner. There was also a helmet, which I wasn't too used to. Those fucking thieves. I am never going to drop that, am I? I am way too vindictive on those guys for a dude who saw a chaos god die.

My hand met my forehead. "Holy shit, why didn't I just ask for a helmet?" I muttered aloud. That was the one thing I could have asked for. Instead, I waited until I got a bitchin' set of armor. Actually, this is a far better outcome.

The door opened again, and I saw May walking in, composure completely unbroken. "Did you say something?"

"Not necessari-" Wait. "Excuse me, where you waiting right outside the door?"

"That is an unimportant detail." It actually was an important detail. That's why I asked, you pointy-eared moron.

"So… Why'd you leave again?" And stand right outside the door?

"I simply thought you needed time to your thoughts. Is there any particular reason you're at my desk?"

"My desk, actually," I pointed out. "I was just checking out your drawing. The dude on it looks pretty cool. You're a good artist."

"All eldar are, naturally. I was making a portrait of the nearest human in my free time." Nice. Now who did she draw? I looked again, seeing the rough face of the dude with his various nicks and scrapes. Who around here has that hair cut?

I don't know, but I gotta say, his style is impeccable.


	40. Chapter 40

I was holding my meltagun at the ready. The whole ship was a war zone. Explosions came from both the outside and the inside. Yells echoed throughout the halls. I'm honestly not sure why I didn't see this coming.

Some guy bumped into me. He had a massive weapon case that he was carrying and…

"Wait, it's you!"

"Oh, hello. I see you're in his armor," he said with a sigh.

"Where are you going?" I asked, wanting to skip the bullshit he wanted to talk about.

"Orks are down this way. I can tell."

Oh yeah, the enemy were a band of orks. I'd wager I know who's in charge, but it could be anyone. It'd be just my luck if it was Ghazi himself. I picked up my feet, jogging with this dude. Our carapace armors were making very satisfying clacking noises as we moved together. He could move pretty well for a dude who carried way too many weapons.

When we rounded around a corner, I saw few orks with littler looking greenskins, gretchins I think, roaming and yelling. They caught sight of me and pointed me out. "Get 'im!" a high pitched voice screamed.

This pipsqueak is gonna get a face full of melta if he wants to do that. I raised my meltagun and held it like I was in a special forces unit. It didn't really have recoil, so I didn't have to worry about it kicking me in the face.

The first ork that began towards me raised its pistol up to the ceiling and shot, ringing throughout the hallway. "Hah, you missed!" I yelled.

Then my meltagun was shot out of my hands. I felt it rip out of my grip and looked on the ground quickly, then back up. The bullet ricocheted?! Fuck you, Tzeentch!

I looked back towards the greenskins, who were now approaching with much vigor. I started whispering obscenities as I turned around, only to find the dude. He was holding what appeared to be a boltgun with a drum magazine.

"Take it," he said. I did so without hesitation and whipped around. I pulled the trigger as quickly as I could, and that's when the entire gun blasted my arm back. There was a rocking feeling in my arm now.

However, the payoff was worth it. I hit one of the little guys and he literally exploded into pink mist. Also holy fuck, I forgot how loud these things are. I held my gun properly then continued. My arms were hurting, but it was better than dying. One by one, the shells popped out and the orks popped as well.

I stopped once I saw there were none left. I dropped the boltgun from one of my hands, holding it at my side. "This thing kicks."

"Mmhmm," was all I got in response. I offered it back to him, but he put his hand up in refusal. "Better than a meltagun. Those things are… Untrustworthy." I feel like there's a story there but now is not the time. I looked at my meltagun and figured it better to pick it up, just in case. Hey, it and I have a history.

I lost sight of the dude who came to my rescue. What was his name, again? Alex? Reminds me of one of my best friends. His name was Alex, too. I took to going down the corridor with that bunch of orks. It seemed to go for forever before I saw a door opened to a giant room, which I saw a LOT of stuff happening in. Bullets, lasers, orks, people, all of them in that room.

I stopped. Do I want this? Do I really want to fight them? Would it be so bad with orks ruling over this ship? And what if they take out the orks? I mean, Korak will probably ruin them. Let's be fair here, Korak is like the biggest threat to the Imperium I've ever seen.

Eh, whatever, I'm gonna die at some point. I'm just a guardsman. I'm a man among orks and others. I gripped my new boltgun tightly and calmly made my way over to the room. The first thing I noticed was the insanely high volume in the room. Like, I'm pretty sure I'd be going deaf if I stayed in there too long.

Which is something I can live with. I walked into the room, holding my boltgun up and ready to fire. The first ork I saw, I ended almost immediately. The boom was loud enough to ring in my ear. I tore my eyes off the exploding greenskin and saw another coming right at me. I pulled the trigger on him, kicking my arms back once more with a similar result.

Jesus, space marines have it easy. I'm a normal guardsman, and I can destroy any ork with one shot. Imagine that BS4 goodness in action! That said, I do recall once seeing them… I think it might have been when my leg was hit by a grenade. That sucked.

Speaking of sucking, the majority of these orks were incompetent versus what appeared to be the veteran navy guardsmen. Holy shit, the fight they were putting up was amazing. I saw some dude headbutt an ork then shotgun it in its surprise.

Man, I wanna be those guys. I held up my boltgun and bolted some ork that was trying to sneak up on me with a full on sprint. Did I say sneak? I meant charge. Either way, he's gone. It's just too easy.

You know, I really shouldn't say that, I might just end up jinxing myself. That'd be the worst.

I felt something smack against my legs. I looked down and saw a gobliny thing hacking away at the carapace. I couldn't be bothered to waste ammo on it, so I batted it away with my boltgun.

"D'oh!" it shouted, holding its probably broken nose.

"Go away," I said, throwing my boltgun into my other hand. I pulled out Clare's pistol, pointed point blank, and blasted. The crack was drowned out by all the other noise. What was that, 6 or 7 orks? Far too easy for lil' ol' me.

I kept spinning my head around looking for that one ork that's gonna make an attempt on my life. I couldn't admire every gory detail. However, I felt very proud that I was lasting this long. I know with my armor, I shouldn't be surprised.

"WAAAGH!" I heard a clear shout over the top of the others. I looked in the direction of the ork that yelled that, and I saw something I never wanted to see. And he saw me too. "KAPTIN JOKAH!"

I would prefer not to tell you the details of how I ran away because I totally did not. In other news, a wall ran into me, causing me to fall flat on my ass. Stupid walls coming at me.

And there he was, coming over to me with a swagger none could surpass. "Ah, mah plan ta getcha 'ere alone worked, Swagloota!"

"I'z assumin' you'z fallin' down was also a part of yer plan."

"Yeah! Of course it is!" I got myself up, holding up my boltgun.

"Jokah, show sum civility. Ah ain't 'ere to kill ya." I put my gun down. "Ah'z 'ere to rekrute ya."

Oh. That's slightly better than I thought would happen. You know, that idea sounds pretty good. "I fink I'll…" Wait, I'd be among orks. "Pass. I gots a loyal crew."

He sighed. "Guess Ah'll haff ta krump ya." I brought my boltgun up as he moved his sword over to the side. He then scraped it on the ground, and I saw a choppa coming my way.

I dropped the boltgun to put up my arms in defense. It dropped in front of me. I dropped my arms after a second, uttering an oh of realization.

"At least foight me loik an ork." You got it, boss.

I picked up the choppa, holding it in two hands. It was pretty heavy, but it should hurt if I hit him… Maybe. "You wants a foight?! Ah'll give ya a foight!" I gave it a good two swings before realizing how unsteady, unbalanced, and heavy it was. Yeah, I don't think this is gonna work. Xeno plus human equals bad idea.

"Ha, ha! I loik ya, Jokah! Jus' keep ya 'andz on dat choppa!" the big ork yelled. He then shouted "WAAAGH!"

His tiny looking legs started to move unsettlingly quickly, and he started to lift his massive jagged cutlass over his head. I figured being dumb would be amusing. I'm well past my expiration date. So I copied him.

"I'll rip ya 'ead off!" I shouted, holding the choppa up above me. We almost met, but then suddenly, he stopped. I saw little pieces of metal sticking in him. He screamed in pain for a moment, then stared behind me in complete rage. I ain't complaining about the distraction.

I jumped up, and took great pleasure in tugging the choppa downwards with all my strength. I managed to sink it into Swagloota's chest. Once again, another overly loud grunt of pain. I was overjoyed until the flat of his cutlass forced me to fly in the air.

I felt the wind pass by me, even through my armor, and I smashed onto the ground. It fucking hurt, too. How the hell do people get up from this? I see in games they just get up from this like it's nothing, but I can hardly feel my chest past the pain and the armor is weighing me down substantially.

So, I struggled like a turtle on its back. Swagloota shouted out, "Oi! Pointy ears! Dis is my foight!"

"And it is your death!" I heard May's voice cry out with the familiar eldar echo voice I knew and kinda liked.

I looked over to the fight instead of to the ceiling and saw May straight up taking on the ork kaptin with her knife. Christ, what a display! It was like a movie scene or a cutscene. She was kicking, chopping, and stabbing very quickly while the ork struggled to get a real attack in.

Swagloota tore the choppa out of his chest and began dual wielding against the puny eldar. "I'll 'ave ya ears for lunch!" he shouted. May quickly went behind him, jumping up onto his back. Her knife was held high in the air. "Who wots?! Where did-"

"Die, ork!" she screamed, bringing down the knife into his head.

Swagloota's eyes lost their yellowish gleam, turning dull. "I jus'... Wanted shinies…" he said, falling down, May still on his back.

My head went back to the ceiling. Wow. I started hearing a lot of fleshy stabbing sounds from the direction and looked back up. May was really having a go at his corpse, even yelling a little bit.

"The boss iz ded!" I heard an orky voice cry out.  
"Noh, Ah'm da boss!"

"Shut it, ya git! I'z da biggest an' da greenest!"

The room's orks began infighting soon enough, so I got up and went over to May. I grabbed her arm as she lifted it up for another plunge into the brutalized corpse.

"Yo, chill. I think it's dead." I looked at Swagloota. God, he was scary. "Yep, definitely dead."

May looked at me. "Of course, Joker." She visibly relaxed, standing up, all proper and shit. "I just wanted to prot… Prove I could defeat any ork, even the largest one." I caught that pause there.

"You just wanted to prot-prove that? That's quite strange. Is prot-prove part of your language?" Oh ho ho, I'd never let this die until the pompous elf admits her race isn't the best.

"We can talk about this. After. The fight," she accentuated. I'm not forgetting, bitch. I'll never forget.

I went ahead and picked up my boltgun. I figured things were pretty finished around here, so I booked it back to hopefully my room. I technically didn't desert the battle, I did my fair share. I looked at the corridors I was about to enter. I could never quite figure out those hallways. Now, what to do first? Humiliate the eldar, or have something to drink that fight away?


	41. Chapter 41

I really should've thought this out more. I'm halfway dead and stumbling through dark, foreboding metallic tunnels. I'm pretty sure my buzz is dying down and the headache is rising. How am I supposed to get home?

I was holding onto the walls. Quite frankly, I think going with the amount the ork bartender said to was a bad idea. Hold on, where's my helmet? Did I leave it somewhere? That was my one saving grace against a bullet to the face!

I couldn't fathom the thought that I lost my helmet. I dropped to the floor because that singular thought was the reason my world was spinning. Totally. I should've stopped by my room first.

Wait, no, I did stop by my room. I did leave my helmet there. Wait, what if someone stole it?! I tried to pick myself up, and proceeded to use the wall. When I was finally up, I proceeded on my way weakly.

That was miserable and took a while. Thankfully, I made it to my room. I opened the door and I saw the eldar. At least, I think it was. It didn't have the blue armor or nothing, just some of my casual stuff. I think it was mine. Might have been somebody else's. The eldar is a strange one.

The eldar's face adjusted to something like surprise, then smoothed out. "I see you are back."

"Yesh, I is. Tooks me a while," I mumbled, putting s's wherever I wanted because I could. I thought it'd sound funny.

I think she let out a sigh. "Good. You're inebriated."

"That's a big words."

"A big word, actually."

"Fuck you's."

"Fuck you, actually."

"I hate you's sass."

"Your."

"Sass!" I shouted. I moved over to the bed, plans of sleeping in mind. That'd be good.

"What, do you plan to fight me?"

"Nah, you's isn't in armor. Wouldn't be goo-" I collapsed onto the bed and welcomed the lack of senses that followed.

* * *

I awoke to a resounding pounding pain. I'm not sure how much I drank last night. I don't know what happened beforehand or after the fact. Thankfully, I found my bed. Oh, and I slept in my armor. Great. Good to know I didn't lose that.

The door uttered a shattering sound as it opened way too quickly. I groaned out, hoping the door would just stay that way. However, it closed and I saw an eldar enter the room. Figures the eldar would torment me.

"You're awake," she practically shouted. I winced in pain, obviously.

"Ow," I replied, holding a hand up to my ear, "Could you not say stuff loudly right now?"

"What's wrong?" she asked, much quieter.

"Nothing. I just don't-"  
"Oh, okay!" she actually shouted. I hate eldar.

* * *

Everything was going pretty normally in my hangover day. I decided to take a walk, and everything was perfect. I was alone, and things were great.

"Hey, Joker!" I heard a familiar voice say.

Story time is ruined. "Hey," I said, looking for a name. I then remembered a familiar face. "Dekaff, hey!"

"How's it been?" he asked. I thought he died!

"Oh you know," I answered honestly, "Terribly."

"What's been going on?"

"Eldar, captain, trauma, memories, the works."

"Ah. Xenos. Why do you tolerate it?"

That is… A good question, actually. I used to respect the eldar, but… I mean, every xeno that wasn't an ork turned out to be annoying. I can see why the Imperium wanted to kill them all. "Um… I don't know."

"Have you forgotten how to be a human?" he quizzed. I shook my head. "It's a female, ain't it?" I nodded slowly. "Ah. So you've forgotten how to be a man in general!"

"Dude, what the fuck, no," I blurted quickly. "I have most certainly not."

"Hey, woah, I'm just saying. You're letting a pansy girl xeno boss you around." I do not like what he is saying. "Look, we have an opportunity on this ship!"

"Okay, Dekaff," I began, "You're different than I remember. What's wrong?"

"That's what I was getting onto! In the guard, we couldn't do anything fun. But on this ship… Anything goes." I raised an eyebrow. "Do you know how many of the girls here get bored?"

Oh my god. Has… Has he been getting more than me? In the 41st millennium? "I've gotten some!" Albeit, interrupted by a… Xeno.

"Then what're you doing, man? Just toss the damn xeno out already! It's done nothing good for you." He had a point.

"You know what? You're right. I'm gonna do it."

"You better. Let me know when you do, we'll drink on it."

"Dekaff, when did you get cool?"

"When did you become a man?" Touché.

So I split off from him, making my way back to my room. On my way, in a dark hallway, I spotted the eldar. It looked like she was waiting. "Ah ha! There you are," I said.

Her helmetless head turned towards me. That was weird. She wasn't wearing her full suit of armor. "So, you've returned. I wanted to ask you-"

"First off, I've grown a little bit too easy on you!" I shouted. Oh, she'd get it.

"What?" she asked, her face like stone.

I got closer to her. "I think it's time we lay down a few rules in my room, eldar."

"You can drop the feigned hostility, and you can call me by my name," she commanded.

Now I was in arm's reach of her. I pointed right in her face. "I don't think you understand. You've been attacking me with your words for a long while now, snapping at me for every little thing I say. I don't think I've ever seen you sleep, so I don't know if you hover over me while I sleep."

She grabbed my hand, and forced it down. "Could you maybe stop?" she said in the style of me. Mimicry. It's like flattery. "I have no idea where this is all coming from, but I just wanted to ask you if you'd like to-"

"You're trying to assert your dominance of this 'lesser species' aren't you, alien? Guess what? It isn't working!" Dekaff was right. This was a great idea.

The eldar slapped me. "Do you even hear yourself? When did you suddenly become a standard mon'keigh?" She… Had a fair point. "Was it the idea of one of your 'friends'?"

"I mean, yeah, but-"

"Then stop. That isn't your idea. You are the most tolerant human I've ever met. Now, shut up and listen to me." I stayed silent for a moment. "Good. I wished to ask you if you would have liked to grab something to eat together, but apparently not."

"Wait, hold on here, I never said-"

"You implied it," she pointed.

"I'm sorry, okay?" I was actually apologizing to May. What was wrong with me?

The silence that followed dragged on for several minutes. May was looking away for some odd reason. I was just thinking of how the hell we were going to be in the room from now on. It'd be so awkward to be where I am most comfortable.

"Would you like to go eat something?" I heard May ask.

"Yeah, I'm hungry." So off we travelled in silence.

We got several strange looks on the way over. I don't believe I have a reputation to keep anymore. I'm basically a confirmed weirdo.

When we got past all the judging stares, we sat down together at a table. Admittedly, I sat on the other side across from her. Sitting next to her would probably cause some people to get up and actually attack me.

"So… Why'd you wanna do this again?" I asked.

"I wanted to know what you ate," she said. Bitch, there is only three options, at the most. Paste, solid paste, or soup.

"That's weird."

"I'm a 'xeno', that's my job." I kinda snorted at that one. "Oh, so it's okay when I do it?"

I was amused by the irony. "It's funny when you do it. I've never seen an eldar admit it was a xeno."

She let out one short laugh. "I've never seen a human admit an eldar was funny."

"It's totally because you picked up my sense of humor."

"False."

"True."

"False," she repeated. I thought of the perfect way to trick her out.

"One." That'll stump her.

"Zero," she responded immediately. That didn't stump her at all.

"Damn, you are good," I whispered without thinking about it.

"Oh? Thank you so much, Joker," she smiled, sly as all get out.

"Fu- I mean, what? Thanks for what, May?" I saved myself masterfully.

"Oh you know, distracting the ork," she saved herself terribly.

Naturally, I scoffed. "I had the situation under control."

She laughed softly. "Right."

"I did!" I didn't.

"Okay, Joker, keep convincing yourself."

"I will!" I won't. Wait… Oh, I remember. I grinned deviously. "I didn't need you prot-proving me."

She raised an eyebrow. She hmm'd inquisitively.

"Remember? You were just trying to prot-prove around me. Weird, huh? What does that even mean?" I've got you now, you dirty elf.

"Um," she drolled. "I don't…" she continued slowly.

"Yes?" I pressed, placing my head on top of my heads and blinking a lot.

"I mean, I just…" She was looking away now. "I was proving I could beat an ork. So what?" she asked quietly.

"Oh? One that just happened to be beating on me?"

"It was the biggest one," she practically whispered. She covered her mouth with her hand slightly.

"Good point," I said, letting her off this time. "Very good point. Well, I guess you're just really capable."

She looked at me once again, this time with a look of mischief again. Eldar just seem to be born with that face. Her hand remained, though. "Well, of course. I am a part of the race that dominated the galaxy. Still do."

"Yeah, I suppose," I said. My mind went to thoughts of Clare. "You guys do cause us a bit of problems, though."

"Your race just gets in the way sometimes." What's that supposed to mean? I stabbed my fork into the solid paste I got. "You are quite useful to the farseers, but us warriors get less chances to do what our purpose is," she continued, before looking at me. I don't know what my face looked like, but she took notice of it and looked surprised for a solid second. "But your people are still a part of the uh… Great plan."

"Nice pause," I noted.

"I'm… I apologize if I upset you." I looked up. First time I think she's apologized to me. First time May has apologized to me.

"Eh, whatever. Don't think too much on it."

"It's obvious I have upset you. You are my host, and I do not wish to-"

I interrupted, "Dude, drop the 'holier than thou' speak. It's not a big deal. Happens sometimes, it's forgiven and forgotten."

May looked guilty. Her face is capable of a lot of emotion, as I've noted sometimes. "I'm sorry. I am getting restless."

"What do you mean by that?" I asked. I haven't seen her sleep, like, at all.

"I have been feeling more… Emotional lately. I cannot hold it back very well. You would not understand, Joker."

Do eldar have that time of the month? "I think I get it, don't worry." Yeah, I had this one girl who was just like this. Except way more agitable. Didn't last very long, I'll tell you that.

She continued eating, and so did I. My paste was pretty good, don't know about her. We stood up almost simultaneously, and we walked out.

Eldar are weird, dude. They are really weird.

In the halls on the way back, however, we ran into Dekaff along with a chick. Nice. "Hey, Jo-" he paused when he saw the eldar. "-ker, can I talk to you?"

"Oh, uh, yeah," I replied, walking over to him.

He whispered low, "Didn't you kick the eldar out?"

"No, why would I?"

"It's a xenos!"

"Yeah, and? She gives me someone to talk to."

"You call it a someone? What has gone wrong with you?"

I backed away from him. "Dude, I'm not that against the whole xeno thing." I turned around and saw the eldar trying to act normal. It's clear she heard that.

The chick spoke up, "Oh, so that's how it is? She your escort?" The eldar snapped out of it and stared directly at the chick. It wasn't a look of confusion. "Hey, I don't judge as much as Kaff over here does. Kinda weird, though."

I saw her hands ball into fists. "I am no 'escort', mon'keigh. I am a warrior."

"So does he like it rough or something?" I gawked at this chick's audacity.

I started to defend myself, "I don't think you-"

May replied aggressively, "He does not like it any way. I would not even stoop so low as to find out."

Once again, I tried, "Well actually, I think-"

"Well then what're you even doing around him? Heard you guys are awful close, or something," the ignorant chick said.

"We mutually respect each other," she growled.

"Respect? Is that code or something?" the girl asked me.

I raised my hand, only to have May stand in front of me. "It is not."

"Hey, you trying to hide something?" the girl poked.

"No."

"Are you afraid to admit humans are better?" she asked in a really friendly girly way. Oh my god, why is this happening to me? Tzeentch, I still hate you.

"Bitch, I will smack you," May unexpectedly spat. She is stealing all my words. I don't like this.

"I'm just asking! There's nothing wrong with liking us better than the xenos-"

May dipped backwards, and I could see her leg lift. Next thing I know, I heard a crack and saw the other chick get judo kicked. She fell to the ground and May turned her back to the chick. "Let's go," she commanded towards me.

"Oh okay," I hushed before feeling my arm being grabbed. I was then dragged away from the whole situation. "Sorry, Dekaff!" I shouted.

"Xenophile!" he cried out. Welp. There goes one of my only friends.


	42. Chapter 42

We stopped at a space dock place. Why? The captain wanted to try the local 'grox', whatever that is. I was standing around in my room, just stretching.

May said, "I'm bored."

"Cool," I replied.

"I want to go explore."

"Okay," I said.

"I don't feel safe alone."

"Hm, that so?"

"Yes."

"That's a problem."

"Yes, it is."

I decided to stop being difficult and got my armor on. "This better be worth it."

"You have my thanks, is that worth it?"

"Not yet." Well, I could still be difficult.

* * *

The space dock was very poor looking. Crates were all over the place, looking wrecked. The place was practically abandoned. It took some wandering before we finally saw some bored looking dudes with guns. They looked like Cadian style guardsmen. On their pauldrons were the letters P, D, and F.

"Hey, you guys are PDF! How're things going?" I asked in a friendly manner. I had respect for PDF guys. I heard a ton of the best PDF were accepted as guardsmen, so the guys left in it were really bad, but they continued regardless. Mad props.

"Oh, hey, how's it- Xeno!" they shouted. They got their guns down, and aimed them directly at us.

I jumped right behind a box, and dragged out my boltgun. So much for not dying whenever we exit the room. I didn't want to kill them. They were just doing their jobs. "We're not enemies!"

"It's mind controlling him! We can't save him, Jones!"

"What do we do, John!?"

"I don't know, man! I'm freaking out!"

I heard a few loud bursts, the sound of a real gun. I looked out of my cover. A pop happened, and I felt an immense force on my helmet. I immediately went back into my cover. They had autoguns.

Wait, wait. Wait. I just survived a bullet. Oh my god, the armor really works! Ha! Ha ha! Yes! I shouted, "We don't have to fight!"

They then said, "You're being controlled, man! The eldar is messing with you!"

"I told you, dude, no saving him!"

"What do we do then?!" one of them hysterically shouted.

"Use the frags!"

Oh. Does that mean… Frag grenades?

I stood up, my boltgun at the ready. I saw a round grenade flying through the air. My eyes trailed it. The grenade was so slow, yet I knew it was coming. I tried to lift my bolter, but it just stayed down. I couldn't lift it, just standing there. I was just so engrossed in the round explosive.

It landed right next to me. I looked at it the whole time. I let go of my boltgun with one hand, grabbing my leg for some odd reason. I just felt like holding it. The grenade was just sitting there, ticking down till its explosion. Why does this always happen to me?

Soon enough, I was crashing into the ground, a dire avenger helmet in my face. "Joker, what are you doing?!"

"What?" I blurted. I didn't know what just happened. I then heard a huge explosion. I yelled an expletive, and instinctively dropped my gun, trying to check my lower half. I grasped at one of the rotting crates, and tore off a board. "My leg!"

"Joker, it's fine! You're fine!" I heard May yell. She was still on top of me.

I saw that my leg actually was fine. "Oh." I was way too dramatic right there. I was just acting like that. Yep, that's what happened. There was a board in my hand for some odd reason, so I tossed that. I grabbed my boltgun. "Could you maybe got off of me, now?"

"I don't know, maybe I like-" She was interrupted by the sound of gunshots. "Would you two stop!?" She got off me, and then stood up. She shot off a few shots from her shuriken catapult, and I got a nice view from below. Did you know Eldar mesh armor is kinda skin tight? I didn't, but I'm glad I know now. Huh, can't believe I haven't done this before.

I heard a death cry. "Jones, no!" I then heard some running, and the other dude crying out.

"John, I… This is worse than those," he coughed, "Gangers, huh?"

"Jones, please! Save your strength, man, save it. Please…"

"Nah, I'm not gonna make it."

"Come on, please, man!" Holy shit, this was depressing. "Look, I'm gonna get you out of here, just like Tiver V. I got you, man, I-"

"Shh…" I heard the other whisper. "I love you, John."

"No!" he screamed, "You'll be fine, and we'll be together like you wanted!" Now I just feel like a dick.

I got up and saw the sad state. 'John' was crumpled on his knees, holding 'Jones'' head in his hands. Both of their faces were watery, tears falling off their chins.

"Jones?" John asked. He shook him lightly a few times. "No, don't do this to me again! It's not that bad, it's just a…" he paused looking at the injury. "By the Emperor… No! That xenos is a monster." John rose. "I'm getting help for you, Jones. But first… That xenos is going to die."

I saw him move his gun over in the direction of May, but then suddenly his face was replaced by a few shurikens. Colder than ice. I looked over at her, probably looking mortified.

"What?" she asked. "Mon'keigh drama. Now, let's get going, we still haven't seen the rest of the dock."

"Mon'keigh drama?! Dude, they loved each other!" I shouted. I mean, sure, they were gay and all, but that doesn't invalidate anything.

"Yes, and? They were in our way."

"You are a complete and utter savage," I jeered.

"You like it," she responded. No, I don't. We got our show on the road, however, and continued along our way.

* * *

Our next stop was at a run down building that we entered because we felt like it. It was really dark, and had a ton of storage crates. I looked around, seeing the contents being labelled on two side on each one. Stuff like 'Old-Foiz' and 'Recaf'.

"Huh. What if we stole a little bit of this stuff?" I asked, pointing at the recaf.

"Don't be stupid. Thievery is a crime and is the way of animals."

"Hey, I'm just saying. Besides, this whole place looks awful. Who'd even use this stuff?"

"It was placed here by someone and they will retrieve it."

"This place looks abandoned! You could probably murder someone here, and nobody would find the body for, like, a week."

"You think so?" she asked in a way I didn't like.

"Uh… Yeah. I didn't see anybody but those PDFs so we could probably just-"

"So you think that nobody will come by for a week?"

I do not like this line of questions. "Um… Yeah, but I honestly-"

"So we'd be alone here for a good long while?"

"Yes, but that's not-"

Her hand shot next to my head. "So nobody can hear us right now." That wasn't really a question.

"I…"

"So I can ask you whatever I want with nobody to judge you."

"Hey, you can do the same on the ship, I-"

"No, I can't," she said, her voice low. "I know people pass by, and they hear, and they report. Here, we're truly in private."

"Uh…" was all I could think of to say.

Her other hand quickly disarmed me. "Just so you don't freak out and hurt someone," she assured, though I was still freaking out. "I wish to ask you a few questions."

"What if I don't want to answer-"

"You do," she interjected. "First off, how do you feel about 'xenos'?"

I was probably sweating bullets. If I answer wrong, she's going to kill me. Well… If I died, I'd die honestly. "I've never really had a problem with the ones that weren't trying to kill me."

"I was quite curious, you see. You said you weren't against 'xenos', and I was wondering if that extended to eldar." I could feel her eyes piercing into me, even though they hid behind visors. "Does it?"

"Except for when they tried to kill me."

"Let me rephrase that," she moved her other hand to the other side of my head. "Does that extend to me?"

"I mean, you uh- well, you have- I mean, you tried to kill me when we first met," I squawked.

I couldn't tell what her face looked like. "And now I'm not."

"That's true, yeah," I pipped, "I guess that means I'm all for you."

She dropped her hands. She stepped away from me, turning away. I could just bolt out right now. Could I outrun an eldar, though? Can't they shoot while sprinting, too?

"I apologize for frightening you. Warriors are only taught intimidation."

"Forgiven?" I said.

"You have my thanks again. I was thinking a lot. While I am nearing the end of my distressful phase, I need to know a few things. Would you ever… Formulate a partnership with a different species?"

"Well, yeah, I had a dog once." Rest in peace, Spark.

"Oh! So you… Already have one. I see."

"Spark is gone now, though. Shame, he was a good boy." She turned around.

"You prefer male companions?" she asked. God, that sounded gay, no! "I could-"

"No, no, I don't. I just- wait, hold on, what are you getting at here?"

She sighed heavily. She turned around. "I am alone. I have been separated from my own kind, and am treated harshly by everyone but you. I seek a… What's a term you'd understand? A battle brother."

Oh. She wanted a battle partner? "I mean, I'm down."

"What?"

"I'm down for it." She stared at me in silence. "I'm up for it?" Once again, a blank stare. "I'd gladly be your battle brother," I said plainly.

Her body seemed to jolt up for a moment. "Excellent," she stated after a pause. Her body relaxed.

"So uh… What now?"

"More questions."

"Ah," I enthusiastically responded.

"So, I picked up that you enjoy female humans. But what do you enjoy about them?"

I stared at her for a solid minute. "Uh… Why do you ask?"

Thank god I was saved by the bell. A loud crackle rung in my helmet. "Joker! The ship is taking off! Get aboard," Korak yelled.

"Well, we are-"

"Welp, would you look at the time, time to get back to the ship!" I shouted, bending down to grab my boltgun. As soon as it was in my hand, I did my signature backpedal.

"You can still answer my question, you know," she said, keeping up just fine.

"What question?" I attempted.

"What do you like about-"

"A lot of things, especially their bodiEEE-" I fell down doing my backpedal. That never happens! The eldar tripped me, that's probably what happened.

She stopped as well, helping me up. "Their bodies? What about them?"

"Ah ha, ha, this is where you stop asking questions because-" I gunned it to the ship, sprinting like I was crazy. Some parts of my carapace armor was clacking on others, but you know what? It just added to the crazy thing!

The eldar was right by my side the whole time, easily keeping up with my speed. "Because?"

I couldn't talk, only focusing on running. We made damn good speed getting back to the ship, vaulting over boxes and jumping over cracks. It was pretty nice, all things considered.

When we got to the ship, the little boardwalk was retracting slowly. I jumped for it, and easily made it, hoping to god I'd make it in before the ship actually started. May was right behind me the whole time.

We made it onto the ship, and eventually made it back to the room. May was remarkably closer to me than she usually was.

"So, what do you like about them?" My life is hell.


	43. Chapter 43

"Why won't you tell me?"

This incessant question repeated multiple throughout the day. It was just building up to a point I couldn't take. It was making me kind of upset. To the point where I couldn't even afford to give a care in the world anymore.

We were wondering in the halls, and I spotted the captain of the vessel. She looked rather content, so I zoned into her. "Alright, fine, you want to know what parts of their body I enjoy?!" I yelled at May.

"Yes," she quipped.

"Fine! Let me show you on this here kroot!" I pointed at the captain, who I couldn't tell if they were surprised.

"Krootesque," Korak corrected.

"Details!" I shouted. I first pointed at Korak's chest. "These are usually pretty nice, I pay attention to them sometimes, and they're all nice and stuff." I then pointed at Korak's eyes. "Now there are what I really like to look at!" It's true. I know, really sappy, but eyes are something I love to stare at. They are beautiful.

"You flatter me," Korak blandly said. I then turned it around. "Oh hello, wall," it commented on its new situation.

I then pointed at the flat rear end of Korak. Holy moly, it really is flat. "And this is also something I really enjoy. I usually enjoy them a bit larger, though."

Korak harrumphed. "Well I can't help my geneology."

"Shush." I looked back at May, who seemed to have been looking back at something, but then quickly shifted her head to me. I knew exactly what she was doing. "That's just what I like, alright? Does that answer your question?"

"Yes," she muttered.

"Any others?" I inquired. She peered at Korak before shaking her head. "Okay. That's all I needed you for, captain, you go do your captain-y things."

"Okay," it droned, moving right along. Once Korak was out of the way, May stopped me from moving by grabbing my arm.

"What?" I grunted.

"Do I have an acceptable body?" What.

"Bitch, what the actual-"

"I am curious, Joker! Just indulge me this once, please." You know what, to be fair, she isn't a warlock, so she couldn't ruin my mind. The worst she could do is… Break all my bones and shoot my face. Nevermind.

I sighed, "Fine. Let me give you a good lookover." She stood like one of those template pages, you know the ones. I moved around her, pretending to assess her. I couldn't be bothered with May. Like, she's an eldar. Her kind killed my one chance at love in the grim darkness of the 41st millenium.

"Well?" she asked after a few moments.

"Pretty okay."

"Just okay?" she irked.

"It's 'acceptable', if that's what you're looking for." She smiled sweetly, and I was ready to go. Thus, I began to go.

"So…" she began, "Have you had any partners before?"

"Um…" Partners? I don't think so.

"Companions?"

"Uh… Besides my dog, no. Haven't really been all up in the whole 'partner' thing." Partners were a weird concept. I could do a lot by myself.

"So what was your dog like?"

"Uh… Spark barked a lot. Wasn't very friendly. But he was mine, and I got him for cheap. Great animal, lots of good memories." Like this one time he chased off one of my crushes. Later found out she was a criminal. Thank dog.

"Oh! He was an ani… So you've never had a previous partner, am I correct?"

"I guess, yeah," I responded, not really knowing what she was getting at.

"That is most interesting." There was a moment of silence. "I would have imagined a human such as you would have had at least one. Your personality is quite… Fetching."

Did. Did she just? "Did you just compliment me?"

"Why not? We are battle brothers, correct?"

"I- yes, but I don't think we need to compliment each other."

She laughed, "Of course, but I desire to do so."

"Don't you use your elf language on me."

"My language is not nearly as enticing as your's is. So simple, brutish…" She grabbed onto my arm, but softly this time, "Befitting of a warrior."

Whatever she was doing needed to stop. "Aaa, good thing I'm not one of those. That's what you are."

"Really? I recall you saving me from the clutches of the great enemy. Truly, only a warrior could do that." Oh ho ho, but you see, that's where you're wrong.

"Maybe, but then I remember you kicking me in the face."

"I thought you said you liked your women rough, tough, and hard to bluff," her wryly smile only growing larger.

"That. Was. A joke."

"I don't know about that."

"Bitch, I'm 'boutta hurt you."

"I hope you like fighting something that fights back."

"Maybe I like a bit of fight!" Christ, I sound like an ork.

"Then come." Her hands were up in fists.

"Wait, aren't we battle brothers?"

To which she shrugged, "We'll call it sparring." Works for me.

* * *

And that's how Dekaff found us attacking each other in the hallway. "Woah, Joker, what?"

I stopped looking at him. "Oh hey, no hard feelings right?" I turned back to my opponent, who launched a side swipe with her foot directly to my face. I hit the ground hard.

"Do you need help?" my concerned buddy asked. No sirree, I had it all under control.

"Nah," I rose, now ready for any attacks.

"You sure?"

"I'm losing on purpose."

May piped up, "You're just saying that to save your ego."

"And you're just saying that to boost yours!" I honed a punch into his shoulder, but she was ready, redirecting the blow off to the side and smashing my face in. "Ow."

"Wait… Are you sparring with this thing?"

"Yes?" Was it not obvious?

"Disgusting," he spat, turning around and walking away. What a dick! And here I thought he was cool.

So, we went back to me getting destroyed in melee combat.

* * *

Thankfully, we got bored of that, or at least I did, and I went to go relax in the room. It takes a lot out of you, you know. I practically collapsed onto the bed, ready to fall asleep. Then I forgot the whole armor thing I had going on. I usually wore it while around the ship. Never know when a daemon could appear and ruin your day.

I felt hands around my helmet, and I really wanted to turn around. It was then lifted off my head. I looked back, seeing May. "I don't need help."

"I want to help."

"Okay," I conceded.

"I expected a little bit more from you."

"I can't always be amazing." She giggled in response.

So she helped me out of my armor. Then it got a little too far when she tried to grab my coat off.

"Woah, hey, I sleep in that."

"You don't have to," her coyness evident.

"Right, that's exactly why I sleep with it." My coat from the Armageddon Guard, I think they were called the Steel Legion, is a prized relic. I've kept it with me for a long while, and it's worn well.

So I rested on the bed. I peered up at some noise shortly after I leapt onto the bed, and saw the eldar exiting its armor. She found some clothes from my cabinet, throwing them on herself. She then placed herself on the bed.

"Uh…"

"Look, I don't like them either. They just don't fit right," she sighed.

"No, that's not… I mean, it's- you're in my bed."

"We share the room," she fell back, "My bed, too."

"Why, are you, sleeping, in it, right now?" I spaced out, pausing between everything. I'd usually be completely fine with some chick sleeping with me, but an alien? I just… can't believe it, to be honest. I never thought my life in 40k would lead up to this.

"Because," she answered. I felt her hand on my coat. "I can do what I want. I can beat you any which way, so I'm free of any real consequence."

That so, huh? I'd show her something. I grabbed her hand, causing her to gasp. I then threw myself on top of her, holding her hands down. "What was that about any which way?"

She struggled for a few moments. "You're cheating. You have heavier apparel on."

"It's just a coat."

"Take it off!" she shouted.

"Fine!" I threw it off. I held her down once again, this time she seemed content to do nothing. "Uh… You gonna do anything?"

"Sorry, I'm preoccupied," she smirked.

"Doing what?"

"Staring."

"Fuck off!" She giggled in response. "There's not much to even look at."

"Besides the numerous nicks and obvious toned body?" She said, "Just how I like them. Shame my kind never really has that look."

Oh my god. She was checking me out. I immediately went for my coat. I ain't letting this shit happen.

"I'm just saying, Joker."

"What kind of 'partner' starts checking out the other?"

"Well, I just thought that's how you humans do it. Partners do that kind of thing, right?"

"Partners don-" Oh. OH. She meant… I'm an actual tool. I'm such a big tool I belong in a shed. "Did- did you mean romantic partners?"

"Isn't that what partners are?"

Red alert. Red alert. Brain shutting down. Alert legs to begin evacuating the premises. Legs accelerating backwards, backpedal in progress.

"Joker?"

Registering response. None found. Continuing backpedal.

"Joker, what are you doing?"

"I can't date an eldar, dude. This shit is just too unreal."

"It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you! I haven't had a partner either, so this is new to me-"

"Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, no." I backpedaled on out of the room.

Wait, my things are in there. Shit. I wandered back in after realizing this to find May laying by herself in the bed. She wasn't making any noise, but she looked scrunched up on the bed. I looked closer and saw little drops of water falling down her face.

I feel like a dick. I actually feel awful for something in a fictional universe. I made my decision right here and now. I grabbed the holster for the pistol, and put it aside somewhere. I wouldn't need it for what I was about to do. I put up the coat, too.

I slid into bed, and threw my arm around the alien, who felt surprisingly human. "I'm sorry," was all I could muster.

She chuckled. "I'm going to kick you."


	44. Chapter 44

Author's Note:

Hello everyone,

If you've read up to now, thank you. You know I don't do this often. I wanted to apologize for the short hiatus' that plagued this story for the past months, and for this short chapter. Life has not been kind. Despite this, regular updates should continue soon. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to review and criticize this story, and I read every one. I also appreciate the small amount of you who tried contacting me about this story. Again, sorry about the lack of updates. Hopefully I have not broken your flow!

Sincerely yours,

Arrek

* * *

I woke up in a haze, looking at the back of some chick. God, I hope this isn't a dream. Too many times have I been fooled by this dream, thinking I was back where I belonged. Though, with what I had seen, would I truly belong anymore?

Whatever. Chick next to me. If I move, she'll probably wake up. Eh. I risked it, moving my arm away. Surprisingly, it had no effect. Ah, so this was a dream. Awesome. Knowing it to be a dream, I decided to move my hand back, instead opting to have a little fun. I mean, this dream doesn't come around every night, and it's the closest I'm getting, right?

So I maneuvered my hand down to the stomach of the chick. Hourglass figure, I think. Nice. Tzeentch has really done me a solid with this one. Usually they turn out to be really ugly or grotesque.

Suddenly I felt something on top of my hand. Damnit, it's a daemon, isn't it. "I see you're awake," I heard her say.

"Yep. Just making sure of a few things," I whispered. Please don't be a daemon. Then the chick turned around, letting me see her face.

Oh. Oh no. It was May. "Like what?"

I looked around, seeing the familiar room. This is the cruelest joke yet. "Noooothing…"

Please, please, please be a daemon. "I don't know why you'd need to check a few things with your hands. You've already done so with your eyes."

SHE KNEW. ABORT MISSION.

I jumped right out of bed, grabbing my coat on the way out. I opened the door and there was no sign of this being a dream anymore.

I Usain Bolted my way right out of dodge. There was no way I'd recover from this one.

* * *

So following the next few hours was the greatest game of hide and seek. I had the entire ship to hide in, and she only had a few places to seek.

So naturally, I hid in plain sight. I grabbed a suit of guard armor for the ship crew, looking like any other guy, except there was no helmet available. You wanna know probably why?

Those fucking thieves.

My plan was to hide in the lunchroom, sitting among groups of guardsmen like a champ of this hide and seek game. Whatcha even playin' fo', I own this game!

Unfortunately, I saw the blue armored, white headed villain enter the room. She walked my direction, looking away. Too easy.

I played it cool, letting the guardsmen talk about that one time they saw the captain. Everything was going as planned.

I heard a voice behind me. "Oh, Joker. I must ask, why did-"

And I was gone. "Joker!" I heard her scream behind me. How did she know it was me from the back? I kept my pace, trying my hardest to outrun her. I juked around people and tables, becoming quite the spectacle. I looked back.

I paled when I saw she was gaining rapidly. I jumped out of the room barrelling around the corner. I was gonna lose her in the halls. I then remembered this was a really long hallway. Long and empty.

I heard her close behind me. I'd trick her out if I turned around. So, I stopped as suddenly as I could and turned my body,ready to go in the opposite direction.

Only to catch a faceful of flying, angry, armored eldar foot. I fell like a rock. I didn't deserve that one at all.

"You deserved that one, and I told you I would." Can she read my thoughts now?!

"Why?" I cried out. Wait, no, not cried. Called out. Yep, I don't cry. Ever.

She gasped, "That's just what I was going to ask you!" Did she just use sarcasm on me? "So why did you run away like that?"

"It's family tradition," I lied.

"Right. Real reason."

"I don't want you to kill me."

"Real reason," she repeated.

"That is!" I whined. I mean, I confirmed. Yes. Confirmed.

"Joker, if that really is the reason, I am honestly surprised you could be that stupid." Ouch. "Even for a human." Double ouch. "And I've been to your 'feral worlds', as they're called." Triple ouch. C-c-c-combo breaker.

"Ouch."

"I'm just telling you the truth."

"The truth hurts."

"That is the big point a lot of people will try to make, yes," she sassed. "Look, Joker, I would not kill you simply because you touched my midsection." I'm safe from- "But I will be hurting you later." Nevermind.

Later being when we got to the room, where she found it funny to punch me randomly and then act like nothing happened. Sadistic eldar, finding it fun to abuse us. I can see why people don't like them.

I got punched in the arm in the middle of stretching, and I fumed at her, "Why do you keep doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"I only did it because I thought it was a dream!" Her signature smile let me know that I dun goofed.

"Oh? So I'm in your dreams? And you try that kind of-"

"No! Lord no, no, no!" I pointed at her face, like she were a dog. Act like a bitch, get treated like one, right? "No."

My resistance only made her stronger, though. "I'll remember that."

What are you, The Walking Dead game? That stuff is like two years old, May, get a better game.

"Don't do that."

"I do as I desire."

"I have a gun."

"You wouldn't kill your partner." I got an idea.

"No, May, I would not kill you simply because you sassed my midsection," I responded snootily.

"Are… Are you holding a grudge?"

"But I will be hurting you later."

"You are actually holding a grudge." That I am.

* * *

We stopped at a large dustball of a planet. We were supposedly going to stay there for a month, though Korak let me know it will most likely be more than two months since we had to repair our damaged ship.

May and I went down to the surface. She thought it'd be fun to mess around with the sand because she's rarely even seen sand. How can you not have seen sand in your life? What, did you live on a space ship or-

With my question answered, I continued through the streets of the city with May, getting a ton of distasteful looks. She was given a seal that apparently signified that she was a sanctioned xeno. Didn't stop people from spitting at her. I personally understood and did nothing to stop it.

"Could you try to talk some sense into these mon'keigh?" she irritably asked me.

"Remember when I said later?"

"You are insufferable. Should the chance to grab revenge come my way, I will make it cold and fast." Now she's back to this way of talking.

"Yeah, yeah, higher than thou speak. I get it, you're an eldar."

Her head turned towards me, then she barked a laugh. "Fuck you."

"You wish," is what I said. I didn't get a response. It was an uneventful walk after that.

That is until we got out into the desert. You see, we had a fortunate run in with a dude who was selling camel… Things. It was like a horse thing, but also like a camel. I just don't know, it functioned like a camel. I bought it because I thought it looked cool, and I had cash in my account. Oh, did I mention I had an account? It was directly linked to Korak's, which is HUGE. Regardless, I have a camel horse now.

So we was rolling on that camel horse. Everything was going great, we could see the city and everything no matter where we went. However, there was a problem.

That problem was that May had wandered off to go look at a view of the city from the top of a sand dune. She took the horse camel, so I was stuck at the bottom. Why didn't I go with her? Didn't feel like it, and it was really uncomfortable on that camel horse.

When she was almost at the top, I heard something besides the winds behind me. I looked around, and saw some black thing coming straight for my face and OH MY GOD, IT'S A-


	45. Chapter 45

I came to in a very strange location. The first thing to come back to me was my sense of smell. With it, I smelled something highly foul: dead people. I could tell because you don't get this far in 40k without seeing someone dead.

Regardless, it was disgusting. That may or may not have jump started me as soon as I could tell it was dead people. It was overwhelmingly pungent. My eyes bolted open, and I could see just what was making all the odors. My assumptions were correct.

I then saw some weird looking dude hunched over a dude on a table. "Serum 3-4-7 is a failure. Kills patient too quickly, pain only marginal. Perhaps base new serum more on the 2 series?" he asked seemingly no one. His face turned around, and I saw a wicked scar that looked like the chaos star. One of his eyes is covered by an eyepiece.

Well I won't have any part of that nonsense. I'll just take myself and- I can't move. Damn it, god, was this for insulting America? I couldn't move because, now looking, I had two links binding my wrists to a vertical board, leaving me sort of kneeling.

"Oh hello. Are you awake?"

"No," I answered. I was too used to sassing everyone. I'd die anyway, probably in a painful way. I've come to accept this fact over time.

"Oh. I'll let you rest then." Holy shit it worked! Yes! The dude came walking over to me. "At least, when you're dead, anyways." It didn't work.

Might as well have some fun. "So who do you believe in? Slaanesh? Nurgle?"

He cackled, "The first guess was correct. But enough about me. Let's talk," he placed his hand on my bionic arm. Sometimes I forget that I have it. "About you. How'd you get this lovely thing?"

"Um… Well-"

A dude bursted into the room, the rusted door practically falling over. "Master! A lone eldar is assaulting the compound!"

"Go take care of it and bring it here. It's been a while since I've played with such a creature." Oh shit, May was being a real battle brother. Better distract this dude long enough to get her here.

I took a look at every dead dude around me. Hopefully he's the type of villain to talk about everything he does. "What did you do to them?" I faked.

"They were my patients… You see, I am making the perfect pain serum in devotion of Slaanesh. They helped me, just as you shall," he walked to my side, "Oh, how they languished, pleading for death. It came, sure enough, but I hope to stop that death," I then heard his voice directly in my ear, "And perhaps you shall be the one to share that moment with me." Bad touch, BAD TOUCH.

"But why?" I cried out, exaggerating as much as I could.

"Because I-"

Once again the door slammed open. This time, a really tall looking figure in blue armor was here to rescue me. "Die, foul Mon'keigh!"

"What is up with all these interruptions!?" I yelled out. Honestly, it felt like this was some amateur story that never ends with its 'surprises'. It gets old. Thankfully, this was a good one. May proceeded to shoot towards the dude a lot, pretty much everything missing. In fact, two shurikens freed me from my bounds on my wrists. "Watch it!" I shouted.

May zoomed on over to me, where she kept blasting away until a bang from the other side of the room caused her to fall over, dropping her weapon right next to me. I looked at her, and saw she was shot. Damn it, this was for insulting America. I actually felt a pang of sadness at the fact she wasn't moving. She wanted to save me.

"Well, thankfully, I don't think we'll be having any more… Interruptions," he walked towards me, gun in hand, "Oh? Did you perhaps have feelings for this xeno?" He laughed.

I grabbed the shuriken catapult with one hand by the grip, held it up, and pulled what I assumed was the trigger. Shurikens came out, and the dude yelped before falling over. Damn, this thing was good. I dropped the weapon, and checked by on May. I wonder if I could feel her pulse beyond her armor? I tried on her neck.

She moved slightly at my touch. Oh thank god, she's fine. She moved her hands, taking off her helmet, which was more of a mask, now thinking about it. She then held onto my hand, which I forgot to remove. I then noticed I still had all my armor on. Maybe I wasn't out long enough for the dudes to remove it?

"Please," she practically whispers, "Remove your helmet. I wish to see your face again." Oh. Oh fuck, she might be actually dying. At least she has a useful weapon to escape with, even if I'll… I won't have anybody to talk to.

I quickly remove my helmet, throwing it across the room. I forgot that this chick was the only person I really talked to. She tried to save me. "You tried to save me," I confirmed with her.

"Come closer," she breathed quietly. I maneuvered forward before she surprised me with an attack on my face. Well, I say attack, but it was just her laying two hands on my cheeks. Then she practically jumped forward, pressing her face against mine.

Shit.

Fuck.

Alien just did that to me.

What do?

I was busy being shocked, so I couldn't refute her. Before I could finally come to, her warm lips part mine, looking at me with her classic smile. "Gotcha. You thought I was actually dying, didn't you?"

"Bitch, I don't- Why'd you- In what world- What?!" was all I could muster. I couldn't decide on one thought, so I thought saying all of them would work. Fun fact: it doesn't.

"Thanks for 'saving' me. That was a mere test, and you passed, battle brother," she giggled after saying that. What is wrong with this bitch? She placed her arms around my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. Her eyes were very… Serene. She didn't look mischievous as per usual.

She looked happy.

"I see you do have feelings for her!" the guy I just shot screamed, two pistols pointed at both of us. "Move, and you die. You will back up against that wall, and you will do exactly as I say, else I will kill you where you stand. Or," he laughed, "lay."

I heard a giant metal stomp. Then another one. Then a laugh, as another one sounded out. "I told you'z, we went dis way cuz I wanted to!" I heard from the hallway, a metallic echo evident.

No.

No, that's impossible.

"Oh okay, bohss."

A huge laugh came through the doorway. I couldn't see who it was. "Now let's see da loot ova dere!"

I am completely and utterly baffled. This doesn't seem physically possible. Where did orks even come from? WHERE? And when was I known as the captain?

Then, in the doorway, I saw a meganob, with the get up and everything. He had a giant piece of metal covering the top of his head. He looked rather familiar, though most orks look the same.

"Die ork!" screamed the Slaaneshi dude. Then he received a face full of lead from the ork's shoota. It was extremely loud, and extremely shooty, not to mention 'ded killy'.

"Nah, already tried and it weren't fun," he cheekily said before laughing. His single regular eye scanned the room before it stopped at me. His mouth appeared to drop in awe.

"Bohss, you'z supposed to leave 'em alive so dey 'ear you'z say dat."

"Shuttit, ya git! Now…" he head turned towards me, and I could feel his eyes staring at me. A massive smile split his face, a vicious display. "Kaptin Jokah, have ya been considerin' ma offah?"


	46. Chapter 46

"What?" I questioned. I was staring at a hulking meganob with a head plate right where I swear he was stabbed multiple times in the brain. This doesn't make any sense. I refuse to believe this is happening. I died and now I'm in purgatory.

"Ma offah to join ma crew! It needz a ded Orky humie to represent us!" Yes, that is Swagloota. I don't have words. Actually, I do.

"How?!"

"Uh, by bein' ma vershun of dat Yarrikk fella, ya daft git! Ya even got an arm ripe fer powah klawin', thanks ta someone ya shud be thankin'."

"How are you alive!?" I clarified.

"Oh. I'z didn't feel loik dyin', so I didn't. Had to fight ya, but den a revuhlashun came ta me, an' Ah figure, why not jus' rekroot ya? I was stooped back den!" He… He just didn't wanna die. Because of me. Oh. That makes.

So.

Much.

SENSE.

"Where did you even get that revelation?!"

"A blue fing, so Ah knew I wus ded lukky." A blue thing. Tzeentch, you actual fuck, I hate you. "So, ya reddy to go or wut? Can't stay 'ere all day!"

"What?" was all I could say.

May got up and actually walked over to him. "Oooh, cone 'ead! Fergot ya were dere! You'z ded killy. Yer invited too!"

"I thank you for the compliment and offer, but I have other plans, ork," she replied with a cool head. How does she do it? How does she take this so well?!

"Dat'z alroight, Ah jus' need Jokah!" He started making his way over to me, smashing the ground beneath him.

I stood up tall, still confused to all hell, but I decided to go through with my halfway thought through idea. "Roight, Swagloota, but where's ya crew?"

"Dere'z da ork in ya! An' Ah'm 'ere wiff ma crew!" he points at the ork next to him. It was just a single ork. Quick… Plan A, go.

"Hah! You'z call dat a crew?" I laughed hysterically.

"Yeh, wot's ta laff at?!"

"It'z so tiny! Ya'd be better off a part of my crew!" Please take it. My sanity can't take much more of this.

"Oh? Wiff da eldar? They're good at foightin', ye, but dey ain't an ork."

"Pfft, you believe dat dere eldar ta be the only part of mah crew? Ah'm da kaptin of dat ship ya died on!"

He was silence for a few moments. Then he bursted out laughing, and came dangerously close to me before swooping me into his claw. He pulled me close to him, crushing me against the rough metal. "Oh, Jokah, iz you'z offerin' me a place on dat byoot?"

"A place?" I breathe out, "Yes, I am! Ya can be… First mate!" First mate is important, right?

His response was, thankfully, dropping me. It was a fairly tall fall, actually, causing me to fall down to my knees. "First mate!? Ya can't have a betta one, Jokah! But first, we'z gotta get to dat ship. Follow me!"

He whipped around, knocking me in the head with a bit of his claw. I saw heard a crack inside my body, but I didn't mind the pain that accompanied. It doesn't matter. I'm alive. I'm alive, and everyone else is. Great. Swell. I got my helmet and held it up.

Next thing I knew, May was in front of me. "Half your face is covered in blood," she noted.

"That time of the month already?" I snarked before putting on my helmet. Yeah, laughter was the best medicine, alright.

"Taking that knock rather well, are you not?" she giggled, "That's rather attractive."

"Good. If I take a blow, I better make it look sexy." I gathered the rest of my belongings before I took after Swagloota, easily hearing where he was going. It'd be impossible not to. May glided behind me.

Soon enough, I was directly behind him as he relatively swiftly makes his way down a rusty, dark, metal tunnel. He seemed to know where he was going, so I was content to let him be my bullet magnet and meat shield. It'd be convenient if he bit it again, but something tells me I've met the only truly immortal ork in all of existence.

Then again, this truly immortal ork was technically my first mate. So that's pretty good, I suppose. Honestly, I've come to grips with worse. For example, an alien likes me. Enough so to trick me into thinking it was dying to kiss me. Admittedly, an amazingly smooth move, but I was decieved handily. Eldar trickery, the finest variety.

Wait. Slaanesh is dead, right? The Eldar's main enemy is fucking dead, right? Does that mean…

I turned to May. "When we get on the ship, wanna slip into something more comfortable?"

"I am comfortable in my aspect armor. I do not understand what you think would make me feel more at ease." You're about to find out. Fuck it, I'm this deep, I might as well try. It's been way too long.

I kept going forward.

* * *

As it happened, Swagloota and his one bit of company plus May were enough to slaughter everyone, as is evidenced by the numerous corpses. They were brutalized. I swear I saw a few diced up, and a few missing entire parts of their bodies. It was not pretty, but you know what? I've seen worse, I'm sure of it.

The exit came slower than I expected, mostly just Swagloota stomping the corpses filled with chaos taint. I don't particularly believe he cared. I didn't either, at this point. I was more or less done with the whole 'horrors of war' thing. Maybe I'm broken, but it's best to be that way if this is what I have to put up with for a living.

When bright sunlight made itself visible, although heavily blocked by the giant ork next to me, I was happy. Finally, out of the death-filled hole. I just wanted back on the ship, and back in my room. This is the last time I do this whole exploration thing.

Heh. I almost tricked myself into believing that last thought.

So Swagloota guided us back to the ship, now confident in telling me his many tales, and how I was mighty compared to many orks. Kaptin Jokah Ironklaw. That was my name now. Excellent. Maybe I'll actually take it, demanding Imperials to call me that. That'd be hilarious.

To be quite honest, I didn't care for the absurd looks we got, and the guards who nearly fired on us before I said I was with a rogue trader. Swagloota looked at me oddly, before I explained I had a rogue trader aboard, and he totally understood.

We made it aboard after way too long, and the first thing I thought to do was to tell Korak of the new addition. I went to the bridge of the ship, and saw it standing alone, Astok by its side. I yelled out, "Hey, Korak, we-"

"Ah, Andre. I was expecting you," Korak turned, before its expression changed, "Though not with company."

"Not. My. Name," I grunted, "We have a new member to the crew."

"Yeah, Jokah 'ere made me 'is first mate!" the ork shouted.

"First mate, you say?" Korak inquired. Fuck, why couldn't he just shut u- he's an ork, I can't blame him.

"Yeah! Da kaptin 'ere's made a woise deshishun." He pointed at me with his gun arm.

"The captain?" Korak practically purred. I do not like this tone. "Of course, as quartermaster, I'll help you find a place on the ship, with captain's approval." I nodded, now liking that it was at least playing along. "Then it shall be so. Accompany me, mister…"

"Swagloota. An' don't mind if Ah do!" So the xenos walked up, leaving me with some xenos.

"So how long till he figures out?" May smugly asked.

"Unless Korak messes this up, never."

Astok toned in, "She has a tendency to pretend. This is most likely exactly what she was looking for."

"Whatever, I'm leaving for my room, don't tell your mom."

"Anything for you, Joker," the kroot said. Ugh, that was disgusting to hear. I think I visibly shivered at the sound of it.

I departed for my room, and the eldar decided to chime in, interrupting my thoughts. "So why were so put off by it saying that?"

"It saying what?" I asked. Truth be told, my mind was other places.

She naturally got closer to me, and then said slowly, "Anything for you, Joker."

I nearly threw her off, but then I stopped myself. Boutta get laid, can't ruin my chances at the finishing line. "Oh, just sounded wrong coming from Astok."

"Does it sound wrong coming from me?" she said, going back to her original position.

"Depends on which way you look at it," I replied, "See, I could be an imperial and see that as disgusting in every way, but unfortunately, I'm used to eldar. Perhaps too used."

"No, I don't believe you are familiar are a great species, don't you know?" Oh there's that arrogance. There it is! Every elf is capable of it.

I smirked, hidden by my helmet. "I wouldn't say great. More or less half your race got wiped out because you were having too much fun being 'great'."

"Low blow, but that problem is gone now."

"Yeah, by someone else."

"Who we let beat our great foe for us."

"Man, for such a great race, you're pretty lazy."

"Why fight unbeatable odds and lose everything when someone else can do it for us?"

"We didn't lose."

"Did you even see the amount of casualties? Are you aware how many had to die afterwards due to their minds being shattered?" Huh. Didn't think of that. Is the warp really that bad? I've never really felt like it was THAT bad.

Well, I'm sort of a closet heretic, but that doesn't mean anything.

"Look, I'm sure it was fine. The ends justified the means. Chaos God for a crew full of dudes."

She huffed, "I thought you cared for your kind."

"They aren't exactly mine since I'm not a true Imperial, through and through. Plus, I never saw much, so I don't particularly mind." I keep forgetting things anyways. Nothing lasts long enough to be remembered.

I tried to clutch a weapon by my side, but realized I left it in the room. I remember her, at least. That's good enough, right?

May saw fit to not reply, instead leaving us in silence for a while.

"So why do you seem to always grab at your side like that?" she broke out.

"Very good question. I'm sure I'll answer it eventually."

"Don't you do that to me, I want answers now," she threatened. I imagine she was broadening her shoulders and whatnot, but whatever she tried to communicate with her body would go unseen by me.

"Your answers will flow to you, like a river," I prophesied oh so mystically, "But the river moves at its own pace."

"You sound like a farseer straight out of a cartoon." Wait, eldar have cartoons? When was this a thing? Do they have TV too? "Tell me why you do that…" she paused, "Andre."

Ooh, bitch, you don't do that. That's that shit I don't like. I stopped walking, turned my head slightly, and said, "Don't call me that."

"What's the matter, Andre? Something getting you upset?"

I turned my head around ever slightly more, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah, you. Stop saying that."

"Tell me why, then."

"Because I don't like that name, duh," I answered sarcastically.

"No, not why not to call you Andre, but why you always place your hand on your thigh like that."

Right, that's it. I whipped around, hands ready to be thrown in her direction. "First off, don't call me Andre. Second, I do that because I remember someone who saved my life multiple times. Third, that same person bit the dust because you decided to pop up and say hello."

Her head slightly dropped lower, but she was silent. I turned around and continued on my way, her following after me. Hopefully, that stops her from calling me my old name. I don't need to be reminded of the life I used to have. She looks like she felt pretty bad, but because she's an eldar, she'll never apologize.

Now, back to plan A. I know the room's getting close.

Wait…

I just ruined my chances of getting laid, haven't I?


	47. Chapter 47

"So what exactly did you mean by 'slip into something more comfortable'?" May asked randomly.

Score! Maybe.

Not really expecting this question, especially after what happened, I was taken by surprise. "Oh. Uh…"

"Don't tell me you didn't even know what you meant."

"Nah, I know what I meant. It's going to require you out of your armor, though," I pointed. I felt a smile creep on my face, and I know she took note of that.

She raised her eyebrow. "Right. I think I understand, now." She didn't move. Once again, I find myself foiled. Darn.

I turned myself around, kinda bothered by the results, but the failure was coming anyway. In the grim darkness of the 41st millennium, there is only abstinence.

"At least you're giving me some privacy," I heard her say. Then I heard the sounds of mesh armor hitting the ground.

Score! Let's go, boys!

Several moments passed, and when it seemed like she was done, I turned around. You know, I've only seen her without that armor only with my clothes on her, but this is pretty nice. Her chest isn't particularly all that great, but those hips make up for it.

"So, when you do you plan to stop basking?" she asked. I realized I had put my hand on my chin, clearing checking her out.

I moved my hand away from the bottom of my face, declaring, "When I feel like it."

"If we're going off your desire to look at me, we'll be here for eternity." Touché.

I got up from where I was relaxing and maneuvered over to the bed, removing my shirt on the way over. I won't lie, I think my bod is a little more developed than when I got here. Might be because of that whole imperial guard training thing I went through and the constant danger everywhere everyday.

She ogled me for a moment before looking away. "Oh. Now I truly understand. You do understand what you are about to do, right?"

"You?"

She smiled and looked straight at me. "You're stupid, you know that?"

"If this is what being stupid gets me, I don't want to be smart."

Ah, sweet corny romantic lines, how you get people laid is a marvel I will never understand.

* * *

When everything was said and done, we were both patrolling the halls alone, knowing most other people were probably enjoying the planet below.

I heard May sigh next to me. "I can't believe I did that."

Now I'm confused. "Why?"

"I consorted with a human. You of all of them!" she pointed her hand at me.

"Ouch?"

"None of my kin will look at me the same." There's a loophole right there.

"How will they know, exactly?"

"Did you miss the part where eldar have psychic powers or do I have to explain our race?"

"No, I just didn't think of that."

"You're not the only one who doesn't even think." She quickened her pace, and I matched it. "I must be an idiot. A deranged idiot!"

"Hey, woah, dude, it's fine."

She whipped around and jabbed a finger into me. "It is not fine! You beguiled me, and now I'll never be seen the same again! No longer may I follow the war shrine, but I'll be forced to try to redeem myself!" She is really, really mad. I may have just broke rule number one: Never stick your dick in crazy.

"I didn't 'beguile' you."

"I should have known not to indulge myself!" It's always the racist ones, huh. Oh eldar, why must you be so 'high and mighty'? "I shouldn't have let myself get seduced by your ways," she jabbed once again, "You and your talking, your accepting nature! It was all to get me in your bedroom, wasn't it?"

"I believe you were quartered there so I didn't need to try too hard, did I?"

"You know precisely what I mean!" She threw her helmeted head into her hands. "I feel so repulsive."

"I mean, you're kinda really attractive," I cut in.

She immediately threw her arms out, her eyes tearing directly into mine. I can tell she was staring into my eyes, even through the visor."Shut up, you're not helping! You do not understand! To be with such a lesser race…" She looked away once more. "I am truly no better than the damned drukhari." Dark eldar? Dark eldar.

"Is that a bad thing?"

Oh boy, that made her mad. "Of course it is! I'm not one of those depraved, racist, mon'keigh grabbing, illegitimate, sweaty, greasy, immoral, tactless fools!"

"At least half of those things describe you," I bluntly stated.

She suddenly dropped to her knees. "Oh no. It's already started. It's already started and I can't stop it. No craftworld to go to, and I'm stuck on a strange ship that resembles a drukhari vessel. I've been with a mon'keigh and now I'm going to be stuck in a crew I don't like for the rest of my life."

"Hey, it's not so bad, dude," I tried.

"So this is what the farseer meant by there will only be one failure," she laughed, "I'm the one, aren't I? Fantastic. I'd best start accepting it now, you've basically ruined everything anyways. Why stop now?"

Gee, thanks. Making me feel great. "I don't know. It could be fun, you know. I mean, if it means you get to be-"

"Now you're just trying to use this to your advantage?" she hopped up, now easily taller than me. "To strike me with your words?"

"What? No, I just-"

"I will not hear of it, human," she snapped, "Your mouth is better used when it isn't talking." She is taking in this whole dark eldar thing way too fast.

"I agree, but that doesn't mean-"

"Maybe you should put it to a different use," she stated, grabbing onto my unarmoured shoulder. Not wearing armor was a mistake I dearly wish I didn't make.

"I'm not exactly sure I want to do any of what you want me to do right now."

"Do I need your permission?" she threatened.

I grabbed her forearm. "Yes, actually. You aren't a dark eldar, you're a craftworlder. Stop taking everything so quickly, dude, you have several hundred years left of life. Remember that you're my battle brother? Yeah, that's still applying here. I like you because you aren't a sweaty grease goblin," I diplomatically stated.

She sighed, removing her arm from my shoulder. "I am… Sorry."

"Come again?" Oh ho ho, I'm milking this for the rest of my days. First time I think she's seriously apologized to me. "I'm a bit hard of hearing."

"I am sorry, Joker. I lost control of myself, and will not do so in the future," she sternly said.

"I accept your apology, as unneeded as it is." Gotta play up the 'I'm gonna be a nice guy' card. Chicks dig that shit.

"It was completely needed. I was about to force you into something that I know you wouldn't have enjoyed. No person should…" she stopped herself for a moment before saying, "No being should ever do that to one they call battle brother."

"Hey, I might've enjoyed it, you don't know."

She crossed her arms. "Stop that."

"What if you only made me more interested?"

"I'm going to kick you, and then you're going to find out if you'd enjoy it."

"Right here, in this hallway?"

"That would be disgusting and uncivilized," she said, "Just like you. Perhaps I will."

Sweet sweet corruption of eldar, where have you been all my life?

"Unfortunately, I don't feel as though the time is right." Aaaand there it is.

I knew better than to argue with a woman's judgement on these matters.

* * *

"Oi!" I heard while doing my things. May wasn't with me because she was doing eldar stuff. I turned my head and saw some bald dude with an ugly mug staring right at me. It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it?

"Hello," I replied as amicably as I could.

"You tha xenolova?" he asked, getting closer to me. Christ, I swear this is going to end in a fist fight.

"Don't love it, but I have been known to be around it, yes," I replied as snootily as I could.

"Wise guy, huh? Roight, nobady loikes ya." His accent was annoying me. A ton.

"That's perfectly fine with me."

"People wants ya ta learn a lesson." I'm thankful I actually wore my armor today. See, I can say that because there is a concept of day and night on a planet.

I readied myself for an incoming blow as he moved closer to me. He was armored everywhere but his stupid face. "What's that?"

"That xenolovin' ain't allowed!" he yelled as he slung his fist towards me. I saw it coming from a mile away at the minimum. I redirected the blow with my non robotic hand and got ready to deck this dude. I brought back my metal fist, feeling it ever so slightly, and thought of an awesome one-liner.

"Yeah? Nor is ugly!" Oooh, got him there. Self-five, me! Continuing on, I thrusted the hand forward, smashing it into the dudes face. I saw his cheek get mashed up, and I swear a saw a bit of a tooth somewhere. Either way there was blood.

The dude was out cold, falling over limply. I love bionics. "Any more complaints, today?" I asked. I was just getting started with my adrenaline.

"Yeah, actually," some chick said out of the blue, "This box is really heavy, can you help me out here?"

"Um… Sure?"

So I helped her out. Box was kinda heavy, but we moved it a ways together. Chick was strong, gotta respect that.

"Hey, thanks for the help there," she thanked.

"No problem. Any chance to put these muscles to work is good for me."

"Hah! You call those muscles. Alright, gotta get back to work, see you sometime xenolover." She waved and went off to her business. I'm not gonna argue with the name xenolover. I mean, it's pretty accurate, I do love the necrons as an idea. Spooky Egyptian death metal skeletons! Fighting against them was hell though. Fucking croissant looking ass ships…

"So who was that?" I heard someone ask sweetly behind me.

"Ah fuck, forgot to ask her name." I turned around and saw May holding her knife in a very… Unsubtly threatening manner.

"So you don't even know her name and you show her your muscles. I see." Woah, hey, she has the wrong idea.

"No, no, I had my armor on the whole time. She couldn't actually see them."

"Bullshit your armor was on the whole time! I know what you were doing with her." Woah! Hey! She has the wrong idea.

"Look, I don't just show people my body, okay? I just helped her move a box."

She got off the wall she was leaning on, and started moving towards me, knife off to the side. "Move a box? Is that what you humans call it? Because we eldar prefer the plain word called sex." She was getting dangerously close.

"Woah! Hey! You have the wrong idea!" I put my hands up defensively. "May, I'm telling you the truth, seriously!" Her knife moved up to my unprotected face, a hand on my cheek.

"You are my battle brother. Tell me, in truth, what happened."

I felt like sweat was dripping like bullets on my face. "Some dude said I was a xenolover and that's technically true and so I sorta maybe agreed a little bit but not too much because I don't want to make everyone want to kill me even though the crew is generally pretty chill but then he punched me so I decked him in the face and he was out, dude, like wasted, so then I was like 'anyone else' because I'm stupid and then the chick was like 'need help moving box' so I was like 'sure' so we moved a box and then she left, and then suddenly eldar accusing me of sleeping with someone and I'm very attached to my face, in fact I was born with it and please don't chop it off!" I blurted all at once.

May looked taken aback, he whole body posture shifting backwards. At least the knife was out of my face. "Wow, you talk a lot when a weapon is in your face."

"Yeah, that happens sometimes," I tried to recover.

"Duly noted," she whispered, putting away the knife. "You're free to continue being you." Oh thank god I still have that right.


	48. Chapter 48

Korak came to me. "We've got a problem," she began. Shit, if she's found out how much I've been 'consorting' with May, I might just-

Wait, Korak is a xeno. It wouldn't give a fuck.

"What's that, boss?" I asked. I didn't notice I said that last word until it slipped from my lips. I gotta stay away from green stuff, man.

"We're… Going to be grounded for longer than you think."

I paused. "And this is a problem… Why?"

"Because I volunteered our force to fight with the PDF against a disaster."

"You what with who?" I stumbled. I didn't volunteer for anything, thank you very much.

"The PDF has recently had a sizeable heretic force take up arms against them, and they are now laying siege to the main city. The one we're docked to."

"Okay, so we leave and-"

"I will not leave loyal servants of the Emperor to be maimed and slaughtered for the pleasure of the Chaos gods." Korak was looking at me dead in the eye. She was not messing around here.

"Ooookay, so let me get this straight, right: You want us, me specifically," I gestured towards myself, "To help out a bunch of people we don't know or care for, for… The sake of the Emperor?"

I immediately felt a tinge of pain beyond my helmet as my vision swiped to the side. "Do not joke around with matters of the Emperor. He is the one to unite humanity and to keep it free of Chaos. It is our duty now to help Him."

Christ, why do I keep getting roped into these type of things? "Right. Okay, so uh… Where do you need me?"

"To follow me into glorious battle, of course!" I then thought about Korak's fighting style. That means I'd be on the front line in a melee. Welp, had to die some time.

"Awesome, yo, hey, do you have, like, a spare melee weapon for me or…"

Korak pointed at the wall of the corridor. I don't exactly see what- where did that chainsword come fr- it's a chainsword why am I complaining? I naturally took it in my arms and wondered how it worked.

Then I saw a little trigger thing and realized I must have been very dumb not to see that. I pulled on it and saw the thing rev, a beautiful sight and sight. My eyes trailed the blades that moved up and down swiftly.

"This'll do," I commented.

"Now come with me. We're going to the battlefront to make a spearhead."

"I'm sorry, did you say right now?"

"Besides the right part, yes. Follow."

Hurray. Another. Battle.

* * *

I am getting way too use to holding a gun. This wouldn't be such an issue if people weren't trying to kill me literally everywhere. On the ship, on the streets, off the streets, off the ship. Still, feels like this damn boltgun has melted into my hands, combining with me. I laughed because I had a ton of problem painting up obliterators because I wanted to get the whole 'melting weapons into their skin' thing.

Oh shit that can actually happen. I forgot about that part. I wiggled my fingers just to make sure eeny, meeny, miney, and mo were okay. Thankfully, ten digits were there. Well, technically five, but fuck you if you think bionics don't count, this thing is amazing and I will not have you sully its name.

I was currently in a leman russ, riding in battle valiantly and safely. Korak was also in there, in addition to some badass looking mother fuckers. I didn't expect it to take the tank route, but I'm quite happy it did. Means I won't die as viciously, just like, one explosion. That's it. Pretty easy way to go.

Suddenly, one of the dudes hands me a helmet. "Hey, you left this on the tank when it was being transferred over here. Joker, right?" I dropped my gun to hold the helmet with both hands.

Steel Legion. It even had the gas mask thing.

"Yeah, that's me." I looked up at the dude.

"Didn't want you to think any of us were thieves, but then again, we didn't know where you were."

Those fucking great guys.

"Man, I'm glad I'm in a Leman with you guys."

"Thanks, man, but we aren't exactly a Leman Russ." What.

"What."

"Yeah, we're a transport vehicle. Thought you picked up on that."

Oh no. OH NO. I'VE BEEN BAMBOOZLED!

"Korak, you jipped me!" I pointed accusatively.

"I'm your commander, and partial a chaos god. Don't even start something you aren't going to win."

"Well…" She had many points. I sat myself down.

She patted me on the shoulder. "It's okay. I let the eldar know you were being sent to the frontlines."

"Um," I said, thinking, "She cleared a cultist base all on her own just to get to me."

Korak 'smiled'. "All the better."

It was going to use May to annihilate the battlefield. It was secretly genius.

I heard a pop outside. Then another. Then a bang. Then a boom. Then all these times fifty. We were close.

"That sounds lovely," I commented out loud.

"You're right! I want a closer look," Korak replied before climbing up the ladder to the outside. Oh fuck, it is not going to-

The hatch cover flew open, and noise flooded into the tank. "It's beautiful!" it roared.

I saw multiple explosions in the air out of the cover. This wasn't a battlefield, this was a war zone. Goodbye, me, it was nice knowing you.

"Could we not go out there?" I tried to reason.

"We're almost there!"

"Or we can turn around and-"

"And there's a ton of daemons!"

Of course. Ignore me and take check of the- THERE ARE DAEMONS.

Alright, Tzeentch, you hearing me thoughts right now? Right, I'm sorry about the whole everything that went on before, I seriously need these daemons to not end my life, okay? Think you can pull a few strings or some shit?

I grabbed at my rifle, ready for combat. I know I'm going to die, but I want to take at least one out with me.

The noise was overwhelming when the tank stopped. "Alright, time to go!" the dude in front yelled. I grabbed the ladder, knowing I had to face it some time.

When I came out of the top, I saw the battlefield. There were at least twenty daemons and three chaos spawns. I can't even give an approximation on cultist amount. We had a ton more vehicles, but just as many dudes. The battle was taking place on a grey, blasted wasteland with the walls of the hive city in vision. There were several hills and pillboxes around.

I climbed out of the top, sliding off the tank. When I hit the ground, I dropped to my knees, kinda feeling the hurt already. The tank then immediately started, if on cue, and started to back the fuck up. My cover was going away.

I looked around wildly, and spotted a trench sort of thing to jump into. Salvation! I crawled towards it, not willing to stand up. If I stand up, I die. Simple as that.

I fell into it, my arms stretched outwards to stop the fall as well as I could. I picked myself up as fast as I could. I looked to my left and saw a dude running my way with an eight pointed star on his helmet.

I knew exactly what to do. "Those loyalist scumbags are putting up a feeble defense!" I screamed out.

The dude immediately grabbed my arm, helping me up. "Then we will smash it!"

I thanked him, then as he whipped around, I pulled up the boltgun and shot him, his head basically exploding. Red blood and brain matter flew in the opposite direction, and I could see his body go limp instantly, falling to the ground.

I feel kind of bad, but this guy had it coming.

Well, actually, all he did was help me up, lifting up my spirits. He was honestly a nice dude. But he sold his soul to ch- Wow, that is so rich coming from me.

I started running the trenches, boltgun in hand. As I passed by a little nook, a dude jumped me, pushing my boltgun away.

My bionic arm reached for my chainsword, knowing what I had to do. "Die, loyalist!" the dude shouted in my face, getting a little bit of spit on my visor. There would be worse than that on there when I was done with him.

I immediately revved my weapon up as it came out of its hold, slashing it up from where it was. The blades bit into the dude's coat, then into his body. The sound of revving was replaced with a fleshy, mashing sound, blood spurting out of the body directly into me, soaking me. I think my eyes went wide as his lit up, before looking upwards. His throes of pain were scorched in my mind.

He fell backwards, landing on his ass, his back held up by the wall of the trench. He slumped to the side slightly, leaving me to my deep breathing. I backed away from what I did, in some hope it'd take it back, maybe so I could just boltgun the dude.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, knowing my apology would go unheard.

Fuck dude, I can't do this! I can't melee in 40k, it's that simple!

"Joker!" I heard some guy shout around me, the battlefield's noises starting to dull out as the body fell over, "Behind you!"

I felt my midsection being crushed, and then couldn't feel the ground. My midsection burned intensely before ceasing. I was pulled, lifted up, and then turned around. I saw a pinky fleshed being with three horns that weren't placed aesthetically on its head. It had four void black eyes, and its maw had many jagged teeth. It had a gigantic, long tongue whipping around. It had at least five tentacle limbs.

"Alright," I commented. I imagined a more graceful end, a more explosive one, a more bullety one, even a death by old age. Never once had I considered a chaos spawn. Well played, Tzeentch. I smiled in my defeat, knowing I had it coming.

The beast smiled too, at least I think so. It poked me, and I fell limp voluntarily. I give up, alright? Wish I actually picked up the boltgun so I could stand a chance, but here I am with a useless chainsword.

Suddenly, it screamed out. I looked at it once more, seeing all four of its eyes being filled with shurikens. Its grip loosened, and I fell down to the ground. "He's mine!" I heard clearly above everything.

The cavalry's here.

It lifted an arm to cover its head, the arm being filled with shurikens. Blood rained out, but it didn't seem to care. The amount of ammo coming at it was too much to handle. It fell down, and that's when I saw it.

May was storming across the battlefield, and I could see that a laspistol in a holster was slung across her chest. At least four grenades were on her belt, and half her helmet was covered in blood. Plenty of bullet holes were on her armor, and an entire arm was charred, as if someone tried using a flamer on her.

Christ, this is not normal at all. I'm scared for her. She then rushes over to the fallen beast, it still struggling to get up, and jumps onto it. She then pulls out a grenade, running up the spawn. Then she fucking stuffed the grenade into its biting maw.

"Don't touch him again!" she yelled, kicking the head of it, jumping off it, looking around, presumably for me. I raised a weak hand, and she zoomed over to me, grabbing me by my undercoat neck thing. She started dragging me towards the trenches, and it was really rough. I did not enjoy it.

I then saw the spawn struggle at its mouth for a few moments before exploding in gore, a piece of meat smacking me straight in the face. My visor was officially covered in blood. Wonderful. I think I can see why people don't wear helmets in this universe.

She threw me into the trench, and was immediately on me. "Are you injured? Bleeding? Lost appendages? Shrapnel?" she asked, scanning all of my body.

"Uh, no? I don't think so?" I croaked, trying to get up. I then found I couldn't feel the ground beneath me. "Hey, uh, my legs don't feel like-" I then realized what happened. "I'm a cripple," I dreaded.

"What?" she asked.

"I lost all feeling in the lower part of my body. I'm paralyzed," I explained, though it was hard to think. There was an explosion right behind me, blowing some dirt into where I was sitting.

"You're going to be fine, Joker! I'll get you out of here!" She grabbed the front of my undercoat neck thing. She gave it a little shake, and my head shook with it willingly.

I sighed, "Cool. I'll let you get on that." I felt like this all getting to be a bit much for me.

What if this was all a dream? What if to wake up, I just had to go to sleep permanently here?

"Joker?" I heard May ask, "Joker, you still there? Andre! Come on, say something, anything!"

Andre. That's my name, huh? I can work with that. If this doesn't break this spell, I'll take that. Time to go back. I closed my eyes.


	49. Chapter 49

My eyes spread open as my vision filled with white for a couple moments. I gasped, breathing in dry air. When my vision was back, I looked forward, seeing a dire avenger helmet half covered in blood.

"Don't do this to me. This is the first time I've ever felt this way for someone and I will not let it flee like this."

Oh, okay. Won't die today, I guess. "Can I at least die tomorrow?" I asked quietly, thinking out loud.

She grabbed me by the cheeks. "No. No dying. You can't die like the other mon'keigh. You're better than that."

I couldn't speak too well, so I just opened my eyes. She let go, and I opened my mouth, "So you could say I'm… A double mon'keigh?" Hah. Good meme, right?

May stared at me for a solid few seconds as I was giggling to myself. "You've lost your mind, haven't you?"

"You love it," I claimed, and I think she might've smiled.

"I guess not. Joker, I'm getting you out of here," she promised, grabbing the side of my face, "I apologize for the bruise. It was necessary."

"Hot," I spoke, my mind rather racked with all the recent events that have happened. I didn't actually find it hot, but my legs are kind of gone.

"What, you actually like that?" she joked before realizing where she was. "Stay here, I'm getting a medic."

I looked at her as deadpan as I could. "Yeah, 'cause I was planning on sprinting back to the wall."

"You keep that up, that hit will have been just a love tap." She got up, and crawled out of the trench, every semblance of grace gone.

I immediately tried to move, resulting in me falling flat on my face. I turned myself over, gripping the ground as hard as I could. I needed my boltgun.

"Oi, get your asses movin'!" I heard someone yell. I immediately stopped moving, going as limp as I could. Easy for my legs.

"Hey, body over here." Yes, that's me, a body.

"Is it breathing?" I stopped breathing.

"Don't think so. Want me to check if he's still alive?"

"Yeah, go for it."

A guardsman with an abnormal amount of spikes came into my vision. He positioned himself for a right proper kick. He kicked my legs, but I didn't feel anything but a slight moving near my hips. Praise be. "Nah, he's dead. Hey, a boltgun!" NO.

He went away, presumably with my boltgun. Great. Alone in a trench on the front with no weapons, no legs, and no hopes. Wait, hope can't be plural in this case. Apparently no grammar either.

Being exceptionally fucked over is my thing nowadays. I used to kick ork ass, and I used to explore the galaxy, killing chaos gods. Now look at me. I'm half of what I was, literally. Just a shell of my former self at this point. Maybe I can get the thing that Albertus has. Wouldn't that be really cool? Wouldn't that be nice?  
Or maybe I'll just be turned into a servitor. That'd be just dandy, wouldn't it? A lobotomized robot meant for one purpose. Ha, funny how this all works out, huh? God, I love this situation I'm in. It truly demonstrates the grim darkness of the 41st millennium, where there is only broken fucking legs. Well, I mean, they aren't broken, but close enough.

I looked up, and saw nobody around. I smashed my fist onto the ground, and felt nothing but a shock on my shoulder. I took off the glove of my hand that I slammed, and saw it was mechanical, lifeless, metallic. Just how much have I been messed up?

I grasped again at the ground. I wanted to push myself up, but I knew it was better to lay on the ground. I pulled at the dirt beneath me, finding it to be very hard. I hardly made any marks on it. I looked towards the sky, seeing las beams and bullets whiz past. I stopped grabbing.

I give up. You won, 40k. You with all of your amazing universe and lore. I just wanted to play Chaos Daemons and cheese my opponents, and what do I get? Chaos constantly fucking over my life. Makes sense, huh? I chuckled to myself on the ground.

You know, most people's stories are of grandeur, of adventure, of fortune. Is this what it feels to be one of the 'little guys'? To be one of the guardsmen you take off as a wound because you don't want your Lord Commissar to get hit? I always hear about these great stories of people going out in a blaze of glory.

But I don't get that. I don't get the fortune of going out, killing that chaos spawn. No, May kills it and I'm just crippled. I don't get to fight Kaptin Swagloota and die, nor do I get to die fighting a chaos god, though I had a chance to.

It's fair, I suppose. I wasn't meant for real greatness. What have I done for myself, huh? I've just stayed alive doing what I was told to do. I'm a guardsman. Very privileged guardsman, but still a guardsman.

Welp, it's been fun. I closed my eyes again. I couldn't sleep, but at the very least I could rest.

At least, I was hoping to. Little known fact about war zones: IT'S REALLY LOUD. Can't a guy just accept his fate in peace instead of in pieces? Have some decency, guys.

A fiery burst of flames appeared on the trench wall next to me, dirt and fragments shooting everywhere. I think a few pieces bounced off my carapace. Should be scary, but I'm just along for the ride right now.

My ears were shot out, though, if that counts for anything. I let my head rest on the hard ground. Maybe it'd be best if I just died right here. Nobody would know, and nobody would care.

Another dude came on over, but before he could get anywhere near my, he grasped his neck, falling to the ground. I noticed a blade-like projectile sticking out between his fingers.

May vaulted into the trench, and dipped down to pick me up by the breastplate of my armor. "Come on, I'm getting you out of here."

"Did you find anyone?" I asked. I assumed she would have found a medic.

She shook her head, dragging me along. We went through some sort of entrance and she blasted some poor sap. The world eventually became dark except for a few lines of light. Everything was going too fast for me.

She set me against a wall, then laid down next to me. I felt her fingers grasp around mine. Soon enough, she was holding my hand.

There was a relative silence. I say relative because war zone. I guess we were in a bunker.

I almost spoke out, but she started to speak as well. We stared at eachother. "You first," I said.

"As expected," she weakly laughed before holding my hand tighter, "I'm worried you might fall in this battle. I'm so… Scared. This is new to me."

I smiled in my helmet. "Welcome to being human."

"I… Want to get something off my chest." Oh. It's about to get heavy. Quick, one liner!

"What, your armor? Right now?"

She seemed baffled, "What? No, it's-"

"Jesus, May, have some class."

"It's not that, it's-"

"I won't say no, though."

She paused for a moment. "Noted. Now, it's about my past."

Here we go. 'I was born on a craftworld and it was so tough being an elf, brah blah bkah, mon'keighs are hot, though.'

"I wasn't born on a craftworld." An exodite then. "I was born in the webway. I wasn't informed until several years ago by the one I believed to be my mother. I took up the path of war to distract myself from the fact."

"Webway?" I asked, assuming the worst.

"Yes. I am, as they would call, a Trueborn." She looked towards the ground.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Her head shot up. "How do you not understand?! I thought you would have known of the Drukhari!" I shrugged, causing her to groan. "I was born in a port city. I don't know what happened to my birthmother or my birthfather, but I know I was cast aside on some blasted planet when I was rescued by my false mother. She was a seer, who foretold I would be there."

I looked at May for a second time. Half of her body was heavily charred, making it look quite dark. Dark… She was actually a dark eldar, wasn't she? "What a twist," I commented out loud. I was well over the point of surprises. For all I knew, Swagloota was an eldar and I was just being stooped about it.

"So they raised me like a normal child," suddenly she rested her weight on my shoulder, "But I was anything but that. Thirty years. Thirty years and I never knew." I never asked her age, but now I know she's somewhere in her thirties. Nice! She then grabbed onto my arm with her other hand, dropping her weapon. "Then they came back to haunt me, Joker."

I wrapped an arm around her, eliciting a surprised sound. "You can call me Andre, now."

"But I thought that wasn't-"

"It is when we're alone," I replied, assuming what she was gonna say. "Continue."

She nodded. "They came back. They jeered at me, shouting I was no better than them. I didn't know what they meant, but I do now. It's been on my mind until… You came along." I raised an eyebrow. "Mind you, I've been fighting mon'keighs for a while, but none such as you. That first clash we had… You were so talkative! You didn't hate me outright, you didn't-you didn't- you…" she started to break down. The sounds of her crying made me hug tighter, wrapping my other arm around her.

The sounds of war were all around us. The booms of big guns, the pops of smaller arms, and the yells of men. Cries of pain, warcries, and metal clashing. Yet, I could hear her crying out clearly. Her pain was never physical, no, she never could get hit by a bullet or actually be affected. She still has her legs, too, so that's a plus for both of us.

No, she was dealing with a ton of problems in her head. Why does every chick I meet have these sort of issues? She was having an identity crisis and probably sought to end her life in combat. She accepted a suicide mission to assault a much larger ship.

"It's okay, I'm here for you," I whispered, our armors clattering against each other.

"You always were," she whispered back. "Their words meant nothing to me when you said 'You aren't a dark eldar, you're a craftworlder.' I stopped having flashes to them. I was… Myself."

"So that's why you apologized!" I blurted out.

"Yes," she looked away, "I know I do not do that often."

I laughed, "Yeah, ain't that the truth."

She punched me lightly. "And I'll continue not to."

"If it means you keep beating me up, I'm good with that."

"You actually like that, don't you?" she asked quietly, her voice straining.

"It's an acquired taste."

So we just sorta sat there, hugging each other in the darkness with the battle happening around us.

Well, she did awkwardly ask me, "So you said you wouldn't say no, if I recall?"

"Oh my god, May, there are literally bombs going off around us."

"And, if I recall correctly, I am a 'bombshell', you said?"

"Fair enough, but in case you haven't noticed, guys with guns could run into here at any moment!"

"I think we both like a little bit of danger." Jesus christ, she was a dark eldar to the core.

"Stop that. Also, my legs don't work."

"Not a prob-"

"I mean all of them."

"Damn it!"


	50. Chapter 50

So there we were, in a dark bunker, waiting for the fight outside to stop. I predict it'd take at least a couple days.

I looked at her, examining her armor in particular. No, not in that way. Well, mostly not in that way. Her armor with blue highlights and black for the most part actually looked pretty cool. "You know, you'd look great in dark colors."

She looked towards me, "You think so?"

"Yeah. Just rock the blue highlight and the black and you'd look pretty nice."

She was silent for a few moments. "I recall you said you prefer your women with short hair, yes?" Thanks to someone near and dear to me, yes.

I nodded, and she got up. She then popped her helmet off. The face part of it collided against the ground, wobbling a little bit. She then drew her knife and grasped a ton of her hair in her other hand. "Uh, what are you doing?" I knowingly asked.

"Showing that I'm willing it give a bit of myself away to please you, as you do for me."

"What do I give up?" I thought aloud. I need to stop doing that.

"Your domineering nature and your distrust of xenos."

"Hey, that- yeah," I conceded.

She sliced off the tuft of hair. She let go, and I swear she had an Ellen DeGeneres thing going on. It was kinda hot, not gonna lie.

I was speechless. After a few moments, she said with a blank face, "You seem surprised."

"Shhh," I said, "I'm admiring the view."

She giggled for a moment before coming back to me rather bouncily. Her smile was pretty rewarding. She embraced me as best she could. "I never once envisioned I'd fight next to you, let alone being your… battle brother." I noticed that pause.

"Please, you don't need to sugar coat it as battle brother anymore. Just say lover or boyfriend or something like that."

She gasped, "That's the word for it!" Wait, did she seriously not know the word lover? "That would have cleared your confusion!" She then paused, looking down. Her face was turned into a frown.

"What's up?"

"If I said that instead of battle brother…" She looked at me, "Would you have still said yes?"

Honest answer: no. Thankfully, I'm not an idiot, and she's already pretty vulnerable. "And miss a chance to hook up with an eldar? Of course I'd still take you up."

She smiled a bit, then looked to the side. Shit, did she know? "I just… Andre, I have been thinking of something." I gave a questioning grunt. Words are hard, sometimes. "I've been thinking about that one drukhari who said those words to me. Who's haunted me for so long…"

"What, you want to fight him or something?"

"No, I just…" she paused, dragging her eyes over to me, "I want to know why. Why would he say that?"

"Don't ask me." I then thought of something.

"Yeah, you're right," she replied, looking back towards the door, "It was foolish of me to bring that up."

"I wouldn't be so sure."

"What, are you going to go to the fallen city yourself on my behalf?"

"Maybe."

She laughed, "Not like you could get there anyway."

Don't doubt me. I think I know someone who could help me do just that.

* * *

Eventually, somebody ran into the bunker, and May was actually asleep I think because she fell into my lap unconscious. She was up for a while, I guess. I almost freaked out, but thankfully, the dude had black armor with spikes and a red undercoat, the sign of Korak's elite troopers.

More ran in, then they raised their lasguns at me. They then lowered them, saying "Oh. It's you. And it."

"Yeah. Can you help us out here? I can't move my legs."

"Just throw it off."

"See, that's not the problem. I'm kind of paralyzed from the waist down, dude."

They quickly threw May off, which woke her up, and they helped pick me up. May immediately fumbled for her mask, shoving it on as soon as she could. She then ran up to me, pushed both of them away, and grabbed me by herself.

"He's mine! Stay back, you mon'keigh!"

"We're with the crew."

"He's mine! You hear me?! Mine!" she roared out.

I was slumping over and feeling very, very manhandled, as though I were a ragdoll. The dudes around pointed their weapons at her, ready to kill.

"Guys, guys, just let her do what she wants." They didn't let up, but they moved away from the entrance.

May started dragging me out that way, and just over the trench was a Chimera vehicle. I was dragged into it, albeit with some help allowed by my 'caretaker'. Seriously, what was up with her?

So next thing I knew, we were riding back to the city, May sitting next to me. I thought of a good question for her. "Hey, where's your catapult?"

"Oh, it's just-" she paused for a moment. "Ceibah, where'd it go?!" She was rapidly searching around the area, even getting out of her seat to look.

"Uhh… It's probably taken by now."  
"Those fucking thieves!" Hey, that's my line! She punched the wall of the chimera's inside, whining in pain. "Stupid wall!"

Suddenly, the dude driving the chimera turned around and said, "Stop that." I then saw the dude had the distinctive helmet of Alexander. Yo, the dude that gave me the boltgun!

"Hey, didn't think you knew how to drive!"

"I can do a lot of things," he monotoned.

"Oh, sorry I lost your boltgun, by the way."

"It's okay. I have twenty of them." I'm sorry, what?

"Isn't that technically technoheresy?"

"No, it's hoarding. Also, here's this to make you happy." He disappeared behind his seat, then came back with a spiky weapon in hand. He then threw it at May, who recoiled away from it.

She then pointed at it accusingly, "That's Druchii equipment! Where did you get that?!"

"Same place the captain got her stuff." Oh. OH. OH MY GOD. Alexander actually went to Dark Eldar places?! "Thank goodness it and I made it out with all the loot." WAIT. ALEXANDER AND KORAK WORKED TOGETHER IN DARK ELDAR PLACES?

"Dude, why are you so cool?"

"What?" he asked, actually changing a tone.

"You never told me you looted dark eldar stuff with Korak!"

"Oh yeah," he began, turning the wheel occasionally, "Korak and I were in Commorragh because we were captured by eldar raiders. Well, I say that, but really I touched a miniature webway portal and activated it accidentally, so we were found by them and taken. That's when I found out I was half-eldar, which was cool, I guess."

"A bastard, huh?" May asked, "I've never met something like that."

"Hey, piss off. I got enough sass from them. Anyway, we were taken to the arena where we fought for our lives, then Korak got taken away by a... Haemonculus and came back how it is." He breathed in heavily, and I could feel the chimera speeding up. "I hate that haemonculus."

"Why?" I interrupted.

"He killed Lillith."

"Oh. Uh… Continue?"

"So that's when Ricard killed an archon with his autogun, and basically we went through a gigantic chase that eventually ended in Lillith's death and our escape." AND RICARD WAS THERE TOO? Jesus, why can't I go on cool adventures in Commorragh!

May was surprisingly silent. She picked up the gun and held it in her hands. Even with her helmet on, I could tell she was going through some inner turmoil. "Hey, it's just a tool. Your tools don't make you."

She looked at me, "You are right." She then sat down, her new gun resting at her side. I don't even know what it is, mainly because I never really got invested in Deldar and nobody played them. Their models are so cheap, though. It's weird. I imagine if a new edition EVER dropped, they'd be viable again. But, you know, infantry edition is best edition, and Deldar are a vehicle army from what I hear.

Suddenly, there was a large explosion and the sounds of metal tearing behind us. I looked back and saw the back door to the Chimera was torn off. I couldn't move, so instead May came to the ready. She placed herself in the open doorway and started firing. I saw one shot and its effect.

First off, it kind of burned my eyes to see the projectile. It looked black, but the outer outline was purple. It was around the size of a baseball, and it moved pretty swiftly. However, the worst part was when it hit some dude and I swear part of him stopped existing. No, I'm not joking. Just straight up gone.

It exploded on impact, causing a bubble of the material that hurt to look at, and the part of the dude that was there was there no longer. About a second later, blood started to flow out of the wound.

I don't ever want to fight Dark Eldar if this is a thing they have. I looked away, not wanting to suffer any more eye pain. I should get a more protective visor. Actually, I should just get a set of Terminator armor and be happy with that. Better yet, I think I have the Mark of Tzeentch, so I already have a 6++ save, so if I become more daemon-ish, I can bump that up and effectively negate 33% of all this shit that can kill me. Only problem: How do I become the daemons?

Fuck, logistics for living is hard, man. I should first settle in to some power armor. I can find Inquisitorial power armor, right? That's a thing, right?

My thought process was interrupted as an explosion sounded nearby and the entire vehicle seemingly jumped up. I was thrown out of my seat thanks to the advent of seat belts somehow slipping the mind of the mechanicum. It just wasn't a part of the original design, I guess.

My nose smashed up against my helmet, and I'm pretty sure the crack I heard wasn't very natural. The entire vehicle was tipped for a second then flattened out. "Shit!" I could hear my boy Alexander exclaim.

I looked at May, and she seemed completely unaffected by the rolling that just happened. How the f- Oh right, Wave Serpents are basically this but times five and the entirety of the ride. Also eldar. Stupid superior alien races thinking they're better than humans.

So there I laid, not moving much aside from occasionally sliding from the turns. May got to do all the cool stuff that I couldn't look at unless I wanted to literally kill my retinas. I… Don't think it'd do that, but it hurts, man. I still see little blots in my vision where the projectile was.

This was the life of a cripple, I guess. Making the most exciting moments into dull moments. I dared not to take my helmet off, just in case the chimera got hit again, so I'd have to live with a bloody nose. I assumed I had one, anyway. Lots of guesswork here, but maybe that's because I'm sort of in pain and staring at the floor.

The thunderous booms outside, bangs of autoguns, and cracks of lasguns were all disvalued because of this marvelous steel floor. How do all those veterans make those stories of their bodies being thrown against the floor of a vehicle in combat sound exciting?

Either way, that was my life for the next twenty or so minutes. It wasn't fun. Alexander shouted, "Alright, we're near the wall! We'll be out of here in just a few moments!"

May didn't let up on the trigger. I looked over, knowing my eyes would regret it, but she was honestly firing at nothing. I decided to knock some sense into her. "May! May! Stop killing the wind!"

She whipped around, "I don't need your sass right- oh," she stopped, staring at my limp body. "Sorry." She sat me up on a seat. "I should have taken more notice of your situation rather than letting myself get caught up in the moment," she reflected quite seriously.

"Nah, don't worry about it, bro," I replied casually.

She let up a little bit, her tone brightening up, "It's not like you to just dismiss something like this."

"I gave up awhile ago."

"Ah. That'd explain it."


	51. Chapter 51

Ah, the wonderful feeling of a metal table on my chest. Upper chest, that is. Still can't feel below the waist. It was comforting in a way. It wasn't the feel of a coat pressed onto me by carapace, so it was interesting.

"I will admit, I'm impressed by his survival," I heard somebody say behind me. It was technogarbly. Great, a techpriest.

"Yes, as am I," I heard the voice of May reply, "Though I'm happy all the same."

There was a small chuckle. "And just who are you, miss? I have not seen you amongst the ship."

"Oh, I am just a… Guardswoman. My name is Mae'l- May. That's what everybody calls me." Oh, did she steal my armor? How did she even fit in it? How is the disguise working?

"You have strange mannerisms for a fleshling," he responded, "I like that."

"So um…" Her discomfort at being hit on by a techpriest was palpable. "How long till he will be able to walk?"

"There's no guarantee of that," he replied. Oh fuck, get me out of here. I don't want this kind of medical experimentation done on me! Suddenly, I felt a little drowsy. "But when this tranquilizer ceases, he should be able to walk. Do be warned he might be a little… Strange."

And thus darkness took me away again. It needs to stop doing that.

* * *

Oh baby, I was really feeling it today. I woke up feeling absolutely fantastic, as though I were covered in some sort of syrup like I was a damn pancake. You know what? Pancakes are delicious, so I'm okay with that!

I rose as quickly as I could, and found that I was laid on my back. I wiggled my toes a little bit and moved my feet off to the side to get up off the table. Woah, did I always have steel capped boots?

"You are awake, I see," I heard a cogboy gargle, but I could care less about him. In fact, the biggest matter on my mind…

"Bro, check out my new kicks! They're pretty fly, know what I mean?"

There was a silence as I marvelled at my shoes.

"It's worse than I thought it'd be."

Oh, I'd have to show May! She'd lose her mind to see these shoes. Must have gotten them in my nap. I threw myself off the table I was on and gave a kiss to the metal floor. Now, it wasn't pleasant for my bare chest, but I imagine the floor doesn't get too much action, you know?

I picked myself up, dusted myself a little bit too. After all, didn't want to look dirty to the oh so pretty elf lady who would probably drop everything to be around me with these sweet boots.

I wandered around till I got a general idea of where I was. That's when I made my way swiftly back to the room.

Someone yelled at me on my way there, something like "Andre? Andre, are you walking? By Khaine, you're actually walking!" but I didn't have time for that crazy person, had to find May.

But then I was spun around and made to look at someone. They had pretty nice eyes and an adorable looking nose as well as very soft looking lips. "Wow, you are pretty."

"Andr- wait, that's the first thing you say?" she asked, confused for some odd reason. Oh hey, it was May! I didn't recognize her in the guard uniform. That looked… Oddly… Familiar… Was that mine? But hey, it was May!

"Oh hey, May!"

"Wait," she paused, "Would you say that to anyone?"

"No…" I said slowly.

"Uh huh. Andre," she said, grabbing me by the shoulders. I nodded, "Are you normal right now?"

"Never felt better! Why do you ask? Do I have to fight space goblins?" I lowered my voice, giving her a glare. "I hate space goblins." Don't even get me started on how… Green and small and chatty and stupid they are. Stupid stunty green space gobbos. Need to be smashed, the lot of them.

She blinked twice. "This is going to be interesting."

"Anyway, you wanted to go to Commorragh, yeah?"

"What," she stated.

"Yeah, you did. Hey, hold up for a second," I asked, turning around and yelling off in the distance, "Korak, can we go to Commorragh right now!?" It was a long shot, but I'm sure she was tailing me. Crazy space officers always stalk the interesting crew members.

"Yes! We're going right now!" I heard a familiar voice yell back.

I turned back to May to see her absolutely mortified face. It was priceless. "See, we're going there right now so you can ask that dude why he said those things to you." What a dick, that dude was. Knowing the way the universe hated him, though, it was probably that Vick dude who was in charge of all the Dark Eldar. Vick was his name, right? Maybe it was Vek. Either way, really.

"No, Joker, don't actually-"

"Too late, we're going! Get settled in because we're about to get you some pimping shoes like mine. Hey, did I ever tell you about my shoes? They're… They're…" The world was beginning to clear up. Things were starting to come together, and a slight pain in my legs made me wince.

That slight pain turned into a burning pain and I fell down. May caught me, of course, exclaiming some obscenity. My knees were far too weak, yet… I could feel them.

Through the pain I shouted, "Holy shit I can feel my legs!"

"How else were you standing?" May sassed.

Oh don't you do this right now, you bitch, I am a cripple. That's what I wanted to say, but instead opted for a pained, annoyed grunt. It worked just as well.

So I was hauled off to the room and deposited on the bed where I was accompanied by an eldar. All things considered, not the worst recovery period.

"So… You can feel your legs again?" she asked out of nowhere.

"Yes, that is something I distinctly can do."

"All of them?"

My mind wandered to an old game I used to play as a kid. "There's a time and place for everything, but not now."

She was silent for a couple seconds. "Fine, be that way, I don't care."

"Cool."

"Great."

"Fine."

"Good!"

"Awesome."

"Amazing!" she practically roared before leaving my side and wandering out into the hallway.

"Have you temper tantrum. I'll just be here in pain," I forced out.

"Pain will be good for you!" she yelled from outside the door.

Man, she was really having a bad tantrum. Whatever, she'd get over it when they were in Commorragh.

She didn't come back till he slept. All things considered, not the best recovery period.

* * *

He'd regained use of his legs after the first nap. It was great, having the ability to walk again. He didn't appreciate it until he lost it, and now he was so happy to have the ability back. He tried to talk about it at lunch with some groupies, but a chick said, "What are you, trying to tell one of those stories where people lose their legs but then can walk again and it's like super happy? You're just filling a norm."

"No? I just wanted to walk again?"

"Disgusting. You know, there are actual disabled people out there," she continued for what seemed like ages.

Yeah, that's why he preferred the eldar. At least May was happy he could walk again.

All that out of the way, the visit to Commorragh happened surprisingly quickly. Apparently, Korak just wandered her ship into the webway and parked in a port.

Let me repeat that.

Korak. Wandered her ship. Into the webway. Okay?

Then it parked the ship. In a port. Got that?

Korak was a beast and these eldar knew it. They even greeted us as the 'Korak Kabal' as we left. It was pretty dope. I didn't like how one chick was eyeing up May, but kinky lesbian stuff is something I can… Let slide, if you catch my drift. So long as I get a slice of the action, I'm chill with grills. Girls. Gotta stop thinking in internet speech.

So I saw the spires of Commorragh. They were hanging from the ceiling, the floor, the walls, and even seemed to be from out of thin air. There were little flying 'green goblin' type dudes going around like it was nothing. A few flying dudes were also here and there. I saw there were tons of buildings and lights on these spires, and I knew I was in for a wild ride.

I grinned, knowing the first thing to ask. I went up to the greeter and asked, "Excuse me, ma'am, me and the eldar want to know where the local info bar is."

"Info bar?" she asked, eyebrow raising.

"Don't play dumb with me, where do you get the latest gossip? I wanna exploit some fucker and make him a slave or worse."

The woman smiled wickedly. "I like you!" She looked at me up and down. "Spend a night, and I'll talk."

A wild May appeared! She used Cock Block! It was super effective! "He won't be doing anything with you, whore," she said defensively, gripping my shoulders from behind.

"Nevermind, I'll take you and him for a spin and I'll include any info you need for free."

I looked at May with a grin, who probably stared at me with a super serious face. She had her helmet on though. She turned her head back towards the nice greeter lady with nice hips and probably a nice ass. "No deal. We'll get what we need from the other guy."

We turned around and the dude shrugged. "Same offer, really," he said.

May made a little frustrated groan before hauling me away and into the city proper. Basically nobody but Korak, Alexander, and a few of Korak's guards left the ship with us.

When we were at the bottom of the building that lead into our ship, May read all the signs, I assume anyway, then facepalmed. "The bar was right there. We didn't even need to ask them anything, let alone humor them."

"Hey, just proves we're hot."

"Shut up, we both know we're not."

"You're right, only you are."

"Leaving now," she avoided, walking into the supposed bar. I followed her and I swear to god this was the weirdest display ever.

It was basically Mos Eisley from Star Wars, right? Except everything was purplish and dark in color and had some spikes on it for you to accidentally cut your toe if you stub it. It was pretty hardcore. May was sorta sitting at the entrance while everyone stared at her.

There were several dudes in really spiky armor just hanging out. There were even some non-eldar hanging out, though most of the non-eldar had chains and BDSM stuff on them.

She then immediately sprinted at some dude in a chair and tackled him. I ran up to see she had apprehended the dude and had his arms behind his back. "You!" she screamed.

"What wadded your panties something fierce?" the dude casually said in between struggling.

I liked him.

"Am I not better than you, now?!"

"Considering everything going on here, no! You just assaulted me randomly and without plot!"

"Who do you work for?!" I shouted, wanting to use to classic cop film line. It'd be the only time I could, honestly.

The dark eldar stared at me for a solid few moments. "Huh. A slave, huh?"

"He's mine, so don't even think about it!" she warned. Did… Did she just claim me as hers? I'm not okay with this. This is specifically in the 'not okay' part of history.

"Ugh, fine, look, I'm only working for your father. He's been worried sick about his 'daughter dearest'," he spat with venom, "And sent us to check up on you! Looks like you'll get to meet him yourself."

"M-my f-father?" May said, having an internal struggle. Her grip loosened and the dude slithered out of her clutches. I can't even make that up.

"Yes, him. Archon Mehrunes. Important guy, you know?"

"Lead us to him," I requested.

"You need to teach it some manners," the guy responded dangerously. Oh, so I'm an it now? I'm just a fucking slave and that's the end of it? Oh, motherfucker, you don't pull the slave card on me.

I pulled up my sleeves. "Gladly."


	52. Chapter 52

Not my most gracious defeat, I'll admit, but he cheated! I swear on my life, I had no idea that the dude had a type of poison that knocks you out. That is cheating and I can't believe he would do that in an honorable bar fight.

I should explain.

After I had feigned pulling up my sleeves, since that would be stupid because of spikes everywhere, I launched myself at the smirking asshole. Almost as soon as I leapt at him, he was out of the way and I was on my face.

"And you need to teach it to fight. With how terrible it is, you might just want to get rid of it altogether," he spat. I will not be reduced to an it. I have an identity, even if these dark eldar don't believe it!

I got up as quickly as I could, hands balled into fists and ready to go. "Fuck you, buddy, I just want to go to the Archon dude to sort shit out, and you had to go and pull the slave card!" I announced to the entire bar, and I spied everything out.

There was a rather large reptilian looking dude who I thought had the slyest looking smile on his face. He was sitting next to this eldar who was talking out of the side of his mouth toward the creature, probably making bets on my life. What a dickbag. Then there was these three chicks in really skimpy attire that were chuckling at this. Wyches? More like bitches, am I right or am I right? Either way, this place was relatively packed except for the immediate area, where some eldar had taken the liberty of adjusting the tables to create a round arena sort of deal.

The eldar I was facing laughed a little before he grabbed out a knife. "I'm going to enjoy this, I hope you know."

"Good to know we're on the same terms," I said, trying to brandish a weapon of my own.

Why the fuck don't I have a knife on me?

I looked around and saw the wyches playing around with an Imperial style combat knife.

Those fucking thieves. They're everywhere!

So the dude charged at me and I tried jumping to the side. His blade caught my sleeve, and I felt a prick of pain. I grasped at it, but abandoned that instinct to hold up my fists again.

However, the dude was already putting away his knife. "We're done here. I'll take you to the Archon so that he may deem your punishment for assaulting one of his soldiers."

"Wuh?" I started feeling extremely woozy, the world beginning to spin. This shit happens way too often to be healthy, and I'm pretty sure at least half of my 'cool' moments end this way. "The fuck are you on?" I lazily got out, my lips not really coming together.

The fucker chuckled. "Nothing. What are you on, slave?"

That piece of shit cheated and he knew it.

* * *

So here we are, all caught up. I personally was still processing that as I was in front of a dude with an especially grim set of armor. His face was a skull mask, two glowing eyes staring at me.

"Wakey, wakey, fool," he jeered. I was being dragged by them, and behind me was May, who was brandishing her dark eldar gun. That's cool, at least she gets to have guns. I'll be fine hopefully.

A large double door was ahead of me, and on either side of it was more dudes in the little skullface scary armor. Seriously, could you guys get any more edgy? Regardless, I was in for quite the ride, I presumed.

"You know, I usually have pretty good experiences with eldar, but this place is pretty low on my list."

"We get that often," one responded.

"Dude, you should work on that one star rating," I stated towards the one that actually responded.

"Yeah, I've been suggesting a pit full of puppies, but it's just not in our budget."

"Ah man, really?" This dude was fucking with me.

"I couldn't believe it myself, mon'keigh. I signed a petition for some strippers too, but eh, can't always get what you want, you know?" This man really spoke to me.

"Hey, maybe if you keep trying, not only will you get strippers, but maybe some 'escorts' as well?"

The man laughed. "I like you, human! It's a shame you're probably going to die."

I shook my head. "Nah, it's gonna be fine, the archon's daughter is with me, so I'll get special privileges."

"The archon's daughter? Who-" he began before the realization hit him. He looked behind him to see May. I couldn't see her face so I didn't know if she was amused too.

"This place could use some strippers," I heard her say. She's a keeper, that's for sure.

"Why can't you be the archon?!" was the first thing he shouted. "This is amazing! Surely, just walk in there and inform him, please! It is a pleasure to meet you, ma'am, by the way. I am Tah'riel, and if you ever were to be in Commorragh again, I'm sure I could-"

"She's mine, jackass," I stopped him.

"Damn it! All the good ones are taken," he lamented. "Regardless, your time is now." He pushed the doors forward.

And thus, I saw a marvelous throne room. Spiky columns lined the walls of the room, the blades hanging out dangerously. In between some columns were doorways that held a guard beside them. A chandelier made of shiny looking gems hung above us, it's presence brightening up the room in its splendor. The floor itself was a sleek dark purple, smooth yet riveted every now and again. It was like a spider web, if I'll be honest. And what laid in the middle of the web?

Why, it was a large throne, adorned with blades, spikes, and skulls. Two near naked women clung to it, though I think I spotted that they were actually chained to the throne. It's back raised up high, at least eight or nine feet tall, and it had no cushioning whatsoever. Yeesh, must be a bitch to sit on.

And sitting atop this marvelous chair was none other than an eldar whose face looked incredibly messed up. His nose was really pointy, his eyes were practically glowing, and his grin was that of a pure predator. His eyebrows were perhaps the worst part: They were on fleek. One was raised higher than the other, and he generally looked amused. Lines of scars riddled the left side of his face, causing his lip over there to be a tad bit upturned, yet it did not ruin his look of amusement.

"I've been waiting for this, hmm?" he voiced out, his voice much smoother and nicer than that of the other deldar I've encountered, "A mere slave and this high and mighty craftworlder who looks… Quite familiar."

I decided my time had come, again, and this time I was gonna take it with a smile. "Yep, this is what you've been-"

"Quiet, slave!" he spurted out, standing up from his seat. I could see his bladed gauntlet pointing at me. He moved his focus to May, who had moved to my right. "Kill him. Who are you?"

I felt myself being thrown onto the ground, and the eldar guards who had me in their clutches now held their glaive weapons. I looked on in terror before May shoved her way in front of me.

"Stop! Do not harm him!"

The guy groaned as he said something in a language I couldn't understand. He then started speaking to May, who spoke back to him extra angrily.

You know the worst part about alien speech? There is no way to know how anything is going unless they look angry. As it stands, things were looking decent besides May.

The dude then yelled at his guards, who disappeared for a moment. They reappeared after some more discussion, bringing with them a suit of armor. He then lead May over to the suit, showing her the thing. She calmed down in this time, and they both disappeared behind a doorway.

"Well shit," I toned, "I'm all alone."

"Yes, you are. A shame," the same guard from before said.

"You got any games around here?"

"I don't have anything you'd enjoy, slave. The most I have access to around here is a tabletop game, but mon'keigh are horrendously bad at those, so I assume you wouldn't like it."

Back up. "I'm sorry, a tabletop game?"

"Yes, a wargaming tabletop game. Terra 2K they call it. It's supposedly based off of Terran combat from the year 2000, though the universe itself hasn't progressed past 1999. It's a shame, really, the fluff is quite good."

Oh my god, what?! Dude, I am FROM those times! "I'm interested. What armies are there?"

"You are? That's quite strange. Well, there are… Well, beginner armies I'd recommend are the Orks, gangers, or Americans, but Pakistani are interesting too. Though, Americans are written by Mat Wa'rad, so I don't recommend reading their lore at all." Damn, that wasn't even by me. Me: 9001, Eldar: 1, America: 0.

"Are there Africans?" I ask randomly.

"Yes, actually. Have you played before?"

"No, I've never had the time, but I've read up on this game," I commented. I lived in this game. In the grim darkness of the 2nd millenium, there is only 'peacekeeping'.

"Excellent! Allow me to escort you to the game room," the dude said. He informed some guy we were on our way, and off we went. I never expected an eldar to be this chill, but I guess he was just really lonely.

* * *

So I played my first game of Terra 2000. I lost, hands down, but I killed George W. Bush with a unit of Child Soldier Veterans, so it makes up for the lost. The guy didn't understand why I was laughing my ass off at this, but he didn't have to know. Regardless, it was exactly like Warhammer 40k, so I was at home.

I also learned this guy's name was Drak. Just Drak. Apparently, he loved war in all things. War and fighting, that is. He charged into my child soldiers with a fucking tank, something that the eldar didn't apparently know was basically a war crime. I was actually impressed by the knowledge eldar had of 'ancient' humans. At least, the knowledge Dark Eldar had. May was obsessed with humans and didn't know about our history, so that's pretty weird.

Either way, I'm glad I had that moment with the dude. Found out he was really jovial and was something called an 'incubus', but I didn't judge him for that. He's chill.

You know who isn't chill? The chick who walked into the room with the dude from before. She had a spikey bladey suit of armor on and was looking at me with a smile on her face. Half of her head was shaved, and the other half was dyed pure black. "You seem to have had a fun time," she said, recognizing the voice of May.

"What happened to you?" I asked, looking her up and down, "You look good."

"As if I didn't before?" she quipped. She moved forward towards our little table. "I see you've made a friend here."

The archon dude moved on over to me and placed a hand on my back. "My apologies for before. I had no idea you were the consort of my daughter. If you can befriend this nerd of a guard here, I wholeheartedly approve. Well, unless you plan to usurp me, then I'd have to throw you in a pit of vipers and watch you writhe in unending agony."

"Ah, so dads making threats is universal," I commented.

"Oh no, I say this not as a father, I say it as an archon. Be thankful your bones were ripped out for my entertainment before." This guy had every other dad beat. Gotta say, it's a lot more terrifying when you're in the middle of the warp surrounded by guards. "But, since you like him so much and I must keep my daughter dearest safe, you may take Drak. I'll provide you with whatever you need for your next visit here, Drak, as payment."

Drak nodded, and he faced towards May. May looked him over and said, "I'm unsure if he's capable."

"Bitch, he just rammed a tank into a bunch of child soldiers that killed the dude who did 9/11! He's the real deal!"

Everybody in the room was silent at my outburst.

"You and Drak will get along just fine," the archon groaned, "Just go before I have to deal with you and assassins."

We were almost on our way out, escorted by our newest companion, before the archon appeared again. He said some words to May, kissed her hand, and fucked off.

After we were out in Commorragh proper again, I noticed that May had a very conflicted looking face. "Something on your mind?"

"Yes. My father is… Eccentric. Very much so. I had intended to get answers, and all I got was a makeover. He expressed his love for me, yet kept diverting my questions of mother away from what I wanted."

I shrugged. "Dude's probably just overjoyed to spend some time with his baby for the first time in, like, thirty years."

Her hand balled into a fist at her side. "It doesn't make sense."

"Nothing here makes sense! People be stabbing each other and shit and you expect your dad to say anything about your probably murderous mom?"

There was a pause there.

Drak chimed in, "Yeah, people do tend to stab each other. It's how I keep my job and change employers."

"It's understandable, I suppose," May sighed, "Still, I'd have liked to at least known her name."

Suddenly, I heard a vox go off in my helmet. It was Korak's voice that said, "We are leaving in a few hours, get back to the ship."

I looked at her, "Doesn't matter, we're leaving. Just got a notice from the captain."

"Captain?" Drak questioned.

"Yeah, we came here on a human ship."

"Human captain? This is… Most strange," he replies.

I looked around at the world around us. Blades on columns, a skyline that seemed to crackle constantly, guys with pointy sticks everywhere, and several dangerous looking aliens all around us.

"I'm finding that a lot of things are strange."

"Well, I suppose I cannot rely on familiarity as my shield anymore," he replies back sadly.

"That's a stupid way to say it. Why not just say 'Can't rely on old info' or something?" Honestly, 'familiarity as my shield'? What was he, a fucking nerd? Oh wait, he is.


End file.
